All Too Human

I have such a high degree of pride. I try to make comments like "I'm so tired of humanity" or "Wow, glad I didn't have much faith in human beings to loose" as if somehow I am separate, somehow different and not made of the same material...as if I wasn't an amphibian...partly living my life in the physical and part in the spiritual.

I think there is this sadistic streak of megalomania running through my mind so I can continue to justify so how selfish of a life I live, somehow justify the fact I waste so many resources when the majority of the world's population lives in Hell on Earth.

There is this fear of facing who I really am and as long as I do not let anyone else see him then I do not have to. I have grown so good at this job of living hypocrisy that I have myself fooled.

I mean, the world is a stage right? We don't have a say about going out on it but we do have a choice about who we play and I try so desperately to not be me. Every time I open my mouth I spew forth the sort of nauseating trash that any good that comes of me isn't me...it is the living One who has killed the finality of death.

It feels so tainting to realize that all of us have the exact same potential of good and evil. None of us are as unique as we want to think we are...because when you strip away all of these outside thoughts...we have the exact same blood, the same need, mostly the same wants...we segregate ourselves into like minded community so we do not have to face the fact we are vastly inept and codependent creatures needing to leach off of one another so survive.

And the greatest thing, to my shame, is being able to manipulate truth without even realizing it. I speak in half truths because my mind is much too hazy to even think straight and I can distract people from the full portrait of my collective failure by telling them just enough for them to see me, then everyone can stop and admire my honesty, my truth, my struggle, my agony I put on display on here as a freak show. The only difference is I don't get paid for showing off the ugliness of my soul. The wretch that I am under these clothes and this skin.

That is the problem...this isn't unique...some of us are just damn good actors able to hold things together long enough to earn a paycheck and cash it before we kill ourselves by drowning in our self loathing hypocrisy.

Despite me inability to feel genuine compassion for anyone outside of my self driven narcissism...I still feel the pain embodied in people's souls...it is a bucket of ice cold water that renews my self hate and guilt. Realizing that people are actual sentient beings...real people...full of real pain, real emotions, real disappointments, real weakness, real tears, real problems...real. Dangerously real, painfully real...and the answers feel so cheap and hollow when they are in context.

It is just...painful and real...something I do not enjoy seeing...especially when I'm put into the context of other people...it means coming clean about my ego, my self appointed god over the masses...able to call people out for their fake life...all the while I hide behind Jesus using him just as much as anyone else has. I don't want him ruling or being righteous, or loving others...because that means I am just as wrong, just as broken, just in need of His love. His correction, His grace, His touch...it means more then just confessing...but putting life into perspective after living for myself in the ways I've learned how from a life of self appointed hypocrisy.

But that is the horrific beauty of the situation...I can continue to berate myself in this public way...but no one can no what these words mean...except me and the Ineffable One, it's only between us two. This plays out in public because I'm fool enough to actually tell people what I think and feel...I can't help it...it's weird...it's the sickness of self and just how much I hate living two lives...unable to reconcile everything around me and within me with the life around me.

I'm so tired of the cold and wet making me shiver in this desolation of the soul...I'm so tired of making the same idiotic decisions for years at a time...wasting my life and Your time...it feels like the best I can do is say I'm sorry, I'm sorry and please love me, hold me close once again and pull me up from this wasteland I keep finding myself in again.

I just want to run away, to go away from everything...to just find myself in a desert where all I can do is just lay myself bare, pull off the hypocritical lies I wear as my clothes, pull myself apart, just lay here and know what sacrifice means, to know what truth is...to know that when I bleed and feel pain...it's just the same as anyone else...no one is above anyone...we are all made equal before this Throne and words fall short yet again...how wonderful, how vast, how incredibly without beginning and end is Your love...your nature.

Even in this darkness, even with the contempt I hold towards people...keeping them at arms length just so I can justify everything I do not want to be true...there is ample love...the end isn't here, just the beginning.

No matter the darkness, no matter how shockingly real this pain is...love carries, love redeems, love wins over this life, over this broken and twisted world that holds no sense. I can only cling to this in lost hope that no matter how dark the night, no matter how much I resent help, no matter how much I want to be by ,myself, no matter how much I hate you...that as I lay here dying in the addicted narcissism of my soul, of this dying body...of this broke and weeping soul...that You have carried me through this night and the sunrise is coming. That I curse and hate you doesn't matter...that I've screamed my throat raw telling You how much You are wrong...that this creation is wrong, that You have failed...you hold me in love, you made me in love and you will carry me from this world in love. Love.

Words fall short...that fall short time and time again.
I have nothing I can say to express understanding of this grace.
Just draw near again, make me clean, make me see life as it is and how it can be. Forgive my doubt and hate. Just, thank you. Thank you.