A Journey Through Your Mind and Soul

Being the king of this trash heap, I can get anything I see my eyes on.
I can win the dreams of impossibility but the one real, tangible, practical and necessarily unnecessary thing I cannot find.

I do not ask for much but much is given.
I simply speak and kings bow.
I stand and riches are handed.
But of the eternal?
Of the everlasting?
So often it is naught to be found in this.

What am I to become?
My hands are weak and my soul thirsts.
Where are you?
Where did you traverse?
On what plane must I travel to see you?

I can speak in alien tongues, sing the songs of elves and birds but still without You I lack.

Where is this fountain I seek?
Where is this intoxication of love?
Is it a myth or mere misconception of the fool?

I traverse this wasteland, I hunger and thirst while looking for You.
I have memorized thousands of lines that I recite by night as I wander by day.
The moon is my mistress, the stars my hand servants and the sun my adversary.

My body aches, not from the leagues I have traversed but from those yet to come.
Not the sacrifices I have made but that the absolute worst is yet to come.

I seek the face of one who has looked away, that no longer sees me as me but merely me as at caricature.

At some point things traversed to a point of no understanding and now we are both left with an ever increasing chasm between us.

I'm walking through this desert wasteland, not searching for water but chasing phantoms. I see the marks in the sand, the fire pits and the evidence that my quarry is in fact human or at least prefers to make me think of it as such.

Shades of the past, a spectrum of color and belittled hope.
What of this drought of hope?
Sincerity or lies to cleverly disguise what is fraught?

Oddness.

Quote of the Day:

"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more."
-Donald Miller

Had a great afternoon and evening...however I am in increasing pain so my agitation levels are skyrocketing.

Quote of the Day:

"Wretchedness. The only thing that consoles us for out miseries is distraction, yet that is the greatest of our wretchednesses. Because that is what mainly prevents us from thinking about ourselves and leads us imperceptibly to damnation. Without it we should be bored, and boredom would force us to search for a firmer way out, but distraction entertains us and leads us imperceptibly to death."
-Blase Pascal

"Touch" - Delirious?

I, I really want to get to know you
I really want to get to show you how
How I really feel
And now, another page is turning
Another day is dawning here
For everyone to see

And I'm on my knees
'Cause I love you
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again

I, I really want to get to know you
I really wish you'd show me how
The way it's meant to be
And please, deliver me from walking
Beyond the truth that called me here
I'm not ashamed today

And I'm on my knees
'Cause I love you
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again

I've been torn again,
The curtain's been torn again

Bloodstains

I'm on the verge of insanity of a breakthrough?

The cross is on my mind...I can't forget it...I feel the splinters, smell the sweet sick taste of blood and know this my treason personified.

I've been in love with You my whole love, before I could breath I was destined to be hopelessly enamored in You, every breath has been leading me to this moment of exhausted recollection...while I contemplate this impossible and unbelievable love.

In ways...I just want to cut everything and everyone else out so I can spend eternity talking to you...being lost as my this broken soul attempts to commune in love.

I want to loose my life, loose this life, these falsehoods and feel the temporal peel back to let the eternal flow. I want to go to church and love You with others...I want to talk with others about this Love...this SOLE reason I exist.

Have You still called me to act a Shepard for the wayward?
Who am I that You called me to salvation?
Give me this grace...much less have hold me and carried me.
Oh Love, Love, Love...don't let this end.
Hold me through this cancer of the soul and give me strength.

Beloved, beautiful creator, speak to me and give me the strength to say no and just move forward, as hard as it is, take this please.


"Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

To Christ, who won for sinners grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore,
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore."

"Look What You've Done" - Tree63

"Eyes on Me" - Faye Wong, Final Fantasy VIII Official Soundtrack

Hard to believe Final Fantasy VIII is already a decade old.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Final_Fantasy_VIII

Goodness it makes me feel old.
Many good memories of the amazing story...can't believe this video is still around. I downloaded it off of Kazaa back in 2002. Amazing song though.

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I want to say hello like I want to take a breath of air.
I want to say good night like it was going outta style.
And here we are,
same as before
same story
just another song
dancing along
never knowing how we got here
where we were going
or how,
just how to get off of this train.

It's on the radio
this tune I'm playing on piano
the humming noise
that every time
in every way
was the tune for everyday
we shared
we laughed
we cried to
and never could know why.

It's a story of life
of the times
of fallen pride
the things we tried
and life, dear life
the beauty we never knew
as we could hope
and dream on stars,
prayers and have faith
that the dawn
was on the way.

I'm trying to hold back the pain
I feel when I remember
how it felt
to just fall
and hear the song of love
knowing this was that
and this was never to be true
even in thoughts of You.

I'm not sure...I feel strange from eating food.
I knew that was going to be a bad idea.

I never realized having good intentions could lead to so much collateral damage.

It's always amusing to have a conversation with a good friend end with "Well I need to go because I'm home and my arms are full of-"

*Cue sound of crashing objects and shrieks*

I promise I'm not laughing at as much as laughing with.

Sleep at all is utterly bizarre.

Quote of the Day:

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."
-Anne Lamott

God...sometimes I wish I was born ten years earlier...or maybe fifty...or a thousand...or a million years.

To be torn out of this life...and be united with my Love.

For those in need of some good reading material...

As a general rule I don't like playing the role of marketing lackey but I felt the need to write about these two books:


I."Jesus Loves You...This I Know" - Craig Gross
http://www.jesuslovesyou.net/#public


Ah, xxxChurch.com, one of the few ministries I can honestly endorse by saying they are making a positive impact in the world. As one can simply tell from their name they are not shy when it comes to controversy and instead of taking the stereotypical evangelical approach of picket lines they take a more direct approach: they go to porn conventions and hand out Bibles and t-shirts that say "Jesus loves porn stars" and recently they moved their ministry headquarters to Las Vegas and do regular ministry to the brothels, strip clubs and on the Vegas strip itself.

The latest book that the leader and cofounder of the ministry is called "Jesus Loves You..." and although i have only read the first chapter of it, it is amazing. Plus they are offering a really awesome deal where you get several free books if you order the new one today:

http://xxxchurch.com/blogs/news/onedayonlyoctober13thamazonspecial.html

The book itself is an attempt to cut through the ideas of using love as a commodity and tool in the church and instead apply love to everyone and in every situation. Legalism can only get religion in a person, Christianity is more than a series of rules about how we interact with God and one another.

Jesus is the thesis of Christianity. That Love and the personal relationship is what give a contextual meaning to the Old Testament and the Law of Moses. It's that love which changes lives, including my own.


II."A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" - Donald Miller
http://www.amazon.com/Million-Miles-Thousand-Years-Learned/dp/0785213066

Mr.Donald Miller.
What can I say?
Anything this man writes is pure literary gold and he is one part of my Three Favorite Awesome Contemporary Christian Writers Who Regularly Melt My Mind (included in that list is Anne Lamott and Rob Bell). His best selling book is the well known"Blue Like Jazz" and is one of my favorite books.

His latest literary offering is about story and it's impact in how we live our lives. It sounds like a corny self help but seriously, this is one of the BEST books I have read this year and would highly recommend it to everyone else that is going through a 'What the heck do I do with my life existential like crisis'.

Holy goodness I feel like crap!

Life Laundry List

Okay.

I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. So I have devised three categories to fit everything in.

I.Danger
II.Caution
III. Yay!

I believe they are each self explanatory enough to press on listing.


I.Danger:
Job
1.Finding something that pays.
2.Redoing lost philosophy essays and resubmit them to 'Ze Muse'
3.Attempt to locate other online writing jobs.

School
1.Applying
-Narrow the list down to three schools.
-Complete FASFA
-Send in the applications post hate via carrier pigeon or whatever is the modern day equivalent.
2.Visiting
-Contact family and friends that live near the 'target' areas.
-Call the school and set up a date.
-Use the money from the 'Job' to buy a plane ticket/gas/prayer/epic level gryphon mount and proceed to the school.

Figure Out Something to Study
1.English
2.Music
3.Masters of Divinity
4.Masters of Philosophy/Humanities


II.Caution:
Moving
1.California
-Three target schools, family and friends, NANOWRIMO HQ, large ministry opportunities in nontraditional settings
2.Chicago, IL
-Friends willing to help me find a job and save up for doing school
3.Las Vegas, NV
-Headquarters of xxxchurch.com ministry and my ideal internship
4.Mobile, AL
-Home of the University of Mobile and a few friends.
5.Dallas, TX
-Has at least one target school and a few friends.
6.Portland, OR
-Has a couple of target schools and Donald Miller lives here.
7.Seattle, WA
-A target school, a few friends, Pike's Place Market, the first Starbucks and the HQ of Wizards of the Coast
8.Atlanta, GA
-Rich billionaire friend. 'Nuff said.
9.Great Britain
-Friend and possible schools, JRR Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter, T.S. Elliot and their amazing accents.
10.Canada
-Friends and possible schools.
11.New Zealand
-Hobbits, Mt.Doom, Flight of the Conchords, Brooke Fraser, Phil Joel (formerly of the Newsboys) and amazing accents.
12.Ireland
-U2, Bono, Bob Geldof, C.S. Lewis, James Joyce, amazing accents
13.Falsify papers and immigrate to Israel.
-Jews for Jesus.
14.Japan
-Anime, Hideo Kojima, Yasuhiro Nightow, Nobuo Umetsu


III.Yay!:
1.Realm Wars on Facebook
2.Shadowrun campaign in Montgomery
3.Dragonriders of Pern message board campaign
4.Refine bass guitar skills
5.Learn acoustic guitar.
6.Laugh in the face of music theory.
7.NANOWRIMO
8.WoW RP events

Bartender I'm going to need another bottle of generic Naproxen Sodium, stat!

Hooray for being a screw up!

On the plus side facebook actually proved useful in letting me know about my mom's birthday a few days ahead of time.

God, that is so sad.

I can't remember numbers and dates to save my life.

Tomorrow is in fact another day...it's a step...somewhere at least.

Shoo angst don't bother me. =/

Pain is such an odd, strange sensation.

I want to hide, I'm afraid of what I am opening now.

Just speaking seems like a sin and I see no real way out.

I keep looking, trying to breath, begging for a way out and a way to see and everything is blank.

What is this?
What is going on?

I think it's less scary to be involved with questions because the answers are so definitive and terrifying.

I want to run away but I want better grammar.

Does it matter when I hurt as well?

I don't know how to answer these problems except to say not knowing is still in fact a type of knowing, just not one people are happy with.

Should I move?
Am I just being delusional?
If I can beg, borrow or metaphorically steal the money I'm going...

...just where is up to You and...maybe...

...but if I am not careful it will be nothing more than second guesses about guesses and God the pain, the pain of change and knowing that You love me enough to never leave me here.

Bless me even if it kills me Father.

"And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment, this time will pass"

Quote of the day:

Black Mage: I have doubts about the viability of manned flight.
Red Mage: Is it the crashing? It's the crashing isn't it?
Black Mage: It features prominently.
Thief: We're not going to accomplish anything by burning to death in here. Let's move!
Black Mage: But there's no fire.

FWOOSH!

Black Mage: Oh, THAT fire.

God, why do I butcher so many things?

"And it's true we are immune
When fact is fiction and T.V. reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die

The real battle just begun
To claim the victory Jesus won
On a Sunday bloody Sunday"

A Crimson Painted Rose For You, Dear

The excruciating pain is back...spreading it feels like.

I can't talk to...no...

It is inconsequential.
I hate myself so much sometimes.
I want to be strong when I'm weak.
I hate the pain I cause more than me.
Why do I butcher relationships?
The people I hurt the most are...
Redundancy, ridiculousness, redemption...?

Baptized thoughts, moderately alright.
Jesus Christ, don't leave me here.
Teach me to love, even, even me.
I've forgotten what life is just long...enough...

I want to hurt myself again,
baptize myself in pain
to trim away
just cut away
and see the hurt
and feel it deep in my soul
so I know
that you know
what this hate
feels like
overflowing
and filling up your soul.

Everything, everyone
just hurts.
It all hurts.
Every thought, every breath
every cry, every mindless baying purchase
bringing you right back to here.
I'm sick of temporal,
the fleeting finite
and I want it to all end.

I want to sleep now,
forever and ever.
See this body die
and my soul break free
to just fly, fly to You
and never be separated again.
By this sin, this shame;
my finite eternal Hell on earth.

I am exasperation,
I am desperation,
I am desecration,
I am the desolation,
I am the decree of blaspheme
of which you all have been waiting for.
The one who would crack,
finally snap
and realize how little has meaning.
Strip me down,
rip me apart
and take away this mountain of trash.
I'm wearing my own crown of shame
and feel it being twisted in
and the thorns cutting into my scalp
as I sit here mocking You
just as I mocked myself
on that faithful Day.

I feel anger,
enough rage to explode
and destroy this unholy
and distracted place.
Enough rage to hate me
almost as much as You
and realize how this has been a waste
a grand gesture of futile reminiscence
of just how much I hate.

I can sing
but it's distorted
and dissonance
and a dichotomy of sin,
pure unadulterated
adultery of the soul.
I was never Yours,
just a goat
playing at being a sheep
and here I am.
Just send me to the slaughter as You will
and be done with it
because I can't fake it
one more minute
or hold onto something I never knew
as this falsehood.

The one who reads this line
will think it is for them
never realizing this was never
it could never be about this
or the events of that
just the juxtaposition
of a soul screaming for Home,
never knowing or wanting this life
but being damned into the flesh
and longing for release.

I'm screaming please,
no more.
God let this pain end.
I can't carry this weight,
You promised to make it light and easy
but all I feel is the weight digging
and burrowing into my soul.
The vampires of fellowship
just draining my strength
and I want this all to burn.
What little I loved I hate now
and want to see flames
and everything I loved destroyed
just so there is a monument
to my shame, my fear and weakness.
So they know I never lied
and the pain I am in
is so real
they would kill themselves
just to be free
and I'll never
never
hear someone accusing me of faking
pretending to be ill
or
say how useless I am
because of choices I never made.

I hate this weakness
that drives my soul
to pretend
and fake
loving
and
knowing
so much hatred
because I'm afraid of love
or committing to life
and
and
and
I just long to be free
from this Hell
this temporal
that feels eternal
Jesus Christ
I love you so
that it hurts to know
the Eternal
and feel so ignored.

I am ignoble
and full of sin
and not worthy
to whisper Your name
while I lay
crumpled
dying
bleeding
in this pile of ----
begging to be named
just so I can hurt more
and it's trite
and reluctant
and full of refuse
that I refuse
to name again.
Demons clinging to my soul
as I drift like a leaf
begging to be a cherry blossom
so I may be beautiful
just for once in my short life.
Temporal as a deficient
as speaking with you.
Just leaving me more empty
as I long for less empathy
just so I won't miss...as...much.

And here again,
I dance to the music slowly
wishing for You
to consume my soul
burn me alive
and replace this pain with
Love eternal
and here
here
here
here
here
here
I wait.

Again.

At night.

Hoping,
praying,
loathing,
crying,
sinning,
hating,
not knowing
and waiting.

Please be swift
be quick to save
and revive me from
my
selfishness
sin
desocration
of soul
again.

I offered no bookends,
no blank pages
just this falling apart
sensation in my soul.
Take it as You will
and know,
just know
how little remains
as I fall
but how I loved You
before I knew You
and I will die
just to Love,
just to Love again.

"Scarlet" - U2

"Blind" - Kevin Max

Blissful Interloping Pain

Jesus, why do I bother to open my mouth?

I talk about how it feels like, how much pain I am in, like razor blades mixed with liquid fire, well I deserve worse than that for complaining so much when there are those worse off then me.

I'm singing so poor
so far off the key
that I don't want this
I want to leave by the door
and leave this forevermore
and just ditch this useless day
and live at night by candlelight.

My eyes stopped seeing
around the time
my heart stopped feeling
it's almost worth the tears
to just say again
how this is criminal,
knowing I betrayed You
by this heartbeat
and every thought I had
was about me, never You.

I would ask to feel hope
but no one numb can
at all.
Redistributed
and fallin
just fallen in here
falling to You
falling for You
and praying it hurts
when I crash
and break through this ice.

Not just because I hate me
but because I love You.
Take these nerve strands,
just unwind them
let me feel again,
let me love again
just take these prayerful
foolish inkling of wanting me
instead of just You.

"If I Could Make It Work In Life" - Kevin Max

There is nothing quite like the feeling of irrelevancy to bring out my feelings of feeling completely and utterly useless.

"This Is Who We Are" - As I Lay Dying

Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete

Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why

...Why we're given grace we'll never deserve
And a second chance that we will never earn
For there is nothing I can do to save myself

Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
But You have let me start again
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong

I wish I could have driven down to Tampa to see U2 against last night...apparently it was almost the exact same set list as Tuesday...but I don't care.


"And we're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
When I got there, I go there with you
It's all I can do"

It's the small things in life...which make life worth living.

The conversations, the sunsets, the blades of grass and the sick cat sleeping on my right foot.

The darkness may seem impossible...but it never is.
We are blinded by our finite nature...and all of these things will work out, have to work out for the best.

I can't say I understand everything...all the pain...every vivid exposure of the soul...but I can say thank you for showing up. Taking the time to speak and being willing to take a second to laugh.

It's the small moments that I think we're all be thankful for when this confusing ride is over.

Readily Failed to Believe

I go there to the corner where the bridge and water is and look.

Just waiting for something to happen, a passing by of chance or maybe just a change in the weather.

Surely what I'm waiting for will come.
Even when I don't know what I am looking for.
But I know it is there.
Just outside my field of vision, just beyond imagination.
Touching hope, pictures of the past and praying things can change.

That the pain won't endure, that peace will overflow.
Maybe hope can spring eternal.
In Your Love, by it, for it and with it.
Because the pain is too much.
Let the rain fall while there is still time
before the end comes
and the pain is too vivid.
Let it wash away these stains,
the blood cleansing the scarlet
making all as pure as white snow
because only Love sprung from infinity,
forged in the eternity
can wash away the failure
of such an infinitesimal
broken machine as we.

Still doing my research...apparently this guy was the favorite to win the prize:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_Tsvangirai

I found the BBC article on the actual news bit:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8299824.stm


I'm still confuzzled...well so confused I had to dip back into the ground of nongrammer.

Maybe if I sleep again at some point I'll understand better.

I don't know.

I hate politics...the more I read the more cynical I become.
It's not like I want the guy to fail...I would love to have a politician or two I have respect for...or something.

It's nothing worth getting worked up over but it's just...odd to me.

So...maybe the human body...DOES need...sleep...

That would explain why I do not remember 95% of this week, my sudden drop in feelings betters, my agreeing to do some silly things, my sudden drop in writing (And drop in quality material mind you) and...and...I can't think.

Flubub.

Quote me on that.

So I tend to not jump the gun as much as I cause physics to work backwards and cause the gun to explode.

Yeah.

I'm sure there is application for reversible physics somewhere.

I also feel like I'm loosing something.

And there is a an unexpected windfall coming.

The very bad kind.

My research skills are a fail...google can't even save me now...

Obama + Peace Prize = Wtf?

What did he win it for?

Seriously.

I'm confused now.

Well, extra confused at least...

Quote of the day Two:

Red Mage - "Oh, we're falling out of the sky at an incredible rate!"
Black Mage - "Damn this bucket of bolts!"
Thief - There's not a single bolt in its frame. This is more one of your 'Chewing gum and prayer' flying ships.
Black Mage - I thought this thing was fixed!
Thief - We fortified it with the prayer!
Red Mage - What more do you want?!?


http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/12/04/episode-487-going-down-oh-grow-up/

Quote of the day:

"When you gotta do something wrong, you gotta do it right!"
-Fighter, "8-bit Theater"

Psalm 119:33-40

God, teach me lessons for living
so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
my whole life one long, obedient response.
Guide me down the road of your commandments;
I love traveling this freeway!
Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
and not for piling up loot.
Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
Affirm your promises to me—
promises made to all who fear you.
Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
but what you say is always so good.
See how hungry I am for your counsel;
preserve my life through your righteous ways!

Ouch.

"I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain will stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"

Being profound is so hard.

Which is why I have to quote other people so freaking much.

"I feel like a quote out of context
with holding the rest
so I can be for you what you want to see

I got the gestures and sounds
got the timing down
it's uncanny, yeah, you'd think it was me

do you think I should take a class
to lose my southern accent
did i make me up
or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself"

It may be the total lack of sleep for 52+ hours, the steady diet of caffeine, contributions from my stupid need to still bike 15 miles a day under this duress, the fact that I am mentally drained, emotionally fried, spiritually all over the place...but when I saw the guy in the mirror a minute ago I really had serious thoughts about punching him really good in the face.

By all rights I would say he has had it coming.