Of Shadows and Reality

 Even after being told I am forgiven and loved... how do I move forward?

I want to beat myself senseless, do something to cause harm, do something that would damage... but that wouldn't make her better...

 Maturity is accepting the things we can change and the things we cannot change. I cannot change the past, I can take back actions that have caused pain and destruction. What I can change is how I move forward, to show respect, to stop running from reality, and to grow up.

"Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows"

-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Moving forward means stepping into the pain of Reality. A Reality that I am still unsure of but is more real than the lies I told myself and told the world.

Each step is painful and I do deserve pain... but it's not pain of berating myself up but the pain of moving from shadow to reality.  

"This vacant emptiness
This hollow is eating
Stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
The slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
Something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
This brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by spectres of what might be
Of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
We have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"

-Roper, "Quicksilver" 

 

After nearly destroying everything I claimed to care about... 

Where does one even begin?

It's not even an issue of walking back to the start and beginning again because it's like I no longer see it...

Prayers.

Hope.

But they don't mean anything without real and substantial action.

 After either destroying or nearly destroying everything that matters, the only way is forward and the only way out is through...