Idiosyncratic Ramblings

Meh.

Eh?

Bah.

Emph.

I really cannot get my mind going to start writing something coherent...mental and emotional funk in line with my physical aching and hurting.

So much...internal conflict and convoluted thought...over thought.
And things.
And pain.

I wonder.
Yeah it makes me wonder.
All the aches, pains and mehness.

Sums...everything adding to something...unknown and confusing...

I'm not even making sense to myself.
I could use less pain, warmth, a hug, reassurance, love, a gentle breeze, seeing the stars and knowing I am loved.

Things.
Yeah things.

I wish I could be more apathetic, more calm, more cool and collected then I tend to ever be.

Too much passion, too many emotions...all of it misdirected into...this black hole of pointlessness.


Everything will be better in time.
Everything will be healed.
Everything will be restored.
Everything made new.

It's just the waiting that kills me.

"Hey you
What you running from?
All your hate
What you've become
Bet you didn't think
It would happen to you
All used up
Half way through

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you
are real
I'll give anything"

Anything.
Anything.
Any.
Thing.

Murph.

That...would be a good attempt at summarizing.

Incidental Transcendentalism

Dawn, is so peculiar.
Because of being so sick, so often I rarely take the time to enjoy anything outside of my room...much less the sun rising and setting.

The light coming to life and dying away.
Colors being painted across the sky, spreading across like the laugh of a child and then fading away like the last sparks of life.

We have these huge post marks of life and death.
Everything else in between helps some give some meaning.
It's so hard to remember how and why.

Contrary to popular belief I am not miserable all the time.
I just tend to feel things far too intensely for my own good.
Put me alongside those who are happy and I feel their joy.
Likewise for the miserable.




A pity Jesus said nothing about going to parties, concerts, playing more video games, watching more comedies and laughing more.

Then again, life is to be lived.
Who was it that said life was wasted on the living?
I've done and seen some amazing things.

Feeling the wind in my hair, the taste of salt on the air, the sounds of laughter and the mists of rain as a gentle kiss.+

So many of the small things in our lives reflect who we are, who we really are deep within us and behind all the masks we try to hide behind.


So that makes me wonder what my love of the absurd, silly and none sense says about me...if much at all.

As the day begins, much like it will end...in bed and darkness...I can't help but wonder what will or can happen today. How much pain, how tired, how life will happen and everything in and around the between.

Somethings and some people I may miss...but most I won't.
Most of the things I cannot.
Why waste my time worrying and grieving over things that were make believe in the first place?

Maybe I can have some non-cynical conversations today as well.
And maybe pigs will start flying as well.
Never know, right?

Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.

"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."




The one thing reality will not permit me is numbness.
No breaking from the pain.
Cycles...in and out, circular, moving, falling and being destroyed.

Why do I...and why should I care at all?

Moving beyond the open gate and into reality...seeing all there is to be seen and realize that none of it amounts to much...

Faith, hope and love...but where is the love?

Clever lines of jargon and disinformation...lies I fed to myself in order to invent you...make you up and become enamored with something that wasn't even real to begin with.

Curious...curious...

I wish sleep could take me and I would wake up to where everything was better...
One day...one day...one...day...

Placebo Verbiage

Words, words and more words.
Plenty of none sense.
The restless movement
being mixed
with relentless tension.

Words, words and more words.
Losing their meaning
and always redefining
just what it means
to be human.

Not sure what matters
or what the cost can cost
when everything
reaches a climax
of pointless heights.

Apathy in my cup
and wanting to find
hope and love
just waiting
and wanting to be found.

Making sense...of anything...is nowhere as easy as it used to be.

I'm getting way too old for handling any of this stuff...

Is twenty-five too young for retirement?

Isaiah 9

"The people who walk in darkness
will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness,
a light will shine."
-Isaiah 9:2

So much darkness.
So much pain.

I d not even have to think to find suffering, pain, rejection, despair and hate.

It's so murky, so confusing...it feels like every time I find something on this damn planet even remotely stable...uncertainty and pain flare up...

Is this your way of saying I should stay alone and find solace in solitude alone?
Or maybe I should just listen to Pink Floyd even louder and hope the good music at least does something encouraging?


I can't see.
I think I did.
At some point it seems there was more...

But here is blindness and I'm praying for a light.
Not just a tiny illumination...but a blinding reclaiming of every aspect...


I'm sick of my own ignorance.
Of the games played.
Of not seeing when I look.
I just need freedom.
Even if it's painful and awkward freedom.

I don't want to see by false lights.
I do not want to get my hopes set on falsehoods.
I just want to know, see and live truth.
Everything else is silly and pointless.

Please, please...illuminate my life.
Help me to find and destroy this darkness with Your Light.
Illuminate, burn and never end.

"Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when the
promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath a clear blue
sky?

Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on."

"I found a dark, infernal place I don't want to face anymore
Somehow, I won't stop feeding the pain
My heart's just the same as before

So now I'm stuck here
Between the guilty and the insincere
The words I spoke have left me here all alone
I should have known this
I never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise
I wish it all gone
I could've burned it when I had the choice
And now I'd die to kill the noise in my head"

Dreams Becoming Nightmares

The worst thing seems to be getting what we want.
Not what we need.
But what we want.

Nightmares are my reward for dreaming and dreaming too hard.

A statement that is a bit egocentric and full self-righteousness, yes but if you don't know that about me by now I don't think you ever will.

Literal nightmares.
Disturbing and upsetting enough that even seeing the painful scene last night, it because the fuel for my dreams.

Nightmares.

Whispers, voices from the other side of eternity, pressing from the aether and spinning into the chaos that runs the gauntlet of my nerve cells, neurological impulses making less sense today then they did yesterday.

Does it matter if I love you?
What if I always have loved you?
What if I had loved you since the beginning of time?

Impossibilities.
Words are meaningless.
The actions of a coward are nothing.

Negative reaction, not even two negative being able to make a positive because it is merely a wave of negative that creates, makes, breeds and...this.

This.

Do you see?

Can you see?

Does it matter?

Can it matter?

I keep wanting to withdraw.
At least that way I wouldn't have new hurts.
I could just let the current wounds fester.
I could create my own reality.
Which would be more real than this one.

Everything and nothing are playing out on the state.
Seeing, believing and failing to understand.
Why?
How?
Where?

Passing and falling, all over again.

Even the things I love I will begin to hate.
It is all just a matter of time.
Weakness.
And The Dark spreading and corrupting.

"Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
And a fucked up world it is too
Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father, he made the world in seven
He's in charge of Heaven
Will you put a word in for me"

Cave of Illusion

The crevice within is growing,
small rock chips and water droplets
all falling at their pace.

Whispered winds are moaning
dancing across the edge
making and moving as it will displace.

Certain people frustrate me to no end.
Granted, I must do the same thing to other people.
However hypocritical it is, they make me want to set them on fire all the same.

But I suppose some of the best prayers are either never answered or are simply a no.

I'm silly Lord.
Thank You for loving me.

Empty Case File

Smoke in the air,
cheap drinks across the room
and not enough change for the fare.

Looking for something,
a kind of reform
the kind of thing
is to find the truth
which is true for me
and not just
falsely printed liturgy.

Hearts on the sleeve,
and the Word
written on the heart.
Philosophy and religion,
holding hands
walking step by step,
truth in truth.

Bins with discarding notes
charting out discarded paths
and false mentalities.
Captain of my faith
and challenger of destiny
crying out for a real direction.

False direction,
fake dichotomies
and realizing this old tomes
are nothing but the chronicles
of a broken and disenfranchised soul
that has written it's way into tombs.

Murfhph.

That...is about...what sums it up.

I hate the feeling of just being on autopilot.
Nodding.
Agreeing.
Saying what's expected and needed.

I wonder, how much it matters...

Quote of the Day:

"I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started."
-Ernest Hemingway

Is there a nice way to say I hate humanity as a whole and hope you all finally create a big enough catastrophic event to wipe all of you out?

More nausea.
More chills.
I'm starting to see a reoccurring theme here...

Isaiah 8:11-13

"The Lord has given me a strong warning not to think like everyone else does. He said,

“Don’t call everything a conspiracy, like they do,
and don’t live in dread of what frightens them.
Make the Lord of Heaven’s Armies holy in your life.
He is the one you should fear.
He is the one who should make you tremble."
-Isaiah 8


So big I do not understand.
I am so finite I cannot grasp it.
Pain is real.
Love is real.
Grace is heartrending.
I only have a few answers.
None comfort me in my pain.

I pray, I cry out and wait for an answer...
Maybe none is coming.
Maybe the destruction is close at hand.
The best I can do is try to love and allow myself to be loved.

Exhausted and pain.
So much pain, confusion and confusion.
I'm not sure what matters and what does not.

However, You are bigger than all of this.
I will hold on, I will cling because I have to.
I may die without the answers but I believe this life isn't the end.

Things are so vapid and shallow...
I'm not meant for being here much longer.
Soon things will be better.
Less pain and grace to carry me there.

Sometimes I wonder why we converse...
Am I a blank wall?
Verses yet to be written?

Or is it closer to the fact I am just a sounding board...convenient for the brief time I am of use?

For I feel the seasons and tides change.

Meep.

Tired.
Achey.
Sleepy.

But can't sleep?

-_-

Body, you suck.
If you are going to freak out and be in pain, the least you can do is shut off for the time being and not make me have to deal with you.

The plus side is I am not longer losing my mind slowly.
You can't lose something you no longer have! ^_^

Why do I get made keeper of such horribly depressing news?

I suppose it's a blessing that people trust me enough to bring some of the horrific things in their life to me...

...but...I wish I could do more.

More than pray, more than listen...

But I'm not God.
I'm not hero.
I can't save the world.
I can just show up and do my best.
And hope, hope against hope that the right thing will happen...

Thoughts, thoughts, thought...more thoughts and a few dozen more.

Things are better.
Thankfully not worse.
So tired.
Oh so so tired.

Feeling, things and hope.
Something muttering,
voices carried on the wind
and I am waiting here.

Nausea and chills.
Woo.
@_@

I'm not sure if I'm just tacky, out of date, out of place, pathetic, sad, a reject, silly, dizzy or just falling into a spiral.

Frankly, I don't care about being rejected.

I can live with it.

I just want to protect those I love.

Bring smiles.

Maybe make life a bit bearable for everyone around and involved in everything.


God I'm so weird. >_<

Things would be so easier if I could turn my mind off and not feel the need to invite/involve myself in everything...which may be why I am so shocked when I actually am invited to things...

Live, Life, Love

So many thoughts.
Disconnected.
Disorientation.

I see but do not see.
I feel but cannot touch.

Glass boxes
and reminders
that all is not well.

Broken souls
and dejected lives,
painful breaths
and realizations of time.

Can I breath?
Dare I live?
Let go of pain
and refuse
to be defined
by illness.

To escape from pain,
flee across these plains
and traverse the deserts
with their hellish heat,
knowing full well the price.

Everything
and nothing.

You look into me
and for You my insides ache.


I want to protect
and learn to love
but so much is true
when it is false.

I hurt so much.
Do you see
and feel everything I am?
Does it matter that I am?
I can't be a hero
but I can choose to love
and let everything lose,
these prayers
and reluctance to live.

Quote of the Day:

You mean,’ said the Tragedian, ‘you mean – you did not love me truly in the old days.’

Only in a poor sort of way,’ she answered. ‘I have asked you to forgive me. There was a little real love in it. But what we called love down there was mostly the craving to be loved. In the main I loved you for my own sake: because I needed you.’

‘And now!’ said the Tragedian with a hackneyed gesture of despair. ‘Now, you need me no more?’

‘But of course not!’ said the Lady; and her smile made me wonder how [the phantom] could refrain from crying out with joy.

‘What needs could I have,’ she said, ‘now that I have all? I am full now, not empty. I am in Love Himself, not lonely. Strong, not weak. You shall be the same. Come and see. We shall have no need for one another now: we can begin to love truly.’
-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Isaiah 7

""Israel is no stronger than its capital, Samaria,
and Samaria is no stronger than its king, Pekah son of Remaliah.
Unless your faith is firm,
I cannot make you stand firm.”"
-Isaiah 7:9


It's...

It's strange.
God won't make us do anything.
It's choice.
Belief.
Choosing.

God just...does things.
It's purpose, not insanity...I suppose.

Love though... guiding and directing...

I never made this connection before but Kierkegaard is like literary punk rock.

No smashed guitars or moshing...but there is biting satire, strong conviction, self deprecating humor and a willingness to rip one's soul open and act as a display to the world...just in the hope that someone gets the point.

I would like to think that he would like The Clash.
And that in the next Age we'll be playing their music in one of the many cover bands in a tavern in the New Jerusalem.

Isaiah 6

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

He said, “Go and tell this people:"
-Isaiah 6:8-9

What more can I say that has not already been written?
To be called and be obedient...

I am not sure.
That is one of the greatest conclusions I can make.
I am not sure.

Grace is sufficient and more than I am capable of understanding...

So many thoughts, so much disorganization...

Showing up.
Being faithful.
That is the extent I can understand right now...

Isaiah 5

"What sorrow for those who say
that evil is good and good is evil,
that dark is light and light is dark,
that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter.
What sorrow for those who are wise in their own eyes
and think themselves so clever."
-Isaiah 5:20-21

I need Truth.
If I ever choose to forsake Truth for something lesser, I hope the end of my life is quick to follow...for never do I wish to teach heresy or lead people along into death for the sake of comfort.

After everything I've seen...
Everything I've experienced.
Everything I have learned from the lips of Christ, how could I ever deny You?

The only life I have is from You.
All the pain, all the agony...every shattered bone and the pain of nausea ripping through me...all of this is beyond my words, beyond my understanding...

Is it because of being born into a broken world?
Is this a chance for me to become closer to You in Your suffering and the agony You endured for my sins?

I do not want a righteousness born of my self.
I want to be free of this agony in my body and soul...

...but I am prepared to wait.
To sit here and learn...for what else can I do?
What more can I do but live and hope?
I do not want to cause pain, I do not want to destroy or hurt.
Be it possible I want to love with Your Love.
The Love that comes from Your Word, that comes from Your Spirit.
All of this is from You.
Every good thing I've done, every ounce of Love I have given is You.

Not I, no not I.
Only You my Love, my Beloved.
More than Words, more than hope...You are everything.
You are my everything.

I am an arrogant braggart, a know it all fool.
I speak without thinking and my words have done so much wrong.
Please pierce my heart like my body has been.
Let my heart, let my soul, let my being be changed by You.

If I need breaking, destroy everything I am and cling to so I might be closer to You and learn to be Yours.

I have no clue what more to do today than to try and rest, try to catch my breath from the pain...pray, listen to music, drink tea, breath, try to heal and continue writing.

I tend to stumble from place to place.
Set a vision in my soul, in my heart...
Where there is a destroyed vineyard, please replant and grow fruit.
You know the plans, You know my potential...could You please help me see that all over again?

Not the pain.
But the future.
Wherever.
However.
Please, my Love.
Don't tarry.

Outside of hope...what else do I have?

Quote of the Day:

"Nothing is yet in its true form."
-C.S. Lewis

This...this might be the greatest of hopes I have read in the longest of times.

Isaiah 4

"Then the Lord will provide shade for Mount Zion
and all who assemble there.
He will provide a canopy of cloud during the day
and smoke and flaming fire at night,
covering the glorious land.
It will be a shelter from daytime heat
and a hiding place from storms and rain."
-Isaiah 4:5-6


I can't imagine "That Day".
It seems so far away.
Like a dream.
Something passing.

My pains, my burdens, my sin, my shame...
All the pain in my life.
Just brushed away.
My tears wiped away.
The blood cleaned off.
Every sin washed clean.
My soul freed, my shame lifted away.

It's more than a dream.

Quote of the Day:

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'"
-C.S. Lewis

Isaiah 3

"On that day of judgment
the Lord will strip away everything that makes her beautiful:
ornaments, headbands, crescent necklaces,"
-Isaiah 3:18

It's a weird verse to focus on.
But, God is systematic and knowledge in what He does.
With punishment, judgement...this idea of stripping things away...these ornamental things that distract and weigh down...

Maybe by ripping away these precious trinkets it does something else?
It removes the burden?
It forcibly takes what we make into idols?
It makes us have to give up and see what we can see otherwise?

I can hope the pain won't last forever.
That the love will be quick to come and redeem me.
That the isolation and pain won't endure forever...
That this dark night will and can end...

Love, Love, Love.



"I am walking blind
So distracted that I don’t even feel when You hold me
When did I grow such thick skin
You are my sunshine and rain
My joy and sweet pain
I’m a spotless stain
That boy is gone
But nobody moves me like You do
When I remember

A cold moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my Love
I’m not forgotten
I’m in Your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain

To this day nobody moves
Nobody
Nobody moves me like You"

Isaiah 2

"People from many nations will come and say,
“Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord,
to the house of Jacob’s God.
There he will teach us his ways,
and we will walk in his paths.”
For the Lord’s teaching will go out from Zion;
his word will go out from Jerusalem.
The Lord will mediate between nations
and will settle international disputes.
They will hammer their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will no longer fight against nation,
nor train for war anymore."
-Isaiah 2:3-4

I'm too tired to think much...
I just am so tired of internal conflict.
Win wars that matter but leave me broken and unable to move.

So tired of hurting.
There is healing, hope and peace...
It's just...when?
How long is the waiting?
How long staying here and hoping?

I don't want marketing, cookie cutter religion and all the sell out deals waiting there...I just want truth, to cling to it, love and be loved...to refuse to shut down when all the pain says otherwise...

There is inevitable conflict and it all raises and will reach a climax...

Holding onto hope...what more do I have?
Faith that this isn't pointless or a needless exercise...
There is hope, faith and love.
It will endure.
You endure when I do not.
You are strong and I am not.

What point is there in me to stay, unless You are here?
I'm not sure how to pray anymore.
Just this stream of thoughts.
Hard to focus.
Refine anything.
Take what You can, refine and make me new.
You are all I have.

You know it's going to be an interesting day when after you wake up and your first thoughts are "Wow, I wonder if I would be in as much pain if I would have fallen down four flights of stairs instead of trying to have slept." #_#

"The weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than I've found to offer up as my plea,

Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

God, some help with writing would be amazing...
I feel like I'm lost in this Forest of uncertainty and doubt about who You are, who I am and what I was put here to do...

"there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me i'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, i'm not sure when (and if) they happened

i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how"

Everything is flying by at such an absurd pace...
Will I be here a year from now?
Or will I be in Your arms, never to fear again?

I want to learn to forget and push past the pain of now...so many, so many...and so maybe, just maybe I can be a little further when the time comes...

I want to make You proud.
Silly as it is.
Silly as it will always be.

I really need to get around to figuring out what this blog is about...going since 2007 with no real course and you can tell...hrmm...

Isaiah 1

"“What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats."


"Wash yourselves and be clean!
Get your sins out of my sight.
Give up your evil ways.
Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows.

“Come now, let’s settle this,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool."
-Isaiah 1:11, 16-18


So many words, so many things...how much of any of this makes any sense at all?

I am so tired.
I feel so sick.
My soul is troubled and I'm weighed down by worries, concerns and wanting to help...but I can't even help myself.

I feel so lost and misplaced.

At church today, I felt You.
I felt you in the prayers, in the music, in seeing people come to You and worship...there was an atmosphere of acceptance...even though I wandered around like a lost lamb...no, lost goat.

Point being...I don't have any sacrificial offerings I can give You.
Just my heart.
Broken, confused and battered...second hand and falling apart.

You have seen me, you see right into me...for you all my insides are displayed...all the good, bad and ugly parts...everything I hate about myself and everything I am ashamed of.

I just...need, crave and want to be loved.

The Darkness is there.
Within me.
Outside my window.
Waiting.
Thinking.
Growing.
Thriving in every recess of my heart that I won't break open.

My sins are too numerous to recount and I just...want to find peace.
If I could sleep that would be something.
Instead, I ache...I hurt.
So much pain.
So tired.

I've got nothing.
Nothing at all.

If you can make this real, make this grace alive in me...help me.
Help me to take that first step.
Help me love, help me do the right thing...I've got nothing left.
I'm just holding on and hoping.

That...is depressingly ironic.

Song of Songs 8

"Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.
If a man tried to buy love
with all his wealth,
his offer would be utterly scorned."
-Song of Songs 8:6-7


I think this might be my favorite section of the book...just the flowing poetry...

The idea of comparing love to be as strong and enduring as our own finite and inevitable morality has such...odd yet interesting...

This life is limited but...and yet...this is not the end.
As silly, impossible, sad, painful and broken as things are...
There is hope.
Wonderful, impossible, impractical and unexpected hope.

Finding reality in a tension between rigid religion and free flowing spirituality...
Finding love, purpose, grace and hope in infinite and unexpected Love.

Quote of the Day:

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time."
-T.S. Elliot

Why do I care so much about things which are not my concern?
At all?
Not my life.
Not my things to consider.
Not my things that I have control over or that I should.

Thoughts...things, so many things that do not, cannot and should never matter...

Just dancing in endless circles.
Driven by pain.
I just want to find a place to hide away for all time.

"Humankind cannot bare very much reality."
So true Mr.Elliot.
So...utterly true...

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Song of Songs 6

“Who is this, arising like the dawn,
as fair as the moon,
as bright as the sun,
as majestic as an army with billowing banners?”
-Song of Songs 6:10

Why did I start reading this book?
This is really the absolute last thing in the world I really need or want to think about, consider or worry about...

I forgot how...er to the point the language is.
Poetic but very erotic.
I like poetry but not so much the eroticism...I'm twenty-four, a virgin, a still too young for this sort of thing.

That verse, I didn't pick it because of deep meaning, but because it was one of the few poetic passages without excessive and at times over the top sexual meaning.

Sexuality isn't bad.
I just don't want to deal with it.

Hugs, hand holding, getting coffee, walks in the park...all the sort of thing is as deeply romantic as I want to get.

Everything else is just a headache induing complication that I really am not sure is possible or capable of being sustained...humans are so fickle, so prone to evil and broken...

...but God chases after us, that to me is what makes the beauty of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection so...insane.

Not only does He give blood to atone for our sin, cause the veil separating us from the Holy of Holies to be ripped down...He then proceeds to send Christians out to share love but doesn't wait for us to get it right...

He shows up in our lives, seemingly everywhere just whispering Love and Grace to our broken natures, our abilities to screw up...

Whereas we have religious leaders, parents, teachers, family and others willing to scream at us for messing up...Jesus whispers love. His Love is the unending hurricane of endless passion that refuses to let us alone.

The choice is all ours to make...but His passion and chase is unrelenting.
Something that I have trouble grasping but Love is Love.
Even in this book...

So many thoughts, incomplete hopes...wonders and wonder.

...still tired.

I sense a running theme here...

So...so....so...tired.
Yikes.
#_#

Song of Songs 3

"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love until the time is right."
-Song of Songs 3:5

Every time I think love of any type, anyway is impossible and beyond my broken and bitter soul...You surprise me.

The doorway to my soul refuses to slam shut and be locked off from the world.
I'm much too exausted to make sense of anything at this hour...

Except...Love will win.
The Darkness will not overcome.
I have Hope that is growing...prayers that nothing goes too fast...and that time falls into place as it will...

Twice?
Twice.

The same stupid paper that was lost on my laptop was just eaten by Word.

Time for a third attempt while laughing madly the entire time.