Seeing If Believing

Just why am I here?
This pain inside never ceases.
I feel cold stares of blank confusion
as I wander from room to room,
full of wonder.
Rain falls outside your windows.
But I just feel the pain as it increases,
the intensity inside sears.

I ask politely for a change
but it never happens.
I ask for a chance
and it never ceases to never be.

It is the feeling of walking in on yourself naked.
This starkness you cannot hide.
Just wipe away the tears you cried,
it's time to be a big boy now.
Time to be a man.
It doesn't matter that you are about to crack,
that you have broken you back,
what matters is you push back.

I am told I was never known by most.
There is a shame of knowing someone desperate.
Desperate for love, for change and for attention.
Those most often given to it know of what I speak,
just be looking out the window you can see.
You see the lies in the mirror and love the window,
just so you can see what you can see and hate.
It is a drunken toxin you love to embrace.

I cannot hope to separate the two,
where you end and I begin.
I look at me and hate what I see
because what I see is me within me.
Withering, cracking and unable to hold up.

I want to go home.
Where the sun never dies.
Where every tear is wiped,
no matter the eye that cried.
I want to go home,
to see the beginning I never knew
and to be held before I fully die.

The waves crash outside your window,
sending cascades across your perfect lies.
Towers of sand torn down by the times.
A look into your shallow soul
revealing just me.
Named as myself,
naked as my sin.
I am the one I always were.
I am the me you will never see.

Sleep Sleep, wonderful sleep.
Oh how I miss thee.

The Rising Sun

It is weird to not sleep at night. For reasons I am not sure of, my body just has a mind of its own...normally I can't sleep late...but this has gone to the next level to where I just can't sleep...well I mean a couple hours here and there but nothing seriously consistent...it IS slightly annoying I will admit.

But something just annoying must be to all the English majors I know, yet I still make a ridiculous amount of spelling and grammatical errors.

If it wasn't for the built in spell checker with Mozilla Firefox I think I would be eternally doomed to not being able to write anything online without seeming like an uneducated twit.

The dawn comes up, I'm not ready for it.
It is hard to be nice.
Especially when someone imposes.
It is kinda hard to be myself
when I feel the need to guard.
People can be crass
and act as if everyone has a price,
that everything is just a pose,
but thank God reality sets in.

I'm so tired of the falseness of it all.
Holden Caulfield knows of what I speak.
The fake smiles, plastic suits,
and their false sincerity in calls.
It's only the strong who rule, not the meek.
It is dog eat dog and they just say hot dog.
Ruling, lording, controlling and moving.

I loose my perception so easily and I get caught up in everything else.
Everything, everything, everything.
I so badly wish things could slow down for once, that things could be the same.
The pain could be the pain and myself can be me, can be I and most the certain of all is that it would not be you.

I want to be left alone.
I'm afraid to be touched,
to be known.
Every touch and movement makes me sick.
Grown? Never.
Child like in false sincerity and nothing more.
Nothing much except that I am me,
nothing more and nothing less.
I've wanted to be you and I have wanted more.
Silly is and silly does but you are so silly within.

Just confusion.
Rambling beats over the din of drunken noise.
I'm so tired and beg, yes beg for a change.
Not just more people causing pain,
but pain causing people.

Purpose, malignant, stagnant and utterly disgustingly pretension purpose.
Why can't I sleep?
Where are you?
I need sleep so much.
Please.

Random Thought

You know...as much as I enjoyed writing about all of those songs...I just realized posting them up here will most likely contribute to the deliquesce of the youth and the utter collapse of the economy because of the increase of file sharing.

Why must human beings so broken?

Why do we always tread the line of good and evil so closely?

Why the devil can I not go to sleep right now?!?!

Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Music Only)

01 Zak and Sara.wma

02 The Asent of Stan.wma

03 Something About Us.wma

04 Face to Face.wma


05 Disarm.wma


06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma


07 600 A.D. Theme.wma

08 To Far Away Times.wma

09 Still Fighting It.wma

10 Life is Like A Boat.wma

11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma

12 Digital Love.wma

13 Fool in the Rain.wma

14 Fools Paradise.wma

15 Roads.wma

16 Love Rescue Me.wma

17 All I Want is You.wma

Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Essay Version)

Music moves the soul.
Memories long forgotten can be stirred and brought back to the forefront after years of forgetfulness.

That being said...this collection of songs holds a special place in my heart because of so having developed many deep connections to most of these songs.

Plus I think it is a rather nice eclectic mix of songs that reflect my music collection, which in turn reflects the oddity of my self and person.

There will be a second volume coming soon at some point. Expect some Bowie, lesser known Queen, Showbread, Reese Roper, possibly a harder song or two and more video game music for sure.


01 Zak and Sara.wma
-The piano is one instrument I want to play very badly, please believe that I do just that, play very badly. However, Ben Folds is what I would consider a musical and lyrical genius. This rather upbeat song has a good bit of wordplay that I find chuckle worthy every time.

02 The Asent of Stan.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. More amazing piano (to me at least) and a lyric about a hippie who 'grows up' and becomes 'a big man'. Interesting thoughts about how in seeking to improve ourselves we can really loose who we are...regardless of cause or reason.

03 Something About Us.wma
-Mixing it up is a little Daft Punk. They are one of the few electronic based bands I am very familiar with. Being able to mix up some tight electronic beats with strong pop-centric hooks is a sure fire win in my book. The song itself is a simple love song about the need to get the feelings out in the open, the need to confess feelings even with the possibilities of rejection.

04 Face to Face.wma
-Another Daft Punk song about love. It is astounding how often in every day relationships we get so sidetracked by prideful presumptions about who people are. One of the hardest things to do is just to break down and reveal who we are and actually take the time to get to know someone on a real personal level.

05 Disarm.wma
-Regardless of whether or not Billy Corgan was the band Nazi he is reported to be (anyone who has been in a band with me knows how I can be about practice...that could explain how every time I bring up the subject of playing music with people they run like I just casually mentioned I am a carrier of the Bubonic Plague, but I digress)the Smashing Pumpkins created a WIDE range of incredibly diverse music. This particular song works so well because of the minimum amount of instrumentation on such a horrific subject.

06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
-I have no practical knowledge of Japanese but I believe this song is called Rakuen and that translates either into 'Paradise' or 'Hallelujah' (can anyone help me out?). This rather minimalistic song carries with it some rather heavy memories.

It should not come as a surprise that I am a dork/geek/whatever and this song if from the anime Trigun. It is used in the death scene of a main character that has finally reached a realization that the faith he has been living his whole life has been a mere shadow of the truth. I tend to be an overemotional wreck anyways but just seeing him bleeding badly and (paraphrasing because I don't have the dvd on me) "God, not like this! I'm not ready to die yet!"...it just really hits like you a punch in the stomach...because life is that harsh. Not realizing the truth before us and waiting will only lead to further pain and the hollowness of a life wasted on blood and gunsmoke.

07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
-This next selection is a piano arrangement of a song from what I consider to be the single most amazing video game of all time (and a massive influence on me in every possible way), Chrono Trigger. It was released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1995. It was a role playing game featuring a deep story, time travel, real character development, life, love and tragic death. Just hearing the music is enough to stir my soul and my memories. This particular track is taken from the era of 600AD which is set up as being a very medieval age with your normal fantasy elements of dark wizards and goblins.

08 To Far Away Times.wma
-This is the closing love theme from Chrono Trigger reworked with added vocals. I honestly can't help but almost shed tears every time I hear it. It very well could be just my sentimentality combined with a memories and a desire to relive that child like wonder of experiencing such an amazing story...but deep down I believe it is my soul that is speaking. It's longing, it's aching desire to be united with not just a true love in this world but to be united in eternity with my True Love in the next world, a world without end. A world where every tear will be wiped away, death will be destroyed and peace can finally be brought to humanity. A future, a desire and a beauty worth living for.

09 Still Fighting It.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. If I am correct in this information, he wrote this song to his son about the day Ben Folds told his son that him and his mother were getting divorced.

My earliest childhood memories are of my parents arguing. They got divorced when I was three. I remember him going to jail and being dropped off by the police officer at my grandmothers house next door. I remember watching the first gulf war on TV and having the child hood worry that the prisoners (my dad in particular) would be forced to fight and maybe die.

I got to see him a few times for birthday presents (That Super Nintendo I mentioned earlier) and such...and finally when I was nine and in third grade he got visitation privileges of getting to see me every other weekend. I saw him twice. The last time I saw him alive was in Calera, Alabama in the parking lot of Hardees. My mom had come to pick me up and I remember him giving me a hug and kissing me, because his beard was coarse and caused me to itch.

The following Sunday he was found dead on a couch. He had fallen asleep and he died of a heart attack at thirty-three.

I wonder who the man was. I have photographs, an annual, some back stage passes he had and a few cassette tapes he had. I know he loved music greatly, wanted to organize a benefit concert in Birmingham for the poor and homeless and that my mom had a wreck in 1984 (or so) where they were badly messed up. Apparently my dad shielded my sister and he broke his back. Eventually, because of the pain he became addicted to pain killers and became an alcoholic. He wasn't able to do his job very well and eventually he quit because of his coworkers. I also know he was arrested over a bad thing...that my step father was kind enough to inform me of while he was in the midst of an alcohol influenced binge that also involved him showing me porn in order to 'explain the birds and the bees'.

My life is shaped so much by a man I barely knew. There is a hole in my heart where I wish he could be. I wonder what he would actually think of me...of how I want to write, how I am a Christian, how I feel I am supposed to do ministry, how I feel compelled to play music, how I want to make him proud even though he is dead.

I honestly have no clue if he is in Heaven or Hell. At the funeral the pastor said he was a brother in Christ and of course was in heaven, but seriously, how many preachers do you know would tell the family of someone dead that their loved one had died without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal savior and because they had no one to take the punishment for their sins that loved one is now being punished infinitely for hurting and rejecting a God who has infinite love but yet infinite wrath for sin?

I could go on...but I am quite sure this was too much information. The most important line in that song to me is:

"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me.
I'm sorry."

For some reason I feel like that is something my dad might have told me before I left for college, or maybe if he ever would have heard me preach, teach or me play on stage with a band. That he loved me, that he cares for me and that he was sorry for the flaws that I got from him.

10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
-This is a song by the Japanese artist Rie Fu. It was used as the credit music for the first season of the spectacular anime Bleach. Deep lyrics on love, the confusion of love and dedication.

11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
-I'm a U2 fan. I will take flack for this but I will die defending the importance of U2 music to my life. Me being introduced to them has helped shape me on a deeper level musically, writing wise, spiritually and in all ways artistic.

This particular song is named after the movie it was on the soundtrack for and is from the eclectic album Zooropa, which in turn was recorded in the midst of their massive Zoo TV Tour. Unlike most of the other songs on this album that featured an electronic influence this one is almost quite straight forward.

The lyric is about a severally broken woman (of which I have dated some) who uses and let's herself be used. It's a plea for her to come to sense and realize that she is going to self destruct with the way she is living...that brokenness cannot be fixed with breaking oneself further, one has to "Stay with the spirit I found, Stay and the night would be enough".

12 Digital Love.wma
-Finally a non depressing track.

This is another Daft Punk track on the subject of love and a 'discovery' of feelings.

13 Fool in the Rain.wma
-Led Zeppelin is quite a classic rock band but towards the end of their recording life they came up with this fun little ditty about a poor sap standing in the rain while waiting for his girl.

14 Fools Paradise.wma
-Another selection from the Trigun soundtrack. It's used sporadicly throughout the series as background music and is never heard in its full form until the very end of the series. A fool's paradise is a noun defined as being "a state of enjoyment based on false beliefs or hopes; a state of illusory happiness". Which is a rather fitting way that most people would view the protagonist of Trigun, Vash.

He is a happy go lucky gun fighter with a weakness for doughnuts and in strict competition with Bono about who is more Christ like. Vash 'The Stampede' is a character who despite the first impression he gives to people of him being a bumbling fool, he is in fact an ace gunman who fights in such a way that he never takes a life under any circumstances, even to the point of being mangled. He has a love for humanity on a desolate dessert planet that defies reason. Vash is an eternal optimist that doesn't just hope for the best but sees how the good can come out of every person and situation.

For sure he is a hero of mine.

15 Roads.wma
-Blindside is a Swedish Christian metal band. However this is a rather jazzy song from their album "About a Burning Fire". This is just another well written and developed song that manages to get its meaning across with ease.

16 Love Rescue Me.wma
-U2 at the height of the 80's with a collaboration with Bob Dylan. At times it feels like a very strong spiritual, a hymn even. I won't sully the beauty of it but just give an excerpt of my favorite part:

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

17 All I Want is You.wma

-Yes, one last U2 song. For those of you who are familiar with the U2 song "With or Without You" this was originally written as a coda for that song.

I like to think of myself as a hopeful romantic...but at the end of the day relationships are hard, they hurt and because of my personality type...I have an incredible amount of empathy, which in a positive way helps me desire to love and serve others...but consequently it means I hurt deeper and in ways that words cannot describe. It may just be not having a hard enough shell but even the smallest of words can be taken the wrong way and cause a deep wound...conversely that is something that is overcome only by the love given to me from above.

Point being...this is my favorite love song of all time. If I ever get married I would like for this to somehow be involved in the wedding.

The way this song approaches things is that is expounds upon the absolute mysterious nature of women. I was reading an interview with Bono and at the time of writing this song he and his wife had been married about ten years but in many ways she was still a mystery to him. People tend to mask themselves and hide because of the fear of who they are, a fear that they are not good enough and that no one would love them if they were themselves.

This song, to me, feels like a plea to be able to understand his love deeper and beyond words, beyond physical tokens, beyond any of our stupid and shallow misconceptions of love...but actually having deep spiritual and emotional intimacy. Not just the fast food get whatever sex you can that all of us so easily want to dive into.

True love seems impossible in this world and to be honest it is. But one of the constant reminders to me that there is a loving God is that love does exist. Love is just as irrational as the concept of a loving creator...and both are deep pools of insanity I am more then desperate enough to not just dive into but to drink deeply from and to explore the rich depths until the end of eternity.

The Misadentures of One Princess Christine - Outline

Note to self: Since I was stupid enough to forget to upload this earlier...I'm stuck without a way to be able to edit and add...so this is a continuation of a story with no beginning...but to give the general idea...

-Princess Christine is a, wait for it, princess in the kingdom of Lahdehrah.
-She gets bored of the royal life and of her father pressuring her into arranged marriages so she waits until night and escapes.
-Upon escaping she finds her way to the local village and its tavern.
-Hijinks ensue and has no money to pay for her drinks.
-She is approached by a rather fugly man and a rather dashing but slightly incompetent swashbuckling mage named Nelvin comes to the rescue.
-The fugly man and Nelvin go at it and Nelvin prevails long enough to have a glass bottle smashed over his head.
-Senior Fugly and his cohorts take Christine and Nelvin, bind them up and carry them off with the hopes of selling them into slavery.
-Through a series of yet to be determined disasters combined with Nelvin's bravo they manage to break free...but the duo find themselves in an unfamiliar area (possibly called The Rounds...a sort of dirty, quasi industrial area with an active slave trade as well as an arena for gladiator battles).
-Stuff happens in the city...maybe stuff like them getting lost, running from Fugly and his men, Nelvin somehow accidentally ending up in a Tournament of Arms and confesses to Christine that he isn't a swordsman or mage of noble birth like he had claimed but he is a mere squire whose Knight Mage had died leaving him with no patron. Christine kisses him and tells of her royalty. Nelvin freaks out and falls on a knee before her apologizing and she essentially has to slap some sense into him and just tells him to do his best to not die.
-Of course by a 'royal' fluke Nelvin ends up winning the entire tournament getting them enough gold to be able to travel and begin to find their way back to the kingdom.

-I would like to include a dragon at some point.
-Elves wouldn't be bad, maybe halflings and dwarves as well. Fairies rock too.
-At least one more tavern brawl.
-Possibly a lead up to where they will be getting married but in the end of the story some crazy plot twist where it gets delayed...an invading army led by an enraged Fugly and some bandits or something?

Die Apology Die!

Three-Oh-One

All of these thoughts
I've bled for you.
Every sick scrape,
every cut of my flesh
is this sin for you.
This dark colored robe
I just wear draped,
I wear this sin just for you.

Here I scream.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie within.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside this dream.

Red soaked sunlight soaks this sky.
Fading into the dark as this day ends.
Selfish as only I, I beg to die.
To just take on another useless trend.
I scream your name on these broken knees,
Is there ever a happy end?
Will we ever win?

Here I cry.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie my dear sin.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside, but dear God I will try.

Every spent drop of blood,
every glass of wine.
All the torn skin,
born into bread.
You crucified.
And oh God of my life,
wrapped in love and held me.
Strife and the dead are mine.
But I am yours.

Post Three Hundred of the Year!

...I just don't have much to report.

Just kinda sick...kinda tired and have an odd taste in my mouth from the meds.

Life moves on and on and on...

Yeah.

Witty and funny, come back!!

I think I am actually about to be able to fall asleep...

Hooray for breakfast pizza!

...but in hindsight this may kill my stomach. >_<

My cat snores from time to time...well it's more of a wheeze...but it is still odd all the same.

Still haven't slept...*sigh*...

Daddy...this has been one long night. Please stay with them tonight and hold them close.

I'm...I have no clue who Matthew is...I just know I am needy and in need of you. Please hold me closer and whisper in my ear one more time about how much you love me. Please tell me again how much you desire my presence, how you can take these blood soaked clothes and trade them for something new...something clean.

Daddy, I love you. I need you so much.

It's safe to say that now I feel worse then I did before.

A Frantic Prayer

Jesus...Jesus...I'm alone in this world and fucked up world it is too.
Tell me. Tell me the story.
The one about eternity...and the way it's all going to be.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father,
he made the world in seven.
He's in charge of heaven,
could you put a word in for me?

-U2, 'Wake Up Dead Man'


You can see through me right now. They are asking me to pray, asking me to be something I am not. I've pranced along the way pretending I'm somehow a man of God when I am nothing but a sinning shame.

This is a damn shame.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry for this paper thin faith that can't even believe ion you strong enough for me to crawl out of this depressed self indulgent hole. I was thinking about music, boy time for the band! Fucking actual demons possible running around and what do I think...hey, music ministry!

Pure genius.

Can you please forgive me for being so stagnant, so hollow, so apathetic and so self absorbed?

I want to be sorry, sorry for having such a fake faith, such an apathetic view on life and having no concern for others and salvation.

I'm scared to prayer, I'm scared to do anythign but sit in here self indulging my ever whim and desire.

Could you please wash their family in your Spirit and in your peace? Would you please move in the only way that you can? Would you please, for your own sake, for being adherent to your own word, honor the prayers and faith of all of those begging for freedom for this soul?

What do i do now? I can't prayer on my knees because I'm so easily distracted...I'm so uncaring. I can act all cool, give answers and look good in a Bible study but when the shit breaks loose...I'm loss for words...I have no comfort to offer.

If there was anyone worthy of your holy and horrifying wrath it would be those hypocritical leaders like me. Wolves in sheep skin acting as if to care about your flock and only doing enough to ensure people are damned to Hell.

Yeah, that is beautiful isn't it?

My mind...my body...my soul...it is all sick and it is all exhausted...and you know what? I don't care. I say bring on the pain, this is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of this fucked up world and the pain running through it.

All the pain, all this suffering and I do nothing, I do not even bother to pray.

Please forgive me for being the problem and for adding to it. Please forgive me for embracing myself instead of your word, your spirit and your love. Please see through these insufficient cries and hear me. Please listen and break this rotten and stone filled hot.

Hold me in your arms tightly and never let me go. Daddy, Father, I am so desperate to know you closer. Please, do something now. Please

Reveal yourself, please whisper in their ears of your love, please do something to stir the heart. Do not let this be the end, help the body to fight, to live, to no longer be addicted to this world.

Cast down these strongholds of sin, these mocking demons and let the captives be free by your blood.

Thank you for loving me through the long nights. Thank you for never leaving me Daddy. I love you so much.

I pray and beg this in Christ's name.
Amen.

Goodbye today.
Hello tomorrow.
Maybe today's crap will stay here,
and you tomorrow will be new.

Thoughts and their processes...

...begin and respond.

Action followed quickly by reaction.

So far away.
So almost near,
but you are just as close.
Now if ever.

I hate feeling so torn, so separated...these feelings of pain, depression, sickness and doubt.

Who I am hates who I have been and is afraid of who I will become.

It is so hard for me to will myself to do anything outside of self loathe.


I feel like I am something inexpressible.

I want so badly to be understood and just accepted as myself.

No more fights, no more convoluted thoughts.

Help. Me. Please?

Peace On Earth

Heaven on Earth, we need it now
I'm sick of all of this hanging around
Sick of sorrow, sick of the pain
I'm sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be peace on Earth

Where I grew up there weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you

And it's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the color in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth

They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger than any big idea

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

-U2, "Peace on Earth"

Dearly Dearing Dance

Good night world.
Good night sky.
Good night lord.
Goodbye life.

These things run simply across the screen,
vain repetitions of a half baked lie.
Words flash incandescently by no real mean,
with nothing more than a half hearted try.
Colorful letters spelling out
as they caresses softly, grating these raw nerves.

The boy I am and the man I'll become are two different people.
The chasm of time stretches in endless miles,
the likes which seem to never end.
Willingly I bask in adoration I never earned,
desperate clawed attempts to find my way
as I strive to do nothing more then pretend.
This false salvation is what I only dare to try.

Good night dear stars.
Sleep well dear Love,
my heart in your hands.
Every last breath of my being is in You.
Every last thought of mine but a drop of Your ocean.
My being is in of and nothing more than You.

Ever pained breath,
desperate for life in this raging sea.
Every red eye,
pained by salty tears and promised lies.
Every burning ear,
conditioned to failure by damning hands.

The clay which you break and mold into beauty.
The beginnings of the greatest life never lived,
the start of a story which has never been told.
You embody the loveliness and hope we never knew we would need.

Goodnight.
Goodbye.
Dearest love of mine.
This plastic charade.
Goodbye and goodnight.
I will no longer miss you,
false smiles with pretense.
The beauty of the skin now scourged by knife
and scorched by flame.
A purity found only in the redemptive salvation of innocent blood.
The forgiveness brought and bought by something greater then me,
more then the lies I embrace as I stab you in the back.
More then I ever knew I needed.
This vain repetition I clutch too.

Goodnight, please keep me safe.
Goodbye, it is hard but I want to be free.
Goodnight, love please light my way.
Goodbye, never in ending but only in You.

Jesus...Jesus I need you so much.

I'm scared and I feel alone.

Things are so superficial around me...they are confusing and I just...I just need some kind of real rest, some kind of healing...some way of breaking out of this cycle of pain.

Do you love me as much as you promise?

Please do not let me self destruct.

Don't let me die here.
Don't let me die like this.
Please Daddy.

You know, I don't know if I'm scared and terrified of my sin because I know you know...or because I'm afraid others may find out and realize the absolute scumbag I am.

U2 - If God Will Send His Angels

I'm so inspired I might be sick.
Feeling your words like claws
I can't help but smile.
The insanity of it all.

Day 21

"Show your strength, God, so no one can miss it.
We are out singing the good news!"
-Psalm 21:13


I'm not exactly sure what to say or anything.

I want to experience you closer, I want to be closer to you and I would like to sing.

I just feel distant you know?

Kinda like how we can be closer but right now I'm just feeling so bad that it is hard to focus or concentrate.

I'm tired of being worried about nonsense and my hypocrisy...I just want to be clean, I want to be loved, I want to be yours.

I'm exhausted and feel ill.
Please help me to come back.

Ye gats I feel like I'm floating here.

I wish my body would stop freaking out long enough to realize that if it didn't freak out life would be much less of a headache.

Sleep now...please?

Seriously...?

Identity...I feel like I'm losing it...in a very bad way, identity I mean.

Really, who am I?

I have defined myself by titles, work I was doing, the praise of others, degrees, honors and other menial (and to be perfectly honest useless)things.

It's possible for me to be a chameleon around everyone. Everyone.

I'm not sure who the real me is.

Just whoever the hell he is, I am quite sure he is not a fan of circumstances...but then so what?

So, what?

The basic, good sense advice is to be happy with what I got and with who I am and what things are. If you boil things down I am just your typical middle middle class spoiled white kid who has two pretend degrees, a lot of health problems, an unbelievable amount of room for doubt and self loathing, few real job prospects, no real life aspirations and well... the bed I'm laying on, a glass of tea, U2 playing in Winamp and an increasingly neurotic orange cat by the name of Yoda.


So...story time:

One of the first major errors I made with theology came about partly because of my home life but mostly because I was a confused fourteen year old trying to wrap his head around life, the universe and everything.

Stoicism is a quite ancient form of Greek philosophy that I really do not feel like going into completely but will just hit on two relevant highlights:

-Matter is bad and spirit is good.
-Self improvement and discipline is the route to salvation and happiness.

Growing up in the ever so lovely South Eastern Maniac Christian Themed Land I still live in, I not only regularly heard these ideas but turned them into personal ideals. It went something like this:

"Sexual thought, sex itself, sex in general, the word sex, alcohol, beer, mixed drinks and Harry Potter are all the scourges of society. The utter moral corruption and decay we are facing from can be found in all these horrifically horrible acts. All we have to do is protest, stamp our feet really hard and put our fingers in our ears while humming loudly and we might just change the world. All the horrible things involving abortion, sexual addiction to porn, genocide and boy bands can be stopped if we make a loud enough noise while making sure the spot light is pointed right at us...right?"


Maybe it was just because I wasn't told enough as a child that I was loved but for some reason I embraced the idea behind those two ideas of Stoicism...the physical is bad/the spirit is good and if one works hard enough everything will be okay.

Well, it wasn't that I actually sat down and thought out about embracing heretical ideas...it is just something I was taught in church and the supposed example set for me by adults.

Really it is weird thinking about how greatly my life was impacted by an idea in church that has no legitimate business being there in the first place but if I had a dime for every time I have had one of these thoughts...

*Coughs* So...digressing.

I quite obviously do a lot of thinking and soul searching. One of the things on my mind lately has been trying to understand why I have been depressed and otherwise in a constant up and down state for most of my life. Sure we do have the theory about the chemical imbalance but what if, just what if I have been setting myself up to fail all of these years?

Obviously the idea behind Christianity is quite a good one (regardless if you believe or not).

1.God made a lot of crap and then made man.
2.Satan tempted man and man screwed up by sinning.
3.God in his infinite holy self hates sin.
4.Since God's holy rage is infinite Man is infinitely screwed.
5.Despite being severally pissed off, in a holy fury kind of way, God still loves man and longs to be near him again. Knowing this would happen, God had a plan: Jesus.
6.The Son part of the Trinity comes to earth and is a baby born of a virgin, God in literal human flesh.
7.Jesus lives a perfect life and along the way heals some blind guys, makes some awesome wine for some quite tipsy guys at a wedding and in general loves the unlovable misfits of this world while enraging the religious elite.
8.The aforementioned religious elite get together with other figures and eventually plot out how to get Jesus to look bad and be able to kill him.
9.Jesus is 100% God and 100% man. This concept gives me a 100% headache but at the same time is still true. Jesus allows himself to be arrested, beaten and horrifically tortured and executed.
10.This death was a deliberate act meant to take the place of man before an infinitely holy rageful God that had been offended by the sins of his creation.
11.In other words, because Jesus is God, God essentially chooses to die to redeem his beloved people from the mess they put themselves in.


I know I missed some bits here and there...but that is what the gospel means to me. It means that I am loved in spite of myself, my actions and my mistakes.

Christianity is not about earning salvation. God isn't the spiteful prick we try to make him into. He created us to be joyful, to enjoy love with him and each other. But at the end of the day life is not about us and our little plastic dreams. It's about Him and the fact we are incurable unless we go to Him.

Sexuality, alcohol and Harry Potter are not the reason why the world is so messed up. It is messed up because human nature is broken. But despite that there is love and real hope...but there is a tension between my recovering self and the love of Christ.

The big problem is that I do not think that I follow this very well. I might be mistaken and could be next in line for pope but at the end of the day I see the me that no one else does.

I tend to focus on the negative more then the positive.

The negative is that the world is messed up.
The positive is that there is a Love greater then I can understand but wants to know me on a personal level.

It may seem like self delusional crazy talk (do keep in mind who is writing this after all) but in all sincerity there is something deeper to this then mere placebos. Religion may be an opiate of the masses but real Christianity is meant to set fire to the soul and force us to look at the ugliness of ourselves but in the light of a forgiving love from one begging us to accept His love.


Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It was written by Solomon after spending a life of being the worlds richest king that had over a thousand women. Long story short the fame, the money, the sex and the life left him empty, hung over and wondering who stole his wallet.

The book acts as a deep reflection over the life he lived and how little value exists in so many things we place priority in. Similar to Proverbs it offers a lot of wisdom chunks here and there.

"I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life - here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?

It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it."

-Ecclesiastes 7:15-18

Balance is the key.
Finding a balance between where I am and where I am going.
Who I am and who I could be.
Finding a reasonable hour to go to sleep at.

I would dare say a lot of my pain has been needless because of trying to be something I am not. This doesn't excuse the bad but it does mean I am lovable as myself, in ways I'll never understand.

Jesus I think I'm going to fucking throw up.

Please, please help me.

Official 2008 Olympics Song: Please Ignore The Communism

It's Official:

Novel editing sucks.

Bleeeargh.

I sometimes get so damn tired of dealing with this...seriously. I'm so tired...so sick...so frustrated.

Could I please have some degree of peace?

Seriously...why?

Daddy please help me to shut the heck up and just show love. I blab on and on and use such stupid words when all that is needed is YOUR love.

Please move me, move in me, heal me and do something.

Day 15

"Walk straight, act right, tell the truth."
-Psalm 15:2

How am I supposed to walk straight when I don't even know where the hell I'm going?

I'm so tired, I'm tired of feeling sick, of being so selfish, for feeling guilty over being sick, for being imposed on by people who make me feel like shit for feeling like shit...I don't even know what is wrong. For all I know I'm messed up in the head and my stomach is fine.

I feel like I'm trapped here because I have nowhere to go, I hate school, I hate work, I hate church, I hate You. I'm so sick of this walking blindly with faith crap. I'm tired, I am hurting, do you understand or even give a damn?

I just want to stand here and scream at you because of how scared and frightened I am and I have no way of saying it. Every time, every time I try to talk about it I feel guilty for imposing myself so I make some kind of stupid joke to put off the fears of dying, of maybe being ill and not able to find out what it is.

I make jokes because if I take MYSELF serious then and my PROBLEMS serious, then it IS serious.

I wish I never would have been born.
I hate life.
I hate You.

Thank you for loving me, loving me even now. I'm sorry. That is all I know to say. I love you and I'm sorry.

The Art of Hypocrisy

Messages flash across the screen
tearing the sound across with a screech,
flashing words of false humility and tearful pride.

Nothing is as it seems,
everything dare dreamed resides in,
with bitter lies and holy tears.

The words you speak expire,
flaunting as the meek
while we all burn on this pyre of self.

The worse of all is myself, false humility and all.
Self exposed hypocrite to vein to quit.
To emboldened to retire or simply be.
The world is mine and everything in it.
Mine.
Myself.
I.

As much as I tout myself as being an expert on the area of God, Christianity, religion, church and the like...I really don't know much at all.

Oh wait...I do know I'm pain! And sick! Yes, I am!

Day 12

Into the hovels of the poor, Into the dark streets where the homeless groan, God speaks: "I've had enough, I'm on my way to heal the ache in the heart of the wretched,"
-Psalm 12:5

How long before you come and do this?
I can't handle my own pain and I don't know how you can handle the worlds...but please do. Don't forget us, don't forget me please. I need you Father, in this moment and for what time I have left here and for when I'm with you for eternity...please do not forget my name and forget me.

Insomniac

Floating although not awake,
stifled although not made.
Dreams of stuff yet made,
Clever rhymes made to feel aches.
It's safe to say the break will fade
until the light passes to night.

Words and their letters spell out in light
and poor metaphors.
Sleep deprived and driving through fog
light by deathly orange street lights.

It's safe to say it's all in shades of gray,
the words said cannot be taken as thus.
Every escaped breath can be taken as this,
look and see for yourself and don't be fooled.

Ye gods I'm so tired of feeling so freaking sick, of being ill and just the general mishmash of pain that is my body.

At least I'm in a reasonable good mood.

Day 11

"I've already run for dear life straight to the arms of God. So why would I run away now when you say."
-Psalm 11:1

So much chaos is going around...so much heart ache. Please hold me Jesus, please keep me safe and keep everyone around me. Help me to be a blessing and not a curse, thank you for your love and your care. I love you and need you so much.

Iago and the Joker are my role models for evil.

Why does feeling overwhelmed come so easily when all that has to be done is a few phone calls and little bit of driving...why do I let myself get into a place where social contact scares me?

So silly.

Feeling Some Days

Every day is indeed a day,
but some days are better then others.
Some days are better worth living
and others better left running from.
Some days are better left alone,
while others you see mother.

I just keep getting this funny feeling,
that some day is just today.
You know yesterday wasn't today,
but tomorrow is just another day.
Another day.

The new day was left waiting
on the day before to catch up.
While the news from the other one
got lost on the press.
Forget duress and the day.
Come back and realize that today,
yeah today,
is just in fact another day.

I GIVE UP!

BURN IN LITERARY HELL TYPOS FOR I NO LONGER CARE!

BLARRRRGHHH!

Ye gods, how does one stupid article have some many bloody typos?


** ** **

So...I was born in and have lived in the South East U.S. my entire life, to be more specific Alabama, the belt of the metaphorical Bible Belt. Supposedly the only thing that is more sacred then Jesus down here is football and believe me does it ever show.

I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.


By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.

It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.

Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.

Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.

Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.

I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.

The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.

All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.


"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.

"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "

-Isaiah 66:1-4


I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.

We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.

Digressing...

Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."

Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.

Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"

Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).

It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.


"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48


Let's see...covered being called by ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.

So then, what now?

I have no freaking clue.

Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.

I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.

To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.

To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:

"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.

And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me

I Rejoice"

-U2, "Rejoice"

Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.

Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.

Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.


"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.

"But remember the root command: Love one another. "

-Jesus, John 15-17

** ** **

Ye gads if I have to do another COMPLETE revision of this stupid article I may just start setting random objects in my room on fire.

Day 10

"But you know all about it-- the contempt, the abuse. I dare to believe that the luckless will get lucky someday in you. You won't let them down: orphans won't be orphans forever."

-Psalm 10:14

It's been a while since I've read Your word and felt a bright hope and a connection like this. Just...hearing and knowing that it is okay to believe in your peace, your goodness, your forthcoming mercy and love...it's...actually reassuring.

Thank you for loving me in my worse times, thank you for taking a bastard child and giving me a home, giving me love and trying to give me a purpose. I still don't get it but thank you for trying and trying again and again. Thank you for your love Daddy, thank you for being my Awesome God and my personal love...so many things I can't even give to words.

I don't want to stop here, please do not let me stop here, never let me stop and help me to keep pressing forward into whatever future there is. While the day lasts help me to prepare for the onslaught of the darkness, help me to find the place where you would have me be and go be ready to go to that darkness.

Don't let me get to far ahead, pull me back as needed but please, I beg you, help me to be ready for where you would have me serve and love others.

Thank you for saving this heart, soul, mind and body with your.
Thank you Father.

Hooray for not being able to sleep and for feeling ill!

I really want to kick the face in of the person who thought having church in the morning was a good idea...

U2 - With or Without You

Day 9

"You took over and set everything right; when I needed you, you were there, taking charge."


-Psalm 9:4


Everything seems to be speeding up, going faster and faster, so fast it seems like I have no clue what to do. Out of control...faster and more pressing...my days and night bleed into this one long burst of activity that makes no sense.

Perspective makes everything seem alright, like there is a deeper meaning and more order...you alone see where everything is going, the rights...the wrong...the perfections...the good and bad...everything is in your hands, everything you see and touch and move...thank you for keeping me along for the ride so far. Thank you for holding me close and not letting me slip off into the pure chaotic darkness.

Please hold my hand as we walk through this night together. The dawn isn't to far off...but I'm still scared and still not sure on which way to go. Please help me to recover and to be able to not just walk but run into the daylight. Be with me, be my guard, my love, my beginning and my end. Please help me to become yours and restored, thank you so much.

Day 8

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way? Yet we've so narrowly missed being gods, bright with Eden's dawn light.

-Psalm 8:3-5

I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.

I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.

I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.

I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.

Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.

I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.

I'm so tired of feeling freaking sick.

"Holy fury" is quite a terrifying phrase.

Day 7

"Stand up, GOD; pit your holy fury against my furious enemies. Wake up, God. My accusers have packed the courtroom; it's judgment time.Take your place on the bench, reach for your gavel, throw out the false charges against me. I'm ready, confident in your verdict: "Innocent." "

-Psalm 7:7-8

Innocent.

That is a word I normally do not reserve for myself...just to take a tiny walk through the vocubalry I do tend to use...

"Hypocrite, jerk, bastard, liar, thief, adulterer, evil, uncaring, selfish, dumb, confused, sleepy, uncaring, mean, short sighted and...well you get the idea."

Bad words, words meaning that I am less then human, that I do not deserve your love and that I am nothing less then the most vile and horrible evil thing in your creation.

But at the end my words will mean nothing next to yours. I mean that in humbleness, not in an attempt to crucify myself. I have been cleansed and washed by the sacrifice of Jesus, a literal death and resurrection that paid for me. You died for me.

In all sincerity, thank you. With all the words I throw around, all the cliches I spout, thank you for picking me up out of the Hell I was bound for and thank you for setting me up on a firm rock. Things are not perfect but I want to rest in your hands, regardless of the end.

Wherever we go I want to be yours and yours alone. I love you, I need you.

Okay...so I need to stop thinking I'm better then most of the world...but PLEASE could the world NOT make so many STUPID comments that I capitalize off of?

Seriously, I could do so much if I actually get a writing job.

So.
Freaking.
Much.

Words and Again

Some things I just should have expected
other things I knew very well about.
Your word?
The trust?
Negotiationable fallacies lacking grace.

The words you say can almost take flight
and ride upon the winds of fate,
quite noble in your pursuits.
I'm at a loss for words while you are lost over you.
Melodic notes, striking chords and the rest fill empty air,
the reassuring thoughts of silence only act to remind me
again and again of that which I seek to loose.

Choosing thought, loosing sight with all the repetitions in vain.
Attempting to close doors on this part of my mind doesn't work.
Regardless of my attempt both you and the problem remain.

Repetition again and again.
The words remain the same.
I loose myself in soundless remixes of thought,
just so I can pause to reflect on the thought.

I'm not sure on this reflective thought or the consequence it follows.
Repetition again and again.
Words wrap and following in themselves.
I tried to find the way in its own self but I found nothing,
nothing but the same empty room that this began in.

The light doesn't enter such a place,
it curves and bends shape to avoid the confrontation.
The ever desperate attempt at life does nothing but this,
this false imitation of itself,
just whatever and ever it even means in the beginning and end.

I don't know.
It may just be words speaking for themselves,
words wastering, killing, wondering, dying and being this.
It may be this or it could be that.
I do not know the words I am trying to say,
just that they are themselves.
Words repetitious and superstitious.
Words themselves.
Words representing and living.
Roaring flames desperately alive.
Benin only in their incompleteness,
alive only in their self.

Book Overviews

Novel 1 - Apocalypse Forthcoming!

A somewhat irreverent comedic romp concerning the end of the world. Nathan Peterson is your slightly above average college student who is trying to figure out just what it is he is doing in life...and then destiny throws an Armageddon sized curve ball his way. Setting off across country with a more then slight ragtag group of friends and misfits.

Jermius - Life long best friend of Nathan who discover innate powers to manipulate the world around him.

Angelica - A Guardian, divine beings set in charge of preventing to the end, who is assigned to aide Nathan in his quest.

Todd Manning - A man who does not understand subtly and has more arrogance then skill. He is sent as a representative of a mysterious group who may aid Nathan.

Jillian - A lady who works at local coffee shop that Nathan has had a long term crush on. By an ironic jest of fate she is also a chosen one.

Douglas - A friend who awakes Nathan in the middle night, claiming that he has had a vision concerning the end.

Nihilism R' Us - A philanthropically, philosophically and social conscious band that have no idea what they believe but end up helping the heroes.


Will they prevent the end or just end up making it worse?





Novel 2 - Service With A Smile

Nelvin is a vastly introverted individual who works for a large company in the sales department. He hates his job and does not mesh well with his coworkers. To make matters worse he has been visited by those he refers to as 'the shadows' ever since he was a child.

What are these hallucinations? Are they real or just the product of a sick mind? What does it take to move one man from the confines of comforting misery to living life?

Personal Upgrade

Broken or not, things are not the same.
To over analyze is almost as bad
as having to hear the thoughts,
the breathing on my neck or the proselytizing.

It's not like I can't make up my own mind
or I am somehow unable to think for myself.
It's not like you are somehow more
or somehow the next better version of me.

Really it's just okay to know you,
really you might be more then alright
but definitely maybe not better then most.
The looks you give make my stomach curl
and you never know what is left much less right.

So please keep still your heart and voice,
just long enough for my head to stop
pounding.

Day 6

"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?"

-Psalm 6:2-3

I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!

Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.

I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?

Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.

You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.

U2 - Yaweh

Traverse Dirt

My soul is dirty,
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.

Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.

The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.

The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.

A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.

Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.

Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?

Day 5

"Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help."

-Psalm 5:1

I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.

Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.

There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.

Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.

I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.

I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.

Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.

I'm under the impression that there is some kind of genetic factor as to why certain things are phrased by certain relations as to me being an absolute failure...then again I have been known to read into things slightly...and be overly dramatic.

Yikes.

Okay...as to why I'm irrationally freaking out...there is no reason...it is a phone call and phones do not bite...I am in actual pain so there is no need to freak and go batty. Anyone who does not understand is crazier then me anyways so ultimately everything will be okay.

And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.

So much for day 4....bah i hate being a hypocrite.

Wow...I've been on this website for a year and a few odd days.

Oddness.

I'm seriously starting to feel out of control.

I'm seriously starting to feel out of control.

Day 3

"But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high."
-Psalm 3:3

The last thing I think of you as a shield. My initial thoughts are that I need to do something to get something from you. That if I am nice enough, kind enough and caring enough then you will make me happy. Like there is some kind of magical 'happy' button that could be pushed.

Unless I'm just missing things you want to hold me enough and be equal in our love, you want to protect me, keep me safe, encourage me and hold me tightly.

It's not enough that I want to do better or to succeed, my being longs for you. The hollow emptiness that i keep trying to feel is just that, a gnawing longing for belonging and security. I run in circles because I'm used to this track but you are so much bigger then I give you credit for, then I realize as I even try to write to you.

Please lift me up onto this rock, this high place and hold me closer still. Help me to stop acting so silly and instead help me to simply be yours and you be mine, forever. However that looks like and however painful it may be you are my beginning and my end.

I may be reaching a sort of silly point by now.

The Ever Increasing Preasure to Perform As a Star

The dark is where I dwell,
the light is to much for me.
I am to much for words.

Every small aspect of light is more then I can stand.
Every bursting ray,
every false pretense,
every supposed half truth is more then I can bare.

It's in the cold stale darkness I live.
The sterile environment in which the nothing claims.

I hold onto nothing because I cannot hold onto you.
Blind, deaf and dumb.
Only fools live down here.
Absolute only in our effort to die.

I can open myself up to your influence
and
then we move close just for a moment.

Shreds of hope almost as bitter as the dull pain.
I am inspired to run and scream.
My fingers can't grip because of the cold numb.
I grasp and stumble and fall forward,
face first into this bitter grating rust.

Your lips move and I don't hear.
Half thoughts concocted into lies.
If I heard I would never believe.
If you ran to my side I would never see you.
If I felt the cold metal sliding across the flesh,
along the veins, I would only dream.

But all in dreams, all in this living slumber I look for you.
I rip my flesh open while crawling across the broken shards,
crimson puddles under my broken form.
I've embarrassed myself again.

Oh deary, I broke character again.
I forgot the mask.
The blood across my face isn't very pretty.
I forgot I was supposed to live inside a sterile lie.
Don the cheerful grin of a drugged sheep.
Oh dear, I guess this means I am alone.

I am resolute as I hold tightly to you.
Look in my eyes and know this is truth.
See past the red mess and see my soul.
Know the things you would rather ignore.
Know the truth you could never be, feel or see.
Look and see this stark naked pain you hate.
See this bastard child that makes you feel shame.
Look in you mirror and drink in your own hypocrisy,
before you hurt another child.

The dirt between us is nothing more then bare shades,
disguises we hold up so we can stand one another.
Don't forget your masks.
Don your masks.
Wear your porcelain facade so you can hide from yourself.
I wear my own selfish blood because I'm afraid of His.

If I did not,
did not run,
did not hide,
did not become
a mere shade
of the person
the disguise
that I long
for me to be,
then we might could have been.

I almost miss the sun.
I almost miss the clouds.
I almost miss hearing your words
and seeing your smile.

There was a grassy hill with a swing.
We sat there and rocked back and forth.
It was just you and I,
people walked pass and never knew our love.
But, I saw to you and you cradle me.
I miss the fresh air of your breath blowing across,
and inside of me.
The pure gift of your love.

For Now and For Today

Sometimes I do not know the monster I can be.
I look but do not see.
I listen but do not hear.
So many flaws represented in a single breath.
Thy words do sting but easily flow,
unwind and bathe in pools of sincere regret.
But, it is to late because of sin.
Too late now and to late to see.
Good bye and goodnight.
For now and for today.
Goodnight,
Goodbye.

Day 2

"Serve the Lord with reverent fear, and rejoice with trembling."
-Psalm 2:11

Reverence and rejoicing and somewhere in between is supposed to be joy.

I'm afraid of trite words falling out of my mouth before I can get a hold of them but what I need is you. I do not need this fear of looking stupid, this prejudice against Christians, this self righteous foolishness and this pig headed belief that I am somehow better then my brethren and better then you.

Please forgive me for not having enough respect to fear you and your name. Your are a close and personal lover but one with an unrestrained passion and wild untamable strength.

Please remind me of how personal, how close you are but how awesome and amazing you are in our personal love and our walk together. Please forgive me for taking you for granted and betraying you with my life.

I love you, I need you more then I realize.
Thank you.

Day 1

"Oh,the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers."
-Psalm 1:1

Joy seems to be so fleeting, I know it is supposed to be this lasting uplifting thing but at the end of the day the world seems more darker then lighter.

My body, my flesh, my being demands and desires so much that is screwed up...it's just like my spirit is screaming for help while in this body. It screams for help because of fears of being tainted by this condition but that is all wrong.

You made both body and spirit and both are good. All the evil can be summed up in overindulgence and abusing your body because of addiction.

I would like to find genuine joy and peace in and with you. I would love to be wrapped in your arms and held tightly, reminded that I am okay the way I am, that you do not hate me for who I am, that you love me, honestly love me more then I can understand.

What is this, this truth we claim to hold?
What is this, this emancipation we fight to hide?