Day 5

"Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help."

-Psalm 5:1

I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.

Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.

There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.

Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.

I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.

I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.

Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.