Day 6

"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?"

-Psalm 6:2-3

I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!

Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.

I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?

Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.

You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.