Seeing If Believing

Just why am I here?
This pain inside never ceases.
I feel cold stares of blank confusion
as I wander from room to room,
full of wonder.
Rain falls outside your windows.
But I just feel the pain as it increases,
the intensity inside sears.

I ask politely for a change
but it never happens.
I ask for a chance
and it never ceases to never be.

It is the feeling of walking in on yourself naked.
This starkness you cannot hide.
Just wipe away the tears you cried,
it's time to be a big boy now.
Time to be a man.
It doesn't matter that you are about to crack,
that you have broken you back,
what matters is you push back.

I am told I was never known by most.
There is a shame of knowing someone desperate.
Desperate for love, for change and for attention.
Those most often given to it know of what I speak,
just be looking out the window you can see.
You see the lies in the mirror and love the window,
just so you can see what you can see and hate.
It is a drunken toxin you love to embrace.

I cannot hope to separate the two,
where you end and I begin.
I look at me and hate what I see
because what I see is me within me.
Withering, cracking and unable to hold up.

I want to go home.
Where the sun never dies.
Where every tear is wiped,
no matter the eye that cried.
I want to go home,
to see the beginning I never knew
and to be held before I fully die.

The waves crash outside your window,
sending cascades across your perfect lies.
Towers of sand torn down by the times.
A look into your shallow soul
revealing just me.
Named as myself,
naked as my sin.
I am the one I always were.
I am the me you will never see.