Still sick.
Brain fried.
Can't pull more than a few words together at a time.
Blah.

Quote of the Day

“The mold in which a key is made would be a strange thing, if you had never seen a key: and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock. Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the divine substance, or a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions.

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it -- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.”
-C.S. Lewis

New(er) Things Afoot

I'm getting serious about trying to put together an online hub for my writing and projects.
This insane collections of ramblings will remain.
And I'm planning on trying to post all links here for those who actually follow this mess of memories, vague thoughts and impossible things.

I guess I'm growing.
Or maybe the growth happened when I wasn't looking.
Regardless the pain.
Oh, the pain.

"October" - U2

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care

October
And kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall
But You go on
And on

Return to Ravnica, New Doctor Who, History of the Reformation...geekery...over...load... @_@

Quote of the Day

“I had a professor one time... He said, 'Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway'.”
-Rich Mullins 

Is it romantic or just pathetic to hold out hope on someone/something that seems to never respond...and in the meantime life is flowing by?

Time keeps flying by.
Hard to focus in on details when it feels like nothing and nowhere is what it seems.
So tired.
But...undercurrents of Love carrying me while I fight for my health.
At least it wasn't cancer.

Sickly Cleaning

Cleaning while having pneumonia is not QUITE as exciting as it sounds.
However listening to "I Am the Doctor" from Doctor Who makes things infinitely more exciting than they would be otherwise.

Waiting...waiting...UM...you make me wait on the phone for so long. -_-

Oh for a Song to Sing, A Muse to Cry Unto

Reading words with no context.
With no voice.
Not being able to hear the tones and inflections...
Oh the pain.
Memories that are treasures,
start to weigh down
and feel the weight of glory.
That maybe all will be revealed.

And I can take you by the hand,
see your smile face to face
and we can walk in the Kingdom.
Unburden by chronic death
but flowing with everlasting Life.

Silliness of life.

So tired.
Achey.
But alive.
Breathing.
Wonder.
Hope.

Thank You for Grace.

Woah

Well the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy was insane enough to where I am not sure I can watch the rest of the season.

Just...wow.

Breathing again...so, so, so wonderful.

Wandering Souls

So cold in here.
Loosing feeling
and loosing touch,
so cold.

I miss warmth.
Hugs.
Feeling sure.
The capacity of assurance.

Days have gone by,
sun setting on the day
and I have to wonder.

What will come at night?
Will the shadows darken?
What will come out at night?
Will the demons show?

There is the wonde
as the soul wanders,
never finding contentment
but acting as a leech,
always wanting.

Something new,
something bigger
and something greater.

But I have not the capacity for such foolishness,
the night approaches
and my road hasn't grown shorter.
I still have to walk.
Even when there is no light to see by.
Step by step,
pace by pace
Hope I don't fall in the dark
and break my freaking neck.

At least
I have the hope
that the one who wanders
is not lost.
And maybe one day
there can be warmth
and hugs.

Money In, Money Out

Money in, Money out.
Bills come and stay.
Get paid.
Get replaced.
Get paid again.
And are sill replaced.

Cycles and never ending rotations.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

Another Day, Another Breath and Another Step

The funny thing about telling people "there is hope", "don't give up" and "there is a reason to live" is that when I start to hurt or despair...I have to live with what I have said and carry it.

Partly it is obligation and partly because I have to keep living.
I have had no choice or say in the matter.
I should be dead.
And yet I live.

Breath is in my lungs.
My heart still beats.
And the neurons are still firing in my brain.

This pain in my soul, body and mind will not destroy me.
It will hurt.
It will knock me down.
But I will stand again.
I will be pulled back to my feet.
When my body gives out I trust I will fall into the arms of One waiting.

But there are no easy answers or solutions to life problems.
And no easy escape.
For better or worse I'm stuck on this linear course.
And I aim to do what I can.
Show as much love and compassion and see what happens.

Quote of the Day

"Even with so much bad blood between us...it's funny. Now that I'm actually face to face with him again...the hatred is gone. All I feel is a deep sense of longing, and pity."
-Snake "Jack", Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Writing Prompts

Feeling ill.

Love is a drug.

Future time is an illusion.

...it's amazing how I still manage to be surprised at the internet and people lacking those moral-whatsits that seem so important...

Coughing is a bit annoying.
Just saying.

I wonder if some memories are not meant to be remembered...but then what are they for and why do they exist?

On Jennifers

So Jennifer finally visited me...a couple weeks ago.
I know if I do not post this now I am not sure when I will.
I was medicated out of my skull and only have the faintest memories of the visit, however I was told it went well.

Seems I always have such strange timing.
Strange how she visited now and we met after years of correspondence.
Time is fleeting, so very fleeting.
Why won't you slow down so we can all take a comfortable stroll? 

Early Morning Existential Quandary

The greater the selection of options, choices and possible results...the greater the pressure of choice becomes.

At least it is from my perspective.

Maybe that is why it is so easy for me to feel such weight?
Even when I wish for it all to vanish in wisps of smoke.

One of the normal questions asked when diagnosing depression, anxiety and etc. is if a person has lost joy in their ever day life.

Why does it seem...what does it feel...like I either have to be joyful or miserable?

Not a balance of those two emotions but one of the poles.

I do not feel it is me setting me up for failure...but just if I do not exercise caution my heart/soul/mind wanders and finds all these questions, all these instances of pain and all of the sum total of silliness of human existence...and I feel the pain others feel.

Sometimes I forget that I am supposed to feel my own pain.
It is so much easier to let situations and guilt dictate how I breath.

What is this?
What is it we become at night?
For all the roads we walk
and questions we ponder,
where is it we are going?
Questions aplently
but answers afew.
Oh how I wish You were here.
So much regret.
So much pain.

I have to decide.
Sooner,
always sooner
and never later.

Stay with me.
Through this night,
through the pain,
as my flesh fails
and my spirit cries out,
stay with me.
Please.