"The weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than I've found to offer up as my plea,

Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

God, some help with writing would be amazing...
I feel like I'm lost in this Forest of uncertainty and doubt about who You are, who I am and what I was put here to do...

"there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me i'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, i'm not sure when (and if) they happened

i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how"

Everything is flying by at such an absurd pace...
Will I be here a year from now?
Or will I be in Your arms, never to fear again?

I want to learn to forget and push past the pain of now...so many, so many...and so maybe, just maybe I can be a little further when the time comes...

I want to make You proud.
Silly as it is.
Silly as it will always be.

I really need to get around to figuring out what this blog is about...going since 2007 with no real course and you can tell...hrmm...

Isaiah 1

"“What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats."


"Wash yourselves and be clean!
Get your sins out of my sight.
Give up your evil ways.
Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows.

“Come now, let’s settle this,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool."
-Isaiah 1:11, 16-18


So many words, so many things...how much of any of this makes any sense at all?

I am so tired.
I feel so sick.
My soul is troubled and I'm weighed down by worries, concerns and wanting to help...but I can't even help myself.

I feel so lost and misplaced.

At church today, I felt You.
I felt you in the prayers, in the music, in seeing people come to You and worship...there was an atmosphere of acceptance...even though I wandered around like a lost lamb...no, lost goat.

Point being...I don't have any sacrificial offerings I can give You.
Just my heart.
Broken, confused and battered...second hand and falling apart.

You have seen me, you see right into me...for you all my insides are displayed...all the good, bad and ugly parts...everything I hate about myself and everything I am ashamed of.

I just...need, crave and want to be loved.

The Darkness is there.
Within me.
Outside my window.
Waiting.
Thinking.
Growing.
Thriving in every recess of my heart that I won't break open.

My sins are too numerous to recount and I just...want to find peace.
If I could sleep that would be something.
Instead, I ache...I hurt.
So much pain.
So tired.

I've got nothing.
Nothing at all.

If you can make this real, make this grace alive in me...help me.
Help me to take that first step.
Help me love, help me do the right thing...I've got nothing left.
I'm just holding on and hoping.

That...is depressingly ironic.

Song of Songs 8

"Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.
If a man tried to buy love
with all his wealth,
his offer would be utterly scorned."
-Song of Songs 8:6-7


I think this might be my favorite section of the book...just the flowing poetry...

The idea of comparing love to be as strong and enduring as our own finite and inevitable morality has such...odd yet interesting...

This life is limited but...and yet...this is not the end.
As silly, impossible, sad, painful and broken as things are...
There is hope.
Wonderful, impossible, impractical and unexpected hope.

Finding reality in a tension between rigid religion and free flowing spirituality...
Finding love, purpose, grace and hope in infinite and unexpected Love.

Quote of the Day:

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time."
-T.S. Elliot

Why do I care so much about things which are not my concern?
At all?
Not my life.
Not my things to consider.
Not my things that I have control over or that I should.

Thoughts...things, so many things that do not, cannot and should never matter...

Just dancing in endless circles.
Driven by pain.
I just want to find a place to hide away for all time.

"Humankind cannot bare very much reality."
So true Mr.Elliot.
So...utterly true...

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Song of Songs 6

“Who is this, arising like the dawn,
as fair as the moon,
as bright as the sun,
as majestic as an army with billowing banners?”
-Song of Songs 6:10

Why did I start reading this book?
This is really the absolute last thing in the world I really need or want to think about, consider or worry about...

I forgot how...er to the point the language is.
Poetic but very erotic.
I like poetry but not so much the eroticism...I'm twenty-four, a virgin, a still too young for this sort of thing.

That verse, I didn't pick it because of deep meaning, but because it was one of the few poetic passages without excessive and at times over the top sexual meaning.

Sexuality isn't bad.
I just don't want to deal with it.

Hugs, hand holding, getting coffee, walks in the park...all the sort of thing is as deeply romantic as I want to get.

Everything else is just a headache induing complication that I really am not sure is possible or capable of being sustained...humans are so fickle, so prone to evil and broken...

...but God chases after us, that to me is what makes the beauty of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection so...insane.

Not only does He give blood to atone for our sin, cause the veil separating us from the Holy of Holies to be ripped down...He then proceeds to send Christians out to share love but doesn't wait for us to get it right...

He shows up in our lives, seemingly everywhere just whispering Love and Grace to our broken natures, our abilities to screw up...

Whereas we have religious leaders, parents, teachers, family and others willing to scream at us for messing up...Jesus whispers love. His Love is the unending hurricane of endless passion that refuses to let us alone.

The choice is all ours to make...but His passion and chase is unrelenting.
Something that I have trouble grasping but Love is Love.
Even in this book...

So many thoughts, incomplete hopes...wonders and wonder.

...still tired.

I sense a running theme here...

So...so....so...tired.
Yikes.
#_#

Song of Songs 3

"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love until the time is right."
-Song of Songs 3:5

Every time I think love of any type, anyway is impossible and beyond my broken and bitter soul...You surprise me.

The doorway to my soul refuses to slam shut and be locked off from the world.
I'm much too exausted to make sense of anything at this hour...

Except...Love will win.
The Darkness will not overcome.
I have Hope that is growing...prayers that nothing goes too fast...and that time falls into place as it will...

Twice?
Twice.

The same stupid paper that was lost on my laptop was just eaten by Word.

Time for a third attempt while laughing madly the entire time.

Song of Songs 2

"Catch all the foxes,
those little foxes,
before they ruin the vineyard of love,
for the grapevines are blossoming!"
-Song of Songs 2:15

Since 'Song of Songs' is right after 'Ecclesiastes' it seemed to make sense to just read into that, since I haven't touched some of the wisdom/poetry books in a couple of years.

I don't understand people.
I've sort of come to the understanding that I don't understand and that may be for the best.

I have accepted I live in another world altogether...a world of anticipating the Coming Age, the fading away of illness and pain, the death of death...and the hope that my Love will return and right this broken world.

Song of Songs is weird in that it encapsulates so much of the paradox and duality in life...male and female, temporal and eternal, God and man, the divine and creation...this love poem of a broken king and broken servant girl.

The thing I have learned most about people, relationships and family...is no one is perfect, no one has their act together and on the best of days we are just smiling and trying to just survive...

So it's okay.
It's not okay to accept failure and give up...but it is okay that eventually bad things will happen.
Promises will be broken.
Lovers will be hurt.
Lies will happen.
Sin is death and sin is at all of our doorsteps.

Nothing can excuse sin but grace can forgive it and make having to face the consequences more bearable.

I hate those stupid little foxes.
They are the small problems that sneak in and nip at the roots of life, the small pains that grow if they are ignored...

It feels like so much of my life revolves around having to beat them off and just try and find a moment to rest, to breath...to leave this insanity.

I just...
I'm tired and know there is hope, know there is a reason and will be okay...this isn't the end...it's just hard to hold on...hard to keep focus...

There is never a reason to despair and lose all hope...but sometimes it's a struggle not to.

Quote of the Day:

""Milton was right…" The choice of every lost soul can be expressed in the words "Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven." There is always something they insist on keeping even at the price of misery…"
-C.S. Lewis

Ecclesiastes 12

"The words of the wise are like cattle prods—painful but helpful. Their collected sayings are like a nail-studded stick with which a shepherd drives the sheep.

But, my child, let me give you some further advice: Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out.

That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad."
-Ecclesiastes 12:11-14

Words.
There are a lot of those floating around...
...in my mind, my soul, this stupid blog and everything...

Words.
Words.
Words.

Action?
Meaning?
Hope?
Love?
Giving?
Living?
Sacrifice?

What does it look like to love?
What does it look like to give until it hurts?
What does it mean to be a Christian in a white middle class world that revolves around money, plans, ambition and taking what you can get while you get it?

I want to know what it is like to know Christ, to know Him crucified and to die...I want the shallowness in my soul to be ripped out from me and have it pass before me into the flames...so maybe, just maybe I can finally stop living to die...and begin dying so that I might live.

Looking in the mirror...sometimes I see myself and don't know who I am.
I don't know if my younger self would recognize me...and what would it matter if I did...or did not.

We run around.
We live.
We cry.
We die.
All of it to amplify...

All it to amplify what?
What is it my life is saying?
Whom do my tears fall for?
Who does my limited resources go to feed, to cloth and to encourage?

There are precious few answers which are simple, which make any sense in this stupid life of compromise and neutral areas.

But Love does.
Love wins.
Christ loves you, loves me and desires for the both of us to be still and listen.

Elijah went into the desert to flee the wrath of Ahab and Jezebel.
He laid in the desert in despair despite "winning" at a religious competition.
God told him to get up and be ready because HE was going to pass by.
Elijah took shelter in the cave.

Wind, fire and destruction passed by the cave...and it was not God.
God was the gentle whisper to come after the destruction.

Our lives have meaning.
Our choices matter.
In the dark, in the confusion, the middle of the night is the still small voice of God whispering love, grace and peace...again, again and again.

Even while trapped in a Hell on earth can grace be found.

There is so much more to see, heard and understood that any can process...

Yet this Love, this fact, this facet is all I can see that matters.
Everything else pales.
Everything else is passing.
The only thing I except to really recognize outright from now until the depths of Eternity is this Love.

It will no longer be pale.
It will no longer seem dim.
The roaring flames of God will continue to melt, refine and embrace my broken self...and this eternal Love will continue and we'll walk by the sea.

"That's what I love about Torchwood. By day, you're chasing the scum of the universe, come midnight you're the wedding fairy."
-Ianto Jones

Ecclesiastes 11

"Young people,it’s wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do. So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless."
-Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

So much random disorder, chaos, confusion and doubt...

The chance to live, to breath, to experience...to live and fail...to love and hurt, to see and feel...

Responsibility, ultimate responsibility for every choice...to bring Heaven or Hell to a reality to this world, to the home I build and make for those around me...showing good and evil...becoming more Holy or Hellish in every little choice that adds up to the sum of the eternal...

And grace, so much grace to be given and that carries and smooths over all the roughness, the fear and doubt.

I'm finite but surrounded, plunged into the infinite with so much love...and grace that doesn't make any sense...but that is okay...

It's okay my mind and soul can't comprehend because all of this great learning has brought sorrow upon me and so much doubt...but there is hope.

Wonderful, beautiful, deep, impossible hope that goes beyond my own ability to grasp and understand at all.


The Love, the eternal grace goes beyond the temporal...the now and points to something much bigger, much grander and more beautiful than I can properly grasp.

Sometimes...it's a wonder to be lost and not know everything.

Quote of the Day:

"Yes, that's right, you're going. You've been gone for ages. You're already gone. You're still here. You've just arrived. I haven't even met you yet. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it. Strange business, time. Think about me when you're living your life one day after another, all in a neat pattern. Think about the homeless traveler in his old police box, his days like crazy paving."
-The Doctor

Quote of the Day:

“Yes, the gracious God enfleshed in Jesus Christ loves us.”

“Grace is the active expression of his love. The Christian lives by grace as Abba’s child, utterly rejecting the God who catches people by surprise in a moment of weakness—the God incapable of smiling at our awkward mistakes, the God who does not accept a seat at our human festivities, the God who says “You will pay for that,” the God incapable of understanding that children will always get dirty and be forgetful, the God always snooping around after sinners.”

“At the same time, the child of the Father rejects the pastel-colored patsy God who promises never to rain on our parade….

…the child of God knows that the graced life calls him or her to live on a cold and windy mountain, not on the flattened plain of reasonable, middle-of-the-road religion.”

“For at the heart of the gospel of grace, the sky darkens, the wind howls, a young man walks up another Moriah in obedience to a God who demands everything and stops at nothing. Unlike Abraham, he carries a cross on his back rather than sticks for the fire…like Abraham, listening to a wild and restless God who will have His way with us, no matter what the cost.”

“This is the God of the gospel of grace. A God who, out of love for us, sent the only Son He ever had wrapped in our skin. He learned how to walk, stumbled and fell, cried for His milk, sweated blood in the night, was lashed with a whip and showered with spit, was fixed to a cross, and died whispering forgiveness on us all.”

“The God of the legalistic Christian, on the other hand, is often unpredictable, erratic, and capable of all manner of prejudices. When we view God this way, we feel compelled to engage in some sort of magic to appease Him. Sunday worship becomes a superstitious insurance policy against His whims. This God expects people to be perfect and to be in perpetual control of their feelings and thoughts. When broken people with this concept of God fail—as inevitably they must—they usually expect punishment. So they persevere in religious practices as they struggle to maintain a hollow image of a perfect self. The struggle itself is exhausting. The legalists can never live up to the expectations they project on God.”

“A married woman in Atlanta with two small children told me recently she was certain that God was disappointed with her because she wasn’t “doing anything” for Him. She told me she felt called to a soup kitchen ministry but struggled with leaving her children in someone else’s care. She was shocked when I told her the call was not from God but from her own ingrained legalism. Being a good mother wasn’t enough for her; in her mind, neither was it good enough for God.”

“In similar fashion, a person who thinks of God as a loose cannon firing random broadsides to let us know who’s in charge will become fearful, slavish, and probably unbending in his or her expectations of others. If your God is an impersonal cosmic force, your religion will be noncommittal and vague. The image of God as an omnipotent thug who brooks no human intervention creates a rigid lifestyle ruled by puritanical laws and dominated by fear.”

“But trust in the God who loves consistently and faithfully nurtures confident, free disciples. A loving God fosters a loving people.”
-Brennan Manning

Ecclesiastes 10

"If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit!
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes."
-Ecclesiastes 10:4

I want to quit.
I want to hide.
I want to run and just not have to deal with this stress, this illness, this pain, this exhaustion, the fact that every time I eat I get sick...I just want to hide from everything that doesn't make sense...

...I want to but I can't.

I just...have to trust, have to hang on...
I have no choice but to trust.
And I cannot begin to even convey how terrifying that is.
Christianity isn't a remote comfort to anyone who actually bothers to read the Bible and realize that the only thing we're promised is misery, death and enough grace to get us from here to there...with an assurance that the harder we try and the more we love than the worst the sorrow and pain.

I promise I'm not a negative masochist but there is joy to be found...even when my world is falling apart and I am just a frightened child.

There is grace.
I fear.
I doubt.
I fall.
I fail.

But for some reason I'm loved.
I can't understand or will ever grasp why God has any interest or desire to know me, insignificant chief of sinners whose only claim to fame is religious nonsense, but here I am...hanging on by a thread and somehow loved.

Nothing I can do could ever increase God's love for me or make him see me as anything but a wounded son who is broken and in need of love...I wish I could be strong but it's a fantasy when you pretend you are something else...and this is love, real broken and Love that defies logic and expectation.

I'm just a broken piece being loved.
Maybe one day I'll be free of pain...but maybe it's the pain that will finally keep me close to God.
It's not about getting good marks or defining myself in human terms...but learning to love, to carry that love and share it with every breath.

Please, just grace enough for today.
Peace enough so I can smile.
Truth enough to embolden my every effort to love.

Coming from one who has a lot of faith...there is nothing I find as infinitely depressing and frustrating then those who wield "truth" as a club to beat people senseless and try to guilt them into whatever mold they themselves are stuck in. No one is perfect and even on the good days life is a struggle...there is just no time to waste on pointless bickering, slandering and backstabbing when there is so much good that is in need of doing and love in need of giving.

Ecclesiastes 9

"I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time."
-Ecclesiastes 9:11

Life.
There is every reason to be bitter, to be cynical and to give up.
But there is life, light and a reason to smile.
Love.
Shown to me, given to me, hugs, kisses, prayers, emails, texts, letters...reminders that there is a reason I am breathing, that there is a reason I have refused to just lay down and die.

I can never quite fathom or express how much physical pain I am.
The fact I FEEL and have such strong emotional and mental responses to everything can just turn things into this...maze, this swamp of emotions and clouds of doubt.

But I feel Your love.
Just as much as I feel this pain.
My spine, my stomach, my head...all hurt...
But my soul, my heart, my mind...are enraptured by this impossible love.

"And so one morning just before dawn You came
Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in Your hand
As the moist air up to Your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw Your lips move
Asking: Did you lose something
I stood glued to the window

Emotions running through my vein
How I know a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You

And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost

I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"


Can I run away?
Be safe in Your arms?
Feel the peace beyond understanding
and know, just know
that You will chase away all my fear
all the monsters
and know that forever
I will be loved?

Ecclesiastes 8

"...Those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right, for there is a time and a way for everything, even when a person is in trouble."
-Ecclesiastes 8:5-6

There is something utterly remarkable to me in this passage.
It seems there is no excuse for evil, no excuse for choosing the lesser part, no excuse for selling out...even when everything is on the line and death is the asking price for faithfulness.

Sure there is grace.
But there is also having to live with the stupid decisions we are all prone to making.

Seemingly the best thing one can do is prepare for the worse.

And the last part of verse eight from this chapter:
"There is no escaping that obligation, that dark battle. And in the face of death, wickedness will certainly not rescue the wicked."

There is the survival instinct in us that drives us on, making us choose to live when seemingly there should be no drive...but more than that, is the change...the grace that means leaving our animalistic tendencies behind for something more.

Why live?
Why choose to go on when the easy way is to quit?

More than love, more than need...there is something that has to stir, that has to breakthrough to make someone...well me...choose to live when the easiest thing is to give into despair and quit.

It's not something from anyone or anything.
It's a personal battle that goes from artistic endeavors to choosing to ignore the voice that screams at me how imperfect, disgusting and worthless I am...to choosing to look my impending doom square on and laugh...because of how pointless the fear has become.

I may die before finishing this statement.
Or before my next class.
Or before your next breath.

But here I am, alive.
Confusing and ever so meaningful because to live is to shape and create purpose with every waking moment, every step...ever sense of be and being.

It's a choice.
Always, always, always a choice...obedience or rebellion, life or death...servitude or freedom.

It's not everyday you get to choose which path to walk...and sometimes the choice to rebel against life...this world...this culture and die in freedom is better than to live shackled to this sinking ship of ego and self.