"we are the few that won't say nothing right
we are the footsteps fading into the night
nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and i say:
i never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it
and i don't know where we went wrong
all i know now is i got to do something right"

Quote of the Day:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis

Temet nosce.

Will-o'-the-Wisp in the Soul

God...I just feel so alone and helpless.
I know you are there...that there is a reason and time...but that doesn't drive the fear away.

It is scary that you care enough to let me suffer so that I can grow, learn and mature...but does it have to hurt this bad?

Layers and layers and layers
of my soul gets peeled back,
showing the fragile soul below
as wisps of hope push out the bitter.

All my fancy word amount to nothing but a hollow sounding gong...because I am without love...not giving or being willing to accept it.

Father, Father, Father...I love you, even though I don't know how.
I need...you closer than ever before...just close the gap between us tonight.

I have...nothing.
Nothing more.

Just hope I am not suffering alone...that this pain will one day be gone...
*sigh*
Oh well...easy come, easy go...

Letting go...never seemed more appealing than now.
Especially considering how desperately I need to get better...God alone knows how long I will be stuck here if I have to undergo any sort of surgery...

And rumors...It's UM so I'm not surprised...it still just absolutely sucks private business cannot be kept between two people...at the same time, because of the harm I caused...I deserve it. It's not like I was ever worthy of a sterling reputation anyway.

*sigh*

People make life too complicated.
But I can't go in a cave...I'll get too crazy.

I just..want to heal...my mind, body and soul...I don't want to cause more pain or drama...I just want to be healed...and have my heart and soul bandaged and loved...from the process of ripping it went through. I'm not angry and I'm doing what I can to not be bitter...I want what is best for everyone...

But what is best for me?

Winding Down

Fallibility of life reaching out tonight,
fragrance of stagnating hope
all while waiting at this bus stop.

Sounds of crying and decay
all around
and in
consuming and infiltrating.

I can feel the sins of my own excess
crying up from the ground against me,
mixing and matching,
falling in ordered lineup
along nightmares
from long ago.

But what does one do
when one's dreams
become their terror of the night
and what does one do
when the god of self reaches out to embrace?

I am, I am, I am
screams out of purgatory
where the worst possible sentence
is getting everything you ever asked for
with nothing in return.

Freedom in a Hell of your own making,
falling and free
just within the constraints
of your own sick mind.

Freedom, true freedom
bought with blood
of a meek Lamb
and horrifyingly awe-some Lion
one of three
entwined beyond comprehension,
because human meaning.

It is, it is, it is
is what shall be said
and forever spoken of.


These poems, these words
never can they seek to convey
or illustrate
the complexities
and depth of my mind
and the thoughts
and the motives,
all which drive and push me onward.

You, dear reader,
the one reading
and filling in the gaps as it goes
we create this picture together.
Time and space are ignored
and the letters meld together
to form images
and a painting
varying in shades and hues.

The question,
is what do you see?
Does it matter what I meant?
Most of the time I have no,
these words just fall
and fall
and make their place.

Why?
No, not the most important question
but it is one that has driven me
since the chaos broke out.
However, since no one here knows
it'll simply have to be.

Choices, decisions, becomings, directives
and here we lay.

Lies and truth run together
and I look forward to the day
I leave all of this behind,
this soot and ash
and false words of no substance,
placating lies
perpetuating false grace.
My tongue just as guilty
so I point to myself first,
just know it hurts as well.

Yesterday's news, thrown out garbage.
Something, something, something...

Trying to recall a song that I have a small fragment of in my mind...

So let me be the first to say that having an internal infection where if I make the wrong sudden movement it could pop and kill me in a manner of hours is not only awesome but motivational as well!

You know...I can't imagine Hell being much worse than this...feeling abandoned by God and in excruciating pain.
That is my existence.
And my cat won't stop meowing at me.
Did I do something wrong?


I am sorry.
So, so sorry.
=/

Oh dear sweet God I didn't know I could hurt this freaking much.
I just don't know what to do.
I can't move, breath...without agony.
God.
Please.
Something.
Anything.

Quote of the Day:

"I nursed my resentments and disgrace like young plants, watering them, trimming back the dead leaves, making sure they got enough sunlight.

At times like these, I believe, Jesus rolls up his sleeves and smiles roguishly, and thinks, "This is good." He lets me get nice and crazy, until I can't take my own thinking and solutions for one more moment. The next morning, I got on my knees and prayed "Please, please, help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for."

And then I remembered Rule 1: When all else fails follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole."
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 117

"Praise the Lord, all you nations.
Praise him, all you people of the earth.
For he loves us with unfailing love;
the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever.
Praise the Lord!"
-Psalm 117:1-2

This is it?
This is the entire psalm?

Honestly, the absolute last thing that was on my mind when I woke up this morning is "praise the Lord".
The absolute last thing I feel like doing is praising.
Maybe screaming.
Possibly jumping around my room punching and kicking the air out of frustration.
But praise?
No. Not in the least.

Maybe I am just bad at being a theology major but I refuse to do something that is not sincere, that is not an honest expression of my heart.

I am scared, I am bitter, I am terrified, I am in pain...I am full of fear and pain...so no the last thought on my mind is "praise the Lord/great things he hath done" because my first thought was "How bad is it going to be today?" "How painful will the tests be?" "Can't I just lay in bed and fade out of existence?"

I know there are absolutely wonderful and amazing things in life...and that there are flowers, sunshine and kittens...but they don't do a damn thing for me when the only thing I can do is curl up in a ball and cry from being in such pain.

Why are you so far away from me Lord?
Why do you wait so long to come and save me?
How long will you choose to turn a blind eye to your people, to me?
How long must we suffer in this world before you return and bring balance back into this world?

Yes, my sin is great.
I am jaded and bitter, cynical and full of hate...and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for being so weak, so quick to doubt and not believe you alone are worthy of praise...I'm sorry for being such a self-righteous git because it isn't helping me or anyone with dealing with me.

The last thing I ever intended was to get to upset over being in constant pain...but when it feels like every day might possibly be the worst day of my life...it starts to wear on one's soul.

How long?
How long to sing this song?
How long?
Oh, how long?

My throat is raw and I have no more tears to cry.
I'm so full of self I could just be like Jonah and lay here and sulk until I die from exposure. I am patterned after the worst of things here...and supposedly you still love me.

Why do I refuse to forgive and love?
Why do I want to hold onto these worldly nothings?
What can I do besides weep?
I want to be forgiven, I can't carry this burden...this weight on my own.
I'm holding too tight onto nothing that will never last and just cause me more pain.

I want to love you, I want to love you more and I need to be forgiven, I need the peace that can only come from you...I know that with you, we can do this together...I just need help standing back up...because I've fallen down again and am stuck flat on my face...sin and sin.

Where are we going?
Can we rest soon?
I feel faint from thirst and hunger...please keep me safe.
I'm so afraid of the lions that are out and about at night...please keep me safe.

I have nothing, all I am is found in you.
You alone Daddy.

...really?

Apparently some wounds only worsen with time.
Bah...I'm too tired to deal with this or care about this...

I just...yeah.
People.
Humanity.
Am I really all that surprised?

I hate doctors and hospitals.
Nothing is going to come out of this painful and awkward experience...and getting a hold of the doctor afterward is going to prove to be nigh impossible.

I hate needles.
I hate pain.
I'm still hurting from Monday and I'm going to have a few more holes and bruises added to my collection.

Oh well.
Doesn't matter I suppose.
Just another day in my life.
Another round of nausea and pain, another round of pain and asking questions.

Even with my near insanity at times...thankfully things are not worse...I can barely cope as is.

"It's common knowledge that you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."

Why do I still care about something that was never real, much less mattered, in the first place?

Certainly fiction is not worth loosing so much sleep over...

Bah...I hate feeling alone...and isolated...
At least my cat doesn't make me feel judged.
Although because of the medication I think I may finally be sleeping more than he does during the day...

I'm awake...weird sleep and nap.
I wish I had something new to say...but I'm just exhausted and mentally far away...somewhere that I don't know.

I feel so foolish...even a touch of stupid over everything...

I just...oh dear...why do I even bother writing in this thing? Anyone already knows what I am thinking...all the fear, dread, self doubt, self loathing...this, that...at least I had an incredibly encouraging conversation this afternoon that was a God send.

I'm still jittery...nervous...and trying to tell myself that the test is going to be worth the discomfort and pain because they finally may find something this time...but yeah...I'm not really fooling myself. I can fool everyone else as long as I can keep my mouth shut and write about happy things...however I'm too tired to care about making everyone else feel better.

I can't carry that weight nor do I wish to...I'm not a hero or a saint...just Matthew...all the good and bad that comes with it. Maybe one day I'll stop trying to accomplish the impossible...and just be myself. That may serve to not drive as many people away from me all at once...

I feel so...so cold and numb.
I already know these tests will show nothing.
I wish I was stronger so I could just support everyone and still have strength for me...but I feel exhausted and dead and like...it is almost like none of it matters.

I'll go, experience more pain...get no answers...maybe try another doctor or another hospital...this is so frustrating...on top of everything else.

I just...no longer have the desire to put any effort forward right now...I'm going to ache, hurt and fall apart irregardless if there a name for it or not.

Well meaning people are sometimes the most upsetting and aggravating.

It's stupid...but I'm scared.
Even if things were somehow different...I would still be walking on this lonely road alone. We're born and die alone...and time in between is spent in confusion trying to figure out where we are, where we are going and just why exactly...we all feel the way we do.

I have hope.
I don't exactly have peace.
I don't know what will happen.
I can hope and have faith...but love...it is a distant and confusing concept that I am trying to watch and evaluate again...and just come to some conclusion that I can understand...and find solace in.

Time keeps passing and going away.
I have nothing more and nothing less than myself to offer.
Only slight tweaks as the years go on...hopefully they are me becoming a better and more giving person...less angry and malicious...the last thing I want to do is repay pain with pain...because nothing will change that way.

Hope.
Faith.
And the smallest traces of what might be confused for being aspects of love, floating around in this broken and crooked heart of mine.




"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."

Psalm 116

1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave[a] overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

"Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope."

I feel cold and numb this morning all over...it certainly beats the pain I have been in...but I am having trouble stringing thoughts and words together...just...yeah...

Why did I stand so transfixed by the thought of playing music for so long?
That whole band, music, lyric...that thing I tried for years to accomplish before finally just giving up on it? When did I finally give up on that and just decided to move on with life?

I guess that is just moving on with life...and eventually I will get to a point where the whole relationship thing won't even come to mind or really even matter to me...it'll just be a drop in the bucket of events and ideas that have shaped who I am. Even with all the problems I had stemming from it...I don't know if I will even be thinking of it or talking to those in and around it in six months, a year...ten years...it is all that it is.

Things keep changing...keep spinning away from me...and I am just not even sure I know how to breath properly...

The cool mists keep blowing around me, ever changing as they shift here and there not bound by shape or form. They edge along like time, going wherever they go and yet I remain bound to this spot. I am not sure of my name or my place...simply that I am, I was and there is a possibility that I will be.

Nothing...nothing...nothing.


"The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out

I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream

We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now

What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"