It's sad what depresses me and gets me into ruts and to how seriously I contemplate death and the nature of suicide.

This is all just so unnaturally silly and pointless.

I'm not a nihilist, life has meaning but everything people are getting so worked up about is meaningless...

Ecclesiastes is about the only wisdom book in the Bible I bother to constantly reread but the basic message is to love and fear God, do work you love and enjoy marriage.

That is it.

Love God, love people and stay busy.

Nothing else, no other expectations and God that is nice.
Because right now I just don't care.
I'm so sick of everything else and don't want to bother contemplating the absolute absurdity of what this all doesn't mean anymore.

I don't even want hugs or to be seen.
I want enough peace and quiet from the feelings of unexpressed internal agony long, freedom long enough so I can just finish why I'm here so I can lay down and go to sleep.

I want to go Home.
I can't stand being an outcast, this alien with no homeland...I'm a stranger who is only getting more lost and disconnected as the days go on.

Only a handful know of the Lover I speak of, only a few know what it is like to look up and realize you ARE standing in the hand of eternity and that hand loves you and died for you, died and lived again to fix the mistakes you made.

I need to know someone who feels it as deep, feels the agony of sin and know it's been washed away. I need someone to help me that loves Jesus more than they could ever hope to love me...I just need a reminder that despite the drowning feelings...that everything is going to be okay...I'm not the only one insane in this overwhelmingly dull and sane world.

I'm so sick of the hate, of the pain and all this useless trash.

"Midnight" - Blindside

"One day this world will see me at the horizon.
One day from a distant light,
and just before I stand to face my Love
I'll turn around
and with a smile I'll say my goodbyes,
just one last goodbye.
Goodbye."

Not Enough Time, Not for Now, Not for Later

Yeah I'm drunk on fear
and intoxicated with pain.
Trembling hands shaking
from the pending collapse.
I'm addicted to me
hoping for a collage of hope
while smirking the smile of cynicism.

I'm closing the curtain
the one that was torn
and take another handful of pills
as my vision fades back out
and the tremors return
and I return to the subject
that is always about me.

I got a note in the post
saying my old idols
they are getting jealous
and missing me,
wanting to know when
they can come back over for tea.
The golden calf of adultery,
the alcoholism I haven't developed yet
and my prejudicial hate all there
sending out love letters.

I don't sleep anymore
I gave it up
because of life
starting to call me out
on my religious bluffs
and the slight of hand
about my frailness
when it comes to this illness.

I hear the abrasive guitar
and the screams it matches in my soul.
I wanted mainstream success
to be a poet with the ages
and now I don't care.
Let it burn,
let this all burn down
to the sounds of nihilistic glee
that comes with the Knowledge of all knowledge.

I can't breath with the weight
pressing on my lungs
forcing the air out
as a prayer
and I want to be free
so sick of me
so sick of me
as I cry mercy
and for love
oh my Love.

What if I could reach
deep inside
and feel your heartbeat tonight?
Would you feel me,
could you hear my doubt
and feel the fear inside of me?
Would it strike you as funny
to know I'm more terrified
of happiness
than I ever was of this illness?

Burn my lips
and cut my tongue,
just take these words from me
and purify this mind.

Music can't tame the savage beast
barely held in check
right behind my breast bone
as I scream the profane
while clutching to promises
of a blessing
and God,
it is now or never.

The finite is calling out the infinite.
Crush me like an insect
or heal me.
Restore my heart
or blast me into nothingness.
I can't speak of a preference
because I don't care.
I'm too numb to care,
I'm too number to bother
because to me
death is just preferable
because I'll never speak sin,
I'll never break away from You
and never run again.

You see the coward I am
and the fool I've been.
How drunk off of fear
and how intoxicated I am by sin.
My soul is stretched,
too little over too much area
and Lover rescue me.

Save me or end me
it's all the same
from down here
in this hole
below the ground.

"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through,
He unleashed His power at an unknown hour that no one knew.
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns?"

Throwing myself off a bridge to test is healative powers is out of the question so I'll just settle for throwing myself off my bed.

I've got nothing left.
Why are we still here?
I would like to exit stage left.
Can I come Home now, please?

Just one step, one phrase and one word at a time...

Quote of the Day:

"Hope is hope for infinite Hope."
-J.R.R. Tolkien

A Night

It was a beautiful concert.

So much soul, so much spirit, so much power.

As of right now it's being rebroadcast for a second time and supposed to be for the next couple of days:

http://www.youtube.com/U2official

If you can watch this and still not like U2:
1.You are not trying very hard.
2.I think you lack anything that resembles taste.
3.I love you all the same but really now, beauty people! It's beauty!


I can't sleep.
As silly as the right thing may be some days...it's the right thing.
God knows I'm going to miss getting a morning wake up call from my beloved and beautiful Muse, to deliver news and inspire me to new challenges.

I don't know the future and doubt I want to...I don't know where I'm going just that I am going. I'll expire when I do and will fight to do the right thing until my last breath.

I'm trying to figure out who I really am...what it means to be an adult...what it means to be a real man...what responsibility I should have...what it is I'm going to throw myself into.

I only know I really do not know me as well as I thought I did.

God I want to burn with a passion to love and serve, I want to fall madly in love with who You are and with loving people. I'm sick to death of my selfishness and putting myself ahead of actual love.

Breath words of life into my mouth, stretch my heart and mind to the breaking part and just consume me with flames of love.

Show me the reality, the hope and the love that can be found.
If there are words I can speak, may the lovely Muse hear and take heart that hope prevails through the night.

One day I may stop slamming my face into this wall...but why stop while I'm so far behind?

Ah reincarnation...has absolutely nothing to do with my spiritual or religious beliefs but for fun sake here are some things I wish I was either born as or if I get screwed over and sent back I will like to be:

-A rock.
-A grain of sand.
-A teaspoon.
-A droplet of rain.
-A hydrogen atom.
-A philosophical tangent.

Or my personal favorite:
-A Cherry Blossom.

Another day, another night and another day with and for no sleep...I can't get these thoughts...these worries to leave my mind.

Why do I even care at this point?
I just wish I could drown in apathy and be rid of this stupid, useless and broken heart.

God.

Simply pathetic.

Ah...that was quite an unexpected sudden burst of beauty.

"Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight"

Quote of the Day:

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”
-C.S. Lewis

Nice Night

I made brownies for my best friend's birthday and took aforementioned brownies and hung out with him and his wife.

Me and James have been playing through this new game called Borderlands that he got for his birthday. It's an interesting attempt to breath new life into the incredibly tired realm of first person shooters by injecting RPG elements into it (think Fallout 3 except an actual attempt at giving slightly less linear game play with more weapons then you can shake a stick at). I could use more RPG elements and more story...but games these days are tailored fit to a generation that responds to short attention spans that only like shiny things, explosions and shiny explosions.

But it was a fun night.

We ate a good number of the brownies and consumed and unhealthy amount of caffeine.

Sadly we never got around to recording ourselves while we played the game because some absurd stuff occurred.

Many classic lines involving accusations of me drugging the brownies, large amounts of conversation questioning the very nature of reality and James and myself laughing like mad anytime a sufficient enough explosions happened or one of us did something awesome.

It was nice.

Reminded me of the few things I actually enjoy in this area.

But...I can't wait to move.
I'll miss the few friends I'm still on really good terms with...but I feel more exciting things are yet to come.


I've been reading through "Jesus Loves You This I Know" which was coauthored by Craig Gross, founder of xxxchurch.com ministries, and God this book is so exciting!

It reminds me why I was called to ministry...to go to the gutter and tell people Jesus loves them regardless of their past or present...we aren't called to be perfect before we are loved...instead we are called to be transformed by His love and power.

I want to get into the gutter God has called me to...I want to find this area...with or without friends, past or present.

I'm willing to go...it's just following.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

I'm so sick of being told what we can't do...who we can't go to...I want to find where I'm being called and go. Regardless of my health...I want to be poured out and to empty myself so I can be filled with Love, true everylasting Love.

If I can give myself, surrender myself to this flames and let all this spiritual fat burn away and all this unneeded baggage...I want to go. I want to love everyone, show the 'worst sinner' that they are loved unconditonally by the same Jesus who saved and loves me.

It's going to hut so bad, I'm going to loose everything on this planet...but I don't care anymore. If I can't have Jesus, if I can't go where I'm called then to Hell with all of this anyways. I'm alive now and may be dead soon anyways...what do other things matter? Possessions? Money? Health? Relationships?

God will provide what I need if I just go...but where is it?

Am I on the right path by getting this job, saving up money and checking out schools in California? Should I still keep applying for a ministry internship in Vegas with xxxchurch? Where do I go from here Father? Show me! Please!

I'm so sick of me and I'm so in need of You!
Please...show me the door and I'll go crashing through it with a freaking bat if I have to...I just need to know.

Please.

Mood = Hitting head on desk + Sigh

God I need a life.

Pain.

Hooray.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll learn whatever lesson it is I am supposed to from this...shall we say...proverbial Hell and I will wake up tomorrow a new man!

Or maybe as a rutabaga plant!

I would take being a rutabaga over me anyday.

At least rutabagas are not known to offend people, hurt their feelings, be rude to them, be in any real substantial relationship and in general have a great non-nerve and non-feeling time!

Hooray!

*sigh*

Silent Moonlight

I don't know when we'll see
I don't know when we can meet again
I don't know when the music will start
just so we can slow dance once more.

I just know the loneliness of silence
ringing in a house
that never could be a home
as I wait for insight
that might never come.

Sparks of light flicker through the air
as moonlight dies as clouds pass by
and there is no song
no music to free
nothing to remind of why we came to be.

I'm not asking for blood
and I'm not giving my angst
I just want to know
if all this worth it.
If the pain, the tears
and dull ache
are setting you free.
I need to know
if my sacrifice
will give you clearance
and freedom to fly.

I bite my tongue,
not to hold back venom
but to set you free
to give you wings
and blessings from above
as I ache to understand
just where
just how
if any of this matters.
With or without any
any of these cares
or matters or dreams
I bid you well
and a good night.

I retire to my cave
the dwelling I made
and know not what to hope for.
A return of status quo
or for redemption.
I falter in breath
and in sight.

All that I know,
is I wish simply to go Home.

Quote of the Day:

"I realized that it was not by wisdom that poets write their poetry, but by a kind of nature or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets; for these also say many beautiful things, but do not know anything of what they say."
-Socrates

"Looking for to save my, save my soul
Looking in the places where no flowers grow
Looking for to fill that God shaped hole"

I'm so freaking sick of drama that I'm seriously considering just nuking my facebook and myspace pages and being rid of all of this...very few worthwhile things have even come of them...

Well...it's not like I've ever liked or enjoyed sleep...