Not Enough Time, Not for Now, Not for Later

Yeah I'm drunk on fear
and intoxicated with pain.
Trembling hands shaking
from the pending collapse.
I'm addicted to me
hoping for a collage of hope
while smirking the smile of cynicism.

I'm closing the curtain
the one that was torn
and take another handful of pills
as my vision fades back out
and the tremors return
and I return to the subject
that is always about me.

I got a note in the post
saying my old idols
they are getting jealous
and missing me,
wanting to know when
they can come back over for tea.
The golden calf of adultery,
the alcoholism I haven't developed yet
and my prejudicial hate all there
sending out love letters.

I don't sleep anymore
I gave it up
because of life
starting to call me out
on my religious bluffs
and the slight of hand
about my frailness
when it comes to this illness.

I hear the abrasive guitar
and the screams it matches in my soul.
I wanted mainstream success
to be a poet with the ages
and now I don't care.
Let it burn,
let this all burn down
to the sounds of nihilistic glee
that comes with the Knowledge of all knowledge.

I can't breath with the weight
pressing on my lungs
forcing the air out
as a prayer
and I want to be free
so sick of me
so sick of me
as I cry mercy
and for love
oh my Love.

What if I could reach
deep inside
and feel your heartbeat tonight?
Would you feel me,
could you hear my doubt
and feel the fear inside of me?
Would it strike you as funny
to know I'm more terrified
of happiness
than I ever was of this illness?

Burn my lips
and cut my tongue,
just take these words from me
and purify this mind.

Music can't tame the savage beast
barely held in check
right behind my breast bone
as I scream the profane
while clutching to promises
of a blessing
and God,
it is now or never.

The finite is calling out the infinite.
Crush me like an insect
or heal me.
Restore my heart
or blast me into nothingness.
I can't speak of a preference
because I don't care.
I'm too numb to care,
I'm too number to bother
because to me
death is just preferable
because I'll never speak sin,
I'll never break away from You
and never run again.

You see the coward I am
and the fool I've been.
How drunk off of fear
and how intoxicated I am by sin.
My soul is stretched,
too little over too much area
and Lover rescue me.

Save me or end me
it's all the same
from down here
in this hole
below the ground.