Novel 1 - Apocalypse Forthcoming!
A somewhat irreverent comedic romp concerning the end of the world. Nathan Peterson is your slightly above average college student who is trying to figure out just what it is he is doing in life...and then destiny throws an Armageddon sized curve ball his way. Setting off across country with a more then slight ragtag group of friends and misfits.
Jermius - Life long best friend of Nathan who discover innate powers to manipulate the world around him.
Angelica - A Guardian, divine beings set in charge of preventing to the end, who is assigned to aide Nathan in his quest.
Todd Manning - A man who does not understand subtly and has more arrogance then skill. He is sent as a representative of a mysterious group who may aid Nathan.
Jillian - A lady who works at local coffee shop that Nathan has had a long term crush on. By an ironic jest of fate she is also a chosen one.
Douglas - A friend who awakes Nathan in the middle night, claiming that he has had a vision concerning the end.
Nihilism R' Us - A philanthropically, philosophically and social conscious band that have no idea what they believe but end up helping the heroes.
Will they prevent the end or just end up making it worse?
Novel 2 - Service With A Smile
Nelvin is a vastly introverted individual who works for a large company in the sales department. He hates his job and does not mesh well with his coworkers. To make matters worse he has been visited by those he refers to as 'the shadows' ever since he was a child.
What are these hallucinations? Are they real or just the product of a sick mind? What does it take to move one man from the confines of comforting misery to living life?
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Personal Upgrade
Broken or not, things are not the same.
To over analyze is almost as bad
as having to hear the thoughts,
the breathing on my neck or the proselytizing.
It's not like I can't make up my own mind
or I am somehow unable to think for myself.
It's not like you are somehow more
or somehow the next better version of me.
Really it's just okay to know you,
really you might be more then alright
but definitely maybe not better then most.
The looks you give make my stomach curl
and you never know what is left much less right.
So please keep still your heart and voice,
just long enough for my head to stop
pounding.
To over analyze is almost as bad
as having to hear the thoughts,
the breathing on my neck or the proselytizing.
It's not like I can't make up my own mind
or I am somehow unable to think for myself.
It's not like you are somehow more
or somehow the next better version of me.
Really it's just okay to know you,
really you might be more then alright
but definitely maybe not better then most.
The looks you give make my stomach curl
and you never know what is left much less right.
So please keep still your heart and voice,
just long enough for my head to stop
pounding.
Day 6
"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?"
-Psalm 6:2-3
I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!
Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.
I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?
Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.
You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.
-Psalm 6:2-3
I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!
Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.
I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?
Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.
You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Traverse Dirt
My soul is dirty,
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.
Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.
The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.
The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.
A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.
Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.
Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.
Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.
The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.
The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.
A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.
Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.
Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?
Day 5
"Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help."
-Psalm 5:1
I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.
Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.
There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.
Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.
I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.
I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.
Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.
-Psalm 5:1
I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.
Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.
There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.
Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.
I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.
I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.
Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.
Okay...as to why I'm irrationally freaking out...there is no reason...it is a phone call and phones do not bite...I am in actual pain so there is no need to freak and go batty. Anyone who does not understand is crazier then me anyways so ultimately everything will be okay.
And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.
And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Day 3
"But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high."
-Psalm 3:3
The last thing I think of you as a shield. My initial thoughts are that I need to do something to get something from you. That if I am nice enough, kind enough and caring enough then you will make me happy. Like there is some kind of magical 'happy' button that could be pushed.
Unless I'm just missing things you want to hold me enough and be equal in our love, you want to protect me, keep me safe, encourage me and hold me tightly.
It's not enough that I want to do better or to succeed, my being longs for you. The hollow emptiness that i keep trying to feel is just that, a gnawing longing for belonging and security. I run in circles because I'm used to this track but you are so much bigger then I give you credit for, then I realize as I even try to write to you.
Please lift me up onto this rock, this high place and hold me closer still. Help me to stop acting so silly and instead help me to simply be yours and you be mine, forever. However that looks like and however painful it may be you are my beginning and my end.
-Psalm 3:3
The last thing I think of you as a shield. My initial thoughts are that I need to do something to get something from you. That if I am nice enough, kind enough and caring enough then you will make me happy. Like there is some kind of magical 'happy' button that could be pushed.
Unless I'm just missing things you want to hold me enough and be equal in our love, you want to protect me, keep me safe, encourage me and hold me tightly.
It's not enough that I want to do better or to succeed, my being longs for you. The hollow emptiness that i keep trying to feel is just that, a gnawing longing for belonging and security. I run in circles because I'm used to this track but you are so much bigger then I give you credit for, then I realize as I even try to write to you.
Please lift me up onto this rock, this high place and hold me closer still. Help me to stop acting so silly and instead help me to simply be yours and you be mine, forever. However that looks like and however painful it may be you are my beginning and my end.
The Ever Increasing Preasure to Perform As a Star
The dark is where I dwell,
the light is to much for me.
I am to much for words.
Every small aspect of light is more then I can stand.
Every bursting ray,
every false pretense,
every supposed half truth is more then I can bare.
It's in the cold stale darkness I live.
The sterile environment in which the nothing claims.
I hold onto nothing because I cannot hold onto you.
Blind, deaf and dumb.
Only fools live down here.
Absolute only in our effort to die.
I can open myself up to your influence
and
then we move close just for a moment.
Shreds of hope almost as bitter as the dull pain.
I am inspired to run and scream.
My fingers can't grip because of the cold numb.
I grasp and stumble and fall forward,
face first into this bitter grating rust.
Your lips move and I don't hear.
Half thoughts concocted into lies.
If I heard I would never believe.
If you ran to my side I would never see you.
If I felt the cold metal sliding across the flesh,
along the veins, I would only dream.
But all in dreams, all in this living slumber I look for you.
I rip my flesh open while crawling across the broken shards,
crimson puddles under my broken form.
I've embarrassed myself again.
Oh deary, I broke character again.
I forgot the mask.
The blood across my face isn't very pretty.
I forgot I was supposed to live inside a sterile lie.
Don the cheerful grin of a drugged sheep.
Oh dear, I guess this means I am alone.
I am resolute as I hold tightly to you.
Look in my eyes and know this is truth.
See past the red mess and see my soul.
Know the things you would rather ignore.
Know the truth you could never be, feel or see.
Look and see this stark naked pain you hate.
See this bastard child that makes you feel shame.
Look in you mirror and drink in your own hypocrisy,
before you hurt another child.
The dirt between us is nothing more then bare shades,
disguises we hold up so we can stand one another.
Don't forget your masks.
Don your masks.
Wear your porcelain facade so you can hide from yourself.
I wear my own selfish blood because I'm afraid of His.
If I did not,
did not run,
did not hide,
did not become
a mere shade
of the person
the disguise
that I long
for me to be,
then we might could have been.
I almost miss the sun.
I almost miss the clouds.
I almost miss hearing your words
and seeing your smile.
There was a grassy hill with a swing.
We sat there and rocked back and forth.
It was just you and I,
people walked pass and never knew our love.
But, I saw to you and you cradle me.
I miss the fresh air of your breath blowing across,
and inside of me.
The pure gift of your love.
the light is to much for me.
I am to much for words.
Every small aspect of light is more then I can stand.
Every bursting ray,
every false pretense,
every supposed half truth is more then I can bare.
It's in the cold stale darkness I live.
The sterile environment in which the nothing claims.
I hold onto nothing because I cannot hold onto you.
Blind, deaf and dumb.
Only fools live down here.
Absolute only in our effort to die.
I can open myself up to your influence
and
then we move close just for a moment.
Shreds of hope almost as bitter as the dull pain.
I am inspired to run and scream.
My fingers can't grip because of the cold numb.
I grasp and stumble and fall forward,
face first into this bitter grating rust.
Your lips move and I don't hear.
Half thoughts concocted into lies.
If I heard I would never believe.
If you ran to my side I would never see you.
If I felt the cold metal sliding across the flesh,
along the veins, I would only dream.
But all in dreams, all in this living slumber I look for you.
I rip my flesh open while crawling across the broken shards,
crimson puddles under my broken form.
I've embarrassed myself again.
Oh deary, I broke character again.
I forgot the mask.
The blood across my face isn't very pretty.
I forgot I was supposed to live inside a sterile lie.
Don the cheerful grin of a drugged sheep.
Oh dear, I guess this means I am alone.
I am resolute as I hold tightly to you.
Look in my eyes and know this is truth.
See past the red mess and see my soul.
Know the things you would rather ignore.
Know the truth you could never be, feel or see.
Look and see this stark naked pain you hate.
See this bastard child that makes you feel shame.
Look in you mirror and drink in your own hypocrisy,
before you hurt another child.
The dirt between us is nothing more then bare shades,
disguises we hold up so we can stand one another.
Don't forget your masks.
Don your masks.
Wear your porcelain facade so you can hide from yourself.
I wear my own selfish blood because I'm afraid of His.
If I did not,
did not run,
did not hide,
did not become
a mere shade
of the person
the disguise
that I long
for me to be,
then we might could have been.
I almost miss the sun.
I almost miss the clouds.
I almost miss hearing your words
and seeing your smile.
There was a grassy hill with a swing.
We sat there and rocked back and forth.
It was just you and I,
people walked pass and never knew our love.
But, I saw to you and you cradle me.
I miss the fresh air of your breath blowing across,
and inside of me.
The pure gift of your love.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
For Now and For Today
Sometimes I do not know the monster I can be.
I look but do not see.
I listen but do not hear.
So many flaws represented in a single breath.
Thy words do sting but easily flow,
unwind and bathe in pools of sincere regret.
But, it is to late because of sin.
Too late now and to late to see.
Good bye and goodnight.
For now and for today.
Goodnight,
Goodbye.
I look but do not see.
I listen but do not hear.
So many flaws represented in a single breath.
Thy words do sting but easily flow,
unwind and bathe in pools of sincere regret.
But, it is to late because of sin.
Too late now and to late to see.
Good bye and goodnight.
For now and for today.
Goodnight,
Goodbye.
Day 2
"Serve the Lord with reverent fear, and rejoice with trembling."
-Psalm 2:11
Reverence and rejoicing and somewhere in between is supposed to be joy.
I'm afraid of trite words falling out of my mouth before I can get a hold of them but what I need is you. I do not need this fear of looking stupid, this prejudice against Christians, this self righteous foolishness and this pig headed belief that I am somehow better then my brethren and better then you.
Please forgive me for not having enough respect to fear you and your name. Your are a close and personal lover but one with an unrestrained passion and wild untamable strength.
Please remind me of how personal, how close you are but how awesome and amazing you are in our personal love and our walk together. Please forgive me for taking you for granted and betraying you with my life.
I love you, I need you more then I realize.
Thank you.
-Psalm 2:11
Reverence and rejoicing and somewhere in between is supposed to be joy.
I'm afraid of trite words falling out of my mouth before I can get a hold of them but what I need is you. I do not need this fear of looking stupid, this prejudice against Christians, this self righteous foolishness and this pig headed belief that I am somehow better then my brethren and better then you.
Please forgive me for not having enough respect to fear you and your name. Your are a close and personal lover but one with an unrestrained passion and wild untamable strength.
Please remind me of how personal, how close you are but how awesome and amazing you are in our personal love and our walk together. Please forgive me for taking you for granted and betraying you with my life.
I love you, I need you more then I realize.
Thank you.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Day 1
"Oh,the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers."
-Psalm 1:1
Joy seems to be so fleeting, I know it is supposed to be this lasting uplifting thing but at the end of the day the world seems more darker then lighter.
My body, my flesh, my being demands and desires so much that is screwed up...it's just like my spirit is screaming for help while in this body. It screams for help because of fears of being tainted by this condition but that is all wrong.
You made both body and spirit and both are good. All the evil can be summed up in overindulgence and abusing your body because of addiction.
I would like to find genuine joy and peace in and with you. I would love to be wrapped in your arms and held tightly, reminded that I am okay the way I am, that you do not hate me for who I am, that you love me, honestly love me more then I can understand.
-Psalm 1:1
Joy seems to be so fleeting, I know it is supposed to be this lasting uplifting thing but at the end of the day the world seems more darker then lighter.
My body, my flesh, my being demands and desires so much that is screwed up...it's just like my spirit is screaming for help while in this body. It screams for help because of fears of being tainted by this condition but that is all wrong.
You made both body and spirit and both are good. All the evil can be summed up in overindulgence and abusing your body because of addiction.
I would like to find genuine joy and peace in and with you. I would love to be wrapped in your arms and held tightly, reminded that I am okay the way I am, that you do not hate me for who I am, that you love me, honestly love me more then I can understand.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Dissimulated Assimilation
Sometimes I cannot sincerely believes the lies you explicate.
The only one I can hate for this is me.
The little piece of peace of mind you promised was The Fake,
that I should have seen emblazoned as your banner.
You are the reason my tongue is tied into riddles.
My mirror image is the venom that drips from your lips
and the fables tightly clutched inside my bleeding heart.
I see in visions of red crossed with an indigo tinted spectrum of hate.
Everything I ever wanted to hate can be found inside your mind.
This useless word, the lame legs, the broken arm and the trite mind.
I use to beg for nothing to envelop me
to hide me carefully from your sight.
Closed under lock and key, tightly away from being.
Nothing in being closer to you is believing then being closer to you.
Instead I open myself up for this abuse.
I cast down the defense and invite you to meet.
To feast on the remainder of my heart and let you fester in it with hate.
The safety net of my pretending soul is all I need to be.
I can wish and pray equally much but know what you hate.
I know the broken path you stalk down and those you feed off of.
I pushed many lost victims into your open jaws,
just so we could laugh at their frightened facade.
Fallen and putrid beast in the false image of light.
I knew your secret one and all from when we first met.
The day you took my hand and whispered your first lies.
The only person I deceived was me.
Burning in your self adoration I have to say I want to love you.
Just like you whisper lies to the beast and his whore,
I want to crucify myself just to feel the bleed.
So you will give me more of this ill got gain.
I'm addicted to the sacrifice of self and your pretend plaything called love.
Where would I be without you?
A trite meaning with purpose and love is what.
I tried to sacrifice it all so I could have nothing I ever wanted,
just to be caught up in this hyper inflated lie I love to hold.
The only one I can hate for this is me.
The little piece of peace of mind you promised was The Fake,
that I should have seen emblazoned as your banner.
You are the reason my tongue is tied into riddles.
My mirror image is the venom that drips from your lips
and the fables tightly clutched inside my bleeding heart.
I see in visions of red crossed with an indigo tinted spectrum of hate.
Everything I ever wanted to hate can be found inside your mind.
This useless word, the lame legs, the broken arm and the trite mind.
I use to beg for nothing to envelop me
to hide me carefully from your sight.
Closed under lock and key, tightly away from being.
Nothing in being closer to you is believing then being closer to you.
Instead I open myself up for this abuse.
I cast down the defense and invite you to meet.
To feast on the remainder of my heart and let you fester in it with hate.
The safety net of my pretending soul is all I need to be.
I can wish and pray equally much but know what you hate.
I know the broken path you stalk down and those you feed off of.
I pushed many lost victims into your open jaws,
just so we could laugh at their frightened facade.
Fallen and putrid beast in the false image of light.
I knew your secret one and all from when we first met.
The day you took my hand and whispered your first lies.
The only person I deceived was me.
Burning in your self adoration I have to say I want to love you.
Just like you whisper lies to the beast and his whore,
I want to crucify myself just to feel the bleed.
So you will give me more of this ill got gain.
I'm addicted to the sacrifice of self and your pretend plaything called love.
Where would I be without you?
A trite meaning with purpose and love is what.
I tried to sacrifice it all so I could have nothing I ever wanted,
just to be caught up in this hyper inflated lie I love to hold.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Epic Rick Roll
━━━━━━━━━ ┏┓
┏┫ ┏┓ ┏┓ ┣┓ ┃┃
┗┫ ┃ ┣┛ ┏━━┻┃
┃ ┗━━━┛ ┃ ┣━━ ┃
┗━━━┳━━━┛ ┣━━ ┃
┏━━▇▇▇━━━━━┻━━━┛
Epic Rick Roll!
Thank you James. ^_^
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
