Blithering Waste of Space

...why do some people depend on me?
I would rather just...hide than have to touch that pain.

Jesus I'm so freaking sick of being a hypocrite...being paralyzed by my fear and the fact that being able to do ministry means having to rip my heart open so I can be healed.

I have so many thoughts and theories that I am lost...so lost and I do not know my right hand from my left...I don't know what is wrong or even right...I want...I NEED to know what matters...what is good, what is true...what is worth fighting and living for.

I have so many vague sketches about what You want me to do...everything around feels so fleeting and fading...how can I do anything of worth? How can I be of any impact when the languages being spoke are so foreign to me?

Thinking I was ever meant to be a minister...or a husband or a father...just feels so stupid. I can't even be a good boyfriend or a theology student...I've failed and screwed so much up with people...how many people have I shoved further from You because of my worthless tongue and my inability to articulate emotion?

It feels like living in a vacuum alone is preferable to a life of constant fear of speaking because of fear of people...fear of me...but mostly a fear of You.

I'm sick of being apathetic towards those who depend on me for some reason...I love my pithy sayings...oh how I love my philosophical quotes that garner me attention...I've done nothing but worn the cross as a merit badge to get what I have wanted...no wonder I have been wandering in this wilderness for so long.

I want to swear, I want to scream to the heavens to get you to hear me...I want to beat these cinder blocks with my fists until they are a bloody mess...I feel such anguish and outrage in my soul when I look at the church...and when I look at myself.

How did we...how did *I* get so far away from simple love of You, others and ourselves?

I have all this wasteful energy to spend...that I try to spend on myself...and so what? For what? What good? What beauty comes of this disgusting heart and mind that only craves death and sin?

I have hope...stupid hope of seeing things through with people...of maybe seeing some sort of future materialize our of thin air...but it is stupid and childish dreams that will never be.

The reality feels...it seems like I will never be able to function as the other half of any sort of relationship...platonic or otherwise...I cannot even master the basic steps of loving You...how can I deal with someone that will destroy my heart again and again?

Why do I always want to run?
By what stupid means do I stand here now?
Is it by faith...or hope or even love?
Or is it pure stupidity...too foolish to move?

I'm afraid You...or you...might start to see me as the fraud I am. That I have always been afraid of being...I'm frightened of emulating the failures of my father...

I'm human...I get that point...I keep trying but I'm human and I will continue to screw up until I die...I'm disgusted with every portion of my body that is flesh and the infestation of disease and sin that is rotting me from the inside out...

I just...need to feel Your love and peace...anything else is...just dust...all things and all people...

Quote of the Day:

"Peace of heart that is won by refusing to bear the common yoke of human sympathy is a peace unworthy of a Christian. To seek tranquility by stopping our ears to the cries of human pain is to make ourselves not Christian but a kind of degenerate stoic having no relation either to stoicism or Christianity."
-A.W. Tozer

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

*sigh*

Sometimes I really do not like myself...and wish I could just leave it all behind...

Okay...I think my body is done freaking out for now.
Now...to be productive.

Thoughts...thoughts...

Peace...such beautiful peace.
=)

At the least I no longer am having Cymbalta withdrawals.
Hooray.

On the down side I really hate my schools inability to manage money.

We Christians are such a silly lot.

These Frail Hands

Whispers cloud my soul.
Tangents, broken thoughts, half phrased lies...nearly a quarter of a century of life runs through my mind at any given point...portraits of a past I mostly wish I could leave behind.

It feels like weakness to admit to how much...hurt is there.
But there reaches a point where talking about it does nothing but fuel the pain itself...it goes from an acknowledgment of insecurity and fear and pours directly into the 'how' and 'why' I despise myself the most of all humans.

Perfect Love drives out all fear...
I have seen it and felt it on a cosmic scale...beyond my own comprehension...I have seen only the merest fraction of what Love is and it is enough to destroy me if that tempest would not have been held back.

There are only a handful of people who actually make me speechless and can shut me up long enough for me to realize how often I speak just to be heard.
One of them is Divine and the other is a mystery that I worry I'll frighten off if I continue to act as myself.

I suppose being human...being alive...none of this was going to be easy...

The best thing I can do at any given time is just keep myself busy so I will stop trying to reassemble most of my life...I am not just trying to remember but I am looking for a reason to stop trying.

I never realized how easy it is to create circular tangents that only lead to more pain and confusion.

That is one reason I need a steady group of support (Magically refereed to as being a 'Church' in another time and place) is to keep me from being a danger to myself...if I can keep myself busy with projects and helping people...then I can stop chasing demons that may have never been there.

Or maybe I have this all backwards...

I honestly am not sure.
Life is getting better than it has ever been...is it just fears of being a failure? Or my inability to trust my Love to deliver me from these things?



Beauty has stolen my soul...my heart...that is something no human being has understood...I can't control this...I do not want to. I feel more assured of my Love and less of the inadequate terms we throw around...I never wanted symbols...I want to real thing...pure grace driven love that removes everything broken and impure...and replaces it with Love.

I want to become something beautiful...something I have never been.
I want to become more than this broken body and soul could ever be on their own...I need to be redeemed and brought back up out of this hole I have fallen in again.

I can't stand the shallow bastard son I am...I hate calling myself a Christian because I am anything but a reflection of Jesus. I am just this selfish and sickly jerk who can't even stay healthy long enough to...

It's not just feelings, emotions, doubt, fear, anxiety...it's not just THESE things, there is so much more that exists beyond this fragile glass life we try to cling to so desperately.

There is a part of me that wants to gather every fragment of my life, every memory, every paper and receipt...take them all and start a fire to burn away every last remnant of whoever 'Matt Pike' is. I'm not sure I ever knew him and I can't promise I would actually like him should we meet one day.

There are so many tangents just in trying to write about writing about thinking...so many people playing roles...I even typecast Jesus as being someone He is not...how can I have stable friendships or that stupid notion of...?

There is hope, beauty, love...such abstract terms finding absolute meaning only in the chief sins of our depraved behaviors to one another. It's only in taking Light to the absolute darkest areas can we see what Jesus meant when He talked about praying for those who hate us, loving others as much as we bother to love ourselves...

So conflicted, so convoluted...but oh so beautiful.
I never knew the Light was so beautiful until I could see the stars adrift in the sky from this living Hell of bad health.



"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way
When crippling anguish clouds our sight
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth
Set their claws to bring the night
Hold on, hold tight
Darkness can’t perceive the light
Though lightlessness has chilled us numb
And though its wings may cloud the skies
The dark shall never overcome
Light of the World
Your love has never failed

And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
I need Your love
And most of all I want to feel Your peace
I need Your love
Let everything that You are not decrease"

Oh never let me forget where I have been...
Never let me forget the depths to which I have fallen but remember always that You have rescued me from.

Why did I just spend a half hour crafting a new song list for studying?
Ack...my brain is all over the place.

I have so many tangents floating about...so many I wish to pin on the wall so I can address them!

"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so!"

And there is...that as well.
Yes...that....

Okay wow...brain melted.
Heh...smiles and such.
Need to read more.
Want to rest alot.

Music...music.

I need to write on Biblical interpretation...so many thoughts on the theories flying around in my mind...

Ack...textual criticism...

Hmm...

...hmm...

...hmm.

Yes?

^_^

Quote of the Day:

“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.”
-Charlie Brown

Tis true that this is all vain...a blowing of dust in the wind.
But I aim to at least be as productive...and try as much as I may in this finite sandbox.

Letting Go

One of my chief quirks is my inability to let people, ideas, issues and things go...even when I have exhausted every avenue and have done everything in my power...I still worry and let things fester and drive me crazy.

I do not know how to stop worrying and let go.

I think that is such an incidental reference pointing to some deeper issues.

I want control because I want to be God.
I want to know every sordid detail because I want to be God.
I feel that if I have exhaustive knowledge of what is causing the hurt then I can fix it and I will be God.

I have pride issues.
A messiah complex as well.

Somethings were not delivered in Revelation for a good reason...
...my heart and soul ache enough as is...would more really make me happy?

It would not.
It would simply give me 'permission' to stay in this hole of depression and anxiety. The more I stay stationary the worst this all becomes.

The more I breath and see the sunlight...the easier it is for me to see the things in life that are worthwhile...

I just have so much pride.
As if I could actually fix things and help people...

The clay is becoming a bit unruly again and is starting to backtalk to the potter. It's been doing that ever since someone tried to convert me to Calvinistic thought by saying I had no right to dare question or challenge God on anything.

It is a mere flea shaking its antenna at the full force of a hurricane...but the conviction in my heart is to press forward, ask questions, demand justice and help...anything less would be denying who I am.

But the problem is leaving things with God.
Issues, people, hurt, worry...and not trying to fix things.
The more I fix the worst things become.

Being willing...being able...trying...all worthwhile.
Unless I just make things worse in the trying.
Faraway...so close.

It's an abrupt wake up...jarring truth with all this reasonably unreasoned...

Things should be...could be...might be switched around and inverted in tangents that never made sense outside of this mind and context.

I...

It's all baffling.
Confusing and so full of circles

Life oh life.

I have no real response except this automated message
which isn't coming in as clear as before.
It's all being dissimulated
and falling apart
because of this cryptic manner
in which it was raised.

There is a visible contradiction in my mind and that is all I can really say.
I worry too much and hope too far in the non-consequential.
It is so easy to make things about things it never was about...
Could be...could not...should and should not.

I have no answers that can be understood apart from the heart.
I have hope.
I wear it on my sleeve next to my heart.
I keep trying to figure out how to get them to stay in
but they always seem to tumble out at the most inopportune times.

Nothing...something...everything...repetition.

Faith...hope...love.
The only things that matter and yet make so little sense because they exist as a paradox that flies in the face of reason and every fact of us being alive.

Wow.

...wow.

Quote of the day:

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and that I'm therefore excused from saving the universe."
-Ford Prefect

Watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics is...strangely inspiring, considering how little I typically care about sports.

There are an infinite number of possibilities mixed with a finite number of improbabilities.

I am not so sure about that...in hindsight or foresight really.

I have questions brewing...so many questions and ideas about what to do...

What I can never sort out is which is me and which is You?

I really do not want to stumble off into doing the right thing for the wrong reason or what simply is wrong...

How can I get back to having a child like faith?
The kind I had in high school where I was teaching and preaching multiple times during the week? I don't want the past...I just...miss serving, I miss the multiple gigs a week where we tried to share Your love.

It simply feels like I'm adrift.
There is more...but I don't feel anyone can really understand it...

I had plans.
Then the plans exploded.
I got new plans.
Then those plans exploded as well.
Tentatively, I am planning on making plans but to be honest I'm not sure how that will end up.

"Wilderness" - The O.C. Supertones

Finished the first season of "Lost" oh my goodness...so freaking intense. >_<
Started watching the first episode of the second season but I'm approaching burn out with the sheer amount of stress I can handle right now.

I have all this to blame on you.
=P

Quote of the Day:

"Do the truth quietly without display."
— Brennan Manning

"I want neither a terrorist spirituality that keeps me in a perpetual state of fright about being in right relationship with my heavenly Father nor a sappy spirituality that portrays God as such a benign teddy bear that there is no aberrant behavior or desire of mine that he will not condone. I want a relationship with the Abba of Jesus, who is infinitely compassionate with my brokenness and at the same time an awesome, incomprehensible, and unwieldy Mystery."
— Brennan Manning

It really feels...and seems like we're all running from or towards something at all times...do we really ever stop to breath? To gaze in wonder at the lengths we have traveled? The pains we have overcomed?

In so many ways...we shouldn't be here.
Shouldn't even have survived and lived this long...
But...grace...providence...

Since we're here...

It is more beautiful, more confusing, more convoluted, more painful, more wonderful than I can ever put into words.

I really should stop.

"Anthem" - Tree63

Tired With a Touch of Hope

So as fun as pain isn't...I feel as though I might have a bit of a better perspective with suffering.

I'm okay with everything and nothing happening...I'm on the process of learning more and how and such...it's not easy and even if I have to endure even more I will.

I have hope about a handful of things...but they aren't my salvation...they won't make me joyful...they will just be nice things to have along the way.

But...as I have been learning...if I need to I can and will do without.

Such intoxicating...such unstoppable hope...

Quote of the Day:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past."
— Anne Lamott

I'm not a fan of this...uncertainty but at this point...I have no other choice.

Faith...belief...trust...such novel and high concepts until you are forced to depend upon them with your life. Then they just tend to suck at times...but still be good and worthwhile...just it's hard at times.

Difficult...but not impossible...

Stress...stress...stress...productive stress despite other factors, fun factors though.

And stuff.

Such stuff.

And other stuff.

Stuff again.

I'm such a dork. ^_^

Prayers feel insufficient right now...but what more can I do?
I'm frustrated by my inability to act...to serve...to take away the pain of others...Jesus Christ, what more can I do?

Will it take drawing a circle and refusing to budge to make you move?
I don't enjoy being one of your most belligerent children...but my soul is screaming out at seeing the pain...

...I suppose I had gone too long without sticking my foot in my mouth.

Fleeting Rain Drops

Peacefulness flows like a river,
arching from your mind
and passed through the soul
as I lay here thinking...wondering...hoping...

Everything that is and will be
is but dust,
bits and pieces
of the general mish mash
just coming together
as we're all coming apart
and just wondering,
where You are?

Close enough to feel
but far enough to hurt,
it's like we have this dance
for just the two of us.

Every passing minute
and every fleeting second
is another without
and while wanting.

Such silly notions
and thoughts that captured my mind
as I wander about in wonder
of this endless...abundant beauty,
commonly called grace.

It's not that nice guys finish last, it's just we're the only ones stupid enough to get up at one AM to listen to someone talk about something that we have no idea what is what about...

Hmm...is there a way to make that sound less cynical?

Mayhaps.

But it's early.

And it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. =P

Another Thing on Pain...

There is a lot of positive.
Suffering leads to the impossible...
I hate saying that because it means once again that Jesus is right and I tend to be a whiny crybaby...but things are this way...the way they are could not be different...anything else is the denial of reality as we see it.

It's easy to sit on this perch and complain about the pain because it is easy...the most difficult thing however...is making myself breath and then, despite the pain, push forward into the task of loving.

God, other and myself...one must not forget to truly love themselves...otherwise they cannot love God or others.

I hate pretending to be strong...it feels like I'm lying...but otherwise I would be causing those who do care about me to worry even more than they do...and everyone reaches a limit of where they simply cannot take or deal with anymore stress.

Besides, maybe if I lie about how my health is enough my body will start to believe it and I can magically "Try feeling better" and it will work.

The loud noises, the screams and terrible music...it reminds me of being in the hotel room in China, sick with dysentery. I was on the fifth floor I think...and across the street was the shop that played this terrible techno CD from about 8am until around 6pm. It was about fifteen tracks I had memorized by the third day of my sickness.

I would wake up from my fever humming the bar it was on.
I had my portable CD player and listened to stuff like Brave Saint Saturn, dc Talk, Five Iron Frenzy and Blindside...but the loud abrasive music didn't exactly help my headache...

I guess I say that just to be able to say...sometimes life simply sucks. And it can always be worse...I have most of my heath...I just feel nauseated and have a really bad migraine...it could be worse.

I have those I love and who love me...and the One who is Love...even when I am hurting...there is peace and hope I cannot deny.

I want to be healed and whole...but maybe that is not my destiny...if by suffering I become more like Christ...I become more understanding of pain and can help those who suffer...maybe this isn't all just pointless.

Certainly I wish someone else would make the sacrifice...but who will?
Maybe...just maybe all these dreams may start to become real...and I could help someone...

I'm never going to get use to the nausea...and on top of it...the idiots are still yelling about the game that ended three hours ago.
I really do not like sports...

In the good news realm...I think I may have my thesis paper topic: "Kierkegaard's View of the True Relation of the Christian and of the State"

Could someone please explain to me, please tell me what I did to have the gods of poverty, death, social drama and poor health chase me across this world?

Paradiso

Reality is a harsh enough mistress, why must my dreams lend themselves to solidifying the nihilistic horror of being aware to the true purpose of the universe?

I have and will continue the pursuit of truth at the sacrifice of everything...just as I have the first twenty-three years...so is it too much to just want a happy dream from time to time?

Happiness in life is not impossible...just vastly improbable...and for those who are aware, who seek and wish to know how far this rabbit hole goes...there is nothing but an assured life of...

But why get ahead of myself?
Many much more talented and useful people than myself have fallen harder and failed to finish...so who is to say I'll make it to the next mile marker or even the next step before I fall down and quit?

My soul aches for completion...it misses you...it misses things that I never have known and may never see. Is it silly to cast everything on the dreams and longings of a place that may have never been?

...there is hope, solid and hopefully undying hope...it's just the pains and frailties of my health act as this thorn that makes me doubt...that makes me afraid that I am forgotten and that...

I just...wish and hope I can get lost on this past to truth...maybe see the ones I'm looking for while on the way...maybe there will be...

Okay...weird night.
I want this weekend to end already so I can get back to class...so much less confusing >_>

Oh how I can't stand the part of me that is such a fatalist and doubter of all that is good...

Such an odd and exhausting night...

"But if you can't close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine

Be still my heart, I hear your back cracking
It sounds like music to me
I see your face and I can hardly breath
It looks just like a song to me"