Letting Go

One of my chief quirks is my inability to let people, ideas, issues and things go...even when I have exhausted every avenue and have done everything in my power...I still worry and let things fester and drive me crazy.

I do not know how to stop worrying and let go.

I think that is such an incidental reference pointing to some deeper issues.

I want control because I want to be God.
I want to know every sordid detail because I want to be God.
I feel that if I have exhaustive knowledge of what is causing the hurt then I can fix it and I will be God.

I have pride issues.
A messiah complex as well.

Somethings were not delivered in Revelation for a good reason...
...my heart and soul ache enough as is...would more really make me happy?

It would not.
It would simply give me 'permission' to stay in this hole of depression and anxiety. The more I stay stationary the worst this all becomes.

The more I breath and see the sunlight...the easier it is for me to see the things in life that are worthwhile...

I just have so much pride.
As if I could actually fix things and help people...

The clay is becoming a bit unruly again and is starting to backtalk to the potter. It's been doing that ever since someone tried to convert me to Calvinistic thought by saying I had no right to dare question or challenge God on anything.

It is a mere flea shaking its antenna at the full force of a hurricane...but the conviction in my heart is to press forward, ask questions, demand justice and help...anything less would be denying who I am.

But the problem is leaving things with God.
Issues, people, hurt, worry...and not trying to fix things.
The more I fix the worst things become.

Being willing...being able...trying...all worthwhile.
Unless I just make things worse in the trying.
Faraway...so close.