I hate pretending to be strong...it feels like I'm lying...but otherwise I would be causing those who do care about me to worry even more than they do...and everyone reaches a limit of where they simply cannot take or deal with anymore stress.

Besides, maybe if I lie about how my health is enough my body will start to believe it and I can magically "Try feeling better" and it will work.

The loud noises, the screams and terrible music...it reminds me of being in the hotel room in China, sick with dysentery. I was on the fifth floor I think...and across the street was the shop that played this terrible techno CD from about 8am until around 6pm. It was about fifteen tracks I had memorized by the third day of my sickness.

I would wake up from my fever humming the bar it was on.
I had my portable CD player and listened to stuff like Brave Saint Saturn, dc Talk, Five Iron Frenzy and Blindside...but the loud abrasive music didn't exactly help my headache...

I guess I say that just to be able to say...sometimes life simply sucks. And it can always be worse...I have most of my heath...I just feel nauseated and have a really bad migraine...it could be worse.

I have those I love and who love me...and the One who is Love...even when I am hurting...there is peace and hope I cannot deny.

I want to be healed and whole...but maybe that is not my destiny...if by suffering I become more like Christ...I become more understanding of pain and can help those who suffer...maybe this isn't all just pointless.

Certainly I wish someone else would make the sacrifice...but who will?
Maybe...just maybe all these dreams may start to become real...and I could help someone...