Blithering Waste of Space

...why do some people depend on me?
I would rather just...hide than have to touch that pain.

Jesus I'm so freaking sick of being a hypocrite...being paralyzed by my fear and the fact that being able to do ministry means having to rip my heart open so I can be healed.

I have so many thoughts and theories that I am lost...so lost and I do not know my right hand from my left...I don't know what is wrong or even right...I want...I NEED to know what matters...what is good, what is true...what is worth fighting and living for.

I have so many vague sketches about what You want me to do...everything around feels so fleeting and fading...how can I do anything of worth? How can I be of any impact when the languages being spoke are so foreign to me?

Thinking I was ever meant to be a minister...or a husband or a father...just feels so stupid. I can't even be a good boyfriend or a theology student...I've failed and screwed so much up with people...how many people have I shoved further from You because of my worthless tongue and my inability to articulate emotion?

It feels like living in a vacuum alone is preferable to a life of constant fear of speaking because of fear of people...fear of me...but mostly a fear of You.

I'm sick of being apathetic towards those who depend on me for some reason...I love my pithy sayings...oh how I love my philosophical quotes that garner me attention...I've done nothing but worn the cross as a merit badge to get what I have wanted...no wonder I have been wandering in this wilderness for so long.

I want to swear, I want to scream to the heavens to get you to hear me...I want to beat these cinder blocks with my fists until they are a bloody mess...I feel such anguish and outrage in my soul when I look at the church...and when I look at myself.

How did we...how did *I* get so far away from simple love of You, others and ourselves?

I have all this wasteful energy to spend...that I try to spend on myself...and so what? For what? What good? What beauty comes of this disgusting heart and mind that only craves death and sin?

I have hope...stupid hope of seeing things through with people...of maybe seeing some sort of future materialize our of thin air...but it is stupid and childish dreams that will never be.

The reality feels...it seems like I will never be able to function as the other half of any sort of relationship...platonic or otherwise...I cannot even master the basic steps of loving You...how can I deal with someone that will destroy my heart again and again?

Why do I always want to run?
By what stupid means do I stand here now?
Is it by faith...or hope or even love?
Or is it pure stupidity...too foolish to move?

I'm afraid You...or you...might start to see me as the fraud I am. That I have always been afraid of being...I'm frightened of emulating the failures of my father...

I'm human...I get that point...I keep trying but I'm human and I will continue to screw up until I die...I'm disgusted with every portion of my body that is flesh and the infestation of disease and sin that is rotting me from the inside out...

I just...need to feel Your love and peace...anything else is...just dust...all things and all people...