Having people tell me they are praying for sin...it's just...what do I say to something that so devoid of anything that even pretends to resemble logic?

I fear my life is one long tangent spread across a run on sentence.

If I should ever be forced to utilize commas properly I think I might die from the shock of it all.

"Carrying Cathy" - Ben Folds

Because I love all of you so much I feel the need to slap you all collectively in the face with a stupefyingly beautiful song.

Quote of the Day:

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
-Elie Wiesel




If I ever had a tattoo it would be of that quote.

When I stop long enough to take my head from the sand of girl drama, church drama and self hate I shove it in just so I can soothe the dull ache in my soul from not showing real love...I realize how absolutely pathetic this plastic bubble is compared to REAL life.

I think the reason I feel so confused with suffering and being in pain...is because I have bought into the crap that says life is supposed to always be cheerful, playful, I'm going to get what I want and everyone is going to cater to me.

Pain is going to turn me into who I will be in eternity.

The tears I shed on this side of heaven are part of the baptism of fire that living in the real world demands.

Life is horrifying, real life is not plastic, there are no happy endings in the short term...we do not see the resolution we want, instead we feel heart break and pain as we long for something more.

It's hope that life will not disappoint but life will disappoint.

I honestly think the best thing we can do is form community and love each other, hold each other up as best as we can as this world continues to dissolve into greater Hell. But the beauty is that if we just try to intervene, say a prayer and put that love into action...we can't change the world but we can do something so much more important...forever change the life of a person living on this world.

The grace, the Gospel of Christ is for the sick and broken...unless we are broken and brought down low so that are sinful pride is cast to the fires of Hell of which is blossoms...then all Jesus becomes to us is a religious figure we use for making our own religious wars.

Every day I have woke up this week was more confusing than the last...I've reconnected with a few beloved friends...and sort of feel like I may be loosing another. I do not know...I cannot know...I just want you to know I promise to be faithful as a friend. I will be here to talk, to show love and pray for you on every step of the way.

I can love you like I am learning to love myself because it is the grace of Jesus which lifted this broken body and jaded soul out of the pits and is giving me a new song to sing.

I have no doubt I will be back to whining and complaining soon enough...but I promise to move forward so I can live out my love so it can burn in me and overflow so that it may bless you too.

THAT is what true love is.

Loving enough to throw everything away and diving head first into this dark world so that we may be a light to the dying and lost. The sick need their doctor and when we stop to realize we're just as infected as the world is with selfish ambition...we can realize that Jesus came to save the religious hypocrite just as much as the meth addicted prostitute who wants to kill herself.

We're born to love...we have to dear, we cannot stop here if we want to live life.
It is about us as much as it is not...do not give up...the night is dark but never will Your Love forsake you, never will He abandon You...your emotions and desires may fail and deceive you...but you know the Love of which I speak.

Do not give up in this darkness.

"Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope."

"Pre-Ex-Girlfriend" - Five Iron Frenzy

She’s so cool it’s almost erie
she’s so fine I lost all hope
Genetical testing
something has gone wrong
she should get back in
her cage before they find she’s gone
She said she hated Kenny G
that girl is way too good for me
We’ll break up before it starts
She’ll only tear my world apart
da na na na na na na na

Pre-ex-girlfriend, that girl is just too fine
Pre-ex-girlfriend, leaving me behind

You might say she’s everything
just before everything goes wrong
She’s sunshine and lightning
she pulls at my heartstrings
she’s stunning and then she’s gone
The intellect that girl has
She’s saying "death to false jazz"
Like kryptonite to Superman
she’s here to break my heart again
da na na na na na na na

Pre-ex-girlfriend, that girl is just too fine
Pre-ex-girlfriend, leaving me behind

Watch her on the floor tonight
feel the crush she will incite
the spark of hope she will ignite
a beautiful sight
Softer than the lightest snows
watch her as the moment slows
in my face the door will close
and there she goes.

I do not like family and the need to tell me what to do or how to do it.

I *CAN'T* take classes with money I would be getting loans for in my name?

Seriously?

I just want to tell the lot of them to piss off because I hate living here and have no desire to be here. If I didn't feel like I was dying every time I ate food I would have been gone a year and a half ago out of this God forsaken town and state.

I would ask why I keep getting messages from creepy gay guys hitting on me...but then I realize even Jesus must need a cheap laugh from time to time. -_-

My self esteem has been shot point blank in the face with a rocket launcher.

Bleargh.

Blindside's album "The Great Depression" still has the ability to always help me get rid of these upset feelings and try and relax.

Swedish Christian metal is some of the best.

*sigh* I'm rapidly falling behind in NANOWRIMO...help?

"And so one morning just before dawn You came
Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in Your hand
As the moist air up to Your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw Your lips move
Asking: Did you lose something
I stood glued to the window

Emotions running through my vein
How I know a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You

And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost

I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"
-Blindside, "Ask Me Now"


God I'm so feeling this song right now...there is nothing more I want to do than just leave this place...this stupid floating rock in seemingly infinite space forever...part of me doesn't want to die...but God I long to be able to breath again...my lungs are collapsed from the pain of breathing this sulfur.

Jesus I don't know how You walked this earth in holy perfection, how the wrath is held back when You've dealt with such an apathetic people...but thank You, thanks for holding back wrath and extending to arms in love.

As soon as my time here is done, don't terry...call me home...nothing is holding me in place and I'm going to go flying as soon as You say the words..what few people I love I'll meet with You soon enough...

This physical pain is getting to be so unbearable...they will do nothing to treat my pain..and my Jesus...do you want me to suffer? Is me being in pain something that will make Your glory expand?

The pain makes me long for death but I am trying so hard to be an adult and pray for strength...but I'm so tired...I want to come Home...I want to feel Your embrace and know that this struggle...my heart being shattered into a million pieces was worth it...whatever good I'm doing and done...that You will finish the work started...like only You can...

Did I really just use the phrase "I'm going to go eat coffee" in an actual sentence?

Blargh.

Today is not my day.

To clear up a small misconception...

I'm not a nice guy.

I am a very angry, very quite, very short tempered and very apathetic person when it comes to anything involving the term family.

I prefer to be left alone.

In fact being in another hemisphere as my family is too close.
The only time I managed to go two weeks without being bothered was when I was in China...granted I was dying of dysentery at the time but it was a fair trade.

I just...want...peace.

Why the fug does that mean it requires ludicrous amounts of money I do not have access to?

Jesus, could we just save time and have you simply blow up any plans I make AHEAD of time? You know...just so we can skip on the whole getting my hopes up part?

Please?

Just stream line my misery a bit?
I'm sure we can make it work more efficient that way.
I'm going to be in miserable pain so why should we break up the monotony with any intelligent conversation? Me having hopes about the future? Heck...why have anymore good books?

Let's kill that right now.

Ignorance is bliss!

Right?

All I need is stupid MTV and reality program, screw eating vegetables and give me an IV full of cola. That's all I want babe, rot my body and my mind.

Soul?
Who said anything about a soul?
We don't have those hear!

Just hedonistic, self centered pleasure!

Heck forget the pleasure, just give me that good ol' misery and I'll be good!

Why do I still remember what her voice sounded like three years ago when she insulted me?

That is so strange...the voices I want to remember forever I can't...everything I want to hold onto is fading...but stupid sad memories cling to me like...like...a very irritating clingy thing...

"Come and find me my Love
If it's not too late, you'll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late, you'll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don't wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of your arms
And walk me away from my shame"

Why do I have such horrible and vivid nightmares when I only sleep for a few minutes at a time?

I don't understand...

Having a sense of self respect and self worth...is absolutely priceless.

And it feels...nice.

I like having a dignity for once.

My selective insanity aside...my soul feels so cheap.
So very, very cheap.

On Tacos

No sleep coupled with pain...leads to a rather irrational state of mind.
I most certainly hope I do not have to sign any important legal documents today.
At this point I think I would sign over all my earthly possessions for a taco.
It wouldn't even have to be a good taco.
I just want a taco.
Is that too much to ask for?

Tacos are awesome.
So much more reliable than about...well I haven't done the math but it is a large number, like...the majority of the people I know.
Tacos are dependable because they are so tasty.
They are always hand held.
They smell like heaven...or you know at least like fried beef and/or chicken.

They make me smile.
They don't make you feel inferior.
If they could give hugs I'm sure they would, so they would be incredibly tasty hugs.
Putting sauce on them only increases their awesome powers.

So you know...tacos are actually perfect.
If I had to choose between best friends or tacos, the tacos would win.
If I had to choose between marriage and a family or a taco...you better believe I would shove the people out the door and enjoy my freaking taco!

Nothing is better.
Tacos, tacos, tacos.

Bleargh.

"The world is a husk to be peeled back and torn
My body a shell that now breaks
How I long to escape from the chains that I’ve worn
And hasten my greatest escape
And when I breathe my very last, don’t shed a tear for me
Discard the body that once was my prison, for I’ll have been set free

And when the trumpets call us home and I’m no longer bedded by pain
Our tears will be forever dried, for the author of life knows my name
So we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
We will die for the truth in our hearts
No force that exists will tear us from His hands
Nothing will tear us apart

Though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured
We look beyond the obtuse
And the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
But her efforts are of little use
The Anointed One has purchased our souls
Death is battered and lifeless before me
The truth rains down for the children of Christ
And the truth has set us free
And through it all we rise when we fall
Though the road grows more narrow before me
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
The one truth there it sets us free "

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

“Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.”
-Oswald Chambers

Quote of the Day:

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
-Elie Wiesel

To quote a very dear friend of mine:

"MEH!"

"Your eyes
Are always there
Your eyes
Are what I came for

Your eyes
Drive away my fear
Your eyes
I could just stand there and adore

Stop just right there
Everything has to stop to steal time
For whom I want to be near
Yes I do care and I love the love we share

And I know You're alive
I'll give my heart to survive
This world has nothing to offer a human soul
Reaching for the sky
So Father of light
Keep this human spirit alive"

1 John 1:17-21

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.

If anyone boasts, "I love God," and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won't love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can't see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You've got to love both.

Hmm...the plot thickens!

Er...literally...I'm writing a novel you know!

=D

"Rebirthing" - Skillet

Streetlight Manifesto's album "Somewhere in the Between" + sugar rush = epic awesome environment for novel writing.

An Exercise on the Inability to Write

"I'm convinced that fear is at the root of most bad writing"
-Stephen King

I have writer's block with NANOWRIMO.
Maybe it has to do with the fact I've never written almost twenty pages of text in four days...normally I have writer's block the second week of NANOWRIMO...which is the agreed upon date the noveling vacation ends and skies turn very dark and cloudy.

But maybe it has more to do with that Stephen King quote.

When I look in the mirror I see eyes that are more tired than a twenty-three year old has a right to be. It's not like I survived a genocide, been through a war or had to make unbearable sacrifices...I've met people who have done all that. I've seen the pain they still carry, the pain under their skin and the scars which will never leave their body.

What is it I am afraid of?
Would I be so indecisive if I would have been born in another time and another place?
Why do I feel that I NEED the affirmation and validation from other people?
People who are just as human and prone to error as I am?
Furthermore why do I feel the need to hold people's mistakes over their heads and act as if I am somehow different, somehow special enough to practice the art of perfection?

Writing is so hard for me because it is so personal.

I'm writing fantasy, elves and magic, all that stuff but I can't help but notice when bits of my character and personal thoughts slip into my characters. It can be downright disturbing when two characters use my own words to have a conversation I had only a few weeks ago.

Most of my life decisions I have made and all of the ones I never did have this one common theme together: fear.

I think people are afraid of art, even disgusted at the thought of art because of the fact it has to come from the soul. True artistic expression, regardless of medium, is almost always a picture of a soul if not a negative showing the opposite. Art is always reviled by religion and government gone astray because of how 'dangerous' it is to be an individual who expresses thyself...because it requires free thought and to actually discover who you really are as a person.

Art is dangerous, just as dangerous as being able to laugh is. True freedom is the ability to be so free of the horrors of your circumstances that you can not just laugh at evil in the face but you can hold up a mirror to reflect back how distorted it is.

Maybe part of my problem in life, why I have such an indecisive flair about me is I do not know which 'great battle' is mine to fight. I flirt with pacifism a lot so it's not like I can join the military or a fight club. It almost feels ironic to say the battle I have is a spiritual one...it's finding who I am...because honestly I have no idea who that man in the mirror is.

It is so easy to act pretentious and pretend I have my act together.

That is something that I despise the most in religious and political figures and conversely the sort of characteristics I hate the most in me.

Spiritual hypocrisy goes far beyond a televangelist who steals money from poor widows and ministers who denounce the homosexual agenda as being the crux of America's social ills while on the weekends they meet gay prostitutes for reasons that are less than noble.

Any action, any decision which ignores a human being that is suffering is hypocrisy and anti Christ. I know people who claim that presidents were/are the Antichrist when the true spirit of Anti Christ can be just as close as the closest church building or worse, in my own heart.

Maybe I'm afraid of being found out as a hypocrite, not by people who are willing to make excuses for me but by a God who is infinitely loving and compassionate. Maybe I feel terror at the mere mention of Grace because it means everything I've achieved is a castle of sand that I didn't even help put together.

Writing is one of the few ways in which I try to keep myself afloat, as if I am afraid of simply letting go of every little thing and just learning what forgiveness and grace really mean. I suppose it might be easier to just say writing and pride are two egotistical idols I'm more than happy to sacrifice everyone at, just as you know, I get what I want in the end.

Moving from this tomb would require effort, it would require the risk of failing...it would mean interacting with other people who are hurting and need love. It means realizing that the story of life wasn't penned just for my pleasure...but somehow, in some impossible manner the love of Jesus makes participation not just possible...but soul saving.

I write in a pale imitation of not just the writer's I adore but in a vapid imitation of the God who deliberately put this lunatic together.

I dream of places far beyond this room because it is the same God that put the stars in motion that stirs my heart. The same God who took a chance on something as accident prone as humanity that sends me a Muse to whisper inspiration and set deadlines that are only slightly unreasonable.

I can dance because I'm free, sing off key because the music is loud enough and pen a potentially crappy novel because two things I'll never run out of is grace and the ability to go back and fix a mistake...when I finally catch it.

Okay wow.

That excerpt actually SCARED ME before I realized it was from the novel.

I don't know what style you can call that but oh my God...wow.

Greatest need:

It's a mixture of love, hope, purpose and relationships.
Everything else seems secondary in comparison.

Of Angels and Muses

Tis a pity when one hears
of both angels and a Muses
and their sad tears.
There is not much one as I can do
but offer thoughts of hope
and soft spoken prayers
that He will provide
and give you grace
ever through this dreary time
and throughout tonight.

The darkness can only last
as long as time permits.
But it is something we may not see
but only have vague inklings of.
Do not despair,
this grief may hold so tight
upon the very beating of thy heart
but this time will pass
it is only for tonight
and the morning shall come
burning bright
in vivid colors and light
so you can freely see
the grace bought
for both you and me.

See to walk and run and feel,
to know this too shall pass.
The temporal will roll back
and all will be as light,
and no more shall divide us
from ourselves
from one another
or from our Love.

I wish I understood...

Love

Why don't I love more?

Why am I so selfish and short tempered with those I'm supposed to love?

I'm so sick of myself...and trying to serve myself, it is like every time I think I've found You my Love, my Lord...I just have to start back over because I am worshiping who I THINK You are...as opposed to who YOU really are.

I'm so sick of myself, I want to just throw up this false gospel of works, this false gospel of self indulgence, this false gospel of self that demands that I be a god, hallowed be my name.

This is what I hate, I wish I could let go instead of beating myself senselessly.

Could You draw near to me again?
Pull close and wrap me in Your love again?

I want to be angry and act out in hate...but this isn't me...this isn't who I want to be.

I want to be yours...I want to be a son again...I want to be cleaned of all this filth, I want my lips to be purged of sin and to have my heart cleansed and to feel Your Spirit upon me again...please do not forsake or forget me.

Don't leave me in this night, this dark night that I'm so sick of me in.

You know...the dog kicking me in the stomach hasn't actually helped me feel anymore endeared to it...just saying...

It's not that I hate dogs...it's just I have no patience for people who will not send their dog to a trainer and then they act surprised when the dog misbehaves.

Plus the ungodly smell. I can't stand the smells of a dog not being cleaned up after...it's just as bad as cigarette smoke and both give me intense migraines...so a house with both almost makes my eyes explode from my head. #_#

I'm okay though...just little to no sleep and feeling bleearghish.

I love cats...they are so easy to train because as soon as they figure out the litter box (mostly on their own mind you) the only thing left to do is have them judge you and make you feel inferior.

They are the perfect pet for lonely masochists.

Quote of the Day:

"Those who are clever in imagination are far more pleased with themselves than prudent men could reasonably be."
-Blaise Pascal

"I Need You" - Relient K

I've dug up miles and miles of sand
Searching for something I can't see
And I've just got bruised and battered hands
And a brand new void inside of me
Complete with walls I did create
From all the earth that I've displaced
A mess that I have made from what
I've just let pile and pile up
I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

When my hopes seem to dangle
Somewhere just beyond my reach
You say you've heard my prayers
And read my words there on the beach

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

I think the newest story of my life is simply going to be incredibly low expectations coupled with massive amounts of effort place in simply trying...then I will just wait to see what happens...

Seems demented enough for me.
And I can maybe even sleep on that idea and not have incredibly bad back and neck pain.

I'm...so...so tired of pain and bleeding and such.
Little help please?

"You hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope."

*whew*

Broke the 11k word mark...I'm getting close again...very, very close...

"You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom"

I'm falling behind in the word wars because sitting at the desk hurts too freaking much... =/

Gah!

I will not loose!

I'm catching up!

Quote of the Day:

"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all."
-Emily Dickinson

I wonder if I can convert to Catholicism on a part time basis so I can start charging people for treating me as a portable confession booth...

I feel confused.

I give up...I can't even hit 8500 oh well. =/

Stupid emotional investments screwing with my mind on top of my lousy stomach acting up.

You can keep your dirty cows.

The only kind of cows I eat are Brahman.

Nothing tastes as good as blasphemous beef...mmm...nom nom...

Apparently my group of heroes are walking at a very fast paced 'trout'. -_-

Ah such pretty noveling Christmas lights...

Observation of the Day:

Pretensions yes, but awesome all the same.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metafiction