Is it time...to quit yet?
Please...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I'm just feeling out into the empty white spaces...leaning forward before I jump, taking into account for the wind before I just plunge headfirst into the nothingness that feels so encompassing.
This white page of potential is so hazardous to my writing...my desire for art...for peace and for peeling back the layers of my soul.
What is good?
What is pure?
What is right to write about?
Purpose...purpose...fell purpose and dread.
Hope in the future, that grace has and will continue to fall upon me...fallen that I am.
This white page of potential is so hazardous to my writing...my desire for art...for peace and for peeling back the layers of my soul.
What is good?
What is pure?
What is right to write about?
Purpose...purpose...fell purpose and dread.
Hope in the future, that grace has and will continue to fall upon me...fallen that I am.
Quote of the Day:
"Biblical orthodoxy without compassion is surely the ugliest thing in the world."
-Francis Schaeffer
-Francis Schaeffer
Monday, March 29, 2010
"What an arduous task, it proves such a feat to be only one of a kind,
Through the scenery slips through the spaces we meet,
Press forward and leave me behind,
What a child you are, for you look just like me,
Looking out for number one, I'm all that I have and all that I see,
Saved by the grace of the Son,
So shall we deny?
And rot as we die?
As I write a book about me,
My noble wealth of serving myself,
I am so selfish it's funny."
Through the scenery slips through the spaces we meet,
Press forward and leave me behind,
What a child you are, for you look just like me,
Looking out for number one, I'm all that I have and all that I see,
Saved by the grace of the Son,
So shall we deny?
And rot as we die?
As I write a book about me,
My noble wealth of serving myself,
I am so selfish it's funny."
Quote of the Day:
"God is not moody or capricious; He knows no seasons of change. He has a single relentless stance toward us: He loves us. He is the only God man has ever heard of who loves sinners. False gods--the gods of human manufacturing--despise sinners, but the Father of Jesus loves all, no matter what they do."
-Brennan Manning
-Brennan Manning
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Rejoice
Why do I?
I'm so tired of...disappointment and getting upset over small things...really things not even worth consideration or bothering with...
...but at the same time I try.
Too hard.
Much too hard.
Jesus...why can I not just be happy with what I have?
Why do I strive for absolutes and the perfection that doesn't exsist?
Why am I such an idiot that I cannot simply let the past be?
I really just want to hit myself.
Really, really, really hard with the hope that the pain would shock me out of the idiotic fantasy playground I have been living in.
Reality, truth...is people do not care.
Most could care less about anyone but themselves and the problems of those around them...much less the whole world.
Why am I differnt?
Why do I care at all?
Does it matter if I even try?
I can't change the world, I can't even change myself, change the anger and bitter pain inside of me...so why am I so stupid and delusional to think I can do anything to help the world?
"He helped others but he cannot even help himself."
I just want to fall on my knees, yell and scream to the heavens.
Proclaim my incompetence, my sin and my failures...oh Lord, oh Lord what do I have to offer to thee?
I am so incomplete.
I need You, oh Lord I need thee.
I need you.
"I try to sing this song loud
I try to stand up
But I can't find my feet
I try, I try to speak up
But only in you I'm complete
Gloria, in te domine
Gloria, exultate
Gloria, Gloria
Oh Lord, loosen my lips"
I'm so tired of...disappointment and getting upset over small things...really things not even worth consideration or bothering with...
...but at the same time I try.
Too hard.
Much too hard.
Jesus...why can I not just be happy with what I have?
Why do I strive for absolutes and the perfection that doesn't exsist?
Why am I such an idiot that I cannot simply let the past be?
I really just want to hit myself.
Really, really, really hard with the hope that the pain would shock me out of the idiotic fantasy playground I have been living in.
Reality, truth...is people do not care.
Most could care less about anyone but themselves and the problems of those around them...much less the whole world.
Why am I differnt?
Why do I care at all?
Does it matter if I even try?
I can't change the world, I can't even change myself, change the anger and bitter pain inside of me...so why am I so stupid and delusional to think I can do anything to help the world?
"He helped others but he cannot even help himself."
I just want to fall on my knees, yell and scream to the heavens.
Proclaim my incompetence, my sin and my failures...oh Lord, oh Lord what do I have to offer to thee?
I am so incomplete.
I need You, oh Lord I need thee.
I need you.
"I try to sing this song loud
I try to stand up
But I can't find my feet
I try, I try to speak up
But only in you I'm complete
Gloria, in te domine
Gloria, exultate
Gloria, Gloria
Oh Lord, loosen my lips"
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I miss playing music a lot.
But more than that...I miss the bond and the feeling of standing against the world with my brothers.
I miss that in so many ways, more than words can express.
That at least, is the beauty of being in a band with like minded people attempting to make a difference in the world.
But there is a reason...and a means and a meaning...
But more than that...I miss the bond and the feeling of standing against the world with my brothers.
I miss that in so many ways, more than words can express.
That at least, is the beauty of being in a band with like minded people attempting to make a difference in the world.
But there is a reason...and a means and a meaning...
Just An Idiot
My hands tremble from caffeine
and stress of bearing my soul into writing,
emotional history
becoming distress,
dissimulating reality
only as I have seen it
and as the music blares from the machines
to the earphones,
into my soul.
I find it impossible
to not consider,
to not wonder
and think of how you fare as
one who lives in another world,
so far away
and apart from anything I have known.
I'll be wide awake thinking about the cross
and the sacred bond
that binds the hearts of all who believe
and I wish your heart well in its venture.
It is always silly to base life on dreams
but if all were to dream
and there was hope for only one
my prayer
and the hope I dare
is that this dream continues to blossom
and bloom
bringing you joy
from here until eternity.
From the hands of the Father
may the blessings fill your heart
to such levels of overflowing
that you loose footing
and drift into His arms tonight.
and stress of bearing my soul into writing,
emotional history
becoming distress,
dissimulating reality
only as I have seen it
and as the music blares from the machines
to the earphones,
into my soul.
I find it impossible
to not consider,
to not wonder
and think of how you fare as
one who lives in another world,
so far away
and apart from anything I have known.
I'll be wide awake thinking about the cross
and the sacred bond
that binds the hearts of all who believe
and I wish your heart well in its venture.
It is always silly to base life on dreams
but if all were to dream
and there was hope for only one
my prayer
and the hope I dare
is that this dream continues to blossom
and bloom
bringing you joy
from here until eternity.
From the hands of the Father
may the blessings fill your heart
to such levels of overflowing
that you loose footing
and drift into His arms tonight.
"Sure Shot" - The O.C. Supertones
"I wanna do the right thing.
I wanna be the sure shot.
I wanna have my mind straight.
I wanna have my point got.
I wanna be a good man,
I wanna have my act down.
I wanna be the future
and I wanna be right now.
Sometimes I feel
like I can change the world.
But I don't know where to start.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.
I wanna see a life change.
I wanna see a new man.
I wanna fight the good fight.
I wanna take the right stand.
I wanna be like Jesus.
I wanna pour my heart out.
I wanna pick my cross up.
I wanna hear the mob shout.
I'm wide awake
and thinking about the cross,
the Trinity apart.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart."
A Sojourn into the Shadowlands
“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
-Revelation 21:4
The photo series of ‘Murder She Wrote’ by Angelique Strum is a rare example of a provocative, thought evoking and truly artistic endeavor by an artist who is a Christian. Although the definition of what makes a Christian artist is a topic better left for another essay it will suffice to say that by using such an uncompromising theme in her work it is pointing to higher things than the frivolities found in works by the likes of Thomas Kinkade. Similar to the gospel of Jesus, her art is forcing people to move beyond mere religious sentimental platitudes and force people to deal with the taboo and awkward subject of death in incredibly concrete terms.
In Jungian psychoanalysis one of the most recognizable archetypes is that of the Shadow. This Shadow is made up of the darker aspects of our inner conscious and the biggest pains that people seek to repress in their lives. Jung wrote that "Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” By acting as a sounding board art is able to draw out these darker thoughts and repressed emotions that would otherwise never be considered or properly dealt with.
One the single most difficult subjects for me to write, speak or much less talk about is that of family. The Christian subculture in the southeast tends to portray the typical all-American Nuclear family as the norm and anything existing outside of that as being abnormal, dirty and something to be ashamed of. Given the choice who would want to grow up barely having contact with their father and then loose him at the age of eight? Who would want to grow up having to navigate the conundrum of life, having to discover what it really means to be a man and having no one to guide them by the hand?
From some of my earliest memories up until today I have dealt with issues of low-self-esteem, bouts of deep depression and intense moments of social anxiety. Based on my brief reading of the work of Jung and the intense reaction I had from viewing Strum’s art collection I believe there is a correlation between these issues and my inability to properly confront the Shadow dwelling in my soul. I have come to believe that the longer I go without reconciling my perception of reality with what is true, the greater the crash will be when I can no longer go about living as though everything was alright.
One of the ways that this Shadow has manifested itself in recent years is concerning my ability to follow through with my faith in feeling called to serve in ministry work. Even though I have had a deep seated faith in Jesus Christ since I was nine years old there has been this hole in my heart, this deep aching that will never be filled because of my dad being taken away from me. The reality of the situation is that I am human. I am a paradox that is simultaneously full of faith, hope, fear and doubt about the goodness of God in a world marred and in decay because of death and the evils of humanity.
There are enough wolves posing as sheep that inhabit the pulpit, the last thing the church needs is another actor pretending to have their life in perfect order. In the course of examining this art I heard the word of Jesus echo in my head, his demand in Matthew 16:24-26 that:
“If any of you want to be my followers, you must forget about yourself. You must take up your cross and follow me. If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it. What will you gain, if you own the whole world but destroy yourself? What would you give to get back your soul?”
By refusing to confront the darkness hiding in this Shadow I have been refusing to be myself and refusing to accept the fact I am in fact human. To carry the cross of Christ means to accept my broken nature and the absolute fact I cannot live this life on my own. I have to cast aside this addiction and crutch of hubris before it envelops my soul. Instead of a lifestyle based on the lie of "do it yourself Christianity" I must come clean about my weakness and my need for a Savior outside of myself.
True art will only change the world if it forces people to examine who they are, what they believe and why they believe it. Unless this confrontation occurs than a person will continue on a religious path best describe by Marx as being the “opiate of the masses”. A person can only begin to truly find themselves when they cast aside the charade they have grown comfortable with and begin to look deep into the Shadowy abyss of their broken soul and cry out for help.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
-Revelation 21:4
The photo series of ‘Murder She Wrote’ by Angelique Strum is a rare example of a provocative, thought evoking and truly artistic endeavor by an artist who is a Christian. Although the definition of what makes a Christian artist is a topic better left for another essay it will suffice to say that by using such an uncompromising theme in her work it is pointing to higher things than the frivolities found in works by the likes of Thomas Kinkade. Similar to the gospel of Jesus, her art is forcing people to move beyond mere religious sentimental platitudes and force people to deal with the taboo and awkward subject of death in incredibly concrete terms.
In Jungian psychoanalysis one of the most recognizable archetypes is that of the Shadow. This Shadow is made up of the darker aspects of our inner conscious and the biggest pains that people seek to repress in their lives. Jung wrote that "Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” By acting as a sounding board art is able to draw out these darker thoughts and repressed emotions that would otherwise never be considered or properly dealt with.
One the single most difficult subjects for me to write, speak or much less talk about is that of family. The Christian subculture in the southeast tends to portray the typical all-American Nuclear family as the norm and anything existing outside of that as being abnormal, dirty and something to be ashamed of. Given the choice who would want to grow up barely having contact with their father and then loose him at the age of eight? Who would want to grow up having to navigate the conundrum of life, having to discover what it really means to be a man and having no one to guide them by the hand?
From some of my earliest memories up until today I have dealt with issues of low-self-esteem, bouts of deep depression and intense moments of social anxiety. Based on my brief reading of the work of Jung and the intense reaction I had from viewing Strum’s art collection I believe there is a correlation between these issues and my inability to properly confront the Shadow dwelling in my soul. I have come to believe that the longer I go without reconciling my perception of reality with what is true, the greater the crash will be when I can no longer go about living as though everything was alright.
One of the ways that this Shadow has manifested itself in recent years is concerning my ability to follow through with my faith in feeling called to serve in ministry work. Even though I have had a deep seated faith in Jesus Christ since I was nine years old there has been this hole in my heart, this deep aching that will never be filled because of my dad being taken away from me. The reality of the situation is that I am human. I am a paradox that is simultaneously full of faith, hope, fear and doubt about the goodness of God in a world marred and in decay because of death and the evils of humanity.
There are enough wolves posing as sheep that inhabit the pulpit, the last thing the church needs is another actor pretending to have their life in perfect order. In the course of examining this art I heard the word of Jesus echo in my head, his demand in Matthew 16:24-26 that:
“If any of you want to be my followers, you must forget about yourself. You must take up your cross and follow me. If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it. What will you gain, if you own the whole world but destroy yourself? What would you give to get back your soul?”
By refusing to confront the darkness hiding in this Shadow I have been refusing to be myself and refusing to accept the fact I am in fact human. To carry the cross of Christ means to accept my broken nature and the absolute fact I cannot live this life on my own. I have to cast aside this addiction and crutch of hubris before it envelops my soul. Instead of a lifestyle based on the lie of "do it yourself Christianity" I must come clean about my weakness and my need for a Savior outside of myself.
True art will only change the world if it forces people to examine who they are, what they believe and why they believe it. Unless this confrontation occurs than a person will continue on a religious path best describe by Marx as being the “opiate of the masses”. A person can only begin to truly find themselves when they cast aside the charade they have grown comfortable with and begin to look deep into the Shadowy abyss of their broken soul and cry out for help.
A reaction to Marx's view on religion:
Those that view faith as being a crutch or a mere ‘opiate of the people’ are sadly mistaken. In true Christianity the crutches are taken away, the blinding fetters are ripped from our face and we are forced out of our complacency concerning the life around us. True faith in Jesus means a person is no longer concerned with their advancement but in how they may lower themselves to a place where they may serve ‘the less of these’. The only home for the Christian is in the gutters, the slums and ghettos of the world. The friends of a Christian are the prostitute, the beggar and drug junkie dying of AIDS.
There is no place for the politically minded, those seeking personal advancement and the fool who seeks to use God and His people for their gain. The opiate is only found in the dead church whose chief concern is building a tomb for an ignorant and stubborn people concerned only with the shades of paint on the church wall and raising enough money for a new steeple.
The true Christian is concerned with not how much to give but is grieved in their heart that they have gave everything but haven’t been able to feed all of the hungry, clothed all the naked and heal all the diseased.
There is no place for the politically minded, those seeking personal advancement and the fool who seeks to use God and His people for their gain. The opiate is only found in the dead church whose chief concern is building a tomb for an ignorant and stubborn people concerned only with the shades of paint on the church wall and raising enough money for a new steeple.
The true Christian is concerned with not how much to give but is grieved in their heart that they have gave everything but haven’t been able to feed all of the hungry, clothed all the naked and heal all the diseased.
Quote of the day:
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
"I'm not Looking for a miracle
Signs and Wonders are things thereof
I caught a glimpse of what You want from me
and what I have is not enough
I read the story one more time
of Those who gave to You Their lives
With no fear or compromise
I want Faith Like That
To see the dead rise
or to see You pass by
Oh I, I want Faith Like That
Whatever the cost
I'll suffer the loss, Oh I
I want the Faith That can move any mountain
and send them to the sea
I want the Faith that can break every stronghold
That keeps you, keeps you from me "
Signs and Wonders are things thereof
I caught a glimpse of what You want from me
and what I have is not enough
I read the story one more time
of Those who gave to You Their lives
With no fear or compromise
I want Faith Like That
To see the dead rise
or to see You pass by
Oh I, I want Faith Like That
Whatever the cost
I'll suffer the loss, Oh I
I want the Faith That can move any mountain
and send them to the sea
I want the Faith that can break every stronghold
That keeps you, keeps you from me "
Monday, March 22, 2010
"The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will
This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care
But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will
This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care
But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"
Bleeding Sentiments
My soul, oh my soul is so exhausted.
It lays here in my sick body just broken
and crippled from fear.
Every step forward is a dance back into the night
as I strive to feel
and face to the east while daring to hope
that I might see dawn's first light.
I have held broken lies
posing as eternal truth
and spread heresy
just because it was in this season,
while really I wanted
was to feel You.
I want to feel the Love I fear
and know the eternal is near,
everything is fading and burning
but my faith will endure.
My fear is that I am but straw,
useless chafe
not even fit for the stables
of my Lord God.
The stories I weaved with my imagination
never live up to reality,
I have the audacity to cry out
when my plans fail
and I blame my Lord for the failure that is mine.
Why such indignation?
Why such futility at claiming nothing?
It was never about others
just my selfish pursuit.
I'm just a bastard child of the kingdom,
an invalid barely scraping in.
And still,
somehow
and someway
I am loved.
Despite the vile beast I am,
there is love and grace to cover
even a sinner such as I.
Such unfathomable beauty,
such eternal wonders.
My heart can never comprehend
nor give thanks enough for.
But from here until eternity
I will live
casting my words to the heavens
in praise for the Redeemer,
the Lamb and Lord.
It lays here in my sick body just broken
and crippled from fear.
Every step forward is a dance back into the night
as I strive to feel
and face to the east while daring to hope
that I might see dawn's first light.
I have held broken lies
posing as eternal truth
and spread heresy
just because it was in this season,
while really I wanted
was to feel You.
I want to feel the Love I fear
and know the eternal is near,
everything is fading and burning
but my faith will endure.
My fear is that I am but straw,
useless chafe
not even fit for the stables
of my Lord God.
The stories I weaved with my imagination
never live up to reality,
I have the audacity to cry out
when my plans fail
and I blame my Lord for the failure that is mine.
Why such indignation?
Why such futility at claiming nothing?
It was never about others
just my selfish pursuit.
I'm just a bastard child of the kingdom,
an invalid barely scraping in.
And still,
somehow
and someway
I am loved.
Despite the vile beast I am,
there is love and grace to cover
even a sinner such as I.
Such unfathomable beauty,
such eternal wonders.
My heart can never comprehend
nor give thanks enough for.
But from here until eternity
I will live
casting my words to the heavens
in praise for the Redeemer,
the Lamb and Lord.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
"But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you
Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms
Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?"
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you
Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms
Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?"
Okay.
Thia whole dream thing is becoming silly.
I have never had consistency between two dreams before...much less months apart.
This is sort of irritating.
I would rather go back to dreaming about reading or you know...maybe dream about something fun.
But...reality is a cruel mistress.
However there is grace...and love that can cover over a multitude of sins.
No matter what happens...real, dream, visions or otherwise...there are somethings that will never change.
Love is stronger, more intoxicating and more beautiful than anything of humanity...not to discount the things here...just that...imperfection and perfection and it is much too early for me to try and put some sort of sense into these thoughts.
I'm going to eat some pop tarts and go back to bed.
I do not get paid nearly enough to deal with this sort of thought at this hour.
Thia whole dream thing is becoming silly.
I have never had consistency between two dreams before...much less months apart.
This is sort of irritating.
I would rather go back to dreaming about reading or you know...maybe dream about something fun.
But...reality is a cruel mistress.
However there is grace...and love that can cover over a multitude of sins.
No matter what happens...real, dream, visions or otherwise...there are somethings that will never change.
Love is stronger, more intoxicating and more beautiful than anything of humanity...not to discount the things here...just that...imperfection and perfection and it is much too early for me to try and put some sort of sense into these thoughts.
I'm going to eat some pop tarts and go back to bed.
I do not get paid nearly enough to deal with this sort of thought at this hour.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I am absolutely baffled as to whether or not things are shaping into good or...or better good?
I will never get used to things actually seeming to go...right.
It is scary.
I know I shouldn't treat God as this vengeful kid going after ants with a magnifying glass...but at any second everything could end...and what little joy I have can be stolen by death and disease.
It is terrifying beyond words...but I can't just live in this cave under Samford dorm forever...
I will never get used to things actually seeming to go...right.
It is scary.
I know I shouldn't treat God as this vengeful kid going after ants with a magnifying glass...but at any second everything could end...and what little joy I have can be stolen by death and disease.
It is terrifying beyond words...but I can't just live in this cave under Samford dorm forever...
Quote of the Day:
“Ceremony leads her bigots forth, prepared to fight for shadows of no worth. While truths, on which eternal things depend, can hardly find a single friend.”
-William Cowper
-William Cowper
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I am feeling a serious amount of vindictive rage towards those "Christians" who seek to make those with a past feel inferior...as though they are somehow NOT human.
God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...
God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...
Quote of the Day:
“It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons...(as)...things.”
-Lawrence G. Lovasik
-Lawrence G. Lovasik
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Zero
Broken and decrepit
this machine is falling apart.
This lack of control
just dictating
and ripping sanity to pieces
as the music plays
moving the crowd.
A sea of glass
moving in twilight
showing the shallowness
of my soul
as the waves pull back
exposing the lies
laying beneath the skins
festering in the heart.
Shallow pools form here and there
painting a structure
of a heart
just speaking out silently
hoping you will look on.
Bidding you goodnight
and farewell
on your journey
as you walk along the beach
feeling crushed seashells
moving underfoot
as the distance
just pulls you onward.
this machine is falling apart.
This lack of control
just dictating
and ripping sanity to pieces
as the music plays
moving the crowd.
A sea of glass
moving in twilight
showing the shallowness
of my soul
as the waves pull back
exposing the lies
laying beneath the skins
festering in the heart.
Shallow pools form here and there
painting a structure
of a heart
just speaking out silently
hoping you will look on.
Bidding you goodnight
and farewell
on your journey
as you walk along the beach
feeling crushed seashells
moving underfoot
as the distance
just pulls you onward.
I'm not sure I can ever be paid enough to deal with the levels of drama that come from being around certain people...escaping that with my sanity intact might be reason enough to flee north...
Class issue...sort of resolved...I guess.
I hate having to do that...but health and sanity are preferred to things falling apart like an excessively cheap house of cards just tumbling down...
Life is becoming like...a really shoddy dance.
Moving several steps in one direction just to be forced back because life doesn't know who the heck is supposed to be taking the lead...I'm considering just kicking her in the shin and making sure I don't get left behind back here anytime soon. I hate my lock breaking and getting trapped in my dorm room and missing classes and meals...
Yes.
That was possibly a case of mixed metaphors.
I haven't slept in over thirty hours...so sue me.
Class issue...sort of resolved...I guess.
I hate having to do that...but health and sanity are preferred to things falling apart like an excessively cheap house of cards just tumbling down...
Life is becoming like...a really shoddy dance.
Moving several steps in one direction just to be forced back because life doesn't know who the heck is supposed to be taking the lead...I'm considering just kicking her in the shin and making sure I don't get left behind back here anytime soon. I hate my lock breaking and getting trapped in my dorm room and missing classes and meals...
Yes.
That was possibly a case of mixed metaphors.
I haven't slept in over thirty hours...so sue me.
Quote of the Day:
“People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
-Chuck Palahniuk
-Chuck Palahniuk
Sunday, March 14, 2010
And...yeah.
Knew it was coming...still...
It can be difficult to wish the best when you sort of...
Continuing this line of thought is asinine.
It doesn't matter what I wish or feel...if it doesn't line up with reality.
Dreams are best kept to books.
Stories and other bullshit nonsense preserved for those silly enough to believe.
It's a pity I'm more than silly.
I'm just a fool in the rain.
Waiting on the wrong block.
Knew it was coming...still...
It can be difficult to wish the best when you sort of...
Continuing this line of thought is asinine.
It doesn't matter what I wish or feel...if it doesn't line up with reality.
Dreams are best kept to books.
Stories and other bullshit nonsense preserved for those silly enough to believe.
It's a pity I'm more than silly.
I'm just a fool in the rain.
Waiting on the wrong block.
At least in the realm of fiction...where fate is determined by the rolls of dice and the whims of a GM I can win.
Sometimes.
Since I'm keeping a somewhat up to the moment play by play of Codex's adventures in the Wasted Wests I might as well attempt to write up stories about him and the parties adventures. It would actually give me something to do with that freaking 'Tale Telling' skill.
I haven't really focused on trying to write fiction outside of NANOWRIMO and the RP that was associated with MXO.
Actually have a post apocalyptic Hell in which to throw my creative thoughts into has been draining but fun...most anything is possible and it is nice...very nice.
Sometimes.
Since I'm keeping a somewhat up to the moment play by play of Codex's adventures in the Wasted Wests I might as well attempt to write up stories about him and the parties adventures. It would actually give me something to do with that freaking 'Tale Telling' skill.
I haven't really focused on trying to write fiction outside of NANOWRIMO and the RP that was associated with MXO.
Actually have a post apocalyptic Hell in which to throw my creative thoughts into has been draining but fun...most anything is possible and it is nice...very nice.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
*sigh*
Yeah.
I really, really, REALLY just want to punch myself in the face right now.
I could go for one of those weird existential 'Fight Club' moments where I find out Brad Pitt is my alter ego and we fight each other to the death in a skyscraper.
That would make the most logical end to most of this.
Yeah.
I really, really, REALLY just want to punch myself in the face right now.
I could go for one of those weird existential 'Fight Club' moments where I find out Brad Pitt is my alter ego and we fight each other to the death in a skyscraper.
That would make the most logical end to most of this.
I wonder if I will ever have a vision...a large vision for the world again.
When I was a teenager I felt I could do more than I could ever see...that I could touch the world and see some real change.
I'm fighting to ward off bitterness and not feel just consumed with the negative.
Please...please...revive these dry bones.
Revive this soul.
Help me to love and not hate.
Please...please...don't leave me here.
Make me new, renew Your love again.
Teach me to speak and sing anew.
God I need compassion and love in my soul.
I am so dry, so needy...God I am so needy.
I want to go where the streets have no name.
Where religion isn't bound to culture and people are free to breath and to believe.
I want to feel Your heartbeat next to mine
and I just want to get lost here.
Today and tonight.
Whatever may be and be.
When I was a teenager I felt I could do more than I could ever see...that I could touch the world and see some real change.
I'm fighting to ward off bitterness and not feel just consumed with the negative.
Please...please...revive these dry bones.
Revive this soul.
Help me to love and not hate.
Please...please...don't leave me here.
Make me new, renew Your love again.
Teach me to speak and sing anew.
God I need compassion and love in my soul.
I am so dry, so needy...God I am so needy.
I want to go where the streets have no name.
Where religion isn't bound to culture and people are free to breath and to believe.
I want to feel Your heartbeat next to mine
and I just want to get lost here.
Today and tonight.
Whatever may be and be.
Quote of the day:
“Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.”
-Elie Wiesel
-Elie Wiesel
Friday, March 12, 2010
"Red light, grey morning
You stumble out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay up to watch the adverts
You could lip-synch to the talk shows
And if you look, you look through me
And when you talk it's not to me
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing
If I could stay, then the night would give you up
Stay, and the day would keep its trust
Stay, and the night would be enough
Faraway, so close up with the static and the radio
With satellite television you can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin
And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough
Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter as an angel runs to ground"
You stumble out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay up to watch the adverts
You could lip-synch to the talk shows
And if you look, you look through me
And when you talk it's not to me
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing
If I could stay, then the night would give you up
Stay, and the day would keep its trust
Stay, and the night would be enough
Faraway, so close up with the static and the radio
With satellite television you can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin
And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough
Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter as an angel runs to ground"
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Note to self:
Stop taking what people say at face value.
Assume they are lying.
It may be for their benefit or for yours but the surest thing is that they are lying.
Ack...people frustrate me endlessly.
Seriously...I just wish they would decide upon what they want and if it doesn't involve me they can just piss off.
I have enough problems without dealing with high school level drama.
If a friendship is a friendship...good...but I have no desire to be a road bump people can back up over just for when they need an ego boost or to feel good about themselves. I have too much self respect to keep getting treated like this.
I am a human being.
I have feelings.
I deserve better than this second rate crap.
Gee...that feels better to type it out.
I also deserve more Swedish Fish, Candy Corn and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans!
Wooo!
Assume they are lying.
It may be for their benefit or for yours but the surest thing is that they are lying.
Ack...people frustrate me endlessly.
Seriously...I just wish they would decide upon what they want and if it doesn't involve me they can just piss off.
I have enough problems without dealing with high school level drama.
If a friendship is a friendship...good...but I have no desire to be a road bump people can back up over just for when they need an ego boost or to feel good about themselves. I have too much self respect to keep getting treated like this.
I am a human being.
I have feelings.
I deserve better than this second rate crap.
Gee...that feels better to type it out.
I also deserve more Swedish Fish, Candy Corn and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans!
Wooo!
"far away in distant skies
i see starlight in your eyes
do you think of miracles
are they only dreams for fools
she's the one who haunts my dreams at night
underneath the bluest moon
she makes hearts skip beats in triplets
the brightest light in any room
she hits the mark
the kindled spark
but i'll just drag her down"
i see starlight in your eyes
do you think of miracles
are they only dreams for fools
she's the one who haunts my dreams at night
underneath the bluest moon
she makes hearts skip beats in triplets
the brightest light in any room
she hits the mark
the kindled spark
but i'll just drag her down"
Quote of the Day:
"None of us has ever seen a motive. Therefore, we don't know and we can't do anything more than suspect what inspires the action of another. For this good and valid reason, we're told not to judge. Tragedy is that our attention centers on what people are not, rather than on what they are and who they might become."
— Brennan Manning
— Brennan Manning
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Ack.
I feel like death.
But I can and will still smile.
The pain will not rob me of this joy...
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
I feel like death.
But I can and will still smile.
The pain will not rob me of this joy...
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
The Baffling Nature of Want
People do not know what they need, much less what they deepest desires mean.
We all have these...things...inside of us, telling us what to do, dictating our direction, trying to convince us of what is right...wrong...acceptable...repulsive...and so on and so forth.
Love.
Hate.
Desire.
Need.
Morals.
All of these things.
We impress our feelings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, understanding of actions onto other people and get horribly offended when they do not realize or catch onto what WE want.
We expect people to play to our standards.
Our wants.
Our demands.
It's natural and what we expect of life because we are constantly immersed in the illusion that the world centers around ourselves. It can be assumed that the sociopaths among us did not learn as they grew up from childhood that their perspective is not the only in the world.
It is a struggle to find that balance of realizing we are not alone.
Both in the mundane and divine sense.
It is ridiculous and surreal...we are human and created in such an odd sense.
But here we are...to deal with the awkwardness of being human...of breathing, living, dying and trying to figure our just who we are, what we are doing, where we are going...it's a large and confusing circle that tends to make very little sense.
Which is why we get so upset when people do not understand what we mean by God, love, truth, living, compassion and actual honest to goodness bothering to show respect towards other human beings.
We all have these...things...inside of us, telling us what to do, dictating our direction, trying to convince us of what is right...wrong...acceptable...repulsive...and so on and so forth.
Love.
Hate.
Desire.
Need.
Morals.
All of these things.
We impress our feelings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, understanding of actions onto other people and get horribly offended when they do not realize or catch onto what WE want.
We expect people to play to our standards.
Our wants.
Our demands.
It's natural and what we expect of life because we are constantly immersed in the illusion that the world centers around ourselves. It can be assumed that the sociopaths among us did not learn as they grew up from childhood that their perspective is not the only in the world.
It is a struggle to find that balance of realizing we are not alone.
Both in the mundane and divine sense.
It is ridiculous and surreal...we are human and created in such an odd sense.
But here we are...to deal with the awkwardness of being human...of breathing, living, dying and trying to figure our just who we are, what we are doing, where we are going...it's a large and confusing circle that tends to make very little sense.
Which is why we get so upset when people do not understand what we mean by God, love, truth, living, compassion and actual honest to goodness bothering to show respect towards other human beings.
Being Here
This broken tomb is fading
yeah, just rotting from the inside out
and here I am
just waiting,
waiting to feel You here.
Feel the breeze push back my hair
and feel the fire singe my clothes
as You pass by.
I want to see You
and feel You pass by.
Feel the world break
and this realm shake
as Your presence comes near.
I want to be like Elijah
and know You have come
by the gentle whisper on the breeze
that would say 'peace be still'
to calm the raging seas
that rip apart my heart
and I want to see
what it means
to be loved.
yeah, just rotting from the inside out
and here I am
just waiting,
waiting to feel You here.
Feel the breeze push back my hair
and feel the fire singe my clothes
as You pass by.
I want to see You
and feel You pass by.
Feel the world break
and this realm shake
as Your presence comes near.
I want to be like Elijah
and know You have come
by the gentle whisper on the breeze
that would say 'peace be still'
to calm the raging seas
that rip apart my heart
and I want to see
what it means
to be loved.
Insufficient Praise
Jesus...I'm not sure if it's the pain screaming through my body...or the bit of conversation I just had...but thank you.
You just...I think I finally got the point You have been trying to get me to understand for a while.
...am I always this hard headed and silly?
You made a strong point.
To react negatively would...nullify the point.
I am having trouble keeping myself from being violently ill...the migraine is excruciating...my spine is singing out in dissonance...my heart is baffled...but oh my soul?
Will You promise...it will rejoice this much...if not more so when our eyes meet for the first time? When we embrace? Oh Lover..my Love...my sweet, sweet Love...can You promise to intoxicate my soul like this with every moment of prayer, every embrace and every time we brush against each other?
I just need You...please...please let the inferior slip away...marriage makes sense...to be able to teach others to see You...with such passion and intimacy...that the love for each other points TOWARD this...I don't need that silly trapping.
Just please...let me fall down this rabbit hole even further...let me drink of this grace...let me feel it burn my insides as it fills me with warmth.
Teach me...love me...oh never let me remain the same...thank you for grace...for the cross...for so much love oh Lover...oh thank You.
You just...I think I finally got the point You have been trying to get me to understand for a while.
...am I always this hard headed and silly?
You made a strong point.
To react negatively would...nullify the point.
I am having trouble keeping myself from being violently ill...the migraine is excruciating...my spine is singing out in dissonance...my heart is baffled...but oh my soul?
Will You promise...it will rejoice this much...if not more so when our eyes meet for the first time? When we embrace? Oh Lover..my Love...my sweet, sweet Love...can You promise to intoxicate my soul like this with every moment of prayer, every embrace and every time we brush against each other?
I just need You...please...please let the inferior slip away...marriage makes sense...to be able to teach others to see You...with such passion and intimacy...that the love for each other points TOWARD this...I don't need that silly trapping.
Just please...let me fall down this rabbit hole even further...let me drink of this grace...let me feel it burn my insides as it fills me with warmth.
Teach me...love me...oh never let me remain the same...thank you for grace...for the cross...for so much love oh Lover...oh thank You.
Billowing Heights
I want to go walk in a field of dandelions
and feel the wind again,
just like it used to be.
The hill where I could stand
and feel the ages pass
and I could just be me.
and feel the wind again,
just like it used to be.
The hill where I could stand
and feel the ages pass
and I could just be me.
I don't even have words right now.
The fact is...I just hope I have helped instead of screwing things up like I tend to.
Taking advice from me is about as safe as poking a rabid pack of lions with a stick.
Bad, bad, bad.
I want to help...but I somehow doubt my own sincerity...
At least I can't screw up praying.
Hopefully.
=/
The fact is...I just hope I have helped instead of screwing things up like I tend to.
Taking advice from me is about as safe as poking a rabid pack of lions with a stick.
Bad, bad, bad.
I want to help...but I somehow doubt my own sincerity...
At least I can't screw up praying.
Hopefully.
=/
Quote of the Day:
"Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it."
-Blaise Pascal
-Blaise Pascal
Monday, March 8, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"There are two types of men in this world- one is looking for a woman to make his life complete and the other is looking for a woman to join his complete life."
-Donald Miller
-Donald Miller
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Endlessly Rotating Circles (Poem)
I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel.
I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.
I need the profound almost as much as the sacred.
Resolutions resoluting as themselves.
As the profane holds hands with the sacred
and hope blossoms in the gutter,
the blood of saints acting as water.
Time is correcting itself
as it is falling at a minor speed,
leaking across the general mish-mash
passing through
to your mind.
I'm hoping...just hoping
as the music strikes its chord
and the grace
is just making life that much more crowded
that maybe
just maybe
everything may...
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.
I need the profound almost as much as the sacred.
Resolutions resoluting as themselves.
As the profane holds hands with the sacred
and hope blossoms in the gutter,
the blood of saints acting as water.
Time is correcting itself
as it is falling at a minor speed,
leaking across the general mish-mash
passing through
to your mind.
I'm hoping...just hoping
as the music strikes its chord
and the grace
is just making life that much more crowded
that maybe
just maybe
everything may...
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
Life is so utterly ridiculous that I have to just smile right now.
To spite you.
Yes you.
I mean you.
The one next to the other you.
The less ambiguous you...one...person...I mean.
Geez.
Maybe I should just give up and start using more proper nouns.
Heh.
Who am I kidding?
Certainly not myself.
I am not sure that has ever happend.
Of course it has but I like to pretend it hasn't.
To spite you.
Yes you.
I mean you.
The one next to the other you.
The less ambiguous you...one...person...I mean.
Geez.
Maybe I should just give up and start using more proper nouns.
Heh.
Who am I kidding?
Certainly not myself.
I am not sure that has ever happend.
Of course it has but I like to pretend it hasn't.
Endlessly Rotating Circles
I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel and I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.
I feel this need to write something so utterly profound it will cause people to throw millions of dollars at my feet and have women jumping into my arms and also so people will stroke my ego and remind me of how awesome I am...and...and...and...
Okay...I think if I would have to keep writing along that line of thought I would have to punch myself in the throat.
I have a lot on my mind, so much superfluous, so much anxiety, so much stress...for a variety of reasons and things. I'm terrified of what is to come...why is this so? Why do I feel such near crippling anxiety when I think about change...about the future...?
I latch onto things, onto people...in such an unhealthy and STUPID manner that I just wish someone would come up to me and slap the hell out of me. Maybe that would wake me up from my stupid childish dreams and I would start to realize how screwed up life is...and that no one cares enough to have to deal with my little child like tendencies for screwing things up.
I have emotions, I have feelings, I have wants, I have a desire to be held, I want to feel security, I want my heart to stop racing, I want to stop feeling needs, I want my sexuality to disappear and for me to become utterly bland...I want to drop out of all my classes and just start running down the road and maybe I'll find somewhere I can hide from everything and everyone...especially myself.
I'm running from the demons that ate my father and my brother.
Sexuality, drugs, alcohol, addiction, self hatred, depression, fear, dear, self loathing...God, do I even need to go on?
Do you see me?
Do you see this?
What have I become?
What am I becoming?
I'm tearing through this page as though it would somehow save my life...as if SOMEHOW this matters...when it doesn't.
You were supposed to make me happy.
Carry my cross, my shame and my petty little health problems and my want to be god of this age.
Can't you stop so I can fill your ear with moaning problems about girls and how I never got my shot at being a rock star?
Don't you want me to pile on my useless crown of shit that I have been wearing while sitting on this liar's chair?
I hate feeling like an animal.
I hate these impulses.
I hate feeling out of control.
I do not want to feel attraction, I do not want to have emotions...I would rather be dead on the inside then to feel these utterly useless desire to be near people who have no concern or want for me...it's being human...but I am sick of being human...I'm sick of who I am...because it's not enough for others...it's enough for you...for You...for me...for anyone...
It's just me being me being me being me.
I'm not even that upset right now...it's just this...these...are the nicest thoughts running through my mind right now.
If any of you had the gall to actually look through my prayer journal or my letters notebook...you would start to see how dark the night is...and how much of an acting fraud I am.
All of this is paper waiting to be burned...no other purpose to be served except fire...it's a chain of binary code burning into the light, asking for life because it what it is and nothing more and nothing less because it is code...words, symbols...numbers at the barest sense asking to be used to represent abstract thought which in the end, in the end ends up being nothing more than circular thought leading to more pain.
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
I feel this need to write something so utterly profound it will cause people to throw millions of dollars at my feet and have women jumping into my arms and also so people will stroke my ego and remind me of how awesome I am...and...and...and...
Okay...I think if I would have to keep writing along that line of thought I would have to punch myself in the throat.
I have a lot on my mind, so much superfluous, so much anxiety, so much stress...for a variety of reasons and things. I'm terrified of what is to come...why is this so? Why do I feel such near crippling anxiety when I think about change...about the future...?
I latch onto things, onto people...in such an unhealthy and STUPID manner that I just wish someone would come up to me and slap the hell out of me. Maybe that would wake me up from my stupid childish dreams and I would start to realize how screwed up life is...and that no one cares enough to have to deal with my little child like tendencies for screwing things up.
I have emotions, I have feelings, I have wants, I have a desire to be held, I want to feel security, I want my heart to stop racing, I want to stop feeling needs, I want my sexuality to disappear and for me to become utterly bland...I want to drop out of all my classes and just start running down the road and maybe I'll find somewhere I can hide from everything and everyone...especially myself.
I'm running from the demons that ate my father and my brother.
Sexuality, drugs, alcohol, addiction, self hatred, depression, fear, dear, self loathing...God, do I even need to go on?
Do you see me?
Do you see this?
What have I become?
What am I becoming?
I'm tearing through this page as though it would somehow save my life...as if SOMEHOW this matters...when it doesn't.
You were supposed to make me happy.
Carry my cross, my shame and my petty little health problems and my want to be god of this age.
Can't you stop so I can fill your ear with moaning problems about girls and how I never got my shot at being a rock star?
Don't you want me to pile on my useless crown of shit that I have been wearing while sitting on this liar's chair?
I hate feeling like an animal.
I hate these impulses.
I hate feeling out of control.
I do not want to feel attraction, I do not want to have emotions...I would rather be dead on the inside then to feel these utterly useless desire to be near people who have no concern or want for me...it's being human...but I am sick of being human...I'm sick of who I am...because it's not enough for others...it's enough for you...for You...for me...for anyone...
It's just me being me being me being me.
I'm not even that upset right now...it's just this...these...are the nicest thoughts running through my mind right now.
If any of you had the gall to actually look through my prayer journal or my letters notebook...you would start to see how dark the night is...and how much of an acting fraud I am.
All of this is paper waiting to be burned...no other purpose to be served except fire...it's a chain of binary code burning into the light, asking for life because it what it is and nothing more and nothing less because it is code...words, symbols...numbers at the barest sense asking to be used to represent abstract thought which in the end, in the end ends up being nothing more than circular thought leading to more pain.
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
Quote of the Day, The Second Part:
“Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds”
-Douglas Adams
-Douglas Adams
A Pause for Breath
Is it March?
Really?
When did that happen?
I am having trouble with wrapping my mind around the fact that I am already over halfway done with this first semester back working on my masters. Much less the fact it is in Mobile and at the University of Mobile.
Throw in the fact I'm currently typing away at my friend's kitchen table in Chicago after another great night of gaming and I'm not sure what to think.
The past year has been a blur of attempting to find resolutions and answers popping up from the most unexpected places. For every negative, every pain I have been through...there has been this unexpected beauty and sweetness on the other side. For one who talks (too much) about the wonders of the divine...I tend to be one much too quick to pass judgment and be negative...but oh how I have been blessed...in such unexpected and wonderful ways.
I'm baffled that I have met so many new people in such a short time and have grown closer to a handful of people who are more dear to me than life itself. To be honest...I'm shocked life is turning out so wonderful...so much more than I could have asked for or wanted.
Even with the daily struggles with pain and health...the good outweighs the bad. If it something I have to deal with, so be it. At least I have better health than what it could be. I hate how so many words of complain pass through my lips...sure I am human but still...
And the possibilities offered at Wheaton.
Goodness.
The fact they have had graduates from their Masters program actually go off to Oxford, Cambridge and Duke.
I know it's such a far shot...but what I would give for a chance to actually study abroad and actually attempt to make an impact in lands I have never seen before.
Is it pride?
False humility?
Just the key to my disorders?
I feel compelled...the need to serve and show love.
My life hasn't always been about living the love of Christ...but it is the only thing I sincerely want. I am horrible at personal relationships and coping with pain...but at least I just want this somewhat useless life useful and a chance for others to see how unique and beloved they are.
It's a leap...it's a bound outside the realm of logic that not everyone can handle...but love itself is a paradox that should have never existed...
But here we are...we didn't ask for this but we have the responsibility to live it out while we are here.
I didn't ask for it...for any of this but the beauty overwhelms the horror offered by life...in every way.
Far from being ideal...the pain is more beautiful than any cheap concoction of good I could have created on my own. I want to live through the pain...live and see what is to come...see the beauty and smile because this is only a beginning.
Really?
When did that happen?
I am having trouble with wrapping my mind around the fact that I am already over halfway done with this first semester back working on my masters. Much less the fact it is in Mobile and at the University of Mobile.
Throw in the fact I'm currently typing away at my friend's kitchen table in Chicago after another great night of gaming and I'm not sure what to think.
The past year has been a blur of attempting to find resolutions and answers popping up from the most unexpected places. For every negative, every pain I have been through...there has been this unexpected beauty and sweetness on the other side. For one who talks (too much) about the wonders of the divine...I tend to be one much too quick to pass judgment and be negative...but oh how I have been blessed...in such unexpected and wonderful ways.
I'm baffled that I have met so many new people in such a short time and have grown closer to a handful of people who are more dear to me than life itself. To be honest...I'm shocked life is turning out so wonderful...so much more than I could have asked for or wanted.
Even with the daily struggles with pain and health...the good outweighs the bad. If it something I have to deal with, so be it. At least I have better health than what it could be. I hate how so many words of complain pass through my lips...sure I am human but still...
And the possibilities offered at Wheaton.
Goodness.
The fact they have had graduates from their Masters program actually go off to Oxford, Cambridge and Duke.
I know it's such a far shot...but what I would give for a chance to actually study abroad and actually attempt to make an impact in lands I have never seen before.
Is it pride?
False humility?
Just the key to my disorders?
I feel compelled...the need to serve and show love.
My life hasn't always been about living the love of Christ...but it is the only thing I sincerely want. I am horrible at personal relationships and coping with pain...but at least I just want this somewhat useless life useful and a chance for others to see how unique and beloved they are.
It's a leap...it's a bound outside the realm of logic that not everyone can handle...but love itself is a paradox that should have never existed...
But here we are...we didn't ask for this but we have the responsibility to live it out while we are here.
I didn't ask for it...for any of this but the beauty overwhelms the horror offered by life...in every way.
Far from being ideal...the pain is more beautiful than any cheap concoction of good I could have created on my own. I want to live through the pain...live and see what is to come...see the beauty and smile because this is only a beginning.
Quote of the Day:
"Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required."
-Blaise Pascal
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required."
-Blaise Pascal
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Christianity is strange: it requires human beings to recognize that they are vile and even abominable, and requires them to want to be like God. Without such a counterweight this elevation would make them execrably vain, or this abasement execrably despicable."
-Blaise Pascal
-Blaise Pascal
"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
Friday, March 5, 2010
"Despite our selfish selves,
despite all loss of hope,
despite our lack of faith,
despite our stony hearts,
despite the waning moon,
despite the ebbing tide of how we think this world should be.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
praise Him all creatures here below,
praise Him above ye heavenly host,
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Gray rainy day, down in the mud for us.
Don't feel I can sing,
songs to the God in control of the seasons.
But what's good and bad,
flow from the hands,
of the God with the perfect plan.
Filling us with joy, all of this will glorify."
despite all loss of hope,
despite our lack of faith,
despite our stony hearts,
despite the waning moon,
despite the ebbing tide of how we think this world should be.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
praise Him all creatures here below,
praise Him above ye heavenly host,
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Gray rainy day, down in the mud for us.
Don't feel I can sing,
songs to the God in control of the seasons.
But what's good and bad,
flow from the hands,
of the God with the perfect plan.
Filling us with joy, all of this will glorify."
Quote of the Day:
"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
— Anne Lamott
— Anne Lamott
Thursday, March 4, 2010
"Where does the misunderstanding come from,
demanding that we be outstanding and then some?
Perfection never was a requirement
although some might say we desired it.
So then for times when things get old I might get cynical
I see that I don't see.
Do they see you when they see me?
In honesty there's room for improvement
Thoughts may change, the truth be told,
A closed mind will leave you empty
Use your mind to use your soul.
Alert the press, their dogmas are a mess,
Opinions shift, a broken sift, an empty hand,
And billboards ask, 'where do they stand.'
Do all streams lead to one sea?"
demanding that we be outstanding and then some?
Perfection never was a requirement
although some might say we desired it.
So then for times when things get old I might get cynical
I see that I don't see.
Do they see you when they see me?
In honesty there's room for improvement
Thoughts may change, the truth be told,
A closed mind will leave you empty
Use your mind to use your soul.
Alert the press, their dogmas are a mess,
Opinions shift, a broken sift, an empty hand,
And billboards ask, 'where do they stand.'
Do all streams lead to one sea?"
Quote of the Day:
"Beware you are not a fiery, persecuting enthusiast. Do not imagine that God has called you...to destroy men’s lives, and not to save them. Never dream of forcing men into the ways of God. Think yourself, and let think. Use no constraint in matters of religion. Even those who are farthest out of the way never compel to come in by any other means than reason, truth, and love."
-John Wesley
-John Wesley
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Reckless pursuit of God.
Abandonment of all...things, others and most importantly of self.
To the point of discomfort and even destruction.
We exist in duality and only through the Divine intervention can we continue and if we do abandon everything...we will be destroyed but not before our time.
And not as needless martyrs but as ones given over to fervent love...the only thing that can change the world in a positive manner.
I need the influence of others who feels this way...that by giving over to this 'insanity' that it is the best way. I'm tired of being around halfhearted Christians...we're all going to die and this body is going to be destroyed before it is made perfect...so why even try to deny and delay the inevitable?
I need to know others like this...ideally be around them...I'm not entirely sure they exsist but I will find them as needed.
Comfort is a luxury I cannot afford.
Companionship is only a luxury, if Jesus was abandoned, forsaken and despised for following will of His Father, under what pretense and delusion do I keep that I will not be treated the same for following my convictions to their utter end?
Abandonment of all...things, others and most importantly of self.
To the point of discomfort and even destruction.
We exist in duality and only through the Divine intervention can we continue and if we do abandon everything...we will be destroyed but not before our time.
And not as needless martyrs but as ones given over to fervent love...the only thing that can change the world in a positive manner.
I need the influence of others who feels this way...that by giving over to this 'insanity' that it is the best way. I'm tired of being around halfhearted Christians...we're all going to die and this body is going to be destroyed before it is made perfect...so why even try to deny and delay the inevitable?
I need to know others like this...ideally be around them...I'm not entirely sure they exsist but I will find them as needed.
Comfort is a luxury I cannot afford.
Companionship is only a luxury, if Jesus was abandoned, forsaken and despised for following will of His Father, under what pretense and delusion do I keep that I will not be treated the same for following my convictions to their utter end?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, "God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts."
The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.
The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, "Me too.""
— Rob Bell
The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.
The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, "Me too.""
— Rob Bell
I feel the faintest trace of what it will be like to rest in my Lover's arms once this battle is over and all is said and done.
No more tears, no more aches, no more fear, no more anxiety...everything will be replaced with love and peace eternal.
The tears will be wiped away and the self destruction within will be removed.
Such an awesome, infinite, terrifying but wonderful...love, perfect love that baptizes and heals the soul.
So enigmatic and beyond words...it feels my praise are so insufficient that they may be curses...
I just want to see this, see this with you, see our Love together so that I will no longer be bound by bad health and this failing spirit and we can walk together throughout the ebbs and tides of eternity.
No more tears, no more aches, no more fear, no more anxiety...everything will be replaced with love and peace eternal.
The tears will be wiped away and the self destruction within will be removed.
Such an awesome, infinite, terrifying but wonderful...love, perfect love that baptizes and heals the soul.
So enigmatic and beyond words...it feels my praise are so insufficient that they may be curses...
I just want to see this, see this with you, see our Love together so that I will no longer be bound by bad health and this failing spirit and we can walk together throughout the ebbs and tides of eternity.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Moral #1:If you work hard, stay focused, and never give up, you will eventually get what you want in life.
Moral #2: Sometimes the things we want most in life are the things that will kill us. "
—Donald Miller
Moral #2: Sometimes the things we want most in life are the things that will kill us. "
—Donald Miller
You know...I wish I had my toothbrush and that my throat wasn't hurting.
Other then that...I only have a few dozen other things I could complain about...so really...I am not doing so bad this morning.
I'm breathing, I'm alive...there is snow out the window.
I have...some hope.
It hasn't died yet, it keeps fighting to stay with me.
Funny little thing.
Other then that...I only have a few dozen other things I could complain about...so really...I am not doing so bad this morning.
I'm breathing, I'm alive...there is snow out the window.
I have...some hope.
It hasn't died yet, it keeps fighting to stay with me.
Funny little thing.
You know...being sick and getting sick constantly is really an irritation to me.
I really shouldn't be here...I should just be somewhere I can go to defuse...because I am really on edge.
No sleep and I'm in a significant amount of pain.
Why do I always get myself into these situation again and again?
Things will snowball like they almost always do.
Or they will utterly defuse and my faith will be shown as the small and worthless creature it is.
Oh life.
I really shouldn't be here...I should just be somewhere I can go to defuse...because I am really on edge.
No sleep and I'm in a significant amount of pain.
Why do I always get myself into these situation again and again?
Things will snowball like they almost always do.
Or they will utterly defuse and my faith will be shown as the small and worthless creature it is.
Oh life.
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