Endlessly Rotating Circles

I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel and I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.

I feel this need to write something so utterly profound it will cause people to throw millions of dollars at my feet and have women jumping into my arms and also so people will stroke my ego and remind me of how awesome I am...and...and...and...

Okay...I think if I would have to keep writing along that line of thought I would have to punch myself in the throat.

I have a lot on my mind, so much superfluous, so much anxiety, so much stress...for a variety of reasons and things. I'm terrified of what is to come...why is this so? Why do I feel such near crippling anxiety when I think about change...about the future...?

I latch onto things, onto people...in such an unhealthy and STUPID manner that I just wish someone would come up to me and slap the hell out of me. Maybe that would wake me up from my stupid childish dreams and I would start to realize how screwed up life is...and that no one cares enough to have to deal with my little child like tendencies for screwing things up.

I have emotions, I have feelings, I have wants, I have a desire to be held, I want to feel security, I want my heart to stop racing, I want to stop feeling needs, I want my sexuality to disappear and for me to become utterly bland...I want to drop out of all my classes and just start running down the road and maybe I'll find somewhere I can hide from everything and everyone...especially myself.

I'm running from the demons that ate my father and my brother.
Sexuality, drugs, alcohol, addiction, self hatred, depression, fear, dear, self loathing...God, do I even need to go on?

Do you see me?
Do you see this?
What have I become?
What am I becoming?
I'm tearing through this page as though it would somehow save my life...as if SOMEHOW this matters...when it doesn't.

You were supposed to make me happy.
Carry my cross, my shame and my petty little health problems and my want to be god of this age.
Can't you stop so I can fill your ear with moaning problems about girls and how I never got my shot at being a rock star?
Don't you want me to pile on my useless crown of shit that I have been wearing while sitting on this liar's chair?

I hate feeling like an animal.
I hate these impulses.
I hate feeling out of control.
I do not want to feel attraction, I do not want to have emotions...I would rather be dead on the inside then to feel these utterly useless desire to be near people who have no concern or want for me...it's being human...but I am sick of being human...I'm sick of who I am...because it's not enough for others...it's enough for you...for You...for me...for anyone...

It's just me being me being me being me.

I'm not even that upset right now...it's just this...these...are the nicest thoughts running through my mind right now.

If any of you had the gall to actually look through my prayer journal or my letters notebook...you would start to see how dark the night is...and how much of an acting fraud I am.

All of this is paper waiting to be burned...no other purpose to be served except fire...it's a chain of binary code burning into the light, asking for life because it what it is and nothing more and nothing less because it is code...words, symbols...numbers at the barest sense asking to be used to represent abstract thought which in the end, in the end ends up being nothing more than circular thought leading to more pain.










This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.

I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.

I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.

For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.