A Pause for Breath

Is it March?
Really?
When did that happen?

I am having trouble with wrapping my mind around the fact that I am already over halfway done with this first semester back working on my masters. Much less the fact it is in Mobile and at the University of Mobile.

Throw in the fact I'm currently typing away at my friend's kitchen table in Chicago after another great night of gaming and I'm not sure what to think.

The past year has been a blur of attempting to find resolutions and answers popping up from the most unexpected places. For every negative, every pain I have been through...there has been this unexpected beauty and sweetness on the other side. For one who talks (too much) about the wonders of the divine...I tend to be one much too quick to pass judgment and be negative...but oh how I have been blessed...in such unexpected and wonderful ways.

I'm baffled that I have met so many new people in such a short time and have grown closer to a handful of people who are more dear to me than life itself. To be honest...I'm shocked life is turning out so wonderful...so much more than I could have asked for or wanted.

Even with the daily struggles with pain and health...the good outweighs the bad. If it something I have to deal with, so be it. At least I have better health than what it could be. I hate how so many words of complain pass through my lips...sure I am human but still...

And the possibilities offered at Wheaton.
Goodness.
The fact they have had graduates from their Masters program actually go off to Oxford, Cambridge and Duke.
I know it's such a far shot...but what I would give for a chance to actually study abroad and actually attempt to make an impact in lands I have never seen before.

Is it pride?
False humility?
Just the key to my disorders?

I feel compelled...the need to serve and show love.
My life hasn't always been about living the love of Christ...but it is the only thing I sincerely want. I am horrible at personal relationships and coping with pain...but at least I just want this somewhat useless life useful and a chance for others to see how unique and beloved they are.

It's a leap...it's a bound outside the realm of logic that not everyone can handle...but love itself is a paradox that should have never existed...

But here we are...we didn't ask for this but we have the responsibility to live it out while we are here.
I didn't ask for it...for any of this but the beauty overwhelms the horror offered by life...in every way.

Far from being ideal...the pain is more beautiful than any cheap concoction of good I could have created on my own. I want to live through the pain...live and see what is to come...see the beauty and smile because this is only a beginning.