Rejoice

Why do I?
I'm so tired of...disappointment and getting upset over small things...really things not even worth consideration or bothering with...

...but at the same time I try.

Too hard.

Much too hard.

Jesus...why can I not just be happy with what I have?
Why do I strive for absolutes and the perfection that doesn't exsist?
Why am I such an idiot that I cannot simply let the past be?

I really just want to hit myself.
Really, really, really hard with the hope that the pain would shock me out of the idiotic fantasy playground I have been living in.
Reality, truth...is people do not care.
Most could care less about anyone but themselves and the problems of those around them...much less the whole world.

Why am I differnt?
Why do I care at all?
Does it matter if I even try?
I can't change the world, I can't even change myself, change the anger and bitter pain inside of me...so why am I so stupid and delusional to think I can do anything to help the world?

"He helped others but he cannot even help himself."

I just want to fall on my knees, yell and scream to the heavens.
Proclaim my incompetence, my sin and my failures...oh Lord, oh Lord what do I have to offer to thee?
I am so incomplete.
I need You, oh Lord I need thee.
I need you.

"I try to sing this song loud
I try to stand up
But I can't find my feet
I try, I try to speak up
But only in you I'm complete

Gloria, in te domine
Gloria, exultate
Gloria, Gloria
Oh Lord, loosen my lips"