So it begins...

There is this enticement of excitement
just in the air tonight.
Hearing the subtle stirring vibrations
you whisper to me.
You intoxicate me with your promises,
Your sincere invitations.

The starkness of my own self centered lives
runs contradictions through my mind.
I stay here waxing poetically
while hoping to put off tomorrow
what could never be today.

I find my growing hypocrisy to much to bear
and I just want to let go.
Run free into your love
and live the life I've been terrified of
from the moment I realized thoughts
and the possibility of possibility.

These words have no meaning beyond what you give them,
nothing of my intent could sway your being
for one instant.
But take this for what it is worth
and make it yours
just for now,
just for the moment.
Let us pause and be who we are
in between who they think we must be.
Let us wait in anticipated glee
for we know the moment may end
just as soon as it will began.
Things will never be as we thought
they would be
but so is life and just the beginning
of every end is the start of new life.

Life Update - My Health 2.0, NANOWRIMO, Possible Internship and More!

"Life," said Marvin dolefully, "loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', Douglas Adams

Thankfully, as much as I might despair I have not been reduced to acting completely like that poor depressed robot that Mr.Adams created. All things considered life is fair. I wouldn't say it is great by any stretch of the imagination but any day where you can wake up and say "Thank God I can actually write still." is a good day.

Speaking of such, a few updates:

My Health 2.0
A few weeks ago I had another procedure done and it removed a gallstone blocking a bile duct which caused a lot of junk to fly into my system. Although I am still having abdominal pain, nausea and other weird symptoms I am attempting to press on and just not worry about things until my next schedule appointment (sometime in January).

In the long term aspect of things I have three goals I will be doing regardless of health:

1.Internship in Las Vegas
2.Seminary/Grad School
3.Nanowrimo 08

1.For now I'm not sharing many details but I've applied for a ministry internship in fabulous Las Vegas. I felt led to apply and so I did, no clue if anything will surface but we shall see.

2.I need to finish my education and get a masters and possibly a PHD. I'm currently trying to assemble a list of possible schools that hopefully will not drive me insane. I am still wanting to get my masters in theology and a doctorate in philosophy. But then again I may just go for something in English and writing, I'm not sure.


3.Ah, writing, that horrible mistress I both love and hate in the same breath. It is a give and take relationship that helps me hang on to my sanity but at the same time sometimes pushes it out an open window. I have days where I speed along and others while I limp around looking confused but at the end of the day if I can write it is a good day.

Not that writing is actually ever easy (for long periods of time at least) but it is something I can still do and feel good about doing, even when it is as hopelessly narcissistic as writing about myself. The good always, ALWAYS outweighs the bad. If I could not write I would go even more insane...which would indeed be an ironic pity because it seems like the crazier a writer gets the better their writing.

That said, a magical event begins tonight at midnight. The long awaited season of competitive month long novel writing begins. A fifty-thousand novel put to the pages in a mere thirty days. I'll be competing for the second time this year and plan on adding another chapter into the ever expanding saga of what I have lovingly dubbed the "Matt-a-verse". Like I said, narcissism.

I dashed out a few points earlier today that is serving as my outline. From what I can tell it'll be picking up sometime and somewhere from last years car crash of an epic. I'm somewhat excited and repulsed by the thought of returning to the realm of my creative thought.

All that said it should be a good time I think.

Er...I promised to have 'more' in the title of this little thing but uh...I have nothing.

SO yes something random...any musical recommendation for this years writing endeavor?

Last year I used:

"Discovery" - Daft Punk
"Somewhere in the Inbetween" - Streetlight Manifesto
"Zoo TV - Live in Sydney" - U2
Final Fantasy VII Official Soundtrack

...and a few others that I cannot readily recall. I'm planning on doing a few entires into the "Reasonably Good Music" burned cd collection but any suggestions would be grand.

I'm planning on taking the novel express tonight but I'll be keeping everyone updated as much as possible. Thanks and I'll be seeing the lot of you at the finish line in a few weeks.


www.nanowrimo.com is the place to be!

Okay, listen please.

I fully realize how absolutely silly it is for me to be THIS stressed with very few reasons but the fact of the matter is that these ARE big factors but not SO BIG I should be almost paralyzed with fear at making a decision. This should be so much easier than it is but it is not.

You know? So what? What now?

I mean my personal desire is to curl up in a ball and whimper or something...and I'm not saying that won't happen at least once or twice in the coming weeks but I would like to be a wee bit more practical in actually achieving and doing something worthwhile.

I'm just...I'm freaking out because I want to be in control. I've been saying no and trying to avoid any real decisions because I'm scared of pain and failure. I keep trying to live life in this sterile bubble of angry cynicism where I constantly want to shove people away and hide under my own bizarre views on life.

Thank you for loving me through this absolutely insane life of uncertain insanity.

It helps to type this, almost like I am taking a fresh breath of air after weeks and maybe even months of just holding it.

Please, please, please help me to make the right decisions but at the same time HELP ME to make DECISIONS. It feels like I have a three hundred pound gorilla sitting on my shoulders and hitting my head with a daily planner made from the lost souls of the damned and departed that could never be anything but underachievers.

Dramatic? Most certainly.
How I feel? Yes.

I want to make the right decisions. Please help me, I need YOU, nothing else. But I do need something before this world just kind of explodes in on me. You know?

Random Thoughts

It is so mind blowing to think that Jesus referred to himself as a Lamb. We're talking the all powerful creator and destroyer of existence itself...referring to himself as this meek, weak, almost pitiable creature.

It is...words honestly can never hope to do justice to the amazing beauty that this is.

I suppose something very frustrating is knowing this truth in such a...deep and beyond understanding way is beautiful but frustrating because it means I don't know how to share it. Every attempt at sharing this love feels so empty, so hollow and so fake.

How can I be honest and real when I'm terrified of just being myself?

Being a hypocrite is so tiring after a while.

3 point paper

I.Introduction paragraph
-I like trees.

II. First Point.
-Trees are awesome.

III. Second Point.
-Trees have leaves.

IV. Third Point
-Trees make oxygen.

V. Conclusion
-Trees are awesome and I like them.

The best thing I can compare being home to, is that it is like plunging into frigid waters barely above freezing. You loose your breath, you feel numb, shocked, confused and most importantly...cold.

I don't mean to be so brutal in that thought it is just...I can't hide the truth. I miss being around warm fellowship, the kind of welcoming attitude where you know you are wanted and accepted for who you are.

Four Revelations of Novel Writing

1.Enlightenment is overrated
-No need to wait for the idea to fall from heaven before we start to write.
-It's okay to start with a very loose set of ideas.

2.When you have a million things what a million and one?
-Setting yourself apart from real life while writing is not the best of ideas.
-It is easier to do when you are restricted in time because you are forced to work to get anything done and utilize your time.

3.Plot Happens
-Two schools of thought:
1.Planning out noveling
2.Seat of your pants noveling

4.Writing For it's Own Sake Has Many Surprising Rewards
-It stretches and pokes your imagination and creativity in many ways

I'm quite frustrated at the lack of real words.
Up until now our conversations
have been filled with clever phrases
and words disguised as false sincerities.
As much as I may think I want change
without you there is none.

It is this dry spell that I'm afraid will kill me.
In between the beautiful days of life
you have these desperate moments of reality.
Realizations that you are a frail and fragile
finite life with only so much of a life expectancy.
Here today and gone tomorrow
everything in between will be reduced to nothingness.

The anticipation of what will inevitably come
is worse then what is.
Knowing the difficulty and the pain of today is just a foretaste
a near mockery of you today,
it is hard to know real
from the stress and pure feelings.

Sure pain may be limited to just here for the just now
but the just here and just now are all that I have
right now and know and feel.
It is problematic to assume and assure everything is alright
when you have neither clue nor hope it is.
The idea of saving grace come in by realizing
it is okay to be finite.
To be human.
To live, to die
and to try and be you.

The feelings and passions burning me will thankfully die
one day.
Until then it is a curse mixed with blessings,
being human is just all that it is
nothing more
nothing less.

I wish I could be freed to run away,
freed from this oppressive weight.
Freed from the desires and burning pain of this body.
Faulty and broken,
there merest hope of life feeling lost.

Help me to find You,
before the day ends.
Before all my blood spills out,
please love me.
Hold me to Your chest so I might hear your heart.
Let me know the end is coming
but I'll be found in Your love.

I'm too tired to keep trying to be clever.

What I need is an escape from this...prison of self.

This horrible amount of self hating and self deceiving mass of indulging weakness of my heart. Love? I never it but I need it.

I really hate mirrors because it seems every time I see one I just happen to keep seeing this guy I hate.

You know I'm worried you don't care anymore...you don't remember me or even think about me.

Oh well...

Coffee and U2 are amazing.

There is the combination of the caffeinated high with the heavenly melodies of the song 'City of Blinding Lights'.

I really want to quit right now.

But you won't let me will you?

Sometimes you can be a major league jerk.

Deity or not.

I wish I had something better to say then nothing.

You know I'm trying to read it right now but I can't. I have all of these stress factors piling up right now.

I'm torn with so many feeling of anger and despair...it feels like I am just floating in this pool of apathy and selfishness. That the tension is going to keep building until it explodes and I just go over the edge again. Words just cannot correctly convey all of this hopelessness and rage bubbling under my skin.

I wish everything could simply be fixed, I could get a meaningless and menial job and turn my mind off. I wish I didn't have to think deeply and never find satisfaction and rest. I wish I could just be another stupid sheep and not have any sense of my place in the world.

I get so freaking tired of seeing peoples smug smiles and their leers at my 'failures', I get so sick of the eyes burning as they stare at me as I walk by. Inever asked for life and as far as I'm concerned they can just go die for all I care at this moment.

I'm sick of feeling judged and made to feel like I am nothing but a waste of space, this disgusting mass of organic matter that has no reason to life. I am tired of feeling so sick and guilty for even being alive. I am tired of it all. I want to scream, I want to lash out I want to do something destructive but there is nothing I can do that would have any larger meaning.

You know I am praying, I'm crying, I am trying to find some sort of outlet and this is all I currently have and I am tired of it. It would be stupid to say no one cares but it would be accurate to say no one understands or can see what is going on.

It helps to say I am angry and tired of it all. It is like getting a fresh breath of air after living in this sulfur filled Hell hole for all of my life. Knowing you care enough to listen means something.

The internet is about to cause me to fly into a homicidal rage.

I hate this world and how it makes everything not work, including the freaking internet.

Of all these simple words you spoke
that is the one to make me stop
and watch the time become like smoke,
filling this desolate land.

But I still look to see you
beyond your selfish ego,
the failing attempt
at reconciliation
and I have to smile.

Despite my bruised self esteem
I see me.
I see you and deep down you are me.
We can divide the difference
but all we have is the fact
we represent each other before
we knew each other.
Cracked mirrors.

Drunk Chicken (Full Version)

So the other night was one of those odd nights.

By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"

Overall it was an odd experince.

Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"

But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.

Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.

Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.

I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?

I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.

Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.

Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.


One of the many similarities every human being has in common with any other is that we all worship. Some people offer their love and adoration to statues, some to altars and still some offer it to other people.

A person may refuse to acknowledge the existence of any given deity but all the same we pander to something. It is just part of who we are, we acknowledge something bigger and what we perceive as being more important to us. Something(s) or someone(s) that brings us together in groups for a common reason and common purpose. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be an outlet to help someone keep their sanity.

From what I can tell there is a very common element between the Buddhist temple, the dance floor at a bar and the service at a theologically sound Christian church.

One of my biggest problems with American Christianity is this huge chip that we all seem to wear on our collective shoulder. I think it must come from a misunderstanding of Scripture and Jesus' teachings.

If at any point a Christian has the arrogant stupidity to say they are somehow better off morally and spiritually then a brothel worker, a drug pedaler or even in fact a child rapist then they have completely missed the boat.

One of the basic ideas behind Christianity is how every human is a fallen and broken individual that has offended an infinite holy being and have to deal with the consequences of being born into a broken world. At best we can hope for and maybe establish a sort of half life of sorts, where we try to act as if everything is okay but deep down we know it is not.

The beauty of Christ is that he offers a free love and a free acceptance. It goes beyond our own broken nature and offers to begin the life long process of healing a corrupted heart that was born out of selfishness.

And the horrifyingly beautiful part is that the only part we play is in accepting it. If at any point we could actually do ANYTHING to be worthy of or to earn the grace and favor of God then we have manged to implode the entire salvation process. Considering the fabric of space and time are still flowing along it is safe to say Yahweh did not explode into a puff of logic generated by a human mind.

The thing is, I love to talk about grace as much as the next Christian. Just like them I only like to talk about it and I do not like to actually live as if I am already loved and accepted. It is much easier to continue living as if every choice I made would make my life somehow closer or further from that love.

Personal responsibility is a must and ultimately no one enjoys a 'know it all' but when it comes down to it we all have to throw what we have on the table. It is much easier to talk about theories regarding creation and salvation then it is to actually accept that God loves his creation. That in His eyes we are all equal, we are either on the path towards Him or away from Him.

There is a divide between us and God called sin and Jesus is that bridge needed to get back.

"In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 3:28


I mentioned earlier about an element that keeps all of these different groups in common is that it is full of desperate human beings searching for some kind of meaning and purpose beyond the insanity of this world.

As dear old Uncle Ben of 'Spider Man' fame once said "With great power comes great responsibility." I suppose the same can be true of knowledge. The great tragedy of Americanized Christianity is that our arrogance prevents us from realizing we are living in a broken world. We are absolutely obsessed with the sound of our own voice and manage to speak loud enough to not just drown out the cries of those dying but the gentle whisper of Christ.

It is frustrating but I perceive the turning point can be that when we realize that are the problem and that what we believe is the solution but that we are not needed to save the world. We are just privileged that an infinite Love has an infinite desire to love such a finitely fickle and stupid group of people called The Church.

And oddly enough I think it would do both the world and the Church a world of good for the Church to show up for worship, I mean where the world congregates. The pubs, the casinos, the clubs, the brothels, the strip joints, the hospitals, the crack houses, the clubs and whatever else it is people gather. We are eager enough to berate people for not coming to us when we were told point blank to go to them.

Going not to judge but to simply see and learn. To realize that the people we brush off as being beneath us are worth loving and sharing love with. To realize that we are all more alike then we would care to know, that the love that flows in our veins is enough to wash away our stains and could do wonders for this broken planet.


Once again the problem is that I am a hypocrite and that I do not want to do anything except hide in my shell. I want to run screaming from real and honest relationships with people because it requires me to be human and to show the fact I am weak and can bleed.

I need this just as much as any other Christian and it sucks to admit this. It really upsets me that I have to admit I am just as screwed up as anyone else but the only difference is that I have an invisible and physically unprovable God supporting me and changing my life. It is not ideal by any human standards but it is the truth.

As Paul best put it:

"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a 'law man' so that i could be GOD's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine" but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."

-Galatians 2:19-21

Is it too late to ask for some clarity of mind and thought, so I might read with understanding?

Inky pools of despair seem to collect whenever I happen to stop and think. As much as I would enjoy being able to rest here, I cannot. It behooves me to move forward and not remain...yet still, fear seeks to chain me here. So I cannot move.

I dearly wish I could afford the price of peace and love but such things require dramatic stacks of money and time and most importantly honesty. Luxuries I used to carelessly throw away but not I clutch to quite desperately.

Not everything is lost but little is found on this excruciating jaunt across metaphysical realms of loathing and doubt. Whatever it means to be me is something beyond what I know and understand.

Which is good and bad, all together and wrapped up.

I sometimes get the feeling that if my sixteen and thirty-two year olds selves met my current twenty-two year old self that they would double team attack me with baseball bats.

Indiscriminate efficiency isn't always the best move.

Woo.

Being back in touch with various members of my Pike relatives is awesome but will result in more backed up emails now then ever.

God grant me a 26 hour day so I might have two hours devoted strictly to emails so I might not offend any.

Drunk Chicken - Part Two

One of the many similarities every human being has in common with any other is that we all worship. Some people offer their love and adoration to statues, some to altars and still some offer it to other people.

A person may refuse to acknowledge the existence of any given deity but all the same we pander to something. It is just part of who we are, we acknowledge something bigger and what we perceive as being more important to us. Something(s) or someone(s) that brings us together in groups for a common reason and common purpose. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be an outlet to help someone keep their sanity.

From what I can tell there is a very common element between the Buddhist temple, the dance floor at a bar and the service at a theologically sound Christian church.

One of my biggest problems with American Christianity is this huge chip that we all seem to wear on our collective shoulder. I think it must come from a misunderstanding of Scripture and Jesus' teachings.

If at any point a Christian has the arrogant stupidity to say they are somehow better off morally and spiritually then a brothel worker, a drug pedaler or even in fact a child rapist then they have completely missed the boat.

One of the basic ideas behind Christianity is how every human is a fallen and broken individual that has offended an infinite holy being and have to deal with the consequences of being born into a broken world. At best we can hope for and maybe establish a sort of half life of sorts, where we try to act as if everything is okay but deep down we know it is not.

The beauty of Christ is that he offers a free love and a free acceptance. It goes beyond our own broken nature and offers to begin the life long process of healing a corrupted heart that was born out of selfishness.

And the horrifyingly beautiful part is that the only part we play is in accepting it. If at any point we could actually do ANYTHING to be worthy of or to earn the grace and favor of God then we have manged to implode the entire salvation process. Considering the fabric of space and time are still flowing along it is safe to say Yahweh did not explode into a puff of logic generated by a human mind.

The thing is, I love to talk about grace as much as the next Christian. Just like them I only like to talk about it and I do not like to actually live as if I am already loved and accepted. It is much easier to continue living as if every choice I made would make my life somehow closer or further from that love.

Personal responsibility is a must and ultimately no one enjoys a 'know it all' but when it comes down to it we all have to throw what we have on the table. It is much easier to talk about theories regarding creation and salvation then it is to actually accept that God loves his creation. That in His eyes we are all equal, we are either on the path towards Him or away from Him.

There is a divide between us and God called sin and Jesus is that bridge needed to get back.

"In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 3:28


I mentioned earlier about an element that keeps all of these different groups in common is that it is full of desperate human beings searching for some kind of meaning and purpose beyond the insanity of this world.

As dear old Uncle Ben of 'Spider Man' fame once said "With great power comes great responsibility." I suppose the same can be true of knowledge. The great tragedy of Americanized Christianity is that our arrogance prevents us from realizing we are living in a broken world. We are absolutely obsessed with the sound of our own voice and manage to speak loud enough to not just drown out the cries of those dying but the gentle whisper of Christ.

It is frustrating but I perceive the turning point can be that when we realize that are the problem and that what we believe is the solution but that we are not needed to save the world. We are just privileged that an infinite Love has an infinite desire to love such a finitely fickle and stupid group of people called The Church.

And oddly enough I think it would do both the world and the Church a world of good for the Church to show up for worship, I mean where the world congregates. The pubs, the casinos, the clubs, the brothels, the strip joints, the hospitals, the crack houses, the clubs and whatever else it is people gather. We are eager enough to berate people for not coming to us when we were told point blank to go to them.

Going not to judge but to simply see and learn. To realize that the people we brush off as being beneath us are worth loving and sharing love with. To realize that we are all more alike then we would care to know, that the love that flows in our veins is enough to wash away our stains and could do wonders for this broken planet.


Once again the problem is that I am a hypocrite and that I do not want to do anything except hide in my shell. I want to run screaming from real and honest relationships with people because it requires me to be human and to show the fact I am weak and can bleed.

I need this just as much as any other Christian and it sucks to admit this. It really upsets me that I have to admit I am just as screwed up as anyone else but the only difference is that I have an invisible and physically unprovable God supporting me and changing my life. It is not ideal by any human standards but it is the truth.

As Paul best put it:

"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a 'law man' so that i could be GOD's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine" but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."

-Galatians 2:19-21

So, 'Almost Famous' was an incredible film.

Inspirational in its honest portrayal of the exploitive rock scene of the seventies but at the same time it is just an amazingly fun film.

I finally got the patched version of Mother 3/EarthBound 2 and I'm not sure how I feel. It is definetly a Western influenced game so much so in that it has an Old West feel.

Hmm...we'll see how it pans out, already the puns are mercilessly flying left and right.

You think so much about it
and yet you try to hide.
The annoyance is you think
that just because you
limit yourself to such games
that I am just as petty as you.

I wish people could understand that I am sick and I am exhausted and I really want to be left alone.

I wish I wasn't such a hypocritical jerk but I am and I am sick of it.

Drunk Chicken

So tonight was one of those odd nights.

By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"

Overall it was an odd experince.

Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"

But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.

Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.

Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.

I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?

I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.

Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.

Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.

Why am I so freaking depressed right now?

It would be nice if I could be back in my bed, if I could actually relax and furthermore, it would be amazing to not be so stressed out.

I do miss my kitty, lovable fur ball of a Jedi Master.

Galatians 3

It is interesting to think you really have cared about since the beginning, before the creation you thought of me. It is hard to believe that because it requires letting you be what is God and making myself submit to you.

My intellect, my spirituality and my works are all complete garbage in light of you. All of my efforts to be something special are nothing but a rotting and a sham. I've wasted hours agonizing over feeling hurt and scared of no future but you have spent an eternity wanting my attention and wanting to love me.

Is that really true? Do you actually care about me or is just another delusion? I'm so tired I'm becoming paranoid and think I really as am crazy as I'm afraid of being.

v.2-4
"How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God."

I guess I am crazy because I have been trying to live the best life I can from since the time I was about nine. I haven't drank, smoke, had sex or kill twelve people while robbing a bank. I do swear on occasion, enjoy rock music, think technology is a swell idea and I enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.

It is crazy to think any of those actions could save or damn me. The whole idea of salvation in the Bible stretches from Old to New Testament, this idea of a loving and infinite creator in love with his wayward creation that continually chooses to reject his love.

Even with all the sins of the creation, that creator in human form named Jesus (somehow Jesus is God and is His Son at the same time. My head aches and wants to explode)who loves the unlovable and broke stigmas and social status ideas left and right.

The way I live, act and feel about myself is that I am somehow either:

1.Better then the tax collectors, whores, drug addicts and televangelists. That somehow I am genetically superior and am able to work out salvation on my own. That doesn't work so well because one gets a sort of messiah complex in addition to just treating everyone like a jerk.

2.Somehow I am sub-human and am not worthy of love. You get the opposite thing where it's almost like this constant martyr complex where every little pain is supposed to somehow vindicate me. Once again it just shows my deep seated arrogance and how much I think of myself.

It is absolute insanity to continue to repeat the same things time and time again and somehow expect to get something different. It is annoying and agitating to think that this IS a life long process of trial and error. I'm sick of being human, I hate failing day in and day out and feeling like there is no hope. I'm disgusted at my own weakness and how I just want to cry. I'm so tired of THIS. Do you understand? Does it even make any sense as to why I'm so frustrated and annoyed?

v.11
"The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him."

Seriously?
Again, this whole me not doing anything is about to drive me insane.

I want to do something, it doesn't feel right taking grace for free but I KNOW it is the truth and anything else is a lie. I know I have endlessly embrace lies that I call truth but I know you are truth and the truth is in the absolute helplessness I am in. The truth is I have failed and have hit the bottom and I just have nothing but despair and desire to fall over and finally die.

v.12
"Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: 'The one who does these things (rule keeping) continues to live by them'"

Live by the sword and die by the sword? Live by the legalism and you die by it as well. It is this dead end Hell hole with bad plumbing and ice cubes all over the floor. It is annoying as well.

Do I seem annoyed today? I am rather annoyed believe it or not, BECAUSE it seems like my entire freaking world view is wrong, it is tainted and broken and I would like to scream for a bit. Maybe pass out too, lay on the ground and balk a bit, you know the typical stuff a small spoiled child would do. Is it too much to ask Jesus?

v.20
"But the original promise is the DIRECT blessing of God, received by faith."

That does sound nice for once. Direct blessings? Direct love? Direct compassion for the Hell I have made things?

All I have to do is just shut up and be loved...but it is so hard to accept something that terrifies me. It scares me deeply because I still do not know how much I can trust or believe in you. The best thing I can do seems like to just lay down and cry a lot, maybe pray for your mercy in death. But I know that is a cop out and wont' solve anything.

Daddy I need you. This almost schizophrenic level rush of craziness. I don't know how to breath right or how to live, I just need you Daddy. Please, please love me still. Please take this rotten life and turn it into something new.

I know it is sad that it takes a painkiller to make it possible for me to get out of bed (yes the urologist visit yesterday WAS that painful. Believe me you do NOT want details and I'm too embarrassed to share)much less function. I know it is drugs but they were prescribed and seriously, I was in more pain then I was after my surgery...it's just location and such.

So yeah...I am not sure.

I have quite possibly been violated in every possible way in which a doctor can legally violate someone.

Galatians 1

v.6: I can't believe your fickleness - how easily you have turned traitor to him who called you by the grace of Christ by embracing a variant message! It is not a minor variation, you know; it is completely other, an alien message, a no-message, a lie about God.

I am quite agitated by my own fickleness about what I believe. I am angry with how caught up with myself, I am. I'm so frustrated and annoyed and I just almost want to scream.

Some sort of security in You would be nice but I don't even remmeber how to go about finding that anymore.


v.11-12: If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this - I am most emphatic here, friends - this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive through th e traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ.

I have trouble believing anymore, so many things seems simply relative but deep down I know your truth and love you. I'm just worn out and exhausted. I need some sort of renewing, some revival of my decaying spirit.

Music is a language all to itself and the words you sing make me strive to live again. Please do not let me die here Father, please keep loving an evil and uncaring fiend like me. I need You.


Now I've come to a final sleep
I pray that forgiveness is mine to keep
I know it's hard to forgive this man
Driving the failure into your hands
-"Fading Away", Demon Hunter

This cold heartbeat solidifies
every last fear
that it will never last
because it never began.
Oh dear, just how much more
can you take before you die?

Paper Tree

Blank pages flutter down from the shelves.
I knew them but never believed in them.
It's not like I was anything else but me
but here I am.
Life unwritten and hungry for some meaning.
Every word I try to speak gets caught up in my throat,
my heart being ripped out by these sentiments.

Looking at you in that cage,
that horribly metaphorical coffin,
I can't help but remmeber everything I have lost.
Every pain, every tear and every drop of blood
and you have the nerve to pretend everything is okay.
It isn't enough for you to spit on the graves
but then you have to crawl in.
It's not like we didn't hear your moans
and your slight effort at being a saint.
But we simply didn't care for someone so fake.

The pages fall like rain
and I forget simple words.
Basic patterns for life elude
because here I am, just me, waiting.
Waiting for what?
It is this steady rhythm of life.
Distortion in the sky and clouds swell in the sky,
ready to pour their anguish onto the land.

These words cannot redeem or salvage a shred of hope.
They will never restore dignity or placate a broken trust.
It is just these unnerving white papers,
devoid of deliberate purpose
and your touch.

I want to go home.

More Mindlessly Self Indulgent Ramblings

I really wish I was not a jerk.

Really, I sort of disgust myself when I stop to look at myself. How long have I been living this incredible self indulgent lifestyle?

It's like...I want to run away from anything that could be misconstrued as being real...whether it be in work, purpose or most frightening...relationships.

What does it mean to be Matthew Pike?

Ask me that and my initial response will most likely be some random and horrible attempt at dark humor. "That guy who acts like he is something but he is nothing.", "Isn't he that moron who keeps giving me a headache" or my personal favorite "Wasn't he recently voted most likely to be cause of the apocalypse?".

They make me chuckle because I have no sense of taste.

If I could stop with the stupid jokes for longer than five minutes I would stop and realize how funny it is not, especially to those who happen to be in a position of caring about me.

People can only stand being around a black hole of hope and life for so long...and you know, the ironic thing is I just made the stupid self depreciating gesture. Again.

Why does honesty have to be so painful much less so terrifying?

Could I not just be myself longer than a few minutes or must I put up yet another mask so no one (much less myself) will see me for the human I am.

How can I pull all of these loose threads into some sort of coherent understanding?


I want to be understood but at the same time the very thought of being wanted and accepted scares me, it scares me deeply. I want to hide behind other people because it would mean that I will not have to take responsibility.

Just to clarify, I do run from responsibility but at the same time I do understand the necessity of actual work. I haven't just been hiding behind a facade, I have and am experiencing extreme abdominal pain and organs and stones have been removed from my body.

It hasn't been a field day.

I haven't been able to concentrate on even completing any personal projects with the months of freedom while trying to heal because of how constantly stressed out I am.

Home life is acting as a bottomless well of stress, factor in the fact I've almost died because of medical stuff and because of the efforts of someone wanting me to die, throw in the fact I am feeling very torn about the prospect of love and ever being able to be married, I am feeling very distant from God and that we are so far apart right now, I feel as if my very breath is a toxin that is tainting the world, I feel like my purpose is to exist and contribute to the pain flowing through the world, I feel the need to constantly hate myself because of the lack of perfection, I see the perfection of Your love but see the shallow and disgusting grave that my love creates.

All of these factors mean something, they are part of something bigger that I cannot understand. I like to act and put on a show as if I understand but to be perfectly honest I do not know.

It kills me to know that I am so limited in everything.

I wish I could stop being a prick long enough to love my family and be loved by them. It scares me. I can't stand visiting certain friends anymore because they have a home life set up and that feeling is scary. It is unnerving to be an environment of love and acceptance and being wanted.

Being here is like having my lungs constantly compressed, my heart constantly placed in a vice grip, it is as if I receive this constant reassurance that I am a failure incapable of love and that I should not even try.

The thing is, except for a few extreme events that happen every few months nothing really happens. It is just this. This dank and tangible darkness that I am part of.

It feels like I am being swallowed whole by it, it's been a part of my life since I was born and I had escaped it for a few months by going to Mobile for college but really it never left my side.

It's like a deep infection that burns through the night and keeps me awake, it stops me from wanting to go to church, makes me unable to take criticism and much less jokes from family members, it makes me want myself to be permanently damaged and choose to hate me.

There are so many other complicated words, thoughts and feelings in all of this but ultimately I just longed to be loved as me but more than that I want to be moved out of this pit, this desperate hate that consumes me.

This simple pulse of sound and light
burn forth and combine
bursting forth with delight
as they soar and syncopate
with a deeper meaning
that you missed.

Another mostly wasted day with worthless thoughts, worse than all of that they were stupid and pitiful.

I want to feel something more than I am, be something else.

But the problem I keep running into is that I am just me.

Nothing, nothing and nothing.

I want to scream to find some sort of answer, some sort of sanity and relief.

Recollections Going and Gone Wild

I've lost this ability to be transparent...I just want to mask everything in metaphors. Ever since I committed what feels like the unforgettable mistake of opening myself up to relationships while in college...it is just like my soul has done nothing but die.

This has been nothing but a constant downward spiral ever since I said that first yes and was naive enough to open myself up in hope towards incomprehensibly broken humans.

I honestly do not care how dramatic this sounds and you know, I think that is the point. The point is, is that it does hurt. Is that my life has been changed and that it has been a constant train wreck of bad decisions.

It hasn't all been bad, that is not my point but my point is that right now I am a byproduct of all of the bad decisions and bad investments of relationships.

What the hell is it with people and sex?

I'm so happy I'm still a virgin. Kissing can be do empty and devoid of meaning...I don't understand how people can just throw themselves into sex. If I honestly had as empty an experince with sex as I have with something as stupid as a kiss...seriously I think I would kill myself out of depression and despair.

It is tragic how stupid and shortsighted humans are. We look for purpose but only want something that keeps us entertained/feeling good about ourselves/feeling cool. As soon as anything that resembles commitment or sacrifices comes around we run like the cowards we are.

It is disgusting and just heart breaking.

I can't judge them because Jesus was smart enough to say that lusting is enough for someone to be guilty of committing adultery. The heart is where sin is born and my heart is this rotten and pathetic thing.

I just want to scream to the entire world about how senseless this all is, how human I am, how I don't want to care anymore but I do.

I'm sick of being stuck with conditions I never asked or desired to experince. I miss being a child with no real understanding of good or evil, at least I could enjoy life. Now...oh ho, NOW since I have a degree in Jesus and have had my heart ripped apart I know what good and evil is.

I have discovered how everyone lies and no one is good. Everyone is a selfish and apathetic person wanting to run away from the first sign of someone else being human. You may have a small minority who are somehow born more innocent than the rest of us...but I know I am not. I am dirty, angry and exhausted.

I have lived in this disgusting mud for what seems like eternity.

I scream and rage against the walls of this prison and all I get are odd looks. The next person who tells me 'You are only human.', 'Stop thinking and enjoy life' or 'It's okay to be human' are going to get punched in the face. I know I'm human, I can't turn my mind off and be like you and I sure doubt I will ever be comfortable with being something that is not perfect.

It feels disgusting to be made to feel like a freak...simply because I actually bother to see the truth. For bothering to point out the inherent hypocrisy that others so willingly embrace and to know that most everything is forever and ever pointless and devoid of any substantial meaning other than the absolute finite and pathetic 'meaning' we attribute to it.

I can't hide the truth of my hate, my angry, my loneliness, my pain, my isolation and my overwhelming disgust anymore. Being human...being alive feels like nothing more than this living plague where my natural desire is to use and destroy everything around me.

Love?

Don't make me sick.

I hate that word. I've used it in so many ways that it makes me want to vomit.
This stupid lust, those disgusting kisses, those wasted memories those ever growing feelings of being used and just being a piece of meat...yeah baby it was great and all except for the part where seeing your face made me want to shoot myself. Every little reminder is like having a hot knife shoved repeatedly into my stomach and pushed even deeper.

My first love? Never. No more of a need to talk about it because I'm sure she doesn't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm not crazy, crazy people do not stop to wonder if they are crazy. About every fifth thought I have is a worry about being crazy. I'm only crazy in the sense that people would ideally wish for me to shut up or maybe hope I can ran over by a truck or something.

No one wants to face the idea that they consist of nothing more than hypocritical lies that will add up to and mean nothing.

I'm tired of feeling empty and that everything I do is trite and meaningless.

I'm so tired from screaming all of this, I'm so tired for being so broken and hurting.
I'm sick of just everything that I am and I so want to be freed, again.

I can't handle this much longer. You know how much longer I can go before I break down, please keep this in mind. If I break again I have no doubt it will be my last and I won't be able to recover. I need something now before I fall off this cliff, i need something real that can only come from you.

Please.

Somehow I have acted as though my words have meaning,
as if by my feeble expressions I can shift the unknowing
and somehow bend the impossibilities of the eternal
into some comprehensible understanding.

All that is comprehensible in this
is my ignorance and fallacies.
These pretty words painted on porcelain,
hues made to match the stained glass of your mind.
These pretty useless artifacts
serving to only raise our thinly veiled narcissism.

The glass breaks and shatters
cutting flesh and opening the soul with wounds
beyond the surface.
Showing the ugly side of being human,
this lust for pleasure
and hatred of anything pure.
Disgust for anything other than myself.
This narcissistic love.

I hate how freaking pointless almost everything is.

Yeah, you too.

Revised Thoughts Of Life

I'm alive.

It is good to be awake on a morning I otherwise would have not have been aware of, were it not for the good and bad. Both are anchors that pull at me but the beautiful thing is they do keep my grounded.

Both good and bad have purposes and ways they help propel and give purpose.

I'm almost afraid to be myself because I have no clue who I am. It seems like I have just been living in this self focused and self obsessed life forever. The last time I was genuinely happy was when I was doing something that had nothing to do with my own personal happiness or contentment.

So few thoughts can make the sort of sense that you do.
Every word you speak is another synonym,
a meaning of life that is only trite
when I stop to realize the malice
that can only be in absolute fallacy.

Every whispered word at night
followed by such weak sighs,
it is disconcerting.
Are you already tired of playing Jesus?
It hasn't even been a week yet.
You have to be a bit more apt
if you want to play this mindless game.
God love you
because I sure do not.

Duality screams at you,
like the battered shell of your life.
Did you not even realize it was a lie?

It's almost as sad
as this broken attempts
at regulating life
in a box by box mentality
that politics tries to be.

It's almost as sad as the day you left me
but never as happy as when I saw the real you
staring into me,
like a sick animal
only worried about consuming.

Well baby I know the truth,
so please help me by helping you.

Pretty words tonight
just taking up the air,
pretty words tonight
almost feel like a dare.

I could love you or leave you,
hate you or just be me.
But the end result is something
you would never expect to see.

Pleasant days
and dreams of rain.

Hold tight to your steady course
bursting forth on ahead.

You might have miss the point,
unless you actually looked for once.
Bothered to see something deeper
that is beyond your own pretentiously
venomous lips.

Why?

Just why?

It is amazing how sick you make me.
Or is it just myself?

I sure wish i could sleep.

Gee that would be nice actually.

I'm starting the best politics are the kind that would involve launching the earth into the sun.

At least all the debt will go up in smoke! Woo!

Ghetto Zorro Thoughts

Basic Time Line

Pre-2004 - Because of huge debt and an inability to get sufficient donations to fund the expansion programs, the University of Mobile agrees to house experimental power generators in their soon to be built new dorms. These new generators run off of an unknown element suspected to be extraterrestrial.

Fall 2004 - All major players in the Ghetto Zorro Universe attend the University of Mobile as Freshmen. Most important of notice is that the one day heroes known as Ghetto Zorro and Urban Ninja Boy meet each other for the first time, as well as their soon to be mortal foes Darth Zader, Pickpocket Luigi and Emperor Santa (who exists in multiple forms). The only ones to know each other before this time are Andrew and Josh who are to become terrors not only on campus but on a universal scale.

Spring 2005 - By this time all of the main players of the soon to come events know each other and have became friends that regularly spend time together.

March 3rd, 2005 - The time of the emergency alarm begins.

At approximately 3:00 AM on this morning the monitoring alarms for the Power Generators begin to go off causing confusion and chaos in the dorms. Although these are written off as being nothing more than false fire alarms more sinister intentions lay behind closed doors.

March through May - Numerous incidents involving the warning alarms for the generators go off before being eventually removed, the reasoning being that whatever the students do not know will never hurt them.

Fall 2005 - Due to seemingly random events all of Matt's former roommates leave school and Jon and himself become roommates.

-Because of increased budget cuts, the power to the school from outside sources is frequently cut off at inconvenient hours. To a certain degree the experimental generators are able to supplement sufficient power prompting the administration to green light other secretive projects on campus.

...one day the secret experimental generators that had been installed in Samford hall begin to go awry, in big ways.

November 13th 2005

2:05 PM
-Matt and Jon are in their room doing their respective homework when a horrible noise of metal screeching is heard. Everyone on their floor stick their head out their doors but see nothing. Assuming everything is normal they head back but then the entire foundation of the dorm is rocked by an explosion.

Random sections of the dorm are consumed by flames, others simply evaporate from the explosion, still others 'phase' out of existence, simply ceasing to exist.

2:10 PM
-Jon crawls out from beneath his desk feeling disoriented but otherwise fine. Calling out to his friend Matt he turns and is shocked to find that the side of the room inhabited by his roommate had simply dissipated, he could look down and see the second floor room beneath what had been Matt's half of the room.

2:11 PM

Matt awakens to find himself in an ethereal plane of existence, he is simply floating amongst sections of his room and odd parts of Samford Dorm in a seemingly endless void.

2:14 PM

Josh carries his badly injured roommate Andrew from the rubble of their room and Andrew is immediately taken by the swarms of officials and security that were surrounding the disaster area. Josh is left standing there, baffled by the lack of medical personal that seemed to be there. Without warning he collapses and falls into a coma he will not come out of for days.

2:15 PM

Jon had begun his climb out of the wreckage of the third floor using multiple strands of Christmas lights as improvised rope. proximately half way down he plummets the remaining twenty feet and lands in a perfect crouch incurring no damage and surprising himself. Brushing himself off he quickly joins in the hunt for his friends and other survivors, hoping his roommate was to be found.

2:18

Josh and Andrew along with others injured in the explosion are taken to recently built medical facilities that exist in what were former storage areas in Weaver Hall.

2:35 PM

By this time camera crews from various television stations have gathered. Both school and government officials write the explosion off as being nothing more than an unfortunate gas line that was ignited by a series of improbable events. Being caught up in the human drama unfolding before them, be it friends finding friends, families finding loves ones and all mourning the loss, no further questioning over the situation occurs.

2:37

By this time Andrew has begun to be fitted with a special survival suit that includes a body temperature regulator, breathing apparatus and vital signs monitor. Due to the similarity to the iconic villain he is dubbed by the medical personal as being 'Darth Zader'.

Josh is under monitor by those in control of the facilities and every few minutes he seems to seize up and every function of his body freezes. It is later suspected that somehow his body was still interacting with the space time disturbances at the dorm and each 'seize' was the creation of an exact clone of himself.

These clones would be mostly harmless and get themselves killed in seemingly inexplicable ways except for one who would declare himself Emperor Santa and attempt to cause the world to become eternally froze. Always winter but never Christmas.

2:47

Matt was still in the void and although he had not begun to fully understand where he was a sense of understanding had begun to fill him.

More tests, more undetermined results.

Hooray.

I suppose I should not be shocked I cannot sleep, it isn't like getting sleep is actually healthy or beneficial for retaining what few shreds of sanity I currently cling to.

I am...I just...that is just it. I am.

I want to run and hide for every reason but the real reason which is my compulsion to stay.

God I HATE Nightmares

I hate nightmares...what details I remember:

-The initial setup was similar to my first church Providence except there was a huge sewer system around.-One of the older ladies, one I held dearest wasnted to die.
-After she euthanized herself all Hell broke loose. It become some sort of cross between Lord of the Flies with a dark, Matrix Online feel.
-The set up of the area became like Mobile's campus and I was in the equivalent of Ingram/Machine hiding but for some stupid reason I went to Zion/Samford. A fight broke out there and people were cannibalizing one another. I took a few bites myself but I think I escaped.
-The last part with the matrix ovetones...we were all clones. Being bitten and loosing flesh I didn't bleed, it was this sappy stuff. Some kind of clone internment camp. All the guard where of a cloned character theme from the matrix.
-Before all Hell broke loose there were some crepy stuff in the sewer, people disappearing, lot's of unexplored rooms and some kind of thing or person who was killing people.
-My mom was there in the beginning, for some reason I told her she was beautiful, there was a picture of her from her senior year in high school. I said she was still beautiful, maybe not exactly the same eye stopper now but beautiful all the same. I'm fairly sure she was one of the first people to die when all Hell began breaking loose and there was nothing I can do.

I don't believe I can or want to remember anymore but my throat and mouth are on fire, I have no drink but I'm terrified of going to get one since it is sill dark.

God, what are you letting happen to me?

God I can't stand much more of this.

I hate myself so much and want to throw up...I want to just be rid of so much of me.

Is there no peace? No simple salvation from the pain?

It is such an odd jest of faith, that the most important thing in my life is that which I run from and cannot tell others.

You simply offer yourself and in fear I hurt you and hurt myself.

I run like a coward and hide behind this stupid covers and hope you leave me...but you never do.

I want to find myself so I can die, I want to die so I can maybe live and I want to live so I can try to believe in Your love.

Things are so...I do not know.

It is hard for me to pretend I have any sort of grasp on anything. I'm in pain physically I still want to pray for death, want to indulge my weakness and lay here and hope my life leaves quickly.

The tears turn red from the blood and all I know is I love you. I hate me but I love you. I love me and try to love you but all I end up doing hurting you worse. This stark tension could be cut with a knife but I enjoy being separated so much. The sick and broken part of me loves the attention you shower on me, seeing you beg and plead for my affection to be returned. I enjoy seeing people fawn over my sickness and am afraid if I ever get healthy than I will be alone. Worse yet I will have to make life changing decisions and risk absolute failure, all for what?

All for what? Life and its own sake.

So close and so far at the time same, our hearts beat byt not in sync or in tempo, just in a longing desire to be near, once again.

I want to go Home.

Please.

Well I feel dumb now. >_<

Sleep?

Please?

Even though I am trying so damn hard I cannot fake being happy. I feel so confused, so lost, so alone right now...I mean...words are lacking in my mind and vocabulary to try and describe this...to understand and maybe even try to rationalize this...but the more I try the more I fail. The greater the effort I put forth the ever greater failure I experience.

Why can I not sleep? Can I at least have a decent amount of rest so I can try to confront this damnable life? Is the only plan you have is for me to become sicker and more angry and more paranoid?

It would be nice to actually have someone genuinely say everything will be alright but I know, I know you give no promises like that. It is pure bullshit to say You want us to be in a situation where we are healthy, happy and full of material wealth. You only promise pain and suffering and if that is what I am to bear in life, if this is my lot then I ask you to please forgive my lack of faith and the absence of compassion.

You created me and rescued me from my own Hells time and again, so what now? I can't pretend to understand, to know what is right or wrong. So many things I hae taken for granted and I have lost them.

Is the night soon to overtake me? How much longer will I be able to walk in this day before the night steals my breath away?

I am so tired. I do not know if I even desire to walk forward anymore.

I just, I have never been this spread thin, this exhausted...this...ready to have it all end in one fell swoop.

If you are even real, if you love me, please let this be the end of either my despair ot the end of my life in this moral realm.

I cannot hang onto promises and just words, I need strength, a vigor that died years ago. My breath is hard to take and my sight grows darker.

Whatever is your will please let it be. Regardless of my destination and health, as long as I am next to you I will make it.

Just, please do not forget me.
Please.

Seriously, what is up with all of you people, friend I mean, getting married?

Slow down.

Some of us are still too immature and unsure of ourselves. If all of you get married without me then who am I going to hang out with?!?

I really wish things were much less complicated and so less exacerbatingly exhausting.

In so many ways I have demonstrated my failure at obedience and love. God, I'm so sick of this. I feel so nauseated and I want to throw up and taint these stupid trophies I have valued more than your love.

I want to throw myself away and learn to love you.

What happened to that child who fell in love with you?

I'm so sick of this person I play as and pretend to be. I hate his stupid smile and his broken body. I hate how he lusts for power, control, dominace through manipulation and to be loved and wanted by everyone. I hate how he desires to see others suffer so he can look better, I hate his idiotic grin and his playing at being something special.

How can I repulse myself so much?

Another morning another time for me to feel like my insides are on fire.

Did I at some point say something really, really, really stupid and this is your way to get my attention?

I don't know how long I can go on with increasing pain...I know I'm not the only person in this world...but still.

Please help me here, please.

Boy I really should stop caring so much.
It would make my head hurt a whole lot less.
And stop getting me in so many freaking awkward situations.

What do you think Jesus?

A little help please?

Flowing Ebb of Time

Time is running at a standstill.

Ebbing, pooling and stealing.

It is like I can feel the pulsating life
echoing around me
in this room
as if it were a cavern
or a chamber.

There is this feeling of disconcertion,
maybe something you know as being
something like disconcerting,
anxiety and the anxious one.

Reverberating screams echo in my head
just inside of here.
Within reach and out of sight,
a contradiction, correct?
The inside being out
and the outsides consisting of you.
It is not like this enigma wrote itself
or thought itself into existence.
It was born at your request,
small words I doubt you can recall.

The beauty is you can gaze at this structure,
this attempt at meaning and find nothing.
Not even a realization that you bore this
all to fruition.
Words, sighs and angry screams.
Every last expression trapped
in an attempt at art.
Frustration builds at the moment
and realization of the surrounding cages.

Every bond and every relationship
a potential lie and the cage
of one paranoid and deluded in self.
It isn't just a simple note or riff,
it is more.
More than you can process or know right now.
If you looked close and saw it,
your hair would turn white
and you would die locked in an expression
betraying your absolute horror
at this creation,
this being made as me.

Is it hate?
The betrayal of self?
Or something simple,
like ignorance?
Dates, meaningless numbers
pile into the stream of life.
Days flow into one another
much like the water
spilled from heaven
onto your perfect white dress
and your trifled filled wedding day.

You aren't alone in this,
the one living in ignorance.
To point the finger blindly is one thing
but to realize how annoyingly true
I am is another point all together.
It isn't a choice I made either
because if I choose
it makes me responsible.
Not like you,
free to run into your life.
Free to run away,
free from burden,
free from responsibility
freed like your broken sexuality.
Like I said a free time
to point my fingers
and pretend I'm something else,
something special
and someone not choking to death
on my own stale hypocrisy.

Something that angers me beyond thought,
beyond reason
and beyond truth and convention
is the fact I have myself to blame.
I have this nihilistic tendency
to embrace truth and corrupt it,
wear as a badge and devour it,
just to be left with nothing.

Nothing that is something.
A mad leap from thought to thought
state of being to the next,
a redundant trip down this rabbit hole
a racing screaming train leaving the tracks
and breaking into reality.

It runs like this.
This steady heart beat of thought.
Empty at first.
But quickly races across the stage.
Figures and symbols cloud the page
as soon as the fingers press down
to acknowledge their existence.
It is a half life
that is a full lie.

Nothing could be further from any truth
that you lay claim to.

We are both tired and we weep.
Weep for joy, for fear and freedom.
We weep because we are afraid to live
and take this very next breath
for fear of our heart beat
and the fact the next pulse
could be the very last.

Time.
Constructed and flowing.
I do not know why I let this happen.
Let myself be pulled
instead of standing firm and pulling back.

It is almost sort of funny.
In a sickeningly real sort of way.

Something real but not.

Sort of poetic in a strange way.

Time consuming and flowing,
trapping you and me.
Uniting in ways
we fear to hate.
But true,
in ever sense of way.

Hearing the guitar playing of someone who just found out they may be dying, soon that is, is quite disturbing.

Right now I am not sure if I should say hey...so...um...'Hey?'