Okay, listen please.

I fully realize how absolutely silly it is for me to be THIS stressed with very few reasons but the fact of the matter is that these ARE big factors but not SO BIG I should be almost paralyzed with fear at making a decision. This should be so much easier than it is but it is not.

You know? So what? What now?

I mean my personal desire is to curl up in a ball and whimper or something...and I'm not saying that won't happen at least once or twice in the coming weeks but I would like to be a wee bit more practical in actually achieving and doing something worthwhile.

I'm just...I'm freaking out because I want to be in control. I've been saying no and trying to avoid any real decisions because I'm scared of pain and failure. I keep trying to live life in this sterile bubble of angry cynicism where I constantly want to shove people away and hide under my own bizarre views on life.

Thank you for loving me through this absolutely insane life of uncertain insanity.

It helps to type this, almost like I am taking a fresh breath of air after weeks and maybe even months of just holding it.

Please, please, please help me to make the right decisions but at the same time HELP ME to make DECISIONS. It feels like I have a three hundred pound gorilla sitting on my shoulders and hitting my head with a daily planner made from the lost souls of the damned and departed that could never be anything but underachievers.

Dramatic? Most certainly.
How I feel? Yes.

I want to make the right decisions. Please help me, I need YOU, nothing else. But I do need something before this world just kind of explodes in on me. You know?