More Mindlessly Self Indulgent Ramblings

I really wish I was not a jerk.

Really, I sort of disgust myself when I stop to look at myself. How long have I been living this incredible self indulgent lifestyle?

It's like...I want to run away from anything that could be misconstrued as being real...whether it be in work, purpose or most frightening...relationships.

What does it mean to be Matthew Pike?

Ask me that and my initial response will most likely be some random and horrible attempt at dark humor. "That guy who acts like he is something but he is nothing.", "Isn't he that moron who keeps giving me a headache" or my personal favorite "Wasn't he recently voted most likely to be cause of the apocalypse?".

They make me chuckle because I have no sense of taste.

If I could stop with the stupid jokes for longer than five minutes I would stop and realize how funny it is not, especially to those who happen to be in a position of caring about me.

People can only stand being around a black hole of hope and life for so long...and you know, the ironic thing is I just made the stupid self depreciating gesture. Again.

Why does honesty have to be so painful much less so terrifying?

Could I not just be myself longer than a few minutes or must I put up yet another mask so no one (much less myself) will see me for the human I am.

How can I pull all of these loose threads into some sort of coherent understanding?


I want to be understood but at the same time the very thought of being wanted and accepted scares me, it scares me deeply. I want to hide behind other people because it would mean that I will not have to take responsibility.

Just to clarify, I do run from responsibility but at the same time I do understand the necessity of actual work. I haven't just been hiding behind a facade, I have and am experiencing extreme abdominal pain and organs and stones have been removed from my body.

It hasn't been a field day.

I haven't been able to concentrate on even completing any personal projects with the months of freedom while trying to heal because of how constantly stressed out I am.

Home life is acting as a bottomless well of stress, factor in the fact I've almost died because of medical stuff and because of the efforts of someone wanting me to die, throw in the fact I am feeling very torn about the prospect of love and ever being able to be married, I am feeling very distant from God and that we are so far apart right now, I feel as if my very breath is a toxin that is tainting the world, I feel like my purpose is to exist and contribute to the pain flowing through the world, I feel the need to constantly hate myself because of the lack of perfection, I see the perfection of Your love but see the shallow and disgusting grave that my love creates.

All of these factors mean something, they are part of something bigger that I cannot understand. I like to act and put on a show as if I understand but to be perfectly honest I do not know.

It kills me to know that I am so limited in everything.

I wish I could stop being a prick long enough to love my family and be loved by them. It scares me. I can't stand visiting certain friends anymore because they have a home life set up and that feeling is scary. It is unnerving to be an environment of love and acceptance and being wanted.

Being here is like having my lungs constantly compressed, my heart constantly placed in a vice grip, it is as if I receive this constant reassurance that I am a failure incapable of love and that I should not even try.

The thing is, except for a few extreme events that happen every few months nothing really happens. It is just this. This dank and tangible darkness that I am part of.

It feels like I am being swallowed whole by it, it's been a part of my life since I was born and I had escaped it for a few months by going to Mobile for college but really it never left my side.

It's like a deep infection that burns through the night and keeps me awake, it stops me from wanting to go to church, makes me unable to take criticism and much less jokes from family members, it makes me want myself to be permanently damaged and choose to hate me.

There are so many other complicated words, thoughts and feelings in all of this but ultimately I just longed to be loved as me but more than that I want to be moved out of this pit, this desperate hate that consumes me.