Galatians 3

It is interesting to think you really have cared about since the beginning, before the creation you thought of me. It is hard to believe that because it requires letting you be what is God and making myself submit to you.

My intellect, my spirituality and my works are all complete garbage in light of you. All of my efforts to be something special are nothing but a rotting and a sham. I've wasted hours agonizing over feeling hurt and scared of no future but you have spent an eternity wanting my attention and wanting to love me.

Is that really true? Do you actually care about me or is just another delusion? I'm so tired I'm becoming paranoid and think I really as am crazy as I'm afraid of being.

v.2-4
"How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God."

I guess I am crazy because I have been trying to live the best life I can from since the time I was about nine. I haven't drank, smoke, had sex or kill twelve people while robbing a bank. I do swear on occasion, enjoy rock music, think technology is a swell idea and I enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.

It is crazy to think any of those actions could save or damn me. The whole idea of salvation in the Bible stretches from Old to New Testament, this idea of a loving and infinite creator in love with his wayward creation that continually chooses to reject his love.

Even with all the sins of the creation, that creator in human form named Jesus (somehow Jesus is God and is His Son at the same time. My head aches and wants to explode)who loves the unlovable and broke stigmas and social status ideas left and right.

The way I live, act and feel about myself is that I am somehow either:

1.Better then the tax collectors, whores, drug addicts and televangelists. That somehow I am genetically superior and am able to work out salvation on my own. That doesn't work so well because one gets a sort of messiah complex in addition to just treating everyone like a jerk.

2.Somehow I am sub-human and am not worthy of love. You get the opposite thing where it's almost like this constant martyr complex where every little pain is supposed to somehow vindicate me. Once again it just shows my deep seated arrogance and how much I think of myself.

It is absolute insanity to continue to repeat the same things time and time again and somehow expect to get something different. It is annoying and agitating to think that this IS a life long process of trial and error. I'm sick of being human, I hate failing day in and day out and feeling like there is no hope. I'm disgusted at my own weakness and how I just want to cry. I'm so tired of THIS. Do you understand? Does it even make any sense as to why I'm so frustrated and annoyed?

v.11
"The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him."

Seriously?
Again, this whole me not doing anything is about to drive me insane.

I want to do something, it doesn't feel right taking grace for free but I KNOW it is the truth and anything else is a lie. I know I have endlessly embrace lies that I call truth but I know you are truth and the truth is in the absolute helplessness I am in. The truth is I have failed and have hit the bottom and I just have nothing but despair and desire to fall over and finally die.

v.12
"Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: 'The one who does these things (rule keeping) continues to live by them'"

Live by the sword and die by the sword? Live by the legalism and you die by it as well. It is this dead end Hell hole with bad plumbing and ice cubes all over the floor. It is annoying as well.

Do I seem annoyed today? I am rather annoyed believe it or not, BECAUSE it seems like my entire freaking world view is wrong, it is tainted and broken and I would like to scream for a bit. Maybe pass out too, lay on the ground and balk a bit, you know the typical stuff a small spoiled child would do. Is it too much to ask Jesus?

v.20
"But the original promise is the DIRECT blessing of God, received by faith."

That does sound nice for once. Direct blessings? Direct love? Direct compassion for the Hell I have made things?

All I have to do is just shut up and be loved...but it is so hard to accept something that terrifies me. It scares me deeply because I still do not know how much I can trust or believe in you. The best thing I can do seems like to just lay down and cry a lot, maybe pray for your mercy in death. But I know that is a cop out and wont' solve anything.

Daddy I need you. This almost schizophrenic level rush of craziness. I don't know how to breath right or how to live, I just need you Daddy. Please, please love me still. Please take this rotten life and turn it into something new.