Covered in Darkness

I'm laying here listening to music, letting the sound of piano try and lull me to a state of mind where maybe I can sleep...there is nothing but the light of this laptop and the darkness which swirls in and out of being as I shift and move.

Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.

Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.

The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?

Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?

Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.

Growing hope.

Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.

Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.

I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.

So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.

Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.

"I'm a fool for you...no more, no less"

"Who waits forever anyway?"

...I do actually.
Just saying.

It is infuriatingly frustrating that every time I think I have 'grown up' I manage to find a way to proving to myself that I have years left before I even reach that point...

Ack.

Why must the soul be so quick to taint and so slow to learn?

I suppose there is a reason...I'm just too tired to really formulate much thought on it right now...

A drop of water in this desert...

Psalm 97

"You who love the Lord, hate evil!
He protects the lives of his godly people
and rescues them from the power of the wicked.
Light shines on the godly,
and joy on those whose hearts are right.
May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord
and praise his holy name!"
-Psalm 97:10-12

Fear, praise...hope and hating of this darkness within me and in this world...
My heart is so cold and like stone so often...certain things will never pierce me or convict me...please break me so I will always have compassion for the poor, the broken, the addicted, the hopeless...those who need you most.

Even when they have hurt me so bad.

Teach me to have compassion...to protect myself and my beloved...but to still be faithful to your commands to love to the very end...

Joy, hope, grace, forgiveness...reality...truth...

Love, such burning and pure love which enters my soul and refuses to be content with just occupying the first chamber...but demands all of me...mind, body and soul...help me surrender to the flames of your passion, of your desire for union for us...and for me to forgive and be forgiven...oh grace...grace...grace...

Meh, I can't believe how whiny I am when I am so sleepy.
Ack. >_< I have half a mind to travel back in time and slap myself.

Oh well...I feel better...I just wish I wasn't so nauseated and dizzy...you can't win them all...so thank you for letting me be alive Daddy. ^_^

I'm tired of the base...the darker self...the gauntlet of emotions that I run every time a minor imperfection appears.

I want to breath.
I want feel free.
Even from the addiction of self hate.

Can I ever be free to just enjoy the perfect imperfections of life?
Without this crippling need for perfection and the want to throw a fit just because every single sub atomic particle isn't floating my way?

I disgust myself because I can have everything 'perfect' and a simple, minor detail can go wrong and I freak out...and...just...

I am, I am, I am.
Such wonderful ignorance
mixed with sin.

I don't know.
Only You do.
I am too exhausted to sort this crap out and the medications are starting to overpower me.


Just...please don't leave me here all alone.
Please.

hURT...

I sometimes have to wonder...if love requires more faith than I can ever truly possess.

It is amazing what fear can cause...the emotions it evokes and how much energy it can drain.

I guess I am overly dramatic.
...is this bad in and of itself?
What change should I make...would I make to just...

I know and I don't know what my base problem is.
At the same time.
In the full extremes.


"I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

Psalm 96

"Sing to the Lord; praise his name.
Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.
Tell everyone about the amazing things he does."
-Psalm 96:2-3

The darkest reaches of my soul flee from the light and try to carry the rest of me there...under this groomed exterior of silence and meekness is this raging sea of anger, judgmental attitudes, fear, rage, lust, hate and every vile thing that ever was or will be.

My potential for evil knows no end and I have paid for it...as well as others.

Yet, my Jesus never has given up on me.
The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world looked and saw how stupid I would be...yet not only was my name called but you love me...love me for reasons I will never understand.

I am so broken, so needy, so selfish, so quick to get angry over nothing in this house...and yet, you love me through every unlovable moment I have.



You are mighty, so wonderful and amazing for loving me.
You could have left me to my sin but you didn't...thank you Daddy.
I want this love to become deeper, more intimate...I want the union between us to be so strong that the world will know.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...I'm so sorry for the past, for those I have caused pain...I will never be able to fix it...but please help me to live honestly and sincerely...and just openly about my failures and the grace you have given to fix it, to fix me...to love me.

Thank you again and again Daddy, thank you.

Song of Songs 2:10-14

" My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely."
-Song of Songs 2:10-14

Psalm 95

"For the Lord is a great God,
a great King above all gods.
He holds in his hands the depths of the earth
and the mightiest mountains.
The sea belongs to him, for he made it.
His hands formed the dry land, too."
-Psalm 95:3-5


There is every reason in the world to not be thankful...and every reason in the world to complain, be bitter, angry and throw about the place sulking while in pain. The harder thing is to make myself be grateful...to breath, to take in the air around me and savor it.

To realize that TODAY is the day I live out the salvation relationship bought by Christ's blood...second by second, minute by minute this life is fading, just passing away.

Now is the chance I have to simply be.
I was dead and now I am alive.
I was found as the poison worked its way through my soul.
Who am I, that such beauty could be mine?
Who am I, that the Creator would take notice of me?

Such love,
such affection,
such beauty
for one who is so close to being a beast
if not a monster, as it were.

The thoughts linger and flicker in my mind
and pour through the wounds in my heart
as I try am hurt
and break as I live
causing more pain
to those around me.

But as the old hymn says

"Mercy there was great
and grace was free,
pardon there was multiplied to me,
there my burdened soul
found liberty,
at Calvary."

I can have a hard heart that refuses to feel...or I can feel pain, feel this grace and be pierced deep...I want your words to shake me, to break me down and have your grace and Spirit build me up as the man you made me to be.

You are so wonderful, so beautiful, so powerful, so intoxicating...even when I am in such pain and feel so alone at times...You are good, You are wonderful, so beautiful to me.

Even to me Daddy.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.

It's harder to be joyful or really even grateful while in so much frigging pain...but I am still going to try...

I never knew such joy was possible.

My heart feels as though it might burst from the love that you have poured into it Daddy...and just giving me the blessing of knowing her.

Even if somehow...someway...everything was taken away tomorrow I would grieve...but still this joy would remain beyond any pain...because blessed is your name, you give and take away but blessed be you for being so beautiful, so wonderful and so amazing to such an undeserving people and one like I.

Please nurture my faith so I can become stronger and not repeat the sins and mistakes of the past...I want to be able to help and not hurt...I want to be open and honest...not just stagnating in religion.




"Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done

Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me

But if you can’t close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine

Be still my heart, I hear your back cracking
It sounds like music to me
I see your face and I can hardly breath
It looks just like a song to me"

"Woke up this morning
And I just had to thank God for my life"

Quote of the Day:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 92

"You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me!
I sing for joy because of what you have done.
O Lord, what great works you do!
And how deep are your thoughts."
-Psalm 92:4-5


Thrill...yes.
That is a magnificent word for what you keep doing for me Daddy.
I have to ask...why me?
Not in the whispered moans of pain as I have in the past...but in the exulted whispers of one who never knew such joy was possible...

For those on the outside looking in...yes it has something to do with the changes, the beauty, the hope...but no at the same time!

You have carried me so far.
I've been alive for twenty-four years.
So much pain, so much sin, so much change for pain...but you have brought me out of the dark, you have carried me, loved me...taken care of me.

I love you.
I love you.
My words will never be enough
to give justice
for how I was broken
and abandoned to despair,
yet my Lover found me
and is redeeming me.

Even with this pain
I can breath freely.
My soul has never been alone
and my hand is held at night
even when distance keeps us apart,
drawing the two of us to where we must go.

Love, love, love.
Such beauty.
Such divine rest.

I am trying to remember how to write...

Midnight Rage and Redemption of Time

I have thoughts that are flitting about in my mind that I need to get out before they just break out with a chisel like Athena.

I should be working on a paper...but maybe if I work this out now I can be free to write later.


I hate anger.
That is sort of a contradiction in terms I know.
But for whatever reason I feel emotions in extreme.
Love.
Passion.
Adoration.
Adulation.
Sorrow.
Regret.
And Rage.

Maybe it is because I have grown up seeing what sort of manipulating bastards men are capable of being...but I feel grossly uncomfortable around most men. There are so many holes in my being from not really knowing my dad that I think it contributes to my emotions being so lopsided at times...and why I am so afraid of who I am.

It is so easy to hide who you are.
Especially on the internet.
I really am not sure who I am.

However I see my face in the mirror and know of the monster which lurks beneath the skin. Such incredible rage at the thought of my beloved being harmed...and why?
For manipulation and glee.

Anytime I hear of someone being used, cajoled, manipulated and used...I feel the flame inside of me begin the process of not just igniting, but exploding into being.

I feel such intense rage that it scares me.
I suppose the point is to learn how to channel this into something productive and not destructive...any emotion can be dangerous but this rage...so much more chance for sin and hurt.



If I systematically destroyed the one who hurt...and daresay at times acts to threaten...my beloved...what would that accomplish? It merely gives the sick pleasure their mind seeks...the validation that they are worthless and have no reason to change.

However sacrificing either of us to their flames is not something I will do.

Instead of becoming the monster along with Nathan...finding excuses to isolate everything I love from the world...I will refuse to sink to their level and play these ridiculous dramatic games.

Evil can hide in any shape and form...but ultimately it is the twisting of something that once was beautiful, pure and divinely made. I refuse to play this game of violence begetting violence...not just in the physical form but more important in the realm of the spiritual.

Evil cannot stand to be treated as being the ultimate failure and insignificant force it is in the light of eternity...the spirit of both Satan and Anti-Christ are such weak and fledgling voices that they will not last beyond this quickly ending night.


I never knew beauty until I felt grace.
I never knew love until the Lamb came
and took my place at the altar.
Such intense agony
for one as flimsy as I
and yet never has their been regret
on the part of the Lamb.

Instead of destroying me
there has been blessing
upon endless blessing
poured upon me
and grace,
such sweet grace
that I could never have dared to dream of
has been mine and my Love's to share
in the recesses of my heart.

And still...you brought us together.
Through trials, tears and tribulation
on the short paths we have walked thus,
we met at the only time we could have
and now...this bond of two friends
becoming more.

What perfect madness.
Means of which I can never know
except for me to say thank you
and pray for strength
and grace anew for every day.

"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop
Some of us may bite your hand but some of us will not
And every knee will bow before you, each forked tongue confess
My selfishness will rot in me and I will seek your rest
Still some lizards flee from you, ashamed of all they've been
So Jesus take myself from me, never bring it back again

The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name"

Carl Henry just made a slight against Kierkegaard and existentialism.

We are getting irritated with fundamentalists.
Yes we are.

~_~

Quote of the Day:

"Here are the two best prayers I know: 'Help me, help me, help me' and 'Thank you, thank you, thank you.'"
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 91

" The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”"
-Psalm 91:14-16

To love is to trust, to begin to trust is to open my soul, heart and mind to you further...throughout your word and in my life you have spoken to me and made promises; promises to love me and never reject me, promises that you have plans for me, promises that you will never leave or forsake me...and my faith is still so very small so often.

Thank you so much for not basing your love on any of my performances, for treating me like I treat you...for you are so very faithful when all I can think to do is sulk, cry, get angry, throw fits...but you, you are so loving, you have carried me and love me so very much.

I want to start organizing my life and getting things in order for being an adult so I can responsible with the the time, money, relationships and the Love you have entrusted to me. I want to be faithful, faithful like your Son was even to the point of a horrible death on a cross for my sins.

Please help me to learn how to be faithful in the small things today, now...so I can become the godly man you need me to be...that she needs me to be...the one you envisioned me being when you called my name when I was nine and fourteen.


I feel this joy in my heart that is exploding.
I love you, I love you so much.
Every day I learn to love you more.
Oh how I adore your name.
You who called me out of the grave,
gave me a purpose and a new name.
You have made us sons and daughters,
coheirs of the most high.
Blessed are you sweet Lamb of God
who was slain from the foundation of the world
in order to bring salvation to the saints.
May we praise you with clean lips
and hearts that have been broken,
may we praise you day and night
in the highest mountains of light
and in the darkest valleys of frightful night.

You alone are God
and you alone are worthy of praise.
Thank you Abba,
thank you for letting us call you Daddy.

Overflow us with your Holy Spirit
so that we might feel and love again.
Shatter these hearts of iron and stone
so that we may never be deaf to the pain of sin.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Psalm 90

"Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see you work again;
let our children see your glory.
And may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful!"
-Psalm 90:14-17

Such love...can it be mine?
I do not understand how intoxicating you can be...but when I am apart, when I do not pray or read your word...there is this void, this emptiness...please come close again, never let me leave you again!

I want to find contentment in you, I want to find peace in you...not fading things in this world...but in simply being obedient to you.

Thank you for blessing me with so much love, such impossible blessings...so wonderful, so grand...you are so amazing Daddy...thank you.

I can look down the road and see things coming...so many possibilities...but what of You? What can I do to delight you? To make you smile?
I want to show you love...after all you have done for me...I just want to thank you and love you more...

Peace, in a sea of raging doubt and discord.
Hope, in a night that is full of dark terror.
Love, in an hour of hopelessness.

Such blessed beauty.
Such undeniable assertions of the heart.