"Woke up this morning
And I just had to thank God for my life"

Quote of the Day:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 92

"You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me!
I sing for joy because of what you have done.
O Lord, what great works you do!
And how deep are your thoughts."
-Psalm 92:4-5


Thrill...yes.
That is a magnificent word for what you keep doing for me Daddy.
I have to ask...why me?
Not in the whispered moans of pain as I have in the past...but in the exulted whispers of one who never knew such joy was possible...

For those on the outside looking in...yes it has something to do with the changes, the beauty, the hope...but no at the same time!

You have carried me so far.
I've been alive for twenty-four years.
So much pain, so much sin, so much change for pain...but you have brought me out of the dark, you have carried me, loved me...taken care of me.

I love you.
I love you.
My words will never be enough
to give justice
for how I was broken
and abandoned to despair,
yet my Lover found me
and is redeeming me.

Even with this pain
I can breath freely.
My soul has never been alone
and my hand is held at night
even when distance keeps us apart,
drawing the two of us to where we must go.

Love, love, love.
Such beauty.
Such divine rest.

I am trying to remember how to write...

Midnight Rage and Redemption of Time

I have thoughts that are flitting about in my mind that I need to get out before they just break out with a chisel like Athena.

I should be working on a paper...but maybe if I work this out now I can be free to write later.


I hate anger.
That is sort of a contradiction in terms I know.
But for whatever reason I feel emotions in extreme.
Love.
Passion.
Adoration.
Adulation.
Sorrow.
Regret.
And Rage.

Maybe it is because I have grown up seeing what sort of manipulating bastards men are capable of being...but I feel grossly uncomfortable around most men. There are so many holes in my being from not really knowing my dad that I think it contributes to my emotions being so lopsided at times...and why I am so afraid of who I am.

It is so easy to hide who you are.
Especially on the internet.
I really am not sure who I am.

However I see my face in the mirror and know of the monster which lurks beneath the skin. Such incredible rage at the thought of my beloved being harmed...and why?
For manipulation and glee.

Anytime I hear of someone being used, cajoled, manipulated and used...I feel the flame inside of me begin the process of not just igniting, but exploding into being.

I feel such intense rage that it scares me.
I suppose the point is to learn how to channel this into something productive and not destructive...any emotion can be dangerous but this rage...so much more chance for sin and hurt.



If I systematically destroyed the one who hurt...and daresay at times acts to threaten...my beloved...what would that accomplish? It merely gives the sick pleasure their mind seeks...the validation that they are worthless and have no reason to change.

However sacrificing either of us to their flames is not something I will do.

Instead of becoming the monster along with Nathan...finding excuses to isolate everything I love from the world...I will refuse to sink to their level and play these ridiculous dramatic games.

Evil can hide in any shape and form...but ultimately it is the twisting of something that once was beautiful, pure and divinely made. I refuse to play this game of violence begetting violence...not just in the physical form but more important in the realm of the spiritual.

Evil cannot stand to be treated as being the ultimate failure and insignificant force it is in the light of eternity...the spirit of both Satan and Anti-Christ are such weak and fledgling voices that they will not last beyond this quickly ending night.


I never knew beauty until I felt grace.
I never knew love until the Lamb came
and took my place at the altar.
Such intense agony
for one as flimsy as I
and yet never has their been regret
on the part of the Lamb.

Instead of destroying me
there has been blessing
upon endless blessing
poured upon me
and grace,
such sweet grace
that I could never have dared to dream of
has been mine and my Love's to share
in the recesses of my heart.

And still...you brought us together.
Through trials, tears and tribulation
on the short paths we have walked thus,
we met at the only time we could have
and now...this bond of two friends
becoming more.

What perfect madness.
Means of which I can never know
except for me to say thank you
and pray for strength
and grace anew for every day.

"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop
Some of us may bite your hand but some of us will not
And every knee will bow before you, each forked tongue confess
My selfishness will rot in me and I will seek your rest
Still some lizards flee from you, ashamed of all they've been
So Jesus take myself from me, never bring it back again

The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name"

Carl Henry just made a slight against Kierkegaard and existentialism.

We are getting irritated with fundamentalists.
Yes we are.

~_~

Quote of the Day:

"Here are the two best prayers I know: 'Help me, help me, help me' and 'Thank you, thank you, thank you.'"
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 91

" The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”"
-Psalm 91:14-16

To love is to trust, to begin to trust is to open my soul, heart and mind to you further...throughout your word and in my life you have spoken to me and made promises; promises to love me and never reject me, promises that you have plans for me, promises that you will never leave or forsake me...and my faith is still so very small so often.

Thank you so much for not basing your love on any of my performances, for treating me like I treat you...for you are so very faithful when all I can think to do is sulk, cry, get angry, throw fits...but you, you are so loving, you have carried me and love me so very much.

I want to start organizing my life and getting things in order for being an adult so I can responsible with the the time, money, relationships and the Love you have entrusted to me. I want to be faithful, faithful like your Son was even to the point of a horrible death on a cross for my sins.

Please help me to learn how to be faithful in the small things today, now...so I can become the godly man you need me to be...that she needs me to be...the one you envisioned me being when you called my name when I was nine and fourteen.


I feel this joy in my heart that is exploding.
I love you, I love you so much.
Every day I learn to love you more.
Oh how I adore your name.
You who called me out of the grave,
gave me a purpose and a new name.
You have made us sons and daughters,
coheirs of the most high.
Blessed are you sweet Lamb of God
who was slain from the foundation of the world
in order to bring salvation to the saints.
May we praise you with clean lips
and hearts that have been broken,
may we praise you day and night
in the highest mountains of light
and in the darkest valleys of frightful night.

You alone are God
and you alone are worthy of praise.
Thank you Abba,
thank you for letting us call you Daddy.

Overflow us with your Holy Spirit
so that we might feel and love again.
Shatter these hearts of iron and stone
so that we may never be deaf to the pain of sin.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Psalm 90

"Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see you work again;
let our children see your glory.
And may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful!"
-Psalm 90:14-17

Such love...can it be mine?
I do not understand how intoxicating you can be...but when I am apart, when I do not pray or read your word...there is this void, this emptiness...please come close again, never let me leave you again!

I want to find contentment in you, I want to find peace in you...not fading things in this world...but in simply being obedient to you.

Thank you for blessing me with so much love, such impossible blessings...so wonderful, so grand...you are so amazing Daddy...thank you.

I can look down the road and see things coming...so many possibilities...but what of You? What can I do to delight you? To make you smile?
I want to show you love...after all you have done for me...I just want to thank you and love you more...

Peace, in a sea of raging doubt and discord.
Hope, in a night that is full of dark terror.
Love, in an hour of hopelessness.

Such blessed beauty.
Such undeniable assertions of the heart.

"I'd listen to the words he'd say
but in his voice I heard decay
the plastic face forced to portray
all the insides left cold and gray
there is a place that still remains
it eats the fear it eats the pain
the sweetest price he'll have to pay
the day the whole world went away"

Psalm 88

"O Lord, God of my salvation,
I cry out to you by day.
I come to you at night.
Now hear my prayer;
listen to my cry.
For my life is full of troubles,
and death draws near."
-Psalm 88:1-3


I have known such miseries...frail health, sickness, pain, fear of death...so much darkness that I easily become lost in my mind. These tunnels leading downward into further darkness...and yet, you have never left me here.

Patiently you have seeked after me, love me...cared for me in ways I never knew I needed...and showered me with love, such infinitely impossible love...and beauty beyond my comprehension.

Time is so finitely fleeting...one moment to moment...and the beauty I have felt, seen, experienced may be gone in a minute...just like the plant who sheltered Jonah...yet I do not wish to be so short sighted.

You have called me out of this darkness to be loved and share love...thank you.
Thank you for being in love with me, forgiving my many failures and never leaving me in this darkness.

Beauty, such eternal beauty.
Calls me out of the depths
and despite my depravity
there is such infinite grace.

Psalm 87

"I will count Egypt and Babylon among those who know me—
also Philistia and Tyre, and even distant Ethiopia.
They have all become citizens of Jerusalem!
Regarding Jerusalem it will be said,
“Everyone enjoys the rights of citizenship there.”
And the Most High will personally bless this city.
When the Lord registers the nations, he will say,
“They have all become citizens of Jerusalem.”"
-Psalm 87:4-6

Egypt, Babylon, Philistine, Tyre...all of these were cities that stood against God openly at times...and were at times even used as metaphors being decried as symbols representing Satan and the spirit of anti-Christ in this world.

What does it say about the Church where we write off those living in other countries as being enemies when God will call believers out from every corner of creation, every country, every race, every sect, every false tower set against Him?

You've called me...even me.
I want to see you...I'm so sick, so sick of how broken this world is, how much pain is everywhere, how much pain *I* cause, seeing the ill effects of stupid decisions I make that cause others to suffer...it's not just drama, it's the fact I waste five dollars on a cup of coffee when there are thousands of children dying today that the money could have given food, vaccines or clean water to.

Yes...this bothers me, this gives me nightmares...I can't fix everything, I can't save everyone but dammit I can do something besides live here in stagnating apathy.

Besides staying here in middle class church suburbia...what can I do Jesus?
What do I need to do?
How radical are you calling to me?
Do you want me to follow the sermon on the mount to the letter?
Am I working on my masters and phd for myself or for your glory?


I want to be in your arms.
I'm so sick of this pain and how screwed up the world is.
I am selfish and I know it.
When can you return and bring peace to this dying world?
Why...why do you trust us stupid humans to do the work until then?

Thank you for never leaving me in my broken shame...thank you for loving me, thank you for drowning me in grace and sending people to rescue me before I do stupid stuff.

I want to take this love, this intoxicating grace...and share it with the world.
Please.
Either break me, prepare me and then send me or just bring me home today if I cannot be of any use.
I can't stand living in this spiritual purgatory for much longer.
Abba, Daddy, I need you.
I need the peace beyond understanding, I need grace and love to wipe away my shame.



"I walk the world on insect legs beneath an unforgiving sun
Eat the dirt throughout my days On the dirt and dirt I come undone
Messiah born in Bethlehem won't find me lying there
The world's too big for him to see me or hear the things I've said
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
I laughed in the keep of a man with a rose my mandibles are caked in trash
Thought you wouldn't recognize me, in the black of soot and ash
Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice
To worship you, Oh, my soul rejoice
Take joy my King in what you hear
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear"

Clarification: This blog need more of it.

...after all the amazing way things have worked out...horrible, horrible, horrible nightmares...ugh...stupid brain mind soul thing...just...yeah.

Shallow bitter shame.

Fundamentalism is going to give me an aneurysm.

Wait...that just rhymed.

o_o

Psalm 86

"But you, O Lord,
are a God of compassion and mercy,
slow to get angry
and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
Look down and have mercy on me.
Give your strength to your servant;
save me, the son of your servant.
Send me a sign of your favor.
Then those who hate me will be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, help and comfort me."
-Psalm 86:15-17

I don't know what to write...a mixture of the highest highs and the lowest lows.
Heaven and Hell in my soul right now.

I want to do the right thing by all people...but it isn't possible...

Love.
Hope.
Peace.
Dear God increase.

Mercy, blessed mercy in this night.

Psalm 85

"You forgave the guilt of your people—
yes, you covered all their sins.

You held back your fury.
You kept back your blazing anger.

Now restore us again, O God of our salvation.
Put aside your anger against us once more.
Will you be angry with us always?
Will you prolong your wrath to all generations?
Won’t you revive us again,
so your people can rejoice in you?
Show us your unfailing love, O Lord,
and grant us your salvation."
-Psalm 85:2-7


Why does life run in circles?
So much is inevitable...so many more horrible, terrible and terrifying things would happen if you didn't intervene.
As silly as it is...just writing this, typing this words and talking to You makes me...happy.

You care.
You actually care about what happens to me, my thoughts, my worries, my concerns, my pains...you have forgiven me...washed me and loved me although I have been so unloving.

It is true...being loved by you has made me lovable.
At any point I can leave...you have made me to be able to choose...and although I'm broken by my sin nature I want to choose you, please help me to stay a little while longer.

I am so tired from running in circles, beating myself to death for the smallest things...I feel the need, the desire and the want to just go far away from the noise of life so I can sit at your feet and listen...

Everything that is, that was and will be...everything in this world is so fleeting...and your love is this strong current which pulls at my heart...this furious love that exhilarates as much as it terrifies me...I just want to fall into you and never leave.

Thank you...can life be more beautiful than in this very moment of grace and wonder?

Psalm 84

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
I long, yes, I faint with longing
to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul,
I will shout joyfully to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young
at a place near your altar,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God!"
-Psalm 84:1-3



It feels silly to say I hunger and thirst for righteousness, for love, for hope eternal...but I do.
Where is the line between accepting I am human and tolerating sin because of my inner depravity?

I have felt such things...such wonder and such horrors...the outer courts of heaven to a few paces from the seventh circle of Hell.

Thank you for being faithful when I have sought ways to run...thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds."
-Douglas Adams

Psalm 83

"O God, do not be silent!
Do not be deaf.
Do not be quiet, O God.
Don’t you hear the uproar of your enemies?
Don’t you see that your arrogant enemies are rising up?"
-Psalm 83:1-2

So many thoughts about judgment...and what it means to be on the receiving end of your just rage against sin and our disobedience.
But...if I understand...this judgment is something we choose by not letting you fix us, by redeeming us...it is an eternal action but also a daily process...of Hells or Heavens.

I'm tired of feeling like I am the enemy...you mention us about being sons and daughters...but God I just don't know what to do.
You know?

I mean...it is easy to talk doctrine but until it is truth in the heart and mind...what good are our attempts to systematically categorize you?
I want the love to be real...and for the obedience in my life to come from love...not terror...

Silly Moments of Time

I strived to impress people who had little vested interest in me to begin with...making a fool out of myself and going above and beyond for nothing...when just simple joys around me are so much better than bleeding myself dry over toxic relationships.

I never thought I would be so grateful for the taste of Gatorade and cereal in the morning.

I am alive.
I could have died at any point in the past twenty-four years...and I am grateful to be so loved, so cared about.

I go on about the negative and heaven knows I have enough to complain about...but I am grateful to be able to move at all, to speak and type this silly thing with so many millions have no clean water, food or electricity.

I don't know why you love me Father but thank you.
Help me to learn what that love really means...

"As the Ruin Falls" by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.