Psalm 90

"Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see you work again;
let our children see your glory.
And may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful!"
-Psalm 90:14-17

Such love...can it be mine?
I do not understand how intoxicating you can be...but when I am apart, when I do not pray or read your word...there is this void, this emptiness...please come close again, never let me leave you again!

I want to find contentment in you, I want to find peace in you...not fading things in this world...but in simply being obedient to you.

Thank you for blessing me with so much love, such impossible blessings...so wonderful, so grand...you are so amazing Daddy...thank you.

I can look down the road and see things coming...so many possibilities...but what of You? What can I do to delight you? To make you smile?
I want to show you love...after all you have done for me...I just want to thank you and love you more...

Peace, in a sea of raging doubt and discord.
Hope, in a night that is full of dark terror.
Love, in an hour of hopelessness.

Such blessed beauty.
Such undeniable assertions of the heart.

"I'd listen to the words he'd say
but in his voice I heard decay
the plastic face forced to portray
all the insides left cold and gray
there is a place that still remains
it eats the fear it eats the pain
the sweetest price he'll have to pay
the day the whole world went away"

Psalm 88

"O Lord, God of my salvation,
I cry out to you by day.
I come to you at night.
Now hear my prayer;
listen to my cry.
For my life is full of troubles,
and death draws near."
-Psalm 88:1-3


I have known such miseries...frail health, sickness, pain, fear of death...so much darkness that I easily become lost in my mind. These tunnels leading downward into further darkness...and yet, you have never left me here.

Patiently you have seeked after me, love me...cared for me in ways I never knew I needed...and showered me with love, such infinitely impossible love...and beauty beyond my comprehension.

Time is so finitely fleeting...one moment to moment...and the beauty I have felt, seen, experienced may be gone in a minute...just like the plant who sheltered Jonah...yet I do not wish to be so short sighted.

You have called me out of this darkness to be loved and share love...thank you.
Thank you for being in love with me, forgiving my many failures and never leaving me in this darkness.

Beauty, such eternal beauty.
Calls me out of the depths
and despite my depravity
there is such infinite grace.

Psalm 87

"I will count Egypt and Babylon among those who know me—
also Philistia and Tyre, and even distant Ethiopia.
They have all become citizens of Jerusalem!
Regarding Jerusalem it will be said,
“Everyone enjoys the rights of citizenship there.”
And the Most High will personally bless this city.
When the Lord registers the nations, he will say,
“They have all become citizens of Jerusalem.”"
-Psalm 87:4-6

Egypt, Babylon, Philistine, Tyre...all of these were cities that stood against God openly at times...and were at times even used as metaphors being decried as symbols representing Satan and the spirit of anti-Christ in this world.

What does it say about the Church where we write off those living in other countries as being enemies when God will call believers out from every corner of creation, every country, every race, every sect, every false tower set against Him?

You've called me...even me.
I want to see you...I'm so sick, so sick of how broken this world is, how much pain is everywhere, how much pain *I* cause, seeing the ill effects of stupid decisions I make that cause others to suffer...it's not just drama, it's the fact I waste five dollars on a cup of coffee when there are thousands of children dying today that the money could have given food, vaccines or clean water to.

Yes...this bothers me, this gives me nightmares...I can't fix everything, I can't save everyone but dammit I can do something besides live here in stagnating apathy.

Besides staying here in middle class church suburbia...what can I do Jesus?
What do I need to do?
How radical are you calling to me?
Do you want me to follow the sermon on the mount to the letter?
Am I working on my masters and phd for myself or for your glory?


I want to be in your arms.
I'm so sick of this pain and how screwed up the world is.
I am selfish and I know it.
When can you return and bring peace to this dying world?
Why...why do you trust us stupid humans to do the work until then?

Thank you for never leaving me in my broken shame...thank you for loving me, thank you for drowning me in grace and sending people to rescue me before I do stupid stuff.

I want to take this love, this intoxicating grace...and share it with the world.
Please.
Either break me, prepare me and then send me or just bring me home today if I cannot be of any use.
I can't stand living in this spiritual purgatory for much longer.
Abba, Daddy, I need you.
I need the peace beyond understanding, I need grace and love to wipe away my shame.



"I walk the world on insect legs beneath an unforgiving sun
Eat the dirt throughout my days On the dirt and dirt I come undone
Messiah born in Bethlehem won't find me lying there
The world's too big for him to see me or hear the things I've said
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
I laughed in the keep of a man with a rose my mandibles are caked in trash
Thought you wouldn't recognize me, in the black of soot and ash
Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice
To worship you, Oh, my soul rejoice
Take joy my King in what you hear
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear"

Clarification: This blog need more of it.

...after all the amazing way things have worked out...horrible, horrible, horrible nightmares...ugh...stupid brain mind soul thing...just...yeah.

Shallow bitter shame.

Fundamentalism is going to give me an aneurysm.

Wait...that just rhymed.

o_o

Psalm 86

"But you, O Lord,
are a God of compassion and mercy,
slow to get angry
and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
Look down and have mercy on me.
Give your strength to your servant;
save me, the son of your servant.
Send me a sign of your favor.
Then those who hate me will be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, help and comfort me."
-Psalm 86:15-17

I don't know what to write...a mixture of the highest highs and the lowest lows.
Heaven and Hell in my soul right now.

I want to do the right thing by all people...but it isn't possible...

Love.
Hope.
Peace.
Dear God increase.

Mercy, blessed mercy in this night.

Psalm 85

"You forgave the guilt of your people—
yes, you covered all their sins.

You held back your fury.
You kept back your blazing anger.

Now restore us again, O God of our salvation.
Put aside your anger against us once more.
Will you be angry with us always?
Will you prolong your wrath to all generations?
Won’t you revive us again,
so your people can rejoice in you?
Show us your unfailing love, O Lord,
and grant us your salvation."
-Psalm 85:2-7


Why does life run in circles?
So much is inevitable...so many more horrible, terrible and terrifying things would happen if you didn't intervene.
As silly as it is...just writing this, typing this words and talking to You makes me...happy.

You care.
You actually care about what happens to me, my thoughts, my worries, my concerns, my pains...you have forgiven me...washed me and loved me although I have been so unloving.

It is true...being loved by you has made me lovable.
At any point I can leave...you have made me to be able to choose...and although I'm broken by my sin nature I want to choose you, please help me to stay a little while longer.

I am so tired from running in circles, beating myself to death for the smallest things...I feel the need, the desire and the want to just go far away from the noise of life so I can sit at your feet and listen...

Everything that is, that was and will be...everything in this world is so fleeting...and your love is this strong current which pulls at my heart...this furious love that exhilarates as much as it terrifies me...I just want to fall into you and never leave.

Thank you...can life be more beautiful than in this very moment of grace and wonder?

Psalm 84

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
I long, yes, I faint with longing
to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul,
I will shout joyfully to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young
at a place near your altar,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God!"
-Psalm 84:1-3



It feels silly to say I hunger and thirst for righteousness, for love, for hope eternal...but I do.
Where is the line between accepting I am human and tolerating sin because of my inner depravity?

I have felt such things...such wonder and such horrors...the outer courts of heaven to a few paces from the seventh circle of Hell.

Thank you for being faithful when I have sought ways to run...thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds."
-Douglas Adams

Psalm 83

"O God, do not be silent!
Do not be deaf.
Do not be quiet, O God.
Don’t you hear the uproar of your enemies?
Don’t you see that your arrogant enemies are rising up?"
-Psalm 83:1-2

So many thoughts about judgment...and what it means to be on the receiving end of your just rage against sin and our disobedience.
But...if I understand...this judgment is something we choose by not letting you fix us, by redeeming us...it is an eternal action but also a daily process...of Hells or Heavens.

I'm tired of feeling like I am the enemy...you mention us about being sons and daughters...but God I just don't know what to do.
You know?

I mean...it is easy to talk doctrine but until it is truth in the heart and mind...what good are our attempts to systematically categorize you?
I want the love to be real...and for the obedience in my life to come from love...not terror...

Silly Moments of Time

I strived to impress people who had little vested interest in me to begin with...making a fool out of myself and going above and beyond for nothing...when just simple joys around me are so much better than bleeding myself dry over toxic relationships.

I never thought I would be so grateful for the taste of Gatorade and cereal in the morning.

I am alive.
I could have died at any point in the past twenty-four years...and I am grateful to be so loved, so cared about.

I go on about the negative and heaven knows I have enough to complain about...but I am grateful to be able to move at all, to speak and type this silly thing with so many millions have no clean water, food or electricity.

I don't know why you love me Father but thank you.
Help me to learn what that love really means...

"As the Ruin Falls" by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Psalm 82

"“How long will you hand down unjust decisions
by favoring the wicked?
“Give justice to the poor and the orphan;
uphold the rights of the oppressed and the destitute.
Rescue the poor and helpless;
deliver them from the grasp of evil people."
-Psalm 82:2-4

A thought that has been heavy on my mind lately is Your justice...what it means exactly for you to not only deliver justice but what you see when you see our sin...and what it means for you to see Jesus' death instead of our filth.

It seems impossible, it certainly is improbable that you would love and desire to be near sinners...that you would wish to eat with me and keep company with me and the rest of the 'sinners'.

What is this fleeting life?
Thousands of innocent children are dying a day...where is their justice?
Who stands up in defense of them?
How can you stand by while we have made such a mess of things...while there is such utter misery?
Is free will worth enough to you that you would see so many innocents not only suffer but die so excruciatingly?

Even my pain...the daily struggles I have to function...I know I am not innocent. I have sinned against you and though I have placed my faith in Christ...I still feel I deserve the pain...but that isn't right...is it?

To be made new is to be made new...all sin has been wiped away, all the horrors forgiven...it's just like You have opened the door and you are waiting for me to step through into new life...a life to where I see this gross injustice and I am supposed to do something...but I can't, not on my own anyway.

This love, this beauty...this hope...is more than I could expect...and I want to learn how to be loved by you...and that you like me and want me near.
Maybe I can start doing some sort of good after I learn that...

Such unexpected beauty...

Peace.

Quote of the Day:

"Man with all his shrewdness is as stupid about understanding by himself the mysteries of God, as a donkey is incapable of understanding musical harmony."
-John Calvin

Psalm 81

"You must never have a foreign god;
you must not bow down before a false god.
For it was I, the Lord your God,
who rescued you from the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things."
-Psalm 81:9-10

Beloved...Abba...the idols in my life look so much like me.
The false god I pursue looks so much like me.

My Egypt, my slavery of self hate...addiction to pleasure...to buying, to controlling, to beating myself in order to feel good about my spirituality.

I've been alive for almost twenty-four years and I am still learning the very basic aspects of what it means to be a Christian.

Simplicity...love today, tomorrow...

My faith is so weak that I can't believe that God loves me for me...and likes me despite my tendency to sin. I don't need to worry about the 'grand' lessons...I just need to learn what it means to love and be loved. To stop running back to Egypt and be able to find contentment in this place.

So much going on...so many things, so many thoughts...

The air is somewhat cooler but still having some trouble breathing...ack...lousy lungs...why do you disdain me along with the rest of my body?

There is hope...unexpected beauty in this dark night...


It is just...struggling with who I am takes its toll after a while.
I want to be faithful.
That is all I want.
But I am afraid of the pain I cause...and all the hurt...choices, decisions, feelings, life...expression.

I miss art.
I miss what felt like the Muse directly injecting ideas into my soul.
I also miss the peace that comes from silence and obedience.

I can smile.
I will smile.

Yes.

You know...I sometimes hate being right.
Especially when it involves a friend's doomed relationship.

Quote of the Day:

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”
-C.S. Lewis