Peace.

Quote of the Day:

"Man with all his shrewdness is as stupid about understanding by himself the mysteries of God, as a donkey is incapable of understanding musical harmony."
-John Calvin

Psalm 81

"You must never have a foreign god;
you must not bow down before a false god.
For it was I, the Lord your God,
who rescued you from the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things."
-Psalm 81:9-10

Beloved...Abba...the idols in my life look so much like me.
The false god I pursue looks so much like me.

My Egypt, my slavery of self hate...addiction to pleasure...to buying, to controlling, to beating myself in order to feel good about my spirituality.

I've been alive for almost twenty-four years and I am still learning the very basic aspects of what it means to be a Christian.

Simplicity...love today, tomorrow...

My faith is so weak that I can't believe that God loves me for me...and likes me despite my tendency to sin. I don't need to worry about the 'grand' lessons...I just need to learn what it means to love and be loved. To stop running back to Egypt and be able to find contentment in this place.

So much going on...so many things, so many thoughts...

The air is somewhat cooler but still having some trouble breathing...ack...lousy lungs...why do you disdain me along with the rest of my body?

There is hope...unexpected beauty in this dark night...


It is just...struggling with who I am takes its toll after a while.
I want to be faithful.
That is all I want.
But I am afraid of the pain I cause...and all the hurt...choices, decisions, feelings, life...expression.

I miss art.
I miss what felt like the Muse directly injecting ideas into my soul.
I also miss the peace that comes from silence and obedience.

I can smile.
I will smile.

Yes.

You know...I sometimes hate being right.
Especially when it involves a friend's doomed relationship.

Quote of the Day:

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”
-C.S. Lewis

-

"Juggernaut" - Five Iron Frenzy

Psalm 78

"So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.
Then they will not be like their ancestors—
stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
refusing to give their hearts to God."
-Psalm 78:7-8


What does it mean to 'set its hope anew'?
Does it have something to do with expectation, goals, ideals of worship or something else entirely?

How can it feel as if I have been alive for generations?
To feel so weathered in my soul, as if I have lived to see so much born and passed away? Ultimately I feel as if I am nothing more than Israel...stubborn, rebellious, unfaithful...this adulterous bride whose last concern is her betrothed.

God...wants my heart?
He not only loves me...but likes me...wants me closer to Him...YOU want me closer...I just...do you understand how impossible this seems and sounds?

Yet...my heart beats so fast when you are near...I loose my grasp on the temporal...and it as if things are fading from view and are beginning to make sense for the first time...

The stench of the hypocrisy which flows from my mouth...such trite and meaningless metaphors...like a drunk stumbling in a dirty alley. Grace has never left me...and still chases after me...

"From machines that I have made
I’ve become the slave
but I’ve been carried along
freedom like a song
Freedom lifts me like a song
when the weak shall be made strong..."

"The Anatomy of Hypocrisy"

The phrase and title gives me some ideas...

It's clear I've been running...just running from You, myself and everything.

The question is...what am I hiding from?

It's not as if I could succeed.

I know part of it...but there is so much I do not see about myself...about life.

I've cared too much about opinions and I am dying from the weight of expectations on my shoulders...my spirit cannot breath because I left the yoke of the Lord and took on this world, well meaning people who I cannot help, and I drown in the smallest of streams.

At any point You could have wiped me out, destroyed me in Your wrath...and yet grace, beautiful and wonderful grace for a sinner like me. Thanks hardly seems appropriate...much less when I fall down so often and am a child.

But thanks...thanks a million times.

Somethings...someone I do miss...and conversations, joy and life...

It feels as though the day is stretching on and night may last forever.

But...eternity...if nothing else will be a long enough time to catch up.

I do miss the true honesty...not abrasive berating for its own sake...or self motivated righteousness seeking things I can't defend...or just me being on trial for being the fool I am...but the love that grows between two souls sharing life.

It's good to know I can feel.
The pain will pass.
The beauty will grow.
Everything worthwhile will bloom.

Such wonder, such greatness...revealed to one as me?
Such a paradox.
But such beauty.

I keep forgetting that I am turning twenty-four in a few days...for some reason I kept think it was twenty-five.

Ack...numbers.

Isn't prayer supposed to be one of those givens?

I am in such intense physical agony right now that I wish to scream...but no one who can hear me will be able to do anything.

I'm trying to trust and be obedient...even in this incredible darkness...but I'm afraid. I can't carry on, I can't breath...I am broken and needy.
Please don't leave me here...don't forget me...

I feel as though everything is...

The effect of a good story is the impact it makes after all is said and done...something feels like it is missing but also that something has been added.

Yeah...it was a good story.

I'm no hero.
I can't be all the things people ask of me...expect of me.

Lying because of my health, pretending to be okay in a world falling apart...all seems a bit mad.

I just want to be myself is all.

Finish what I can...one step at a time.

I'm not really sure...

Psalm 70

"But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “God is great!”
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
please hurry to my aid, O God.
You are my helper and my savior;
O Lord, do not delay."
-Psalm 70:4-5


The more I force myself to read the Bible, to write, to spend time in prayer, to just throw my thoughts up on this stupid blog...the more I am gaining a bird's eye view of the paradox I am.

At any moment You could have ripped my atoms asunder, scattered this sinful mass across the world and eradicate my soul...but dare I to believe...You love me?

Not just love because you have to but love because you actually want to spend time with me? That you desire me? That you want the superstition to be pulled away and the curtain just ripped apart...and the distance closed by letting you near?

I struggle with believing in this intense love because of how the pain is...why must things be so protracted and drawn out? All this death and agony...somehow can work together for something better? I don't understand...I want to return to bed and hide from reality...not delve into the pain of people's lives...but that is the point of love...to spread...


I am just out of breath,
tired from running everywhere.
Can I lay here
just lay here and be loved?
Not based on my performance,
my shoddy morality
or anything else
but just...me...as me?

I feel as though my soul needs to be erased...

I have been up for six hours already.
I am rather proud at what I have managed to accomplish so far...it very well could be the lack of sleep combined with the exercise and caffeine but I feel giddy about today.

Excited even.

Father, why are you so good to me?
Thank You, thank You...thank You.

Psalm 68

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
-Psalm 68:5-6


Why?
Words...just incomplete statements, half formed words...pain, pain, pain.
Why do so many terrible things happen?
Why must life be this way?

I know I should give thanks for the good You do...adopting us ungrateful lot into Your family and using us in spite of ourselves...but I can't help but ask...again and again...things are so confusing...and it hurts to see so much pain with so little relief.

My sin has never left me, it has carried me to this desert...this land where I thirst and ache for relief...I would kill for the small idols I carry...and why?
Just because I can.
The evil that flows through my veins knows no end...knows no morality...it's only by Your grace that I haven't done anything more stupid...

I am so tired of being spread so thin because of my actions...because of my unhealthy decisions, refusal of help...of grace.


It seems so...scandalous that You would love me...much less actually like me.
But damn those and their narrow view of grace...I am tired of trapping myself into having such a small view of You...like I have.
You are more than a simple idol, more than a blessing vending machine...You are so infinitely beautiful and wonderful...and You desire to be around one as broken and depraved as me?

Doesn't that seem insane?
Why?
Why?
But...thank You.
Thank You for helping me find a church that I may call for home right now...help me put forth effort...and just...this grace, this family...this roof over my head, this hot tea, my car, the ability to pray, to write, to read, to do so many things I take for granted.

It's a beautiful day already.
Even though I get distracted and see only what I want to see most days...thank You Father, thank You Abba.
Thank You.

So many thoughts...so little sleep...but so many thoughts.
Profound, perverse and thoughts of perfection...

Everything and nothing.
And yet so much more...

Not trying to be ambiguous...but really that is all there is at this...and that.