I keep forgetting that I am turning twenty-four in a few days...for some reason I kept think it was twenty-five.

Ack...numbers.

Isn't prayer supposed to be one of those givens?

I am in such intense physical agony right now that I wish to scream...but no one who can hear me will be able to do anything.

I'm trying to trust and be obedient...even in this incredible darkness...but I'm afraid. I can't carry on, I can't breath...I am broken and needy.
Please don't leave me here...don't forget me...

I feel as though everything is...

The effect of a good story is the impact it makes after all is said and done...something feels like it is missing but also that something has been added.

Yeah...it was a good story.

I'm no hero.
I can't be all the things people ask of me...expect of me.

Lying because of my health, pretending to be okay in a world falling apart...all seems a bit mad.

I just want to be myself is all.

Finish what I can...one step at a time.

I'm not really sure...

Psalm 70

"But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “God is great!”
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
please hurry to my aid, O God.
You are my helper and my savior;
O Lord, do not delay."
-Psalm 70:4-5


The more I force myself to read the Bible, to write, to spend time in prayer, to just throw my thoughts up on this stupid blog...the more I am gaining a bird's eye view of the paradox I am.

At any moment You could have ripped my atoms asunder, scattered this sinful mass across the world and eradicate my soul...but dare I to believe...You love me?

Not just love because you have to but love because you actually want to spend time with me? That you desire me? That you want the superstition to be pulled away and the curtain just ripped apart...and the distance closed by letting you near?

I struggle with believing in this intense love because of how the pain is...why must things be so protracted and drawn out? All this death and agony...somehow can work together for something better? I don't understand...I want to return to bed and hide from reality...not delve into the pain of people's lives...but that is the point of love...to spread...


I am just out of breath,
tired from running everywhere.
Can I lay here
just lay here and be loved?
Not based on my performance,
my shoddy morality
or anything else
but just...me...as me?

I feel as though my soul needs to be erased...

I have been up for six hours already.
I am rather proud at what I have managed to accomplish so far...it very well could be the lack of sleep combined with the exercise and caffeine but I feel giddy about today.

Excited even.

Father, why are you so good to me?
Thank You, thank You...thank You.

Psalm 68

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
-Psalm 68:5-6


Why?
Words...just incomplete statements, half formed words...pain, pain, pain.
Why do so many terrible things happen?
Why must life be this way?

I know I should give thanks for the good You do...adopting us ungrateful lot into Your family and using us in spite of ourselves...but I can't help but ask...again and again...things are so confusing...and it hurts to see so much pain with so little relief.

My sin has never left me, it has carried me to this desert...this land where I thirst and ache for relief...I would kill for the small idols I carry...and why?
Just because I can.
The evil that flows through my veins knows no end...knows no morality...it's only by Your grace that I haven't done anything more stupid...

I am so tired of being spread so thin because of my actions...because of my unhealthy decisions, refusal of help...of grace.


It seems so...scandalous that You would love me...much less actually like me.
But damn those and their narrow view of grace...I am tired of trapping myself into having such a small view of You...like I have.
You are more than a simple idol, more than a blessing vending machine...You are so infinitely beautiful and wonderful...and You desire to be around one as broken and depraved as me?

Doesn't that seem insane?
Why?
Why?
But...thank You.
Thank You for helping me find a church that I may call for home right now...help me put forth effort...and just...this grace, this family...this roof over my head, this hot tea, my car, the ability to pray, to write, to read, to do so many things I take for granted.

It's a beautiful day already.
Even though I get distracted and see only what I want to see most days...thank You Father, thank You Abba.
Thank You.

So many thoughts...so little sleep...but so many thoughts.
Profound, perverse and thoughts of perfection...

Everything and nothing.
And yet so much more...

Not trying to be ambiguous...but really that is all there is at this...and that.

Still praying.
Still hoping.
Some things never change
and yet what shall remain?

Psalm 67

"May your ways be known throughout the earth,
your saving power among people everywhere.
May the nations praise you, O God.
Yes, may all the nations praise you."
-Psalm 67:2-3


It feels so absurd to try and look beyond the trappings of this society and see that You are concerned with more than just this one people. That Your vision, the love and grace that come from the cross are meant for all people everywhere...and even though I do not understand why this world is the way it is...Your love has persistently beat its way inside of me and I just can't help but want to get over myself.

It is depressing how often I just screw up...yet You not only love me...but like me?
How thoroughly absurd.
But more than that...so absolutely true.

With everything that I am studying, reading, absorbing...what will it matter if my heart remains unchanged? If I do not flee desperately from sin and into Your arms?

My heart is breaking for all the wrong reasons...self pity, self hate, self absorption...me, me, me...me too.
Help me stop long enough to breath and just listen...

There is a huge world that is hurting.
That You love.
That I am part of.
That the silly people who read this are apart of.
This isn't just meant to be a display of play acting hypocrisy...but...

There can be incomplete circles and redundant statements...but Your grace knows no bounds. The fears which live in my heart and threaten to overwhelm me...I'm just like any other person...and it is good.

But the burning desire for more, to be more, to grow...to become who You made me to be. That thought captivates me and I idolize it...but God I just want to worship You...not just these pointless images again and again.

But You dear Father.
You alone.

Psalm 66

"Come and listen, all you who fear God,
and I will tell you what he did for me.
For I cried out to him for help,
praising him as I spoke.
If I had not confessed the sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
But God did listen!
He paid attention to my prayer.
Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer
or withdraw his unfailing love from me."
-Psalm 66:16-20

I am struck dumbfounded with Your love.
This grace...this beauty.
There are not enough words to express thanks, love, adoration for You...everything You have done for me.

I love You, even though my life has never said so.

Psalm 65

"You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,
O God our savior.
You are the hope of everyone on earth,
even those who sail on distant seas.
You formed the mountains by your power
and armed yourself with mighty strength.
You quieted the raging oceans
with their pounding waves
and silenced the shouting of the nations.
Those who live at the ends of the earth
stand in awe of your wonders.
From where the sun rises to where it sets,
you inspire shouts of joy."
-Psalm 65:5-8


It feels like with every step I make I am one step further from you.
To a degree...circumstances are irrelevant.
Wherever I am in this world I am going to be bound by the same trappings of humanity that all are...as well as my personal demons that like to cry out from the back of my mind from time to time.

I am never going to fully outgrow the struggle...and I suppose in some manner that is a good thing.

I'm dependent on you.
I am trapped in this body and this soul...everything that I am...I am.

What is the right decision?
I've heard more voices and thoughts then I can properly assimilate...and as always I am as afraid of change and making a choice as I have always been.
I hate pain...but it will follow...


I miss the closeness we had when I was younger.
I miss the intimacy...the joy of being in You and what may have just been naive thinking that everything was okay...but I know it will be...even when I am doubting and believing from breath to breath.

I need You as my God.
I need You as my Father.
I need You as my Savior.
I need You as my Lover.
I need You in every way that You are.
I want to feel You come by and the awesomeness that You are.
Small quite voice in the midst of the hurricane.

Please give me clarity of mind and peace on the decision for I do something rash.
I am already hurting so much...please help me with the pain and anxiety.
Just reminders that I am not in control and I am worse than Jacob in both deceiving and trying to wrest control from You.

Yet again Father.
Yet again.

But here we are...You've been beside me in this wilderness even when I didn't want to look at You...now I do. I so desperately want to be closer...I don't care where.

You are the one who knows me best.
If it's Chicago or Sub-Sahara Africa it doesn't matter to me.
Send me.
I want to listen and follow...send me to where I will can grow, learn and help others.
Teach me to love.
I just need help.
Once again.

It's always the small things that remind me and produce such...melancholy.
I hope people don't think I am antisocial...I just am not sure how to turn all the memories and thoughts off...throw in the nausea and it's just like...yeah.

It's a beautiful day.
One that could easily produce tears by itself.

Why do I have to think about or worry about those who for all practical rights and purposes...those gone away? I do not know...

Midnight Melodrama

I was staring at the chipped mirror in the run down place.
Just feel the pain rip through my body again while I leaned over the sink, keeping my face close while looking at my exhausted and stubble covered face.

"Lord, what the Hell am I doing here?"

It's not the first time I have ever asked that.
I guess it won't be the last time I asked that.

Why am I in this city?
Why am I on this path?

I have lost three friends this summer.
All of it is safe to say because of my fault, because at times...because of me being weak, or an idiot...but it is not all of my fault. I am to blame just as any car wreck may be two people's fault.

That is what I feel like right now at this late hour, after horribly screwing up while trying to dance...and seeing such a...look I never want to see again.

Never too late to breakdown...never too late to cry.
It's never too late for regret
or just to stop and say hi.
It's never too late to pray
and hope for a drop of grace.

My strongest inkling right now is geared towards self hate.
For loosing these bonds, these relationships.
For the decisions I am about to make which will result in more bonds being snapped.
Why am I damned regardless of what I do?
Why do I have to decide and cause pain?

I want to do the right thing...but God I want the pain to stop.
Please.
Please let the pain for others stop.
I have been more than happy to suffer indefinitely in the past...but I am reaching a point where I can no longer just...hurt indefinitely.

I want to heal from the pain.
I really want to grow old from age...not because of dealing with too much stress or trying to be Jesus.
I want to see the snow fall again.
And feel the close love of friends.

The cross is in my sight and I do not want to shame Him because of not being able to deal with pain.

I'm on the verge of making a dramatic life decision, please pray for me.

What sort of madman dedicates his doctoral dissertation to his wife?

Just saying.

Psalm 62

"I wait quietly before God,
for my victory comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will never be shaken."
-Psalm 62:1-2


You are the only one who really knows me...every thought, every shameful secret, every failure, how excruciating the pain is in my body...and in my soul.

I am ashamed of my weakness, the fact I am weak at all...that I can't be perfect and help everyone...where does this insanity come from?

At no point did You say I have to fix the world, that I have to 'save' everyone...

You said I was supposed to love You, love others, love myself and be faithful.
That is all You ask of me...everything else are details to be worked on.

I want to find real rest in You, in any circumstances...I can't love the people in the house, in my life, my family, my friends, any church, any people, anyone on a real level by myself.
There will reach a point where I freak out and want to run away...where pain becomes real and I have to sacrifice to make things work.

I want the shadows within me to be stopped.
Give me the strength to rage against the night within myself so that I never am content with a mediocre spiritual life. Quite me down, hold me, love me, keep me near...watch over me so I can sleep at night, protect me from the darkness that feels almost tangible.

I want to remember how to love.
Teach me again.
Sing over me my Love, restore my heart while purging it of everything that is wrong.

I love You, oh how I love You.


"Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day"

I need peace, quiet and rest.
That sounds lovely.
Being able to work on a paper in the relative peace and quite.

I don't know how I am going to be able to finish reading this accursed book tonight and try to finish writing about it.

Melodrama makes my head hurt...

Psalm 61

"From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!"
-Psalm 61:2-4


Peace, hope and love.
Please...please...let me feel your presence.
Wrap me in Your perfect and unending love.


All my plans...all of my desires all destructive and revolve around me...I want to help...I want to love.

Help me get perspective on my life, on this walk through life...and not just beat myself up or find reasons or ways to guilt or feel bad...but true peace.

Words.