"Rejoice" - U2

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Beatitude of Broken Faith

Faithless.
Faithless.
Faithless.
We all fall down.
Symmetrical in our betrayals
and lack of faith
in our sincerest tones.
Crucifying is easy
when you cast thought aside
and think you know truth
and can slam the nails in
at the perfect rate
because after all,
eternity is just a moments wait, right?

Bleeding Heart, Bleeding soul.

Lies, I want to scream.
Poison, I want to cut out.
Every thought racing through this mind,
every moment of existing beside you
is making me loose
every part of me
that I ever held onto
and every second burns my soul
as I wait in silence
to hear another denial
and pleasantly formed no.

I would have rather,
I would have rather
just had my heart
ripped out.
I would have rather
just had my soul
had this soul
nullified.
I would,
I would have rather
just had every last part of me
just washed away in these flames
then ever spend another wasted second
just pouring myself into useless cycles
of repetitious pain.

Bleeding myself into sin
just for what feels like your delight
as I spin myself into another lie
and twist and turn in a panic
because I realize
I realize and I know
how lost I am.
I got lost in believing you
and trusting in something never true.
The worse thing I can ever know
is how ultimately
it's all my fault,
everything false
and everything truly true,
it all my fault.

I'm a narcissist
so don't worry,
I'll take the blame
and baptize myself in guilt
and a bit more loathing
as I hold the door
and bid thee to walk quick
as I hold back spite
and take a deep draft
of how utterly useless
all in all this all is.

Rejoice, the day is coming.
Love beyond love
and this cynical heart of mine
will melt in the Light
and this,
even this forsaking bastard child,
this faithless Son of Adam
will be found and held.
At any point I could walk out into eternity
and find contentment.
But I hold myself back and embrace the pain
because it is my identity.

Do you see?
Do you feel?

Good night,
good bye
farewell
and
farewell.

"You're taking steps that make you feel dizzy
Then you learn to like the way it feels
You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover
Then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed

Goodbye, and it's emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
Are you still holding on
I'm not coming down "

Winding Self Destruct

The more I learn...
Jesus...just...why can't this charade end?
It's like everything...it is all lies...
My heart...God my head is exploding with pain...

What is the point?
I can't take this...
I didn't ask for this...
I never wanted this...

...just...I...
All I...all I wanted was...
...a simple
Just to be...
...and to feel..
I want...to know this and that...

Please end this pain.
Please end it tonight.
My Father, My Lover take me from this place of pain.
Deliver me before I crash.

Quote of the Day:

"But how can the characters in a play guess the plot? We are not the playwright, we are not the producer, we are not even the audience. We are on the stage. To play well the scenes in which we are "on" concerns us much more than to guess about the scenes that follow it."
-C.S. Lewis

Burning Like a Plague...

God I am so sick to death of sexuality.

For once I would just like to browse the web, talk to friends, maybe even turn on the stupid TV and not have half naked images shoved down my throat. Believe it or not there are actually guys who do not enjoy seeing lingerie whenever they try to just check their email or watch a TV show.

I want this left up to the imagination.
I don't want this crap shoved down my throat.
Sexuality scares me.
I don't look at women and see their shapes and curves as something to grope and leer at...I see their souls as being something scared and beautiful...something to love and protect.

I don't want this tarnished crap in my mind...it is hard enough to live and try to keep lust out of my heart...I believe Jesus is serious in Matthew 5:27-30:



""You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.

"Let's not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here's what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile. And you have to chop off your right hand the moment you notice it raised threateningly. Better a bloody stump than your entire being discarded for good in the dump.""



I think Jesus is serious when he compares lust to adultery, if you can't control your mind it is the same as the actual act. Every sin starts in the heart...and it is not like I am trying to somehow be this self righteous jerk who doesn't lust or feel sexual desire or want...but I just want control of it.

I can't stand being around a lot of guys because of the 'guy talk' and acting as though women are just objects. That makes me so angry because it is like they cannot even have the basic respect for another human being.

Porn is so repulsive to me because it is just two bodies throwing themselves at each other just to 'entertain' and do nothing more than be empty and meaningless sex. What sort of sad life does it take for someone to actual go beyond looking at to DESIRING that?

I don't want it.
I want a pure heart.
I want to learn to love and have the darkness purged from my heart.
I want to maintain innocence in my mind and not have this oppressive darkness screaming about sex, sexuality or what I should do with my body.

It pisses me off so much that my sisters have to deal with this absolute crap that they are somehow not perfect because they are held up these pictures and videos. Who in the name of the depths of Hell would actually WANT a woman so shallow and needy that the only thing she can do is the same physical action over and over to cover up her empty heart and mind?

God...that sounds so judgmental and that is NOT how I mean for it to be.
It's not my place to judge another human's life or tell them that God doesn't love them or they are somehow insufficient.

I just see people throwing themselves at each other with no regard for the consequences...for the ripping of the soul...I don't want that. I want love, pure love...I either want it whole and pure as God designed it to be or I just want to be alone and by myself.

I do not and refuse this compromise of my soul just to please a person.

I want to be close to Jesus more than I ever want to make another person happy. There is no way I am ever going to get someone to understand this...I do not know how to explain how and why Jesus has had this effect on me...

It is the closest I have ever come to true encompassing head over heels and burning love that makes me sick to my stomach from how much passion I feel. My soul shiver, it longs...it aches...it NEEDS to be with my Love. I hate all these trite expressions in Christianity because it feels like they are cheapening it and trying to reduce my love into this paltry and pathetic bumper sticker...just like porn tries to turn women into these sex symbols.

Am I the only one who just gets sick in their stomach over this?
I want the sort of good tension that comes from balance in life...the tension of knowing that doing the right thing hurts like Hell but it is the right thing. I want that more than I could ever want a relationship of any sort...

Does that make sense?
Would it kill people to email me and tell me they feel that urgency?
That irreplaceable love that humans can't touch?

I just want...I need Jesus.
I hate this distance between Him and I.
He bridged the gap of eternity with the cross and His blood.
But what now?

What.
Now?


I want Love.
I want my Lover to carry me Home from this diseased world.
I will freely admit I'm a mercenary, a coward.
I would rather flee from this life then stay and suffer like my Christ.

If I am to be here...give me strength.
Help me withstand temptation.
Burn within me, burn away this weakness and inferior flesh.
Please?
Please?
There is nothing more I want.
Please.

BLARGH! BRAERRGH!

WHY DO PEOPLE USE MSN?!?

DIE MSN YOU PIECE OF CRAP SOFTWARE!!!

MAY TRILLIAN FOREVER DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!!!

Meh.

I should be much nicer than I am at heart...

Quote of the Day

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”
-J.R.R. Tolkien

Writing Without

Writing is almost like I'm trying to work at saving my soul.
My mind is so out of sync with life, love and liberty.
I'm here and there and everywhere.
I want to run free in an empty field of Your love.
I want to dance close enough to feel Your heartbeat.

Every day feels more distant than the last.
I have these incredibly intoxicating high points followed by falling deep into the depths of despair and pain.

Who are You?
Who am I?

I am me.
Just me.
Writing to understand.
Asking questions to learn.
Begging for more because I'm so needy.
A lovely looser of a sinner I am.
Looking in this pale silver and trying not to forget my face.
But trying to learn from You.

All I am certain of is this doubt and failure but this Love...this intoxicating Love is something I am addicted to. I want to share it, I want to live it...I want to be immersed in and breath You every second of my dying life...I want to pass from this world of shadows and into Your Light now...I want everything out of focus to fade away and only Your face become clear.

I am not wanting to fight for me.
Can I take a backseat to You?
Or is that just another sin?
To pretend I am not an individual so I can hide in fear?

I want to be immersed in this intoxicating love and write and be free.
I hate this distance.
I want to feel my Love.
I can't stand knowing we're divide by this ocean.
First it was by my sin.
Now it is this vast ocean of temporal time that must evaporate before I can be with You.

Who I am, who I am becoming I do not know...I am afraid of seeing me because it means responsibility.

Is going to Mobile the right decision?
My soul is exhausted from not being able to serve.
I need rest from this toxic place.
I wish to never return.
I want to go Home.
I want to feel the dying sunlight on my back and know I am walking into the eternal Love of which I can scarcely dream.

I know You but only barely.
I have pledged my soul and this life to You...but I do not even know what that means anymore.
I want to stand where I am supposed to.
I'm...tired, scared, without and so...so empty and in need of Your love.

I feel it surging through me...every second, every last bit of life...everything I ever wanted and felt.
I don't know but I do...

It is like the best excuse I could come up with me...was to feel as though I am nothing.





I am leaving for Mobile...I am going to leave before I'm thrown out.
I have to fight for the future that I am looking into...
I am afraid, so much afraid my Love, almost terrified.
But I refuse to lay here and die.
I could.
I have almost ended it before and I could.
But I want to life.
I'm not going to leave yet, until You carry me home I will fight until I die.
It is a struggle to smile, it is hard to find the joy and good but You are here.
Until my heart stops beating I will stand because You told me to.
Can you please prop up my weak hands, this diseased body?
Hold me tight and show me where to go.

"Zooropa" - U2

"Gloria" - Brave Saint Saturn

"Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.

Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending."

1 Corinthians 1:18-21

"The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written,

I'll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots.
So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation."

Only a Soulless Machine Resides Here

Oh Lord, could I be more sick of me?
Every little message
heart beating heart
as I'm waiting to see?

It's like everything here
is just blinding
gouging out my mind's eye
while my heart longs
and longs for something more.

I need,
my soul
my being
every last part
every corner of my soul
screams for you
in the midst of this storm,
I stand here
being torn at
and feeling my skin ripped
as I cry your name
not knowing
not feeling
not caring
about what may come.

Without You
I am without
and I can't even feel,
my heart skips beats
and always falter,
it's only You
that redeems
that saves
that loves
and everything
that everything I am
can only be found
and resounds in You
and You alone
my Love.

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"An SEP is something we can't see, or don't see, or our brain doesn't let us see, because we think that it's somebody else's problem.... The brain just edits it out, it's like a blind spot. If you look at it directly you won't see it unless you know precisely what it is. Your only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye.

The technology required to actually make something invisible is so complex and unreliable that it isn't worth the bother. The "Somebody Else's Problem field" is much simpler and more effective, and "can be run for over a hundred years on a single torch battery."

This is because it relies on people's natural predisposition not to see anything they don't want to, weren't expecting, or can't explain."

-Ford Prefect, Douglas Adams "Life, the Universe and Everything"

Quote of the Day:

"This is why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response."
— Rob Bell

Building Babel on Your Back

I'm trying to climb Babel.
All I have are these machines
all I hear is this noise.
I'm trying to find purpose
and trying to find meaning
just so I can close this heart down.

I'm trying to climb baby
and find out who I am.
Looking for who you are
and trying to see what I can find.
No map,
no religion,
just bare instinct
bearing out a lost cause
as I fall and falter
while seeking shelter.

I want to be called a liar
and hear these tongues speak
and be heard about the crowd.
I feel the whisper in my soul
as we walk across this platitude
and you know that I know
just these conversations
are worthless
as a broken wheel
and this cog in your machine.

Be Free My Soul, Fly Free From this Machine

It was a good night.

But I ache...and feel so alone.
I hate the nights.
It would be so easy to drink or abuse pills...
Just so I could fill the emptiness.
It won't leave will it Lord?
It's going to be a long night.
Even with medication I can't sleep.
The fear keeps me up.
The fear of falling asleep long enough to wake up to realize it was all a dream.
That the pain will not end with my dreams or the night.
But vividly it will paint my life.
Pain and fear are so entwined.
I want to love, I want to be free.
Why can't I be free?

I feel like something is wrong and I will never heal.
I hate this void.
I feel it when I see a pretty girl I like.
It intensifies every time I'm around any family.
It almost becomes hate, because fear is it's seed.
The water is the blood of the innocent, those unfortunate to come near me.

I wish I knew who I was long enough to deny my name.
Peter couldn't keep close to You.
Paul hated You.
Everyone rejects You.
It would be a lie to say I love You.
I do not know who I am, how can I know You?
How can I genuinely love a Stranger?
Love He who made Love?

I want to cast away this generic religion.
It is everything I hate about me.
Every shallow finger pointing out that I'm a bastard child.
Every sin calling me the screwed up orphan I am.
Someone whose dad couldn't bother to stay around to see.
Someone who makes his family hate him enough to want to kick him out.
Someone who brings down the sins of the whole world because he deserves it.

I am.
I am Id.
I am destruction.
I am this pornographic display of unreasonable obscene violence towards the soul.
I want to be shallow enough to shut it up.
I want you to shut up.
I want to shut You up.
I want to hate you.
I want to desecrate this body, rip this soul apart and hate every single person.
I see them on cold indifferent meaningless lists that total up my solitude.
Glowing screens bringing us apart, apart.
Just making my soul scream as I want to rip it up.
I want to feel Your spirit leave so I can face this alone.
I want the Holiness gone.
I want to be alone.
I want to hurt alone.
I want to feel what it is to be free and independent.

Love, call it love and I am insincere.
Call it love and I call it hate.
Make me everything you want baby
just make sure it's never late.
Make sure you see
and take a picture
it'll last longer
and you can own this plastic yourself.

I want to feel the cutting steel
and the loosing of the ground
as I loose myself,
forget myself in lust
and loose it all to end it here,
just another bastard son
falling short of the glory
and crying about shame.

I hate me because I'm lost.
I lost the plot
and I am coming undone.

I want a hug.
I want to just be told it will be okay.
I know people love me
but I just want to feel my family doesn't hate me.
I want to be accepted.
I want to be loved son.
I'm tired of being the black sheep,
this bastard being punished
for my parents not caring enough
to be responsible.
I didn't ask to be made,
I never asked to be born.
I'm here.
Naked and ashamed.
It's no metaphors,
just my soul bearing it all
because of bearing it all
and here we are.

I never wanted this,
I never asked for life.
I didn't want to have a heart that would beat,
I never asked for a soul that could feel.
Why do I have a heart that bleeds
and feels such intense empathy?
You wouldn't believe me when I say
I look in your eyes and see the pain
that I carried it
and I still do.
You refused to believe that I cared
and I could set my soul on fire from the passion.
I'm just tired and dirty.
Poor poetry and worse prose.
What now?
What not?

Just judge and throw this away.
You came knowing what you wanted
so just take it anyway,
twist the words to your delight
and leave me to die.
You never gave a damn about me being here,
how I was born
and this body which will never die soon enough.

We're blind,
don't you see?
Our humanity blinds us from seeing
that we are so beautiful inside
and that until this flesh burns away
and is remade
we will fight this stupid fight
and die for the smallest lie.

My regret is hurting the innocent.
Jesus can forgive me
but I want to kill this monster
who only cares about hurting others
and is a time bomb
that will destroy you if you get too close.
I'm made of twisted wires
and corroded parts.
Everything about me screams of the temporal
and soon it will fade.
Everything will burn
and explode
and light this darkened night sky.
All I can request is to be quickly forgotten
and to be blessed with all being ignorant of I.

So freaking tired...I don't know if I want a deep discussion right now... =/

Profanity!

I missed it because of having to run an errand. =(

Wow.
...my pictures are every where on that site these days...o_O

http://www.umobile.edu/winrams/res_life/resLifeSurvey.html

Ubiquitous is quite the fun word.