Be Free My Soul, Fly Free From this Machine

It was a good night.

But I ache...and feel so alone.
I hate the nights.
It would be so easy to drink or abuse pills...
Just so I could fill the emptiness.
It won't leave will it Lord?
It's going to be a long night.
Even with medication I can't sleep.
The fear keeps me up.
The fear of falling asleep long enough to wake up to realize it was all a dream.
That the pain will not end with my dreams or the night.
But vividly it will paint my life.
Pain and fear are so entwined.
I want to love, I want to be free.
Why can't I be free?

I feel like something is wrong and I will never heal.
I hate this void.
I feel it when I see a pretty girl I like.
It intensifies every time I'm around any family.
It almost becomes hate, because fear is it's seed.
The water is the blood of the innocent, those unfortunate to come near me.

I wish I knew who I was long enough to deny my name.
Peter couldn't keep close to You.
Paul hated You.
Everyone rejects You.
It would be a lie to say I love You.
I do not know who I am, how can I know You?
How can I genuinely love a Stranger?
Love He who made Love?

I want to cast away this generic religion.
It is everything I hate about me.
Every shallow finger pointing out that I'm a bastard child.
Every sin calling me the screwed up orphan I am.
Someone whose dad couldn't bother to stay around to see.
Someone who makes his family hate him enough to want to kick him out.
Someone who brings down the sins of the whole world because he deserves it.

I am.
I am Id.
I am destruction.
I am this pornographic display of unreasonable obscene violence towards the soul.
I want to be shallow enough to shut it up.
I want you to shut up.
I want to shut You up.
I want to hate you.
I want to desecrate this body, rip this soul apart and hate every single person.
I see them on cold indifferent meaningless lists that total up my solitude.
Glowing screens bringing us apart, apart.
Just making my soul scream as I want to rip it up.
I want to feel Your spirit leave so I can face this alone.
I want the Holiness gone.
I want to be alone.
I want to hurt alone.
I want to feel what it is to be free and independent.

Love, call it love and I am insincere.
Call it love and I call it hate.
Make me everything you want baby
just make sure it's never late.
Make sure you see
and take a picture
it'll last longer
and you can own this plastic yourself.

I want to feel the cutting steel
and the loosing of the ground
as I loose myself,
forget myself in lust
and loose it all to end it here,
just another bastard son
falling short of the glory
and crying about shame.

I hate me because I'm lost.
I lost the plot
and I am coming undone.

I want a hug.
I want to just be told it will be okay.
I know people love me
but I just want to feel my family doesn't hate me.
I want to be accepted.
I want to be loved son.
I'm tired of being the black sheep,
this bastard being punished
for my parents not caring enough
to be responsible.
I didn't ask to be made,
I never asked to be born.
I'm here.
Naked and ashamed.
It's no metaphors,
just my soul bearing it all
because of bearing it all
and here we are.

I never wanted this,
I never asked for life.
I didn't want to have a heart that would beat,
I never asked for a soul that could feel.
Why do I have a heart that bleeds
and feels such intense empathy?
You wouldn't believe me when I say
I look in your eyes and see the pain
that I carried it
and I still do.
You refused to believe that I cared
and I could set my soul on fire from the passion.
I'm just tired and dirty.
Poor poetry and worse prose.
What now?
What not?

Just judge and throw this away.
You came knowing what you wanted
so just take it anyway,
twist the words to your delight
and leave me to die.
You never gave a damn about me being here,
how I was born
and this body which will never die soon enough.

We're blind,
don't you see?
Our humanity blinds us from seeing
that we are so beautiful inside
and that until this flesh burns away
and is remade
we will fight this stupid fight
and die for the smallest lie.

My regret is hurting the innocent.
Jesus can forgive me
but I want to kill this monster
who only cares about hurting others
and is a time bomb
that will destroy you if you get too close.
I'm made of twisted wires
and corroded parts.
Everything about me screams of the temporal
and soon it will fade.
Everything will burn
and explode
and light this darkened night sky.
All I can request is to be quickly forgotten
and to be blessed with all being ignorant of I.