Writing Without

Writing is almost like I'm trying to work at saving my soul.
My mind is so out of sync with life, love and liberty.
I'm here and there and everywhere.
I want to run free in an empty field of Your love.
I want to dance close enough to feel Your heartbeat.

Every day feels more distant than the last.
I have these incredibly intoxicating high points followed by falling deep into the depths of despair and pain.

Who are You?
Who am I?

I am me.
Just me.
Writing to understand.
Asking questions to learn.
Begging for more because I'm so needy.
A lovely looser of a sinner I am.
Looking in this pale silver and trying not to forget my face.
But trying to learn from You.

All I am certain of is this doubt and failure but this Love...this intoxicating Love is something I am addicted to. I want to share it, I want to live it...I want to be immersed in and breath You every second of my dying life...I want to pass from this world of shadows and into Your Light now...I want everything out of focus to fade away and only Your face become clear.

I am not wanting to fight for me.
Can I take a backseat to You?
Or is that just another sin?
To pretend I am not an individual so I can hide in fear?

I want to be immersed in this intoxicating love and write and be free.
I hate this distance.
I want to feel my Love.
I can't stand knowing we're divide by this ocean.
First it was by my sin.
Now it is this vast ocean of temporal time that must evaporate before I can be with You.

Who I am, who I am becoming I do not know...I am afraid of seeing me because it means responsibility.

Is going to Mobile the right decision?
My soul is exhausted from not being able to serve.
I need rest from this toxic place.
I wish to never return.
I want to go Home.
I want to feel the dying sunlight on my back and know I am walking into the eternal Love of which I can scarcely dream.

I know You but only barely.
I have pledged my soul and this life to You...but I do not even know what that means anymore.
I want to stand where I am supposed to.
I'm...tired, scared, without and so...so empty and in need of Your love.

I feel it surging through me...every second, every last bit of life...everything I ever wanted and felt.
I don't know but I do...

It is like the best excuse I could come up with me...was to feel as though I am nothing.





I am leaving for Mobile...I am going to leave before I'm thrown out.
I have to fight for the future that I am looking into...
I am afraid, so much afraid my Love, almost terrified.
But I refuse to lay here and die.
I could.
I have almost ended it before and I could.
But I want to life.
I'm not going to leave yet, until You carry me home I will fight until I die.
It is a struggle to smile, it is hard to find the joy and good but You are here.
Until my heart stops beating I will stand because You told me to.
Can you please prop up my weak hands, this diseased body?
Hold me tight and show me where to go.