Ah reincarnation...has absolutely nothing to do with my spiritual or religious beliefs but for fun sake here are some things I wish I was either born as or if I get screwed over and sent back I will like to be:
-A rock.
-A grain of sand.
-A teaspoon.
-A droplet of rain.
-A hydrogen atom.
-A philosophical tangent.
Or my personal favorite:
-A Cherry Blossom.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Nice Night
I made brownies for my best friend's birthday and took aforementioned brownies and hung out with him and his wife.
Me and James have been playing through this new game called Borderlands that he got for his birthday. It's an interesting attempt to breath new life into the incredibly tired realm of first person shooters by injecting RPG elements into it (think Fallout 3 except an actual attempt at giving slightly less linear game play with more weapons then you can shake a stick at). I could use more RPG elements and more story...but games these days are tailored fit to a generation that responds to short attention spans that only like shiny things, explosions and shiny explosions.
But it was a fun night.
We ate a good number of the brownies and consumed and unhealthy amount of caffeine.
Sadly we never got around to recording ourselves while we played the game because some absurd stuff occurred.
Many classic lines involving accusations of me drugging the brownies, large amounts of conversation questioning the very nature of reality and James and myself laughing like mad anytime a sufficient enough explosions happened or one of us did something awesome.
It was nice.
Reminded me of the few things I actually enjoy in this area.
But...I can't wait to move.
I'll miss the few friends I'm still on really good terms with...but I feel more exciting things are yet to come.
I've been reading through "Jesus Loves You This I Know" which was coauthored by Craig Gross, founder of xxxchurch.com ministries, and God this book is so exciting!
It reminds me why I was called to ministry...to go to the gutter and tell people Jesus loves them regardless of their past or present...we aren't called to be perfect before we are loved...instead we are called to be transformed by His love and power.
I want to get into the gutter God has called me to...I want to find this area...with or without friends, past or present.
I'm willing to go...it's just following.
Does this make sense to anyone else?
I'm so sick of being told what we can't do...who we can't go to...I want to find where I'm being called and go. Regardless of my health...I want to be poured out and to empty myself so I can be filled with Love, true everylasting Love.
If I can give myself, surrender myself to this flames and let all this spiritual fat burn away and all this unneeded baggage...I want to go. I want to love everyone, show the 'worst sinner' that they are loved unconditonally by the same Jesus who saved and loves me.
It's going to hut so bad, I'm going to loose everything on this planet...but I don't care anymore. If I can't have Jesus, if I can't go where I'm called then to Hell with all of this anyways. I'm alive now and may be dead soon anyways...what do other things matter? Possessions? Money? Health? Relationships?
God will provide what I need if I just go...but where is it?
Am I on the right path by getting this job, saving up money and checking out schools in California? Should I still keep applying for a ministry internship in Vegas with xxxchurch? Where do I go from here Father? Show me! Please!
I'm so sick of me and I'm so in need of You!
Please...show me the door and I'll go crashing through it with a freaking bat if I have to...I just need to know.
Please.
Me and James have been playing through this new game called Borderlands that he got for his birthday. It's an interesting attempt to breath new life into the incredibly tired realm of first person shooters by injecting RPG elements into it (think Fallout 3 except an actual attempt at giving slightly less linear game play with more weapons then you can shake a stick at). I could use more RPG elements and more story...but games these days are tailored fit to a generation that responds to short attention spans that only like shiny things, explosions and shiny explosions.
But it was a fun night.
We ate a good number of the brownies and consumed and unhealthy amount of caffeine.
Sadly we never got around to recording ourselves while we played the game because some absurd stuff occurred.
Many classic lines involving accusations of me drugging the brownies, large amounts of conversation questioning the very nature of reality and James and myself laughing like mad anytime a sufficient enough explosions happened or one of us did something awesome.
It was nice.
Reminded me of the few things I actually enjoy in this area.
But...I can't wait to move.
I'll miss the few friends I'm still on really good terms with...but I feel more exciting things are yet to come.
I've been reading through "Jesus Loves You This I Know" which was coauthored by Craig Gross, founder of xxxchurch.com ministries, and God this book is so exciting!
It reminds me why I was called to ministry...to go to the gutter and tell people Jesus loves them regardless of their past or present...we aren't called to be perfect before we are loved...instead we are called to be transformed by His love and power.
I want to get into the gutter God has called me to...I want to find this area...with or without friends, past or present.
I'm willing to go...it's just following.
Does this make sense to anyone else?
I'm so sick of being told what we can't do...who we can't go to...I want to find where I'm being called and go. Regardless of my health...I want to be poured out and to empty myself so I can be filled with Love, true everylasting Love.
If I can give myself, surrender myself to this flames and let all this spiritual fat burn away and all this unneeded baggage...I want to go. I want to love everyone, show the 'worst sinner' that they are loved unconditonally by the same Jesus who saved and loves me.
It's going to hut so bad, I'm going to loose everything on this planet...but I don't care anymore. If I can't have Jesus, if I can't go where I'm called then to Hell with all of this anyways. I'm alive now and may be dead soon anyways...what do other things matter? Possessions? Money? Health? Relationships?
God will provide what I need if I just go...but where is it?
Am I on the right path by getting this job, saving up money and checking out schools in California? Should I still keep applying for a ministry internship in Vegas with xxxchurch? Where do I go from here Father? Show me! Please!
I'm so sick of me and I'm so in need of You!
Please...show me the door and I'll go crashing through it with a freaking bat if I have to...I just need to know.
Please.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Pain.
Hooray.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll learn whatever lesson it is I am supposed to from this...shall we say...proverbial Hell and I will wake up tomorrow a new man!
Or maybe as a rutabaga plant!
I would take being a rutabaga over me anyday.
At least rutabagas are not known to offend people, hurt their feelings, be rude to them, be in any real substantial relationship and in general have a great non-nerve and non-feeling time!
Hooray!
Hooray.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll learn whatever lesson it is I am supposed to from this...shall we say...proverbial Hell and I will wake up tomorrow a new man!
Or maybe as a rutabaga plant!
I would take being a rutabaga over me anyday.
At least rutabagas are not known to offend people, hurt their feelings, be rude to them, be in any real substantial relationship and in general have a great non-nerve and non-feeling time!
Hooray!
Silent Moonlight
I don't know when we'll see
I don't know when we can meet again
I don't know when the music will start
just so we can slow dance once more.
I just know the loneliness of silence
ringing in a house
that never could be a home
as I wait for insight
that might never come.
Sparks of light flicker through the air
as moonlight dies as clouds pass by
and there is no song
no music to free
nothing to remind of why we came to be.
I'm not asking for blood
and I'm not giving my angst
I just want to know
if all this worth it.
If the pain, the tears
and dull ache
are setting you free.
I need to know
if my sacrifice
will give you clearance
and freedom to fly.
I bite my tongue,
not to hold back venom
but to set you free
to give you wings
and blessings from above
as I ache to understand
just where
just how
if any of this matters.
With or without any
any of these cares
or matters or dreams
I bid you well
and a good night.
I retire to my cave
the dwelling I made
and know not what to hope for.
A return of status quo
or for redemption.
I falter in breath
and in sight.
All that I know,
is I wish simply to go Home.
I don't know when we can meet again
I don't know when the music will start
just so we can slow dance once more.
I just know the loneliness of silence
ringing in a house
that never could be a home
as I wait for insight
that might never come.
Sparks of light flicker through the air
as moonlight dies as clouds pass by
and there is no song
no music to free
nothing to remind of why we came to be.
I'm not asking for blood
and I'm not giving my angst
I just want to know
if all this worth it.
If the pain, the tears
and dull ache
are setting you free.
I need to know
if my sacrifice
will give you clearance
and freedom to fly.
I bite my tongue,
not to hold back venom
but to set you free
to give you wings
and blessings from above
as I ache to understand
just where
just how
if any of this matters.
With or without any
any of these cares
or matters or dreams
I bid you well
and a good night.
I retire to my cave
the dwelling I made
and know not what to hope for.
A return of status quo
or for redemption.
I falter in breath
and in sight.
All that I know,
is I wish simply to go Home.
Quote of the Day:
"I realized that it was not by wisdom that poets write their poetry, but by a kind of nature or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets; for these also say many beautiful things, but do not know anything of what they say."
-Socrates
-Socrates
Friday, October 23, 2009
Quote of the Day, the Fourth:
“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Quote of the Day - Part Three:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis
I know that is the truth...but if the price of love...of friendships...of making family is nothing but this bitter sting of pain and isolation...I wish I never would have had it to begin with. I wish I never breathed the air of this same terra firma as the notion of pain and love...I wish the best possible of worlds truly did exist and it was nowhere near this Hell.
That is my current struggle.
I want to close my heart, my mind, my soul and just let it rot...or just end it all.
I don't like who I am or what I have become...so bitter and jaded over doing the right thing. I don't think...in fact I know it isn't just you...or one or two other things...it's a life that has been spiraling downward for years trying to serve myself.
I want peace, I want grace...I want...
Yeah, I want that too.
But I just can't live with it, I can't function without it.
It's angst, it's been drawn and cut off, it's been reminded that to live is to hurt...and hurting and pain are how we define our existence...UNTIL we find something bigger than ourselves.
And I have that in You Love...it's just the rest of your damn creation that is driving me mad right now. Your daughters and sons...someday...I hope we can sit down and have a chat about this. I can have my cat and dog there...and just be held by you while I cry about the pain and have You take it away...drawing the venom and pain from my soul as give me grace, give me the eternal love that You are.
-C.S. Lewis
I know that is the truth...but if the price of love...of friendships...of making family is nothing but this bitter sting of pain and isolation...I wish I never would have had it to begin with. I wish I never breathed the air of this same terra firma as the notion of pain and love...I wish the best possible of worlds truly did exist and it was nowhere near this Hell.
That is my current struggle.
I want to close my heart, my mind, my soul and just let it rot...or just end it all.
I don't like who I am or what I have become...so bitter and jaded over doing the right thing. I don't think...in fact I know it isn't just you...or one or two other things...it's a life that has been spiraling downward for years trying to serve myself.
I want peace, I want grace...I want...
Yeah, I want that too.
But I just can't live with it, I can't function without it.
It's angst, it's been drawn and cut off, it's been reminded that to live is to hurt...and hurting and pain are how we define our existence...UNTIL we find something bigger than ourselves.
And I have that in You Love...it's just the rest of your damn creation that is driving me mad right now. Your daughters and sons...someday...I hope we can sit down and have a chat about this. I can have my cat and dog there...and just be held by you while I cry about the pain and have You take it away...drawing the venom and pain from my soul as give me grace, give me the eternal love that You are.
"The thought it comes to my mind, to somehow intervene
But it could bring me trouble, and what can I do anyway?
It's hard to be effective when it happens so often
To see a life unraveling, through drawn venetian blinds
I'm sickened by compassion, I'm stifled by my limitations
Anesthetic apathy, come take the pain away."
But it could bring me trouble, and what can I do anyway?
It's hard to be effective when it happens so often
To see a life unraveling, through drawn venetian blinds
I'm sickened by compassion, I'm stifled by my limitations
Anesthetic apathy, come take the pain away."
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
"Sometimes you say things in songs even if there's a small chance of them being true. And sometimes you say things that have nothing to do with the truth of what you want to say and sometimes you say things that everyone knows to be true. Then again, at the same time, you're thinking that the only truth on earth is that there is no truth on it. Whatever you are saying, you're saying in a ricky-tick way. There's never time to reflect. You stitched and pressed and packed and drove, is what you did."
-Bob Dylan
-Bob Dylan
Blood Stained Eyes
I need to be stronger than this,
what are tears but fallen water?
Expressionless water wasted
dripping at an unpredictable rate
as I wonder
and I wonder why
not knowing how
but feeling
and hoping
that the love we share
is as eternal as Your light
and infinite as your peace.
I'm struggling to find footing
trying to just breath in this world
You know I need You
more now, more than ever
and I'm loosing my step
forgetting my breath
like the way Home.
Make me a way
give me the strength
It's late and I'm already crying
needing only what You can give me.
what are tears but fallen water?
Expressionless water wasted
dripping at an unpredictable rate
as I wonder
and I wonder why
not knowing how
but feeling
and hoping
that the love we share
is as eternal as Your light
and infinite as your peace.
I'm struggling to find footing
trying to just breath in this world
You know I need You
more now, more than ever
and I'm loosing my step
forgetting my breath
like the way Home.
Make me a way
give me the strength
It's late and I'm already crying
needing only what You can give me.
Can't sleep...problems keeping me up.
Listening to Queen's '86 Wembley concert while reading "Jesus Loves You This I Know".
Music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdGcX-s99Rg&feature=PlayList&p=14B841A896833C5C&index=0
Book:
http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Loves-You-This-I-Know/dp/0801013291/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256287048&sr=8-1
I started a couple of hours ago and I'm almost done with the book...really good read, important stuff about getting back to the roots of Jesus' love in doing ministry. God I want to do this so bad...
Listening to Queen's '86 Wembley concert while reading "Jesus Loves You This I Know".
Music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdGcX-s99Rg&feature=PlayList&p=14B841A896833C5C&index=0
Book:
http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Loves-You-This-I-Know/dp/0801013291/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256287048&sr=8-1
I started a couple of hours ago and I'm almost done with the book...really good read, important stuff about getting back to the roots of Jesus' love in doing ministry. God I want to do this so bad...
Quote of the Day:
"In our sleep, pain which cannot beget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
-Aeschylus
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
-Aeschylus
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