"They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star"
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A Journey Through Your Mind and Soul
Being the king of this trash heap, I can get anything I see my eyes on.
I can win the dreams of impossibility but the one real, tangible, practical and necessarily unnecessary thing I cannot find.
I do not ask for much but much is given.
I simply speak and kings bow.
I stand and riches are handed.
But of the eternal?
Of the everlasting?
So often it is naught to be found in this.
What am I to become?
My hands are weak and my soul thirsts.
Where are you?
Where did you traverse?
On what plane must I travel to see you?
I can speak in alien tongues, sing the songs of elves and birds but still without You I lack.
Where is this fountain I seek?
Where is this intoxication of love?
Is it a myth or mere misconception of the fool?
I traverse this wasteland, I hunger and thirst while looking for You.
I have memorized thousands of lines that I recite by night as I wander by day.
The moon is my mistress, the stars my hand servants and the sun my adversary.
My body aches, not from the leagues I have traversed but from those yet to come.
Not the sacrifices I have made but that the absolute worst is yet to come.
I seek the face of one who has looked away, that no longer sees me as me but merely me as at caricature.
At some point things traversed to a point of no understanding and now we are both left with an ever increasing chasm between us.
I'm walking through this desert wasteland, not searching for water but chasing phantoms. I see the marks in the sand, the fire pits and the evidence that my quarry is in fact human or at least prefers to make me think of it as such.
Shades of the past, a spectrum of color and belittled hope.
What of this drought of hope?
Sincerity or lies to cleverly disguise what is fraught?
I can win the dreams of impossibility but the one real, tangible, practical and necessarily unnecessary thing I cannot find.
I do not ask for much but much is given.
I simply speak and kings bow.
I stand and riches are handed.
But of the eternal?
Of the everlasting?
So often it is naught to be found in this.
What am I to become?
My hands are weak and my soul thirsts.
Where are you?
Where did you traverse?
On what plane must I travel to see you?
I can speak in alien tongues, sing the songs of elves and birds but still without You I lack.
Where is this fountain I seek?
Where is this intoxication of love?
Is it a myth or mere misconception of the fool?
I traverse this wasteland, I hunger and thirst while looking for You.
I have memorized thousands of lines that I recite by night as I wander by day.
The moon is my mistress, the stars my hand servants and the sun my adversary.
My body aches, not from the leagues I have traversed but from those yet to come.
Not the sacrifices I have made but that the absolute worst is yet to come.
I seek the face of one who has looked away, that no longer sees me as me but merely me as at caricature.
At some point things traversed to a point of no understanding and now we are both left with an ever increasing chasm between us.
I'm walking through this desert wasteland, not searching for water but chasing phantoms. I see the marks in the sand, the fire pits and the evidence that my quarry is in fact human or at least prefers to make me think of it as such.
Shades of the past, a spectrum of color and belittled hope.
What of this drought of hope?
Sincerity or lies to cleverly disguise what is fraught?
Quote of the Day:
"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more."
-Donald Miller
-Donald Miller
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Wretchedness. The only thing that consoles us for out miseries is distraction, yet that is the greatest of our wretchednesses. Because that is what mainly prevents us from thinking about ourselves and leads us imperceptibly to damnation. Without it we should be bored, and boredom would force us to search for a firmer way out, but distraction entertains us and leads us imperceptibly to death."
-Blase Pascal
-Blase Pascal
"Touch" - Delirious?
I, I really want to get to know you
I really want to get to show you how
How I really feel
And now, another page is turning
Another day is dawning here
For everyone to see
And I'm on my knees
'Cause I love you
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
I, I really want to get to know you
I really wish you'd show me how
The way it's meant to be
And please, deliver me from walking
Beyond the truth that called me here
I'm not ashamed today
And I'm on my knees
'Cause I love you
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
I've been torn again,
The curtain's been torn again
I really want to get to show you how
How I really feel
And now, another page is turning
Another day is dawning here
For everyone to see
And I'm on my knees
'Cause I love you
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
I, I really want to get to know you
I really wish you'd show me how
The way it's meant to be
And please, deliver me from walking
Beyond the truth that called me here
I'm not ashamed today
And I'm on my knees
'Cause I love you
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
And when you, touch my life
I've been born again
I am born again
I've been torn again,
The curtain's been torn again
Bloodstains
I'm on the verge of insanity of a breakthrough?
The cross is on my mind...I can't forget it...I feel the splinters, smell the sweet sick taste of blood and know this my treason personified.
I've been in love with You my whole love, before I could breath I was destined to be hopelessly enamored in You, every breath has been leading me to this moment of exhausted recollection...while I contemplate this impossible and unbelievable love.
In ways...I just want to cut everything and everyone else out so I can spend eternity talking to you...being lost as my this broken soul attempts to commune in love.
I want to loose my life, loose this life, these falsehoods and feel the temporal peel back to let the eternal flow. I want to go to church and love You with others...I want to talk with others about this Love...this SOLE reason I exist.
Have You still called me to act a Shepard for the wayward?
Who am I that You called me to salvation?
Give me this grace...much less have hold me and carried me.
Oh Love, Love, Love...don't let this end.
Hold me through this cancer of the soul and give me strength.
Beloved, beautiful creator, speak to me and give me the strength to say no and just move forward, as hard as it is, take this please.
"Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
To Christ, who won for sinners grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore,
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore."
The cross is on my mind...I can't forget it...I feel the splinters, smell the sweet sick taste of blood and know this my treason personified.
I've been in love with You my whole love, before I could breath I was destined to be hopelessly enamored in You, every breath has been leading me to this moment of exhausted recollection...while I contemplate this impossible and unbelievable love.
In ways...I just want to cut everything and everyone else out so I can spend eternity talking to you...being lost as my this broken soul attempts to commune in love.
I want to loose my life, loose this life, these falsehoods and feel the temporal peel back to let the eternal flow. I want to go to church and love You with others...I want to talk with others about this Love...this SOLE reason I exist.
Have You still called me to act a Shepard for the wayward?
Who am I that You called me to salvation?
Give me this grace...much less have hold me and carried me.
Oh Love, Love, Love...don't let this end.
Hold me through this cancer of the soul and give me strength.
Beloved, beautiful creator, speak to me and give me the strength to say no and just move forward, as hard as it is, take this please.
"Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
To Christ, who won for sinners grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore,
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore."
"Eyes on Me" - Faye Wong, Final Fantasy VIII Official Soundtrack
Hard to believe Final Fantasy VIII is already a decade old.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Final_Fantasy_VIII
Goodness it makes me feel old.
Many good memories of the amazing story...can't believe this video is still around. I downloaded it off of Kazaa back in 2002. Amazing song though.
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I want to say hello like I want to take a breath of air.
I want to say good night like it was going outta style.
And here we are,
same as before
same story
just another song
dancing along
never knowing how we got here
where we were going
or how,
just how to get off of this train.
It's on the radio
this tune I'm playing on piano
the humming noise
that every time
in every way
was the tune for everyday
we shared
we laughed
we cried to
and never could know why.
It's a story of life
of the times
of fallen pride
the things we tried
and life, dear life
the beauty we never knew
as we could hope
and dream on stars,
prayers and have faith
that the dawn
was on the way.
I'm trying to hold back the pain
I feel when I remember
how it felt
to just fall
and hear the song of love
knowing this was that
and this was never to be true
even in thoughts of You.
I want to say good night like it was going outta style.
And here we are,
same as before
same story
just another song
dancing along
never knowing how we got here
where we were going
or how,
just how to get off of this train.
It's on the radio
this tune I'm playing on piano
the humming noise
that every time
in every way
was the tune for everyday
we shared
we laughed
we cried to
and never could know why.
It's a story of life
of the times
of fallen pride
the things we tried
and life, dear life
the beauty we never knew
as we could hope
and dream on stars,
prayers and have faith
that the dawn
was on the way.
I'm trying to hold back the pain
I feel when I remember
how it felt
to just fall
and hear the song of love
knowing this was that
and this was never to be true
even in thoughts of You.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."
-Anne Lamott
-Anne Lamott
For those in need of some good reading material...
As a general rule I don't like playing the role of marketing lackey but I felt the need to write about these two books:
I."Jesus Loves You...This I Know" - Craig Gross
http://www.jesuslovesyou.net/#public
Ah, xxxChurch.com, one of the few ministries I can honestly endorse by saying they are making a positive impact in the world. As one can simply tell from their name they are not shy when it comes to controversy and instead of taking the stereotypical evangelical approach of picket lines they take a more direct approach: they go to porn conventions and hand out Bibles and t-shirts that say "Jesus loves porn stars" and recently they moved their ministry headquarters to Las Vegas and do regular ministry to the brothels, strip clubs and on the Vegas strip itself.
The latest book that the leader and cofounder of the ministry is called "Jesus Loves You..." and although i have only read the first chapter of it, it is amazing. Plus they are offering a really awesome deal where you get several free books if you order the new one today:
http://xxxchurch.com/blogs/news/onedayonlyoctober13thamazonspecial.html
The book itself is an attempt to cut through the ideas of using love as a commodity and tool in the church and instead apply love to everyone and in every situation. Legalism can only get religion in a person, Christianity is more than a series of rules about how we interact with God and one another.
Jesus is the thesis of Christianity. That Love and the personal relationship is what give a contextual meaning to the Old Testament and the Law of Moses. It's that love which changes lives, including my own.
II."A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" - Donald Miller
http://www.amazon.com/Million-Miles-Thousand-Years-Learned/dp/0785213066
Mr.Donald Miller.
What can I say?
Anything this man writes is pure literary gold and he is one part of my Three Favorite Awesome Contemporary Christian Writers Who Regularly Melt My Mind (included in that list is Anne Lamott and Rob Bell). His best selling book is the well known"Blue Like Jazz" and is one of my favorite books.
His latest literary offering is about story and it's impact in how we live our lives. It sounds like a corny self help but seriously, this is one of the BEST books I have read this year and would highly recommend it to everyone else that is going through a 'What the heck do I do with my life existential like crisis'.
I."Jesus Loves You...This I Know" - Craig Gross
http://www.jesuslovesyou.net/#public
Ah, xxxChurch.com, one of the few ministries I can honestly endorse by saying they are making a positive impact in the world. As one can simply tell from their name they are not shy when it comes to controversy and instead of taking the stereotypical evangelical approach of picket lines they take a more direct approach: they go to porn conventions and hand out Bibles and t-shirts that say "Jesus loves porn stars" and recently they moved their ministry headquarters to Las Vegas and do regular ministry to the brothels, strip clubs and on the Vegas strip itself.
The latest book that the leader and cofounder of the ministry is called "Jesus Loves You..." and although i have only read the first chapter of it, it is amazing. Plus they are offering a really awesome deal where you get several free books if you order the new one today:
http://xxxchurch.com/blogs/news/onedayonlyoctober13thamazonspecial.html
The book itself is an attempt to cut through the ideas of using love as a commodity and tool in the church and instead apply love to everyone and in every situation. Legalism can only get religion in a person, Christianity is more than a series of rules about how we interact with God and one another.
Jesus is the thesis of Christianity. That Love and the personal relationship is what give a contextual meaning to the Old Testament and the Law of Moses. It's that love which changes lives, including my own.
II."A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" - Donald Miller
http://www.amazon.com/Million-Miles-Thousand-Years-Learned/dp/0785213066
Mr.Donald Miller.
What can I say?
Anything this man writes is pure literary gold and he is one part of my Three Favorite Awesome Contemporary Christian Writers Who Regularly Melt My Mind (included in that list is Anne Lamott and Rob Bell). His best selling book is the well known"Blue Like Jazz" and is one of my favorite books.
His latest literary offering is about story and it's impact in how we live our lives. It sounds like a corny self help but seriously, this is one of the BEST books I have read this year and would highly recommend it to everyone else that is going through a 'What the heck do I do with my life existential like crisis'.
Life Laundry List
Okay.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. So I have devised three categories to fit everything in.
I.Danger
II.Caution
III. Yay!
I believe they are each self explanatory enough to press on listing.
I.Danger:
Job
1.Finding something that pays.
2.Redoing lost philosophy essays and resubmit them to 'Ze Muse'
3.Attempt to locate other online writing jobs.
School
1.Applying
-Narrow the list down to three schools.
-Complete FASFA
-Send in the applications post hate via carrier pigeon or whatever is the modern day equivalent.
2.Visiting
-Contact family and friends that live near the 'target' areas.
-Call the school and set up a date.
-Use the money from the 'Job' to buy a plane ticket/gas/prayer/epic level gryphon mount and proceed to the school.
Figure Out Something to Study
1.English
2.Music
3.Masters of Divinity
4.Masters of Philosophy/Humanities
II.Caution:
Moving
1.California
-Three target schools, family and friends, NANOWRIMO HQ, large ministry opportunities in nontraditional settings
2.Chicago, IL
-Friends willing to help me find a job and save up for doing school
3.Las Vegas, NV
-Headquarters of xxxchurch.com ministry and my ideal internship
4.Mobile, AL
-Home of the University of Mobile and a few friends.
5.Dallas, TX
-Has at least one target school and a few friends.
6.Portland, OR
-Has a couple of target schools and Donald Miller lives here.
7.Seattle, WA
-A target school, a few friends, Pike's Place Market, the first Starbucks and the HQ of Wizards of the Coast
8.Atlanta, GA
-Rich billionaire friend. 'Nuff said.
9.Great Britain
-Friend and possible schools, JRR Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter, T.S. Elliot and their amazing accents.
10.Canada
-Friends and possible schools.
11.New Zealand
-Hobbits, Mt.Doom, Flight of the Conchords, Brooke Fraser, Phil Joel (formerly of the Newsboys) and amazing accents.
12.Ireland
-U2, Bono, Bob Geldof, C.S. Lewis, James Joyce, amazing accents
13.Falsify papers and immigrate to Israel.
-Jews for Jesus.
14.Japan
-Anime, Hideo Kojima, Yasuhiro Nightow, Nobuo Umetsu
III.Yay!:
1.Realm Wars on Facebook
2.Shadowrun campaign in Montgomery
3.Dragonriders of Pern message board campaign
4.Refine bass guitar skills
5.Learn acoustic guitar.
6.Laugh in the face of music theory.
7.NANOWRIMO
8.WoW RP events
I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. So I have devised three categories to fit everything in.
I.Danger
II.Caution
III. Yay!
I believe they are each self explanatory enough to press on listing.
I.Danger:
Job
1.Finding something that pays.
2.Redoing lost philosophy essays and resubmit them to 'Ze Muse'
3.Attempt to locate other online writing jobs.
School
1.Applying
-Narrow the list down to three schools.
-Complete FASFA
-Send in the applications post hate via carrier pigeon or whatever is the modern day equivalent.
2.Visiting
-Contact family and friends that live near the 'target' areas.
-Call the school and set up a date.
-Use the money from the 'Job' to buy a plane ticket/gas/prayer/epic level gryphon mount and proceed to the school.
Figure Out Something to Study
1.English
2.Music
3.Masters of Divinity
4.Masters of Philosophy/Humanities
II.Caution:
Moving
1.California
-Three target schools, family and friends, NANOWRIMO HQ, large ministry opportunities in nontraditional settings
2.Chicago, IL
-Friends willing to help me find a job and save up for doing school
3.Las Vegas, NV
-Headquarters of xxxchurch.com ministry and my ideal internship
4.Mobile, AL
-Home of the University of Mobile and a few friends.
5.Dallas, TX
-Has at least one target school and a few friends.
6.Portland, OR
-Has a couple of target schools and Donald Miller lives here.
7.Seattle, WA
-A target school, a few friends, Pike's Place Market, the first Starbucks and the HQ of Wizards of the Coast
8.Atlanta, GA
-Rich billionaire friend. 'Nuff said.
9.Great Britain
-Friend and possible schools, JRR Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter, T.S. Elliot and their amazing accents.
10.Canada
-Friends and possible schools.
11.New Zealand
-Hobbits, Mt.Doom, Flight of the Conchords, Brooke Fraser, Phil Joel (formerly of the Newsboys) and amazing accents.
12.Ireland
-U2, Bono, Bob Geldof, C.S. Lewis, James Joyce, amazing accents
13.Falsify papers and immigrate to Israel.
-Jews for Jesus.
14.Japan
-Anime, Hideo Kojima, Yasuhiro Nightow, Nobuo Umetsu
III.Yay!:
1.Realm Wars on Facebook
2.Shadowrun campaign in Montgomery
3.Dragonriders of Pern message board campaign
4.Refine bass guitar skills
5.Learn acoustic guitar.
6.Laugh in the face of music theory.
7.NANOWRIMO
8.WoW RP events
Monday, October 12, 2009
Hooray for being a screw up!
On the plus side facebook actually proved useful in letting me know about my mom's birthday a few days ahead of time.
God, that is so sad.
I can't remember numbers and dates to save my life.
Tomorrow is in fact another day...it's a step...somewhere at least.
Shoo angst don't bother me. =/
On the plus side facebook actually proved useful in letting me know about my mom's birthday a few days ahead of time.
God, that is so sad.
I can't remember numbers and dates to save my life.
Tomorrow is in fact another day...it's a step...somewhere at least.
Shoo angst don't bother me. =/
I want to hide, I'm afraid of what I am opening now.
Just speaking seems like a sin and I see no real way out.
I keep looking, trying to breath, begging for a way out and a way to see and everything is blank.
What is this?
What is going on?
I think it's less scary to be involved with questions because the answers are so definitive and terrifying.
I want to run away but I want better grammar.
Does it matter when I hurt as well?
I don't know how to answer these problems except to say not knowing is still in fact a type of knowing, just not one people are happy with.
Should I move?
Am I just being delusional?
If I can beg, borrow or metaphorically steal the money I'm going...
...just where is up to You and...maybe...
...but if I am not careful it will be nothing more than second guesses about guesses and God the pain, the pain of change and knowing that You love me enough to never leave me here.
Bless me even if it kills me Father.
Just speaking seems like a sin and I see no real way out.
I keep looking, trying to breath, begging for a way out and a way to see and everything is blank.
What is this?
What is going on?
I think it's less scary to be involved with questions because the answers are so definitive and terrifying.
I want to run away but I want better grammar.
Does it matter when I hurt as well?
I don't know how to answer these problems except to say not knowing is still in fact a type of knowing, just not one people are happy with.
Should I move?
Am I just being delusional?
If I can beg, borrow or metaphorically steal the money I'm going...
...just where is up to You and...maybe...
...but if I am not careful it will be nothing more than second guesses about guesses and God the pain, the pain of change and knowing that You love me enough to never leave me here.
Bless me even if it kills me Father.
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