It's not an issue of age...it's an issue of the feelings of being rocked and buffeted by time. The times of sand swirling around my feet and making a picture perfect reflection of everything I miss and regret.
It is something special...to know when you are lost.
I can't pretend to be something I'm not.
Things are falling in place...becoming something else.
The night is dark, the lights are dimmed.
It's just the two of us here and whoever else that is looking in.
Is this infinite really here and out there?
Did You speak and allow the rose of love to flourish and blossom?
I hate being in this darkness...could You move closer?
I feel the music moving through me...seconds ticking past.
The sands moving faster in rhythm.
I don't care about music or writing right now.
All of this is dying.
Like a tooth ache they just make me long to forget.
Would it be possible to live apart from my ego?
Wrap Your hand around my heart,
keep it warm.
Keep the blood pumping
just so I can feel.
The night is late
but I'm not ready to depart.
I'm not praying to transform
but to sooth this aching
that I might heal.
And maybe to lessen how great
this divide is between us.
It is impossible to run from everything
but hope yet lives.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
C.S. Lewis quote
I keep trying the source of this quote but I simply have had no luck.
Drat.
"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink, sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
Drat.
"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink, sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Northland Church notes 8-9-09
"I Don't Believe in Christ Because of Christians"
...waiting for the music to end and the sermon to start...the topic by itself sounds like something that has freaking bothered me for almost a decade. Using people as an excuse has always seemed incredibly lame to me...but seeing and feeling the hypocrisy on a personal level (I don't even want to look at the mirror right now)...the fact that the Church hasn't fallen apart and that people continue to have changed lives to me is EVIDENCE that there is something more than a community wide self delusion.
Truth is a living, vivid and powerful force that is not subjective to time and human interference...of course the conveying of that Truth can be marred by miscommunication...but that Truth is You...that Truth exists an actual Being...like in John chapter one where it talked about the Word...which is Jesus bu in Greek the word for Word is Logos...truth...this being...this absolute.
This beautiful horror of an absolute unbreakable love that transcends our mistakes and our evil.
...
Matthew 23:13, 25:10
Genesis 4:7
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
1 Peter 2:1
Galatians 2:20
Matthew 12:48, 50
The point of carrying the gospel is because earth is supposed to be more like heaven.
Few people rationally think out their beliefs to the point of why they do or do not believe in a doctrine...and question. It's base instinct that drives and make people decide what is 'true' or 'false'.
They do not read the scripture or pray before making a decision...their first 'Bible' is the Christians they see.
Matthew 23:13
-The only period where Jesus has a sustained anger is in dealing with hypocritical religious leaders who suppressed people pushing them from God.
People do not always come out and say it but they are looking...saying you are a Christian, much less minister, is opening a world of critique and criticism.
Our life is not about us...it is about others. It is possible to literal shut people off from the Kingdom just because of our lives.
-literal definition of the word hypocrite (used by Jesus) in the Greek is 'actor' someone performing on a stage for money...
-'shut off' also used in Matthew 25 in the parable and the ones trapped outside.
-There are those with an interest and desire to find Him but the hypocrisy can push others outside.
Hypocrisy is NOT:
-The fact we have many identities, we have competing identities for different circumstances. Not necessarily in trying to put in on an act.
-The self control of our feelings. Holding back and not being rude...not saying everything one is thinking. It is wise and prudent to exercise self control over thoughts and what is said..."being a better self". Choosing a wiser way to communicate.
-When you refuse to live other people's definition of Christianity.
Hypocrisy is:
-Demanding of others the life you, yourself will not live.
-Trying to look religious when you are not trying to become the person you are trying to look at.
Genesis 4:7 Abel and Cain
-What we give to God isn't supposed to be bribes or payoffs...we give because we love God. He owns everything and doesn't need us...it's like a child being given money to buy a gift for a parent...it's done out of love...wanting to make Him happy.
-Abel offered his sacrifice our of faith and love, which God accepted. Cain's offering was rejected because it wasn't done out of faith and love. Cain was seeking approval, not seeking to honor God.
-All God was asking for was Cain's heart...his love...Cain's reaction was the murder of Abel.
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
-Do not act, pray or give like hypocrites.
Central questions:
Who are you living for?
Whose approval are you living for?
-God doesn't view like people do...he doesn't judge on the outward appearances.
-When we understand what hypocrisy is do we know the results?
Hypocrisy robs us of intimacy with God and people. We were born to love and be loved and having a secret life prevents us from loving. To be loved genuinely you have to let people know you. By definition hypocrites can not be loved by God or people.
-It is more than just good teaching on Sunday but how we learn from others during the week. Kids learn from what we say but they will become how you live.
-We can choose who we are going to become. When we accept Christ it is no longer us who live but Christ...are we going to live this new identity?
-We have the power to be the people we are supposed to be...with children and with marriages...but will we use it?
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
-We have to take a look at our lives...decide what has to go if we REALLY want the real life we were meant for. What has to be cut out? Removed?
1 Peter 2:1
-These things aren't who we are...things we can loose.
It is possible to live a life where people can follow us and see Christ...
-Working to repent from sin isn't hypocrisy...it is who we are. It's only when we try to adjust our life to the sin and hide that...it becomes hypocrisy.
Matthew 12:50
He loves us for who we are and will not let us stay the way we are.
Community helps.
It's not enough to believe without becoming.
...waiting for the music to end and the sermon to start...the topic by itself sounds like something that has freaking bothered me for almost a decade. Using people as an excuse has always seemed incredibly lame to me...but seeing and feeling the hypocrisy on a personal level (I don't even want to look at the mirror right now)...the fact that the Church hasn't fallen apart and that people continue to have changed lives to me is EVIDENCE that there is something more than a community wide self delusion.
Truth is a living, vivid and powerful force that is not subjective to time and human interference...of course the conveying of that Truth can be marred by miscommunication...but that Truth is You...that Truth exists an actual Being...like in John chapter one where it talked about the Word...which is Jesus bu in Greek the word for Word is Logos...truth...this being...this absolute.
This beautiful horror of an absolute unbreakable love that transcends our mistakes and our evil.
...
Matthew 23:13, 25:10
Genesis 4:7
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
1 Peter 2:1
Galatians 2:20
Matthew 12:48, 50
The point of carrying the gospel is because earth is supposed to be more like heaven.
Few people rationally think out their beliefs to the point of why they do or do not believe in a doctrine...and question. It's base instinct that drives and make people decide what is 'true' or 'false'.
They do not read the scripture or pray before making a decision...their first 'Bible' is the Christians they see.
Matthew 23:13
-The only period where Jesus has a sustained anger is in dealing with hypocritical religious leaders who suppressed people pushing them from God.
People do not always come out and say it but they are looking...saying you are a Christian, much less minister, is opening a world of critique and criticism.
Our life is not about us...it is about others. It is possible to literal shut people off from the Kingdom just because of our lives.
-literal definition of the word hypocrite (used by Jesus) in the Greek is 'actor' someone performing on a stage for money...
-'shut off' also used in Matthew 25 in the parable and the ones trapped outside.
-There are those with an interest and desire to find Him but the hypocrisy can push others outside.
Hypocrisy is NOT:
-The fact we have many identities, we have competing identities for different circumstances. Not necessarily in trying to put in on an act.
-The self control of our feelings. Holding back and not being rude...not saying everything one is thinking. It is wise and prudent to exercise self control over thoughts and what is said..."being a better self". Choosing a wiser way to communicate.
-When you refuse to live other people's definition of Christianity.
Hypocrisy is:
-Demanding of others the life you, yourself will not live.
-Trying to look religious when you are not trying to become the person you are trying to look at.
Genesis 4:7 Abel and Cain
-What we give to God isn't supposed to be bribes or payoffs...we give because we love God. He owns everything and doesn't need us...it's like a child being given money to buy a gift for a parent...it's done out of love...wanting to make Him happy.
-Abel offered his sacrifice our of faith and love, which God accepted. Cain's offering was rejected because it wasn't done out of faith and love. Cain was seeking approval, not seeking to honor God.
-All God was asking for was Cain's heart...his love...Cain's reaction was the murder of Abel.
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
-Do not act, pray or give like hypocrites.
Central questions:
Who are you living for?
Whose approval are you living for?
-God doesn't view like people do...he doesn't judge on the outward appearances.
-When we understand what hypocrisy is do we know the results?
Hypocrisy robs us of intimacy with God and people. We were born to love and be loved and having a secret life prevents us from loving. To be loved genuinely you have to let people know you. By definition hypocrites can not be loved by God or people.
-It is more than just good teaching on Sunday but how we learn from others during the week. Kids learn from what we say but they will become how you live.
-We can choose who we are going to become. When we accept Christ it is no longer us who live but Christ...are we going to live this new identity?
-We have the power to be the people we are supposed to be...with children and with marriages...but will we use it?
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
-We have to take a look at our lives...decide what has to go if we REALLY want the real life we were meant for. What has to be cut out? Removed?
1 Peter 2:1
-These things aren't who we are...things we can loose.
It is possible to live a life where people can follow us and see Christ...
-Working to repent from sin isn't hypocrisy...it is who we are. It's only when we try to adjust our life to the sin and hide that...it becomes hypocrisy.
Matthew 12:50
He loves us for who we are and will not let us stay the way we are.
Community helps.
It's not enough to believe without becoming.
Morning
I'm hurting from the bike...trouble breathing...stupid asthma that I thought was gone. Nothing major...just pain.
I think I may have almost broke the bike...I started listening to "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails and as soon as the drums hit in the intro I took off...about ten seconds into that burst of speed I heard a horrible screeching noise and smelt burning plastic...I glanced down and saw I was going about twenty-six MPH and slowed down...thankfully it didn't fall apart but that would have been my luck...the stupid bike falling apart under me.
I ended the biking with Johnny Cash's haunting version of "Hurt". One of the best recordings of any song ever...I can say that will be one song I want to carry with me the rest of my life. The Nihilism in Christianity...but it is offset by hope. Amazing where this is all going and going...
I think I may have almost broke the bike...I started listening to "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails and as soon as the drums hit in the intro I took off...about ten seconds into that burst of speed I heard a horrible screeching noise and smelt burning plastic...I glanced down and saw I was going about twenty-six MPH and slowed down...thankfully it didn't fall apart but that would have been my luck...the stupid bike falling apart under me.
I ended the biking with Johnny Cash's haunting version of "Hurt". One of the best recordings of any song ever...I can say that will be one song I want to carry with me the rest of my life. The Nihilism in Christianity...but it is offset by hope. Amazing where this is all going and going...
Monday, August 17, 2009
True Words...
"You don't measure up to the expectation.
When you're unemployed, there's no vacation.
No one cares, no one sympathizes.
You just stay home and play synthesizers."
-Flight of the Conchords, "Inner City Pressure"
When you're unemployed, there's no vacation.
No one cares, no one sympathizes.
You just stay home and play synthesizers."
-Flight of the Conchords, "Inner City Pressure"
I'm having so many scattered thoughts right now...I'm forgetting which way I was walking a moment ago. I'm ready for the pain to end and for some semblance of peace to come.
I don't want to pray right now.
I'm too upset and frustrated. It's like this rut...and the only way I see out is a way paved in angry and violence...it's hard to remember to even breath at times like this.
But hey you know...everything is alright.
Everything is okay.
Nothing is wrong here.
Everything is passing.
I don't want to pray right now.
I'm too upset and frustrated. It's like this rut...and the only way I see out is a way paved in angry and violence...it's hard to remember to even breath at times like this.
But hey you know...everything is alright.
Everything is okay.
Nothing is wrong here.
Everything is passing.
For Future Reference...
Artist: Ben Folds Five
Song: Army
Album: The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner
(see bottom for chords)
VERSE 1 (see below for guitar interlude played during verse)
G#
Well I thought about the army
D#m
Dad said, "Son you're fucking high"
C# G#
And I thought, yeah there's a first for everything
So I took my old man's advice, three sad semesters
D#m
It was only fifteen grand
C#
spent in bed, I thought about the army
G# C#/F
I dropped out and joined a band instead
CHORUS (piano solo)
D#m A#m G#maj7
D#m A#m G#maj7
VERSE 2 (same as verse 1 except for Fm chord)
Grew a moustache and a mullet
Got a job at chick-fillet
Citing artistic differences
the band broke up in May
Fm
And in June reformed without me
And they got a different name
I nuked another grandma's apple pie
And hung my head in shame, no
CHORUS (listen to song for the arrangement of the chords)
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
BRIDGE
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll write a screenplay
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll take you to LA
F# C# Cm
Oh Oh Think I'll get it done yesterday
(The guitar part played during the bridge goes something like this)
e|------------------------|
b|------------------------| (this followed by triplets of each note heading back down)
g|------------------------| (11-11-11-10-10-10-9-9-9….)
d|------------------------|
a|------------------------|
e|-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-|
PIANO SOLO (listen to song for arrangement of chords)
Fm7 Cm Fm7 Cm
A#7 D#7 G# G#maj7
Fm7 C# C#maj7 Fm/C Fm
GUITAR SOLO (played along with G# D#m C# G# chords)
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
b|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
g|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
d|---6-------6s10---8-------8s13---11-------11s15---13---11---10---8---6-|
a|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
HORN INTERLUDE ("")
G# D#m C# G#
G# D#m C# G#
VERSE 3 (same chords as previous verse)
In this time of introspection
On the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God please spare me more rejection
'Cause my peers, they criticize me
And my ex-wives all despise me
Try to put it all behind me
But my redneck past is nipping at my heels
CHORUS (same as previous chorus)
ENDING
F#maj7
I thought about
A# G#maj7
the army
CHORDS (these are all the chords used in the song. There are a lot but you basically just need G#, D#m and C# for the main parts of the song)
G# 466544
D#m X68876
C# X46664
C#/F X46464
A#m X13321
G#maj7 XX6543
Fm 133111
F# 244322
Cm X35543
Fm7 131111
A#7 X13131
D#7 X68686
C#maj7 XX(11)(10)98
F#maj7 XX4321
A# X13331
Song: Army
Album: The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner
(see bottom for chords)
VERSE 1 (see below for guitar interlude played during verse)
G#
Well I thought about the army
D#m
Dad said, "Son you're fucking high"
C# G#
And I thought, yeah there's a first for everything
So I took my old man's advice, three sad semesters
D#m
It was only fifteen grand
C#
spent in bed, I thought about the army
G# C#/F
I dropped out and joined a band instead
CHORUS (piano solo)
D#m A#m G#maj7
D#m A#m G#maj7
VERSE 2 (same as verse 1 except for Fm chord)
Grew a moustache and a mullet
Got a job at chick-fillet
Citing artistic differences
the band broke up in May
Fm
And in June reformed without me
And they got a different name
I nuked another grandma's apple pie
And hung my head in shame, no
CHORUS (listen to song for the arrangement of the chords)
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
BRIDGE
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll write a screenplay
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll take you to LA
F# C# Cm
Oh Oh Think I'll get it done yesterday
(The guitar part played during the bridge goes something like this)
e|------------------------|
b|------------------------| (this followed by triplets of each note heading back down)
g|------------------------| (11-11-11-10-10-10-9-9-9….)
d|------------------------|
a|------------------------|
e|-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-|
PIANO SOLO (listen to song for arrangement of chords)
Fm7 Cm Fm7 Cm
A#7 D#7 G# G#maj7
Fm7 C# C#maj7 Fm/C Fm
GUITAR SOLO (played along with G# D#m C# G# chords)
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
b|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
g|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
d|---6-------6s10---8-------8s13---11-------11s15---13---11---10---8---6-|
a|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
HORN INTERLUDE ("")
G# D#m C# G#
G# D#m C# G#
VERSE 3 (same chords as previous verse)
In this time of introspection
On the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God please spare me more rejection
'Cause my peers, they criticize me
And my ex-wives all despise me
Try to put it all behind me
But my redneck past is nipping at my heels
CHORUS (same as previous chorus)
ENDING
F#maj7
I thought about
A# G#maj7
the army
CHORDS (these are all the chords used in the song. There are a lot but you basically just need G#, D#m and C# for the main parts of the song)
G# 466544
D#m X68876
C# X46664
C#/F X46464
A#m X13321
G#maj7 XX6543
Fm 133111
F# 244322
Cm X35543
Fm7 131111
A#7 X13131
D#7 X68686
C#maj7 XX(11)(10)98
F#maj7 XX4321
A# X13331
I think it's a lovely day to go insane.
Either the scale is broke or I lost ten pounds in three days...crikey!
I'll come out with my diet soon...Total cereal for breakfast...salad for lunch and dinner and 30 minutes of extreme biking while listening to Nine Inch Nails, Saviour Machine, U2, Five Iron Frenzy, Blindside and a few others.
Either the scale is broke or I lost ten pounds in three days...crikey!
I'll come out with my diet soon...Total cereal for breakfast...salad for lunch and dinner and 30 minutes of extreme biking while listening to Nine Inch Nails, Saviour Machine, U2, Five Iron Frenzy, Blindside and a few others.
Burning Letter Escaping to the Night
God...I just want to be happy but I can't for...certain people.
Is this jealousy?
That people can take vows that I don't understand? Is that what this is all about? Or is it visceral, the physical and sexual?
I mean...I can't even really talk about it to anyone who understands because all these thoughts revolve around people...person...things and thoughts...back in 2005 maybe...something like that.
What the Hell Jesus?
Why am I so self absorbed that I try to hide it as being concern for other people? I don't care most of the time...it's an accident that I help people a lot of the time. And this isn't false humility...this is me just being Matthew.
I'm broken.
I'm tired.
I laugh at random and horrible things.
I wish for hurricanes and huge storms and destruction and get sad when the storms do not disrupt normal life.
I am the creep wanting a zombie apocalypse just so I don't have to worry about renewing my driver's license in three years.
I heard a Voice say 'I love you' and I have believed it.
I'm staking my life on it.
I can't sacrifice my love for my First Love for anything else...because everything is just pale coal in comparison.
The Love burns me and makes me feel again...it reconnects these nerves to my heart I have tried desperately to disconnect. My plot has always been that if I can kill the ability to feel I can kill my need to hear...to obey...but every step I take away I'm buffeted back by this hurricane of love.
This furious and incomprehensible love.
What am I?
Who am I?
Why was I chosen?
Why not someone else?
Why do You even love me?
Why should You even care?
The morning and the coming day are just rushing forward to meet us.
I've lost another musical endeavor and it hurts...hurts like I did when I dropped seminary...when I failed Greek...when I had my heart thrown out the window...when I've broken a girl's heart...when I ate lunch by myself everyday in my dorm room the last two semesters of school because I was terrified of being in the lunch room...I can hear the episodes of Bleach and taste the stale premade Nestea.
I've walked endless lanes around Mobile, in Orr Park...day and night...just seeing faces and water fall...
I'm seeing dinosaur fossils in my mind and the coffee shop...Javs City...how that was such a fundamental social experience from my first days of school to the last months.
None of this matters because the people there will never see this and if they do they will never realize it is about them...I miss the friendships...I miss knowing Jesus was going to do something special...I don't want to move forward...I want the past because I can live there...sad and numb to life.
I'm running...not to stand still but to escape...and nothing sill.
Nothing.
The rawness.
How can I reconcile all of these images?
Muse!
Mistress of the night and written word...SPEAK TO ME!
How might I reconcile all of these Matthews, all of these different views into one? How do I bring one split back to being one? How do I rectify all this damage before it is too late?
Breath into me.
Kiss me with your sweet Spirit and give me energy, help me to reclaim what it means to even be human.
Is this jealousy?
That people can take vows that I don't understand? Is that what this is all about? Or is it visceral, the physical and sexual?
I mean...I can't even really talk about it to anyone who understands because all these thoughts revolve around people...person...things and thoughts...back in 2005 maybe...something like that.
What the Hell Jesus?
Why am I so self absorbed that I try to hide it as being concern for other people? I don't care most of the time...it's an accident that I help people a lot of the time. And this isn't false humility...this is me just being Matthew.
I'm broken.
I'm tired.
I laugh at random and horrible things.
I wish for hurricanes and huge storms and destruction and get sad when the storms do not disrupt normal life.
I am the creep wanting a zombie apocalypse just so I don't have to worry about renewing my driver's license in three years.
I heard a Voice say 'I love you' and I have believed it.
I'm staking my life on it.
I can't sacrifice my love for my First Love for anything else...because everything is just pale coal in comparison.
The Love burns me and makes me feel again...it reconnects these nerves to my heart I have tried desperately to disconnect. My plot has always been that if I can kill the ability to feel I can kill my need to hear...to obey...but every step I take away I'm buffeted back by this hurricane of love.
This furious and incomprehensible love.
What am I?
Who am I?
Why was I chosen?
Why not someone else?
Why do You even love me?
Why should You even care?
The morning and the coming day are just rushing forward to meet us.
I've lost another musical endeavor and it hurts...hurts like I did when I dropped seminary...when I failed Greek...when I had my heart thrown out the window...when I've broken a girl's heart...when I ate lunch by myself everyday in my dorm room the last two semesters of school because I was terrified of being in the lunch room...I can hear the episodes of Bleach and taste the stale premade Nestea.
I've walked endless lanes around Mobile, in Orr Park...day and night...just seeing faces and water fall...
I'm seeing dinosaur fossils in my mind and the coffee shop...Javs City...how that was such a fundamental social experience from my first days of school to the last months.
None of this matters because the people there will never see this and if they do they will never realize it is about them...I miss the friendships...I miss knowing Jesus was going to do something special...I don't want to move forward...I want the past because I can live there...sad and numb to life.
I'm running...not to stand still but to escape...and nothing sill.
Nothing.
The rawness.
How can I reconcile all of these images?
Muse!
Mistress of the night and written word...SPEAK TO ME!
How might I reconcile all of these Matthews, all of these different views into one? How do I bring one split back to being one? How do I rectify all this damage before it is too late?
Breath into me.
Kiss me with your sweet Spirit and give me energy, help me to reclaim what it means to even be human.
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