Closed Hands and the Night

I'm running out of words to even try to express how it is I'm feeling inside. Feeling such a weak and pathetic soul attempting life through this broken and sickly body. Every last chance to make a move towards doing the right gets sidelined by my own utterly pitiful attempts at mimicking the divine, a right I've never had a chance to even understand.

But, God, Father, I just can't carry this anymore.

I never wanted any of these, I never wanted this burden, this responsibility.
This fucking pain on my shoulders.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you more then I can say.
I despise you for creating me, for piecing me together and for holding my hand every moment of this damn life.
I want to renounce ever having known you, I want to spit in your face and just mock your death on the cross as being pitiful and useless.
I want you to see me, to really see me for once.
See this pitiful wretch you wanted to serve you, that you picked from among the crowds.

Are you looking? Are you fucking looking once? Seeing just what the hell it is you made? Are you even paying attention you annoying fuck? Do you see it? Do you feel the pain in my heart? Do you see the Hell my mind goes through every fucking time I see pain? Every damn time I'm forced to see my own limitations? To have to look in that damn mirror and see the fuck up I am? Do you see it? Can you feel the glass cutting into my heart? The pain of knowing how much I love you but how human I am and how much pain that causes? Don't you see how much I despise being your creation? That I desire nothing more then oblivion so I would no longer be face with the horror of choice and life?

Can you ever begin to see?
Do you want to?
Do you ever fucking care?
I mean, we have had some fairly fucked up genocides lately, that you aren't doing anything for. Much less the hungry, those sicker than me both in mind, body and soul.

And what do you do?
Just what the fuck do you do anymore?
Where the hell are you?
Why can't you fix things?
Why won't you come back now?
End this uselss world?
Fix the hurts, fix all this overwhelming pain that no one can really see? Or feel? Much less give a shit about.
Why?
Daddy, Father, why? You say you love us but where is the love? I don't care about shitles trite little sayings put forth by these other fools.
I don't care.
I don't want their comfort, yours is the only one I want.
Yours is the only love I NEED.
You are the only one I need, but it hurts so fucking much, to just love you and not feel it back.
I need you. Can't you see?
Can't you hear these prayers in this dark room?
In this dark soul?
Coming from one so broken and jaded, unable to function.

Jesus Christ, I love you. I need you. I am nothing. I would renounce my humanity at once just to be with you. The maker of my soul and this body, my only hope, my only love, my only existence.

I've no use for words, for cliches, for all these meaningless books and tapes that serve to do nothing but try to reduce your infinite nature down to something human made and controlled.

Please, please, please remember. I don't know how much longer I can keep going on this path feeling alone, that no one can understand or want to understand me. I hate this world, I hate this road, I hate this path. I'm breaking down and it feels like everything inside of me is spinning out of control and ripping me apart further.

No amount of bullshit spouted by people is going to help me.
Only you can.
You are the only love I want lord, my love, my liege, my only one.
Move my soul to peace, break me into a million pieces just so we can be closer, I can't stand this distance and the burning tears it causes.
Can't you see what this love has done?
Has done and is doing to me?
The pain?
The apathy?
Fuck man, can't you see?
Do you care?
Where are you when this pain is going to drown me?
When all the fucking pills won't do a thing?
I can't think it out.
I can't take it.
I just need you, do you understand?

Every moment to pass, every second on this clock is just ticking this time away. Every moment a moment passing without you as close as you could be.
And this soul of mine just dies more.

Just dies by not being connected to the only source of life, of love and hope.

Oh Jesus, just let this die.

Let this all just die.

Severed Nerves

This audio static tickling in your ear
is one of the last life lines
holding me up
keeping me afloat
holding me up in this damnable
ocean that is bleeding red with every wave.

It's like every scream
with every breath
is never just enough
to keep things going
in any way but the one,
the very one I hate.

I can't loose this rage,
this anger at every failure
I see in the morning
every day I live.
Loosing the pain
means loosing my identity
of hatred towards
this beast,
this creature under my skin.
This fetid beast
that reeks of only Hell fire
and its rotten teeth.
Pungent, the smell of sulfur.
Overwhelming when it is this close,
close enough to see the endless white
and the limitless figure enshrined in it.

Take this hand,
if you will.
Take me soul too.
Lead me close
because I'm faint.
Every heart beat
is just fainter
than the last.

The compromise in my soul
cannot express the imperfect love
I hold for one so dear.

All I have are words
and acts of love
poorly disguised
unable to hide this
disgusting pride,
this lust for more,
this rage
this need for more
to own this world.
And be drunk off the high
and have nothing but this pain
to keep my company.
To rule in my rage and be lost
in everything possible
just so I'm spared
the agony of choice and freedom.

Quite honestly I hate you
for loving me.
I hate you for wasting blood on my soul,
I hate you for choosing me
when there was nothing left for me but you.
I don't want anything but to be hated,
reviled as the beast I see myself as
just so I can prove you wrong
and see you loose
and not have to deal with your pain
that is my pain
just because I can't control my tongue
and just be an adult
be a grown up and tell people
how much I can't stand this life
and the ways it always fails.
How shallow my love is
and how incompatible I am with this life.

I'm so tired of all these voices,
just begging for attention
and for my soul.
Yahweh, love, savior,
pull me from this false pretension
and such hollow and damned words.
Forgot me not
and let me burn forever
in this fetid fire.
House forever in this stench
and unbearable lies.

My weakness my friend
but here I need you.
I don't want this life
or this pain anymore.

Please remove this burning splinter
from my mind,
take this burning sword
out of my side,
let the poison flow freely from my veins
and let me die.
But only in Your hands.

"And The Smokers And Children Shall Be Cast Down" - Showbread

Sing with me child, as my ears are bleeding,
The dreams that have now seemed so fleeting,
Still your cradle, with no effort sways,
Where this monochromatic record is played,
And I’ll purse my lips and blow kisses goodbye,
It’s so easy if you never ask why,
My lungs will contract and give up a brief sigh,
Shall we say an appendage has finally died?

Or is it easier to go on with a smile,
With faltering ease, and talk for a while,
Words fall from your mouth and are lost on the floor,
And I can’t go on singing anymore

Oh the tale you tell, oh the web that you’ve spun,
And the salt that was sprinkled on the things you have done,
Makes the anger oh so sweet, makes the world fall at your feet,
Makes the pity that you pour over your head quite a treat,
So go ahead and cry, and go ahead and lie,
Begin every sentence that you vomit with “I”,
And then Jesus will forgive you, but oh what can I do,
To see if there’s enough forgiveness left for me

But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you

Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms

Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?

I won’t find you there, lying with yourself,
Sleep under a rock until your mouth is full of insects,
I won’t look for you, praying to your ceiling,
Swallow every snake and sing of your mistakes,
Put lipstick on your mirror,
Cry into your hands

Jeremiah 20

1-5 The priest Pashur son of Immer was the senior priest in God's Temple. He heard Jeremiah preach this sermon. He whipped Jeremiah the prophet and put him in the stocks at the Upper Benjamin Gate of God's Temple. The next day Pashur came and let him go. Jeremiah told him, "God has a new name for you: not Pashur but Danger-Everywhere, because God says, 'You're a danger to yourself and everyone around you. All your friends are going to get killed in battle while you stand there and watch. What's more, I'm turning all of Judah over to the king of Babylon to do whatever he likes with them—haul them off into exile, kill them at whim. Everything worth anything in this city, property and possessions along with everything in the royal treasury—I'm handing it all over to the enemy. They'll rummage through it and take what they want back to Babylon.

6"'And you, Pashur, you and everyone in your family will be taken prisoner into exile—that's right, exile in Babylon. You'll die and be buried there, you and all your cronies to whom you preached your lies.'"

7-10You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it.
You were too much for me.
And now I'm a public joke.
They all poke fun at me.
Every time I open my mouth
I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"
And all I get for my God-warnings
are insults and contempt.
But if I say, "Forget it!
No more God-Messages from me!"
The words are fire in my belly,
a burning in my bones.
I'm worn out trying to hold it in.
I can't do it any longer!
Then I hear whispering behind my back:
"There goes old 'Danger-Everywhere.' Shut him up! Report him!"
Old friends watch, hoping I'll fall flat on my face:
"One misstep and we'll have him. We'll get rid of him for good!"

11But God, a most fierce warrior, is at my side.
Those who are after me will be sent sprawling—
Slapstick buffoons falling all over themselves,
a spectacle of humiliation no one will ever forget.

12Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, no one fools you.
You see through everyone, everything.
I want to see you pay them back for what they've done.
I rest my case with you.

13Sing to God! All praise to God!
He saves the weak from the grip of the wicked.

14-18Curse the day
I was born!
The day my mother bore me—
a curse on it, I say!
And curse the man who delivered
the news to my father:
"You've got a new baby—a boy baby!"
(How happy it made him.)
Let that birth notice be blacked out,
deleted from the records,
And the man who brought it haunted to his death
with the bad news he brought.
He should have killed me before I was born,
with that womb as my tomb,
My mother pregnant for the rest of her life
with a baby dead in her womb.
Why, oh why, did I ever leave that womb?
Life's been nothing but trouble and tears,
and what's coming is more of the same.

Dancing walrus?!?

I have officially seen it all...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5m6dASY8_4

Fleeting Thoughts

I want them to see
what I myself am afraid to see,
the fear of my soul
and my heart missing beats.
The joy bursting out of my soul
at the merest brush of your thought.
Everything I've thought I am is nothing
compared to you.

Every waking moment
of every stolen dream
is just a reminder
of the chasm between you and I.
Grace never seemed enough
and forgiveness seemed fake.
But in this night time of the day,
the darker moments of me being lost
You still will have me,
will love me and carry me.
Take this broken heart
and save me from myself.

Even at the darkest moment of my hate,
my hate at this world
but mostly at myself.
Thank you for loving me enough
to let me live
and to do what I have.
This sick body may not have much,
but whatever it is we can be together
from now until the end of eternity.

"Mercenary" - Brave Saint Saturn

I was the future in 1995
I watched the flashbulbs burst whenever I’d arrive
I’d tape my knuckles up, cinched and tight for the ring
Just beneath the gloves, clenching white for the swing
I was a sellout before a sellout crowd
I threw the fight in my head, before the fat lady bowed
You want a tip-off, some good advice for the brawl?
Just wear a mouth-guard, to keep your teeth when you fall
And when you quit
Make sure that you can wash your hands of it

Armed to the teeth, score one for treachery
I am a mercenary
There’s more lies here than we can all bury
I am a mercenary

I’ve seen the headlines swarming thick with flies
I’ve seen the Billboard charts, I’ve heard them spitting lies
Here’s to your lame award, your phony Nobel Prize
Here’s to the suckers lining up to see us compromise
Let’s light a campfire, we’ll have a singalong
I’ll burn some bridges, you’ll bring the crappy songs
And when you quit
Make sure that you can wash your hands of it

Armed to the teeth, score one for treachery
I am a mercenary
There’s more lies here than we can all bury
I am a mercenary

There’s a part of me I’ve compromised
Buried somewhere under ghosts of lies
Make it quick, make it sick
Turn the crank and just play the greatest hits
Sigh
There’s a part of me that I despise
Pull the curtain back and see what dies
Emerald spires of the near profound
Let’s burn this lousy city down

Armed to the teeth, score one for treachery
I am a mercenary
There’s more lies here than we can all bury
I am a mercenary

Cold Night Awashed in Light

The land is dark this night
even with such a moon as this,
it being closer to the Earth
than you are to me,
despite being so few inches away.
Separation by the breadth of our minds
and as wide as our souls.
Each step forward is just another dance back
and it is so very cold tonight.

Every breath we take is in pain
and every word we make is a curse
directed at the moon.
Things are never as they really seem
and things may never be
as they try to be
but here we are,
just tonight
among the lilies
and the thorns.
Bathed in moonlight
and washed in a still breeze,
but it's not as cold
as the movement of our souls
but nowhere as cold as this night.

How can I form the words in my heart,
in my mind and soul?
How can I introduce this common theme again?
When sometimes it feels distance
is the only thing sane?
The only thing real?
What is this?
These jumbled thoughts
attempting to assemble themselves
into something more.
On this blank canvas
that was just covered in blood
and my lost regrets.
It is cold.
So very cold.
Colder than this night.

The moon tries to shine into the pool,
to brighten this water
but the light rays
cannot hope
to pierce the bleakness
and show what lies underneath.
It just becomes the mirror I hold
so you can see me.
See who you want me to be,
see what I need to be
see what this is
letting you see just
what it is you want.
Nothing more and nothing real.
Just this cold night
barely lit in blueish light
and the cold piercing the heart.

These words mean nothing more than they do,
only what you give them.
Nothing more or less.
Write them off,
please.
It would be the best thing you can do
on this bitter cold night,
the best for either of us.
Just pretend nothing was said
and that the best thing possible
was just for us to enjoy the moon
and the light reflected on still glass
and the bitter cold in our souls.
The pain we just can't be rid of
and this life we are lost on.
It's cold
but then that is the way of the night.
Bitter, alone and buffeted by time.
Making this circular hole.

"Hallelujah" - Leonard Cohen

"And Death Shall Have No Dominion" -Dylan Thomas

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead mean naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

Air, Light and Life

It's like the dawn of a new day,
just getting this breath of air.
This release of toxic burnt carbon
just flitting invisible into the air.

The clock is unwinding more and more
and the best we can do is try
just to breath.
To love, to laugh, to cry
and refuse to give in
and simply die.

Every breath of air is an act of defiance
a rebellion to this world out of synchrony
with its original blueprint.
Every exhale is the reply of a dying body
just fighting for the will to survive.

It's more than this.
It can't end just like this.
It has to be more,
has to be real
has to be the realization of self
as being the answer
just as much as the problem.
A cancer of soul
being burned by pure light.

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

I tied myself with wire
To let the horses run free
Playing with the fire
Till the fire played with me

The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious
Two souls too smart to be
In the realm of certainty
Even on our wedding day

We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It’s not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down ’til the pain will stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

youtube makes my soul sad

It's such a long night and long day.
So many painful thoughts that just cannot make sense.
But there is good in and among the bad.

Just so tired.

Even with the good.

It feels like my physical weaknesses coupled with mental fatigue and my weakness just fucks everything up beyond belief.

God, I just hate myself sometimes.

I know it's not as bad as it feels...but it feels like the only decision I can make at the moment is going to upset someone...and I can't help but care about that because of how much it hurts to feel pain...others...and I just...can't process this just right now. I just want to make the right decision for once and make the pain stop.

Just a thought...

I like to think of myself as being a realist with strong cynical leanings but with a touch of romanticism to make things a bit more interesting.

Moment

Loss of control like that...is quite unacceptable.
I may not be worth all that much but there is that need of control.

I'm not sure.

I want to be however.

But the cloud cover is coming yet again.

Why?

Persistence in confusion.

More than words, more than exsistance, more than self, I need You...to just believe in me, to help me to fly from this Hell, to find rest in Your arms, oh Lord, please.

Please.

Ghosts in the System

Problems processing.

Error.

System restart.

Reboot.

Renew.

Syntax errors.

System malfunction.

Word Play Minus the Play

I have such a ridiculous amount of rage right now. Sometimes I have no clue what is going on up there. Why do such subtle and small things cause me to simply almost explode with rage and violence?

I hate being here, living here. There are no words in the English language that can just convey the amount of disgust I have for my egotistical and narcissistical bastard self right now.

I want to rage and rant about being told to do things, being treated like a child...how infuriating it is to not have my pain taken seriously.

It feels like a bad joke being taken too seriously.

A little compassion or empathy to ask?

Not just for myself but for people who actually need it.



There are just parts of my mind and soul that are beyond definition, beyond phrases, beyond comprehension. Beyond the loose definitions of anything around here, beyond the misconceptions and derisive laughter.

I'm just sick of it all and want it to be ripped away. I want the curtains separating the physical with the metaphysical ripped down and torn into shreds. I want to see the existential dread and look it in whatever passes for eyes. I want to take the fear in my hands and unleash visceral hatred and feel the pain of busted knuckles and broken bones and taste the dying blood of something that has been a part of me before I even knew of me.

It's exhausting running in pointless circles, being tripped up on useless medication that does nothing but make me question the point of my next breath. I don't hate the beast I am underneath my wool, I love it too much and do not know how to let go and be responsible with reality.

I'm sick of having to develop excuses for every breath I take, to feel I have to justify every last bite of food I take. I'm fucking tired of having to look in the mirror at you and give excuses for why I'm still sitting in this rotting house with the vain hope that it is going to collapse in on me and snuff out this inexcusable life of mine.

I love to talk about love but am loath to give it.
I am all about embracing this hate, this anger, this lust of desire and letting it run its course until I'm embittered and angry about being angry.

I can keep running these circles or violently end it while I can still choose to choose because choice is the only choice for this imprisoned.

But this, this lethargy, this cancer eating my soul...I'm sick, sick of it.

I'm so tired of pain and nausea and hurting with no purpose or reason other than I simply am.

That is not enough and never will be.

So As

My mind is much too fried for poetic expression.
I'm so tired, oh so worn down.
When was the last time I could breath?
I'm not even sure about direction
or where it was I was heading.

The only thing to cause this much pain
can be love.
The only thing to bring as much pain
is the memories of hope.

I can't imagine time with you
any more than I can imagine me.
Or reimagine things
as they could
and should be.

Imaginative really.
Trying to make thoughts rhyme,
making them fall in line.
Peace, hope and love
just fair thoughts really
victims of apathy.

Close

ειρήνη

ελπίδα

αγάπη

Eh, close enough...

Je déteste l'utilisation de l'internet pour essayer de traduire, mais il est beaucoup plus facile que le simple usage de l'anglais quand il se sent comme je le dis, chaque mot est pris trop au sérieux et que je ne peux plus être moi-même dans ce domaine que j'ai utilisé pour appeler les miens.

Mais Dieu, est-ce que je vous manquez.

Qui est à mes propres faiblesses.

Une partie de cette prison ainsi.

Votre beauté me laisse à perte pour les mots, ces mots fragiles ne commencent pas à vous montrer mon amour ou de mes soins, tout mon corps finis et les brisures de soi.

Tu me manques.

Stress has been building up and unless I take a huge breath and a step back away from this mess...I dare say I will snap again.

It's nice to see snow for once.

Such Eyes as These

Not being able to express
the inexpressible
is beginning to take its toll.
Images flood the screen
and all they do is remind,
remind of the empty
and the shallow graves
that awaits all invalid thought.

It is a binding
a chain around the heart
that chokes with every moment
of the passing day.
All screams and smiles
are just choked
and held in place
in ways you will never know,
unless you know what I know now.
I pray you stay ignorant
just so you can breath.

Even if things could be
this slice of perfection,
then what?
I'm afraid the perfection
would be tainted by my breath
or we would realize
how much we aren't,
our disdain for one another
and that the dream
was a nightmare we now run from.

It's a fear
and a chance.
But it could be more,
so much more.
Past the impossible.

But God,
dear God the pain.
My own hypocritical hyperbole.
God forgive me.
Please.
Don't fall away
but draw near.
Keep me in the night
and take me when I break.
Hold me like only you can
and only you will,
even at my worst.