I wish people could understand that I am sick and I am exhausted and I really want to be left alone.
I wish I wasn't such a hypocritical jerk but I am and I am sick of it.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Drunk Chicken
So tonight was one of those odd nights.
By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"
Overall it was an odd experince.
Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"
But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.
Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.
Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.
I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?
I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.
Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.
Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.
By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"
Overall it was an odd experince.
Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"
But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.
Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.
Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.
I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?
I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.
Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.
Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Galatians 3
It is interesting to think you really have cared about since the beginning, before the creation you thought of me. It is hard to believe that because it requires letting you be what is God and making myself submit to you.
My intellect, my spirituality and my works are all complete garbage in light of you. All of my efforts to be something special are nothing but a rotting and a sham. I've wasted hours agonizing over feeling hurt and scared of no future but you have spent an eternity wanting my attention and wanting to love me.
Is that really true? Do you actually care about me or is just another delusion? I'm so tired I'm becoming paranoid and think I really as am crazy as I'm afraid of being.
v.2-4
"How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God."
I guess I am crazy because I have been trying to live the best life I can from since the time I was about nine. I haven't drank, smoke, had sex or kill twelve people while robbing a bank. I do swear on occasion, enjoy rock music, think technology is a swell idea and I enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.
It is crazy to think any of those actions could save or damn me. The whole idea of salvation in the Bible stretches from Old to New Testament, this idea of a loving and infinite creator in love with his wayward creation that continually chooses to reject his love.
Even with all the sins of the creation, that creator in human form named Jesus (somehow Jesus is God and is His Son at the same time. My head aches and wants to explode)who loves the unlovable and broke stigmas and social status ideas left and right.
The way I live, act and feel about myself is that I am somehow either:
1.Better then the tax collectors, whores, drug addicts and televangelists. That somehow I am genetically superior and am able to work out salvation on my own. That doesn't work so well because one gets a sort of messiah complex in addition to just treating everyone like a jerk.
2.Somehow I am sub-human and am not worthy of love. You get the opposite thing where it's almost like this constant martyr complex where every little pain is supposed to somehow vindicate me. Once again it just shows my deep seated arrogance and how much I think of myself.
It is absolute insanity to continue to repeat the same things time and time again and somehow expect to get something different. It is annoying and agitating to think that this IS a life long process of trial and error. I'm sick of being human, I hate failing day in and day out and feeling like there is no hope. I'm disgusted at my own weakness and how I just want to cry. I'm so tired of THIS. Do you understand? Does it even make any sense as to why I'm so frustrated and annoyed?
v.11
"The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him."
Seriously?
Again, this whole me not doing anything is about to drive me insane.
I want to do something, it doesn't feel right taking grace for free but I KNOW it is the truth and anything else is a lie. I know I have endlessly embrace lies that I call truth but I know you are truth and the truth is in the absolute helplessness I am in. The truth is I have failed and have hit the bottom and I just have nothing but despair and desire to fall over and finally die.
v.12
"Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: 'The one who does these things (rule keeping) continues to live by them'"
Live by the sword and die by the sword? Live by the legalism and you die by it as well. It is this dead end Hell hole with bad plumbing and ice cubes all over the floor. It is annoying as well.
Do I seem annoyed today? I am rather annoyed believe it or not, BECAUSE it seems like my entire freaking world view is wrong, it is tainted and broken and I would like to scream for a bit. Maybe pass out too, lay on the ground and balk a bit, you know the typical stuff a small spoiled child would do. Is it too much to ask Jesus?
v.20
"But the original promise is the DIRECT blessing of God, received by faith."
That does sound nice for once. Direct blessings? Direct love? Direct compassion for the Hell I have made things?
All I have to do is just shut up and be loved...but it is so hard to accept something that terrifies me. It scares me deeply because I still do not know how much I can trust or believe in you. The best thing I can do seems like to just lay down and cry a lot, maybe pray for your mercy in death. But I know that is a cop out and wont' solve anything.
Daddy I need you. This almost schizophrenic level rush of craziness. I don't know how to breath right or how to live, I just need you Daddy. Please, please love me still. Please take this rotten life and turn it into something new.
My intellect, my spirituality and my works are all complete garbage in light of you. All of my efforts to be something special are nothing but a rotting and a sham. I've wasted hours agonizing over feeling hurt and scared of no future but you have spent an eternity wanting my attention and wanting to love me.
Is that really true? Do you actually care about me or is just another delusion? I'm so tired I'm becoming paranoid and think I really as am crazy as I'm afraid of being.
v.2-4
"How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God."
I guess I am crazy because I have been trying to live the best life I can from since the time I was about nine. I haven't drank, smoke, had sex or kill twelve people while robbing a bank. I do swear on occasion, enjoy rock music, think technology is a swell idea and I enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.
It is crazy to think any of those actions could save or damn me. The whole idea of salvation in the Bible stretches from Old to New Testament, this idea of a loving and infinite creator in love with his wayward creation that continually chooses to reject his love.
Even with all the sins of the creation, that creator in human form named Jesus (somehow Jesus is God and is His Son at the same time. My head aches and wants to explode)who loves the unlovable and broke stigmas and social status ideas left and right.
The way I live, act and feel about myself is that I am somehow either:
1.Better then the tax collectors, whores, drug addicts and televangelists. That somehow I am genetically superior and am able to work out salvation on my own. That doesn't work so well because one gets a sort of messiah complex in addition to just treating everyone like a jerk.
2.Somehow I am sub-human and am not worthy of love. You get the opposite thing where it's almost like this constant martyr complex where every little pain is supposed to somehow vindicate me. Once again it just shows my deep seated arrogance and how much I think of myself.
It is absolute insanity to continue to repeat the same things time and time again and somehow expect to get something different. It is annoying and agitating to think that this IS a life long process of trial and error. I'm sick of being human, I hate failing day in and day out and feeling like there is no hope. I'm disgusted at my own weakness and how I just want to cry. I'm so tired of THIS. Do you understand? Does it even make any sense as to why I'm so frustrated and annoyed?
v.11
"The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him."
Seriously?
Again, this whole me not doing anything is about to drive me insane.
I want to do something, it doesn't feel right taking grace for free but I KNOW it is the truth and anything else is a lie. I know I have endlessly embrace lies that I call truth but I know you are truth and the truth is in the absolute helplessness I am in. The truth is I have failed and have hit the bottom and I just have nothing but despair and desire to fall over and finally die.
v.12
"Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: 'The one who does these things (rule keeping) continues to live by them'"
Live by the sword and die by the sword? Live by the legalism and you die by it as well. It is this dead end Hell hole with bad plumbing and ice cubes all over the floor. It is annoying as well.
Do I seem annoyed today? I am rather annoyed believe it or not, BECAUSE it seems like my entire freaking world view is wrong, it is tainted and broken and I would like to scream for a bit. Maybe pass out too, lay on the ground and balk a bit, you know the typical stuff a small spoiled child would do. Is it too much to ask Jesus?
v.20
"But the original promise is the DIRECT blessing of God, received by faith."
That does sound nice for once. Direct blessings? Direct love? Direct compassion for the Hell I have made things?
All I have to do is just shut up and be loved...but it is so hard to accept something that terrifies me. It scares me deeply because I still do not know how much I can trust or believe in you. The best thing I can do seems like to just lay down and cry a lot, maybe pray for your mercy in death. But I know that is a cop out and wont' solve anything.
Daddy I need you. This almost schizophrenic level rush of craziness. I don't know how to breath right or how to live, I just need you Daddy. Please, please love me still. Please take this rotten life and turn it into something new.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I know it is sad that it takes a painkiller to make it possible for me to get out of bed (yes the urologist visit yesterday WAS that painful. Believe me you do NOT want details and I'm too embarrassed to share)much less function. I know it is drugs but they were prescribed and seriously, I was in more pain then I was after my surgery...it's just location and such.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Galatians 1
v.6: I can't believe your fickleness - how easily you have turned traitor to him who called you by the grace of Christ by embracing a variant message! It is not a minor variation, you know; it is completely other, an alien message, a no-message, a lie about God.
I am quite agitated by my own fickleness about what I believe. I am angry with how caught up with myself, I am. I'm so frustrated and annoyed and I just almost want to scream.
Some sort of security in You would be nice but I don't even remmeber how to go about finding that anymore.
v.11-12: If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this - I am most emphatic here, friends - this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive through th e traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ.
I have trouble believing anymore, so many things seems simply relative but deep down I know your truth and love you. I'm just worn out and exhausted. I need some sort of renewing, some revival of my decaying spirit.
Music is a language all to itself and the words you sing make me strive to live again. Please do not let me die here Father, please keep loving an evil and uncaring fiend like me. I need You.
Now I've come to a final sleep
I pray that forgiveness is mine to keep
I know it's hard to forgive this man
Driving the failure into your hands
-"Fading Away", Demon Hunter
I am quite agitated by my own fickleness about what I believe. I am angry with how caught up with myself, I am. I'm so frustrated and annoyed and I just almost want to scream.
Some sort of security in You would be nice but I don't even remmeber how to go about finding that anymore.
v.11-12: If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this - I am most emphatic here, friends - this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive through th e traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ.
I have trouble believing anymore, so many things seems simply relative but deep down I know your truth and love you. I'm just worn out and exhausted. I need some sort of renewing, some revival of my decaying spirit.
Music is a language all to itself and the words you sing make me strive to live again. Please do not let me die here Father, please keep loving an evil and uncaring fiend like me. I need You.
Now I've come to a final sleep
I pray that forgiveness is mine to keep
I know it's hard to forgive this man
Driving the failure into your hands
-"Fading Away", Demon Hunter
Paper Tree
Blank pages flutter down from the shelves.
I knew them but never believed in them.
It's not like I was anything else but me
but here I am.
Life unwritten and hungry for some meaning.
Every word I try to speak gets caught up in my throat,
my heart being ripped out by these sentiments.
Looking at you in that cage,
that horribly metaphorical coffin,
I can't help but remmeber everything I have lost.
Every pain, every tear and every drop of blood
and you have the nerve to pretend everything is okay.
It isn't enough for you to spit on the graves
but then you have to crawl in.
It's not like we didn't hear your moans
and your slight effort at being a saint.
But we simply didn't care for someone so fake.
The pages fall like rain
and I forget simple words.
Basic patterns for life elude
because here I am, just me, waiting.
Waiting for what?
It is this steady rhythm of life.
Distortion in the sky and clouds swell in the sky,
ready to pour their anguish onto the land.
These words cannot redeem or salvage a shred of hope.
They will never restore dignity or placate a broken trust.
It is just these unnerving white papers,
devoid of deliberate purpose
and your touch.
I want to go home.
I knew them but never believed in them.
It's not like I was anything else but me
but here I am.
Life unwritten and hungry for some meaning.
Every word I try to speak gets caught up in my throat,
my heart being ripped out by these sentiments.
Looking at you in that cage,
that horribly metaphorical coffin,
I can't help but remmeber everything I have lost.
Every pain, every tear and every drop of blood
and you have the nerve to pretend everything is okay.
It isn't enough for you to spit on the graves
but then you have to crawl in.
It's not like we didn't hear your moans
and your slight effort at being a saint.
But we simply didn't care for someone so fake.
The pages fall like rain
and I forget simple words.
Basic patterns for life elude
because here I am, just me, waiting.
Waiting for what?
It is this steady rhythm of life.
Distortion in the sky and clouds swell in the sky,
ready to pour their anguish onto the land.
These words cannot redeem or salvage a shred of hope.
They will never restore dignity or placate a broken trust.
It is just these unnerving white papers,
devoid of deliberate purpose
and your touch.
I want to go home.
More Mindlessly Self Indulgent Ramblings
I really wish I was not a jerk.
Really, I sort of disgust myself when I stop to look at myself. How long have I been living this incredible self indulgent lifestyle?
It's like...I want to run away from anything that could be misconstrued as being real...whether it be in work, purpose or most frightening...relationships.
What does it mean to be Matthew Pike?
Ask me that and my initial response will most likely be some random and horrible attempt at dark humor. "That guy who acts like he is something but he is nothing.", "Isn't he that moron who keeps giving me a headache" or my personal favorite "Wasn't he recently voted most likely to be cause of the apocalypse?".
They make me chuckle because I have no sense of taste.
If I could stop with the stupid jokes for longer than five minutes I would stop and realize how funny it is not, especially to those who happen to be in a position of caring about me.
People can only stand being around a black hole of hope and life for so long...and you know, the ironic thing is I just made the stupid self depreciating gesture. Again.
Why does honesty have to be so painful much less so terrifying?
Could I not just be myself longer than a few minutes or must I put up yet another mask so no one (much less myself) will see me for the human I am.
How can I pull all of these loose threads into some sort of coherent understanding?
I want to be understood but at the same time the very thought of being wanted and accepted scares me, it scares me deeply. I want to hide behind other people because it would mean that I will not have to take responsibility.
Just to clarify, I do run from responsibility but at the same time I do understand the necessity of actual work. I haven't just been hiding behind a facade, I have and am experiencing extreme abdominal pain and organs and stones have been removed from my body.
It hasn't been a field day.
I haven't been able to concentrate on even completing any personal projects with the months of freedom while trying to heal because of how constantly stressed out I am.
Home life is acting as a bottomless well of stress, factor in the fact I've almost died because of medical stuff and because of the efforts of someone wanting me to die, throw in the fact I am feeling very torn about the prospect of love and ever being able to be married, I am feeling very distant from God and that we are so far apart right now, I feel as if my very breath is a toxin that is tainting the world, I feel like my purpose is to exist and contribute to the pain flowing through the world, I feel the need to constantly hate myself because of the lack of perfection, I see the perfection of Your love but see the shallow and disgusting grave that my love creates.
All of these factors mean something, they are part of something bigger that I cannot understand. I like to act and put on a show as if I understand but to be perfectly honest I do not know.
It kills me to know that I am so limited in everything.
I wish I could stop being a prick long enough to love my family and be loved by them. It scares me. I can't stand visiting certain friends anymore because they have a home life set up and that feeling is scary. It is unnerving to be an environment of love and acceptance and being wanted.
Being here is like having my lungs constantly compressed, my heart constantly placed in a vice grip, it is as if I receive this constant reassurance that I am a failure incapable of love and that I should not even try.
The thing is, except for a few extreme events that happen every few months nothing really happens. It is just this. This dank and tangible darkness that I am part of.
It feels like I am being swallowed whole by it, it's been a part of my life since I was born and I had escaped it for a few months by going to Mobile for college but really it never left my side.
It's like a deep infection that burns through the night and keeps me awake, it stops me from wanting to go to church, makes me unable to take criticism and much less jokes from family members, it makes me want myself to be permanently damaged and choose to hate me.
There are so many other complicated words, thoughts and feelings in all of this but ultimately I just longed to be loved as me but more than that I want to be moved out of this pit, this desperate hate that consumes me.
Really, I sort of disgust myself when I stop to look at myself. How long have I been living this incredible self indulgent lifestyle?
It's like...I want to run away from anything that could be misconstrued as being real...whether it be in work, purpose or most frightening...relationships.
What does it mean to be Matthew Pike?
Ask me that and my initial response will most likely be some random and horrible attempt at dark humor. "That guy who acts like he is something but he is nothing.", "Isn't he that moron who keeps giving me a headache" or my personal favorite "Wasn't he recently voted most likely to be cause of the apocalypse?".
They make me chuckle because I have no sense of taste.
If I could stop with the stupid jokes for longer than five minutes I would stop and realize how funny it is not, especially to those who happen to be in a position of caring about me.
People can only stand being around a black hole of hope and life for so long...and you know, the ironic thing is I just made the stupid self depreciating gesture. Again.
Why does honesty have to be so painful much less so terrifying?
Could I not just be myself longer than a few minutes or must I put up yet another mask so no one (much less myself) will see me for the human I am.
How can I pull all of these loose threads into some sort of coherent understanding?
I want to be understood but at the same time the very thought of being wanted and accepted scares me, it scares me deeply. I want to hide behind other people because it would mean that I will not have to take responsibility.
Just to clarify, I do run from responsibility but at the same time I do understand the necessity of actual work. I haven't just been hiding behind a facade, I have and am experiencing extreme abdominal pain and organs and stones have been removed from my body.
It hasn't been a field day.
I haven't been able to concentrate on even completing any personal projects with the months of freedom while trying to heal because of how constantly stressed out I am.
Home life is acting as a bottomless well of stress, factor in the fact I've almost died because of medical stuff and because of the efforts of someone wanting me to die, throw in the fact I am feeling very torn about the prospect of love and ever being able to be married, I am feeling very distant from God and that we are so far apart right now, I feel as if my very breath is a toxin that is tainting the world, I feel like my purpose is to exist and contribute to the pain flowing through the world, I feel the need to constantly hate myself because of the lack of perfection, I see the perfection of Your love but see the shallow and disgusting grave that my love creates.
All of these factors mean something, they are part of something bigger that I cannot understand. I like to act and put on a show as if I understand but to be perfectly honest I do not know.
It kills me to know that I am so limited in everything.
I wish I could stop being a prick long enough to love my family and be loved by them. It scares me. I can't stand visiting certain friends anymore because they have a home life set up and that feeling is scary. It is unnerving to be an environment of love and acceptance and being wanted.
Being here is like having my lungs constantly compressed, my heart constantly placed in a vice grip, it is as if I receive this constant reassurance that I am a failure incapable of love and that I should not even try.
The thing is, except for a few extreme events that happen every few months nothing really happens. It is just this. This dank and tangible darkness that I am part of.
It feels like I am being swallowed whole by it, it's been a part of my life since I was born and I had escaped it for a few months by going to Mobile for college but really it never left my side.
It's like a deep infection that burns through the night and keeps me awake, it stops me from wanting to go to church, makes me unable to take criticism and much less jokes from family members, it makes me want myself to be permanently damaged and choose to hate me.
There are so many other complicated words, thoughts and feelings in all of this but ultimately I just longed to be loved as me but more than that I want to be moved out of this pit, this desperate hate that consumes me.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Another mostly wasted day with worthless thoughts, worse than all of that they were stupid and pitiful.
I want to feel something more than I am, be something else.
But the problem I keep running into is that I am just me.
Nothing, nothing and nothing.
I want to scream to find some sort of answer, some sort of sanity and relief.
I want to feel something more than I am, be something else.
But the problem I keep running into is that I am just me.
Nothing, nothing and nothing.
I want to scream to find some sort of answer, some sort of sanity and relief.
Recollections Going and Gone Wild
I've lost this ability to be transparent...I just want to mask everything in metaphors. Ever since I committed what feels like the unforgettable mistake of opening myself up to relationships while in college...it is just like my soul has done nothing but die.
This has been nothing but a constant downward spiral ever since I said that first yes and was naive enough to open myself up in hope towards incomprehensibly broken humans.
I honestly do not care how dramatic this sounds and you know, I think that is the point. The point is, is that it does hurt. Is that my life has been changed and that it has been a constant train wreck of bad decisions.
It hasn't all been bad, that is not my point but my point is that right now I am a byproduct of all of the bad decisions and bad investments of relationships.
What the hell is it with people and sex?
I'm so happy I'm still a virgin. Kissing can be do empty and devoid of meaning...I don't understand how people can just throw themselves into sex. If I honestly had as empty an experince with sex as I have with something as stupid as a kiss...seriously I think I would kill myself out of depression and despair.
It is tragic how stupid and shortsighted humans are. We look for purpose but only want something that keeps us entertained/feeling good about ourselves/feeling cool. As soon as anything that resembles commitment or sacrifices comes around we run like the cowards we are.
It is disgusting and just heart breaking.
I can't judge them because Jesus was smart enough to say that lusting is enough for someone to be guilty of committing adultery. The heart is where sin is born and my heart is this rotten and pathetic thing.
I just want to scream to the entire world about how senseless this all is, how human I am, how I don't want to care anymore but I do.
I'm sick of being stuck with conditions I never asked or desired to experince. I miss being a child with no real understanding of good or evil, at least I could enjoy life. Now...oh ho, NOW since I have a degree in Jesus and have had my heart ripped apart I know what good and evil is.
I have discovered how everyone lies and no one is good. Everyone is a selfish and apathetic person wanting to run away from the first sign of someone else being human. You may have a small minority who are somehow born more innocent than the rest of us...but I know I am not. I am dirty, angry and exhausted.
I have lived in this disgusting mud for what seems like eternity.
I scream and rage against the walls of this prison and all I get are odd looks. The next person who tells me 'You are only human.', 'Stop thinking and enjoy life' or 'It's okay to be human' are going to get punched in the face. I know I'm human, I can't turn my mind off and be like you and I sure doubt I will ever be comfortable with being something that is not perfect.
It feels disgusting to be made to feel like a freak...simply because I actually bother to see the truth. For bothering to point out the inherent hypocrisy that others so willingly embrace and to know that most everything is forever and ever pointless and devoid of any substantial meaning other than the absolute finite and pathetic 'meaning' we attribute to it.
I can't hide the truth of my hate, my angry, my loneliness, my pain, my isolation and my overwhelming disgust anymore. Being human...being alive feels like nothing more than this living plague where my natural desire is to use and destroy everything around me.
Love?
Don't make me sick.
I hate that word. I've used it in so many ways that it makes me want to vomit.
This stupid lust, those disgusting kisses, those wasted memories those ever growing feelings of being used and just being a piece of meat...yeah baby it was great and all except for the part where seeing your face made me want to shoot myself. Every little reminder is like having a hot knife shoved repeatedly into my stomach and pushed even deeper.
My first love? Never. No more of a need to talk about it because I'm sure she doesn't even know what I'm talking about.
I'm not crazy, crazy people do not stop to wonder if they are crazy. About every fifth thought I have is a worry about being crazy. I'm only crazy in the sense that people would ideally wish for me to shut up or maybe hope I can ran over by a truck or something.
No one wants to face the idea that they consist of nothing more than hypocritical lies that will add up to and mean nothing.
I'm tired of feeling empty and that everything I do is trite and meaningless.
I'm so tired from screaming all of this, I'm so tired for being so broken and hurting.
I'm sick of just everything that I am and I so want to be freed, again.
I can't handle this much longer. You know how much longer I can go before I break down, please keep this in mind. If I break again I have no doubt it will be my last and I won't be able to recover. I need something now before I fall off this cliff, i need something real that can only come from you.
Please.
This has been nothing but a constant downward spiral ever since I said that first yes and was naive enough to open myself up in hope towards incomprehensibly broken humans.
I honestly do not care how dramatic this sounds and you know, I think that is the point. The point is, is that it does hurt. Is that my life has been changed and that it has been a constant train wreck of bad decisions.
It hasn't all been bad, that is not my point but my point is that right now I am a byproduct of all of the bad decisions and bad investments of relationships.
What the hell is it with people and sex?
I'm so happy I'm still a virgin. Kissing can be do empty and devoid of meaning...I don't understand how people can just throw themselves into sex. If I honestly had as empty an experince with sex as I have with something as stupid as a kiss...seriously I think I would kill myself out of depression and despair.
It is tragic how stupid and shortsighted humans are. We look for purpose but only want something that keeps us entertained/feeling good about ourselves/feeling cool. As soon as anything that resembles commitment or sacrifices comes around we run like the cowards we are.
It is disgusting and just heart breaking.
I can't judge them because Jesus was smart enough to say that lusting is enough for someone to be guilty of committing adultery. The heart is where sin is born and my heart is this rotten and pathetic thing.
I just want to scream to the entire world about how senseless this all is, how human I am, how I don't want to care anymore but I do.
I'm sick of being stuck with conditions I never asked or desired to experince. I miss being a child with no real understanding of good or evil, at least I could enjoy life. Now...oh ho, NOW since I have a degree in Jesus and have had my heart ripped apart I know what good and evil is.
I have discovered how everyone lies and no one is good. Everyone is a selfish and apathetic person wanting to run away from the first sign of someone else being human. You may have a small minority who are somehow born more innocent than the rest of us...but I know I am not. I am dirty, angry and exhausted.
I have lived in this disgusting mud for what seems like eternity.
I scream and rage against the walls of this prison and all I get are odd looks. The next person who tells me 'You are only human.', 'Stop thinking and enjoy life' or 'It's okay to be human' are going to get punched in the face. I know I'm human, I can't turn my mind off and be like you and I sure doubt I will ever be comfortable with being something that is not perfect.
It feels disgusting to be made to feel like a freak...simply because I actually bother to see the truth. For bothering to point out the inherent hypocrisy that others so willingly embrace and to know that most everything is forever and ever pointless and devoid of any substantial meaning other than the absolute finite and pathetic 'meaning' we attribute to it.
I can't hide the truth of my hate, my angry, my loneliness, my pain, my isolation and my overwhelming disgust anymore. Being human...being alive feels like nothing more than this living plague where my natural desire is to use and destroy everything around me.
Love?
Don't make me sick.
I hate that word. I've used it in so many ways that it makes me want to vomit.
This stupid lust, those disgusting kisses, those wasted memories those ever growing feelings of being used and just being a piece of meat...yeah baby it was great and all except for the part where seeing your face made me want to shoot myself. Every little reminder is like having a hot knife shoved repeatedly into my stomach and pushed even deeper.
My first love? Never. No more of a need to talk about it because I'm sure she doesn't even know what I'm talking about.
I'm not crazy, crazy people do not stop to wonder if they are crazy. About every fifth thought I have is a worry about being crazy. I'm only crazy in the sense that people would ideally wish for me to shut up or maybe hope I can ran over by a truck or something.
No one wants to face the idea that they consist of nothing more than hypocritical lies that will add up to and mean nothing.
I'm tired of feeling empty and that everything I do is trite and meaningless.
I'm so tired from screaming all of this, I'm so tired for being so broken and hurting.
I'm sick of just everything that I am and I so want to be freed, again.
I can't handle this much longer. You know how much longer I can go before I break down, please keep this in mind. If I break again I have no doubt it will be my last and I won't be able to recover. I need something now before I fall off this cliff, i need something real that can only come from you.
Please.
Somehow I have acted as though my words have meaning,
as if by my feeble expressions I can shift the unknowing
and somehow bend the impossibilities of the eternal
into some comprehensible understanding.
All that is comprehensible in this
is my ignorance and fallacies.
These pretty words painted on porcelain,
hues made to match the stained glass of your mind.
These pretty useless artifacts
serving to only raise our thinly veiled narcissism.
The glass breaks and shatters
cutting flesh and opening the soul with wounds
beyond the surface.
Showing the ugly side of being human,
this lust for pleasure
and hatred of anything pure.
Disgust for anything other than myself.
This narcissistic love.
as if by my feeble expressions I can shift the unknowing
and somehow bend the impossibilities of the eternal
into some comprehensible understanding.
All that is comprehensible in this
is my ignorance and fallacies.
These pretty words painted on porcelain,
hues made to match the stained glass of your mind.
These pretty useless artifacts
serving to only raise our thinly veiled narcissism.
The glass breaks and shatters
cutting flesh and opening the soul with wounds
beyond the surface.
Showing the ugly side of being human,
this lust for pleasure
and hatred of anything pure.
Disgust for anything other than myself.
This narcissistic love.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Revised Thoughts Of Life
I'm alive.
It is good to be awake on a morning I otherwise would have not have been aware of, were it not for the good and bad. Both are anchors that pull at me but the beautiful thing is they do keep my grounded.
Both good and bad have purposes and ways they help propel and give purpose.
I'm almost afraid to be myself because I have no clue who I am. It seems like I have just been living in this self focused and self obsessed life forever. The last time I was genuinely happy was when I was doing something that had nothing to do with my own personal happiness or contentment.
So few thoughts can make the sort of sense that you do.
Every word you speak is another synonym,
a meaning of life that is only trite
when I stop to realize the malice
that can only be in absolute fallacy.
Every whispered word at night
followed by such weak sighs,
it is disconcerting.
Are you already tired of playing Jesus?
It hasn't even been a week yet.
You have to be a bit more apt
if you want to play this mindless game.
God love you
because I sure do not.
It is good to be awake on a morning I otherwise would have not have been aware of, were it not for the good and bad. Both are anchors that pull at me but the beautiful thing is they do keep my grounded.
Both good and bad have purposes and ways they help propel and give purpose.
I'm almost afraid to be myself because I have no clue who I am. It seems like I have just been living in this self focused and self obsessed life forever. The last time I was genuinely happy was when I was doing something that had nothing to do with my own personal happiness or contentment.
So few thoughts can make the sort of sense that you do.
Every word you speak is another synonym,
a meaning of life that is only trite
when I stop to realize the malice
that can only be in absolute fallacy.
Every whispered word at night
followed by such weak sighs,
it is disconcerting.
Are you already tired of playing Jesus?
It hasn't even been a week yet.
You have to be a bit more apt
if you want to play this mindless game.
God love you
because I sure do not.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Duality screams at you,
like the battered shell of your life.
Did you not even realize it was a lie?
It's almost as sad
as this broken attempts
at regulating life
in a box by box mentality
that politics tries to be.
It's almost as sad as the day you left me
but never as happy as when I saw the real you
staring into me,
like a sick animal
only worried about consuming.
Well baby I know the truth,
so please help me by helping you.
like the battered shell of your life.
Did you not even realize it was a lie?
It's almost as sad
as this broken attempts
at regulating life
in a box by box mentality
that politics tries to be.
It's almost as sad as the day you left me
but never as happy as when I saw the real you
staring into me,
like a sick animal
only worried about consuming.
Well baby I know the truth,
so please help me by helping you.
Pretty words tonight
just taking up the air,
pretty words tonight
almost feel like a dare.
I could love you or leave you,
hate you or just be me.
But the end result is something
you would never expect to see.
Pleasant days
and dreams of rain.
Hold tight to your steady course
bursting forth on ahead.
You might have miss the point,
unless you actually looked for once.
Bothered to see something deeper
that is beyond your own pretentiously
venomous lips.
just taking up the air,
pretty words tonight
almost feel like a dare.
I could love you or leave you,
hate you or just be me.
But the end result is something
you would never expect to see.
Pleasant days
and dreams of rain.
Hold tight to your steady course
bursting forth on ahead.
You might have miss the point,
unless you actually looked for once.
Bothered to see something deeper
that is beyond your own pretentiously
venomous lips.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Ghetto Zorro Thoughts
Basic Time Line
Pre-2004 - Because of huge debt and an inability to get sufficient donations to fund the expansion programs, the University of Mobile agrees to house experimental power generators in their soon to be built new dorms. These new generators run off of an unknown element suspected to be extraterrestrial.
Fall 2004 - All major players in the Ghetto Zorro Universe attend the University of Mobile as Freshmen. Most important of notice is that the one day heroes known as Ghetto Zorro and Urban Ninja Boy meet each other for the first time, as well as their soon to be mortal foes Darth Zader, Pickpocket Luigi and Emperor Santa (who exists in multiple forms). The only ones to know each other before this time are Andrew and Josh who are to become terrors not only on campus but on a universal scale.
Spring 2005 - By this time all of the main players of the soon to come events know each other and have became friends that regularly spend time together.
March 3rd, 2005 - The time of the emergency alarm begins.
At approximately 3:00 AM on this morning the monitoring alarms for the Power Generators begin to go off causing confusion and chaos in the dorms. Although these are written off as being nothing more than false fire alarms more sinister intentions lay behind closed doors.
March through May - Numerous incidents involving the warning alarms for the generators go off before being eventually removed, the reasoning being that whatever the students do not know will never hurt them.
Fall 2005 - Due to seemingly random events all of Matt's former roommates leave school and Jon and himself become roommates.
-Because of increased budget cuts, the power to the school from outside sources is frequently cut off at inconvenient hours. To a certain degree the experimental generators are able to supplement sufficient power prompting the administration to green light other secretive projects on campus.
...one day the secret experimental generators that had been installed in Samford hall begin to go awry, in big ways.
November 13th 2005
2:05 PM
-Matt and Jon are in their room doing their respective homework when a horrible noise of metal screeching is heard. Everyone on their floor stick their head out their doors but see nothing. Assuming everything is normal they head back but then the entire foundation of the dorm is rocked by an explosion.
Random sections of the dorm are consumed by flames, others simply evaporate from the explosion, still others 'phase' out of existence, simply ceasing to exist.
2:10 PM
-Jon crawls out from beneath his desk feeling disoriented but otherwise fine. Calling out to his friend Matt he turns and is shocked to find that the side of the room inhabited by his roommate had simply dissipated, he could look down and see the second floor room beneath what had been Matt's half of the room.
2:11 PM
Matt awakens to find himself in an ethereal plane of existence, he is simply floating amongst sections of his room and odd parts of Samford Dorm in a seemingly endless void.
2:14 PM
Josh carries his badly injured roommate Andrew from the rubble of their room and Andrew is immediately taken by the swarms of officials and security that were surrounding the disaster area. Josh is left standing there, baffled by the lack of medical personal that seemed to be there. Without warning he collapses and falls into a coma he will not come out of for days.
2:15 PM
Jon had begun his climb out of the wreckage of the third floor using multiple strands of Christmas lights as improvised rope. proximately half way down he plummets the remaining twenty feet and lands in a perfect crouch incurring no damage and surprising himself. Brushing himself off he quickly joins in the hunt for his friends and other survivors, hoping his roommate was to be found.
2:18
Josh and Andrew along with others injured in the explosion are taken to recently built medical facilities that exist in what were former storage areas in Weaver Hall.
2:35 PM
By this time camera crews from various television stations have gathered. Both school and government officials write the explosion off as being nothing more than an unfortunate gas line that was ignited by a series of improbable events. Being caught up in the human drama unfolding before them, be it friends finding friends, families finding loves ones and all mourning the loss, no further questioning over the situation occurs.
2:37
By this time Andrew has begun to be fitted with a special survival suit that includes a body temperature regulator, breathing apparatus and vital signs monitor. Due to the similarity to the iconic villain he is dubbed by the medical personal as being 'Darth Zader'.
Josh is under monitor by those in control of the facilities and every few minutes he seems to seize up and every function of his body freezes. It is later suspected that somehow his body was still interacting with the space time disturbances at the dorm and each 'seize' was the creation of an exact clone of himself.
These clones would be mostly harmless and get themselves killed in seemingly inexplicable ways except for one who would declare himself Emperor Santa and attempt to cause the world to become eternally froze. Always winter but never Christmas.
2:47
Matt was still in the void and although he had not begun to fully understand where he was a sense of understanding had begun to fill him.
Pre-2004 - Because of huge debt and an inability to get sufficient donations to fund the expansion programs, the University of Mobile agrees to house experimental power generators in their soon to be built new dorms. These new generators run off of an unknown element suspected to be extraterrestrial.
Fall 2004 - All major players in the Ghetto Zorro Universe attend the University of Mobile as Freshmen. Most important of notice is that the one day heroes known as Ghetto Zorro and Urban Ninja Boy meet each other for the first time, as well as their soon to be mortal foes Darth Zader, Pickpocket Luigi and Emperor Santa (who exists in multiple forms). The only ones to know each other before this time are Andrew and Josh who are to become terrors not only on campus but on a universal scale.
Spring 2005 - By this time all of the main players of the soon to come events know each other and have became friends that regularly spend time together.
March 3rd, 2005 - The time of the emergency alarm begins.
At approximately 3:00 AM on this morning the monitoring alarms for the Power Generators begin to go off causing confusion and chaos in the dorms. Although these are written off as being nothing more than false fire alarms more sinister intentions lay behind closed doors.
March through May - Numerous incidents involving the warning alarms for the generators go off before being eventually removed, the reasoning being that whatever the students do not know will never hurt them.
Fall 2005 - Due to seemingly random events all of Matt's former roommates leave school and Jon and himself become roommates.
-Because of increased budget cuts, the power to the school from outside sources is frequently cut off at inconvenient hours. To a certain degree the experimental generators are able to supplement sufficient power prompting the administration to green light other secretive projects on campus.
...one day the secret experimental generators that had been installed in Samford hall begin to go awry, in big ways.
November 13th 2005
2:05 PM
-Matt and Jon are in their room doing their respective homework when a horrible noise of metal screeching is heard. Everyone on their floor stick their head out their doors but see nothing. Assuming everything is normal they head back but then the entire foundation of the dorm is rocked by an explosion.
Random sections of the dorm are consumed by flames, others simply evaporate from the explosion, still others 'phase' out of existence, simply ceasing to exist.
2:10 PM
-Jon crawls out from beneath his desk feeling disoriented but otherwise fine. Calling out to his friend Matt he turns and is shocked to find that the side of the room inhabited by his roommate had simply dissipated, he could look down and see the second floor room beneath what had been Matt's half of the room.
2:11 PM
Matt awakens to find himself in an ethereal plane of existence, he is simply floating amongst sections of his room and odd parts of Samford Dorm in a seemingly endless void.
2:14 PM
Josh carries his badly injured roommate Andrew from the rubble of their room and Andrew is immediately taken by the swarms of officials and security that were surrounding the disaster area. Josh is left standing there, baffled by the lack of medical personal that seemed to be there. Without warning he collapses and falls into a coma he will not come out of for days.
2:15 PM
Jon had begun his climb out of the wreckage of the third floor using multiple strands of Christmas lights as improvised rope. proximately half way down he plummets the remaining twenty feet and lands in a perfect crouch incurring no damage and surprising himself. Brushing himself off he quickly joins in the hunt for his friends and other survivors, hoping his roommate was to be found.
2:18
Josh and Andrew along with others injured in the explosion are taken to recently built medical facilities that exist in what were former storage areas in Weaver Hall.
2:35 PM
By this time camera crews from various television stations have gathered. Both school and government officials write the explosion off as being nothing more than an unfortunate gas line that was ignited by a series of improbable events. Being caught up in the human drama unfolding before them, be it friends finding friends, families finding loves ones and all mourning the loss, no further questioning over the situation occurs.
2:37
By this time Andrew has begun to be fitted with a special survival suit that includes a body temperature regulator, breathing apparatus and vital signs monitor. Due to the similarity to the iconic villain he is dubbed by the medical personal as being 'Darth Zader'.
Josh is under monitor by those in control of the facilities and every few minutes he seems to seize up and every function of his body freezes. It is later suspected that somehow his body was still interacting with the space time disturbances at the dorm and each 'seize' was the creation of an exact clone of himself.
These clones would be mostly harmless and get themselves killed in seemingly inexplicable ways except for one who would declare himself Emperor Santa and attempt to cause the world to become eternally froze. Always winter but never Christmas.
2:47
Matt was still in the void and although he had not begun to fully understand where he was a sense of understanding had begun to fill him.
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