It feels like time is becoming muddled into this single unbreakable blob that I cannot begin to understand. It is hard for me to break lines apart and see truth for what it is, or really see anything for what it is.
These writings act as some kind of anchor and a reminder that I am not living some profane version of the movie Groundhog Day.
There is a real aspect to life, there is a reality, there is this confusion, there is anger, there is pain, there is sadness, there are happy thoughts too. Amalgamation upon confused mixtures of bitter words of varying shades of intellect.
It does not compute, it does not make sense, it is a struggle to press on, I do not want a game, I did not ask for this, no one ever gave me the option and here I am as I am and nothing more or less then what I was confused as being.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I am not a fan of my own thoughts most of the time. It feels like there are two people, one person who is speaking and giving all of these thoughts and there is the real me who is just here to act as a meat shield for all of the response.
Not an incredibly cherry world view I'll admit, but if something feels and seems like it might be true and the honest truth it may be true.
How much of negative is a choice? Is it purely perception or is there a real element of fatalism involved?
Not an incredibly cherry world view I'll admit, but if something feels and seems like it might be true and the honest truth it may be true.
How much of negative is a choice? Is it purely perception or is there a real element of fatalism involved?
No Words Free
There are no words free that i may use to describe everythign you are, all that you are and all that you will be.
Words fall short and actions fail to render true meaning to one like you.
Your name unspeakable, your my eyes can never meet your gaze, to be in your mere shadow causes me to stumble.
In few words you are beyond perfection, you are one beyond my imagination.
Words fall short and actions fail to render true meaning to one like you.
Your name unspeakable, your my eyes can never meet your gaze, to be in your mere shadow causes me to stumble.
In few words you are beyond perfection, you are one beyond my imagination.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Useless Repeating Words
Something I will never understand is why people insist on saying the same thing again and again without giving an actual reason for why they insist on telling me the exact same thing again and again.
To add further insult, certain looks are used in conjunction with the same words and it becomes, to me at least, a rather insulting reminder as to why I despise the company of certain people.
Are some people so hopelessly broken that all they can do is recite the same lines again and again? Is it supposed to a form of torture? A test to see how long I can go before I just shoot myself so I will not have to deal with hearing the same words again and again?
The term family is nothing but a joke to me. I betray my sense of arrogance when I say that it feels like I am more mature then those I am around. It may be the fact I am who I am but if someone is doing what I feel to be irrational I would like to talk to them and see why they are doing this. Repeating the same phrases again and again is not really a viable solution, of course this is coming from my vastly inferior mind and what is ultimately nothing more then a merely humble opinion.
At the end of the day big words, irritating repetition, nor loud angry words get you respect or your idea conveyed. It acts as a reminder as to why I have a severe dislike for a shockingly high number of people. Respect is not automatically given, it has to be earned, especially when one insists on being such a pompous ass for the majority of my life.
To add further insult, certain looks are used in conjunction with the same words and it becomes, to me at least, a rather insulting reminder as to why I despise the company of certain people.
Are some people so hopelessly broken that all they can do is recite the same lines again and again? Is it supposed to a form of torture? A test to see how long I can go before I just shoot myself so I will not have to deal with hearing the same words again and again?
The term family is nothing but a joke to me. I betray my sense of arrogance when I say that it feels like I am more mature then those I am around. It may be the fact I am who I am but if someone is doing what I feel to be irrational I would like to talk to them and see why they are doing this. Repeating the same phrases again and again is not really a viable solution, of course this is coming from my vastly inferior mind and what is ultimately nothing more then a merely humble opinion.
At the end of the day big words, irritating repetition, nor loud angry words get you respect or your idea conveyed. It acts as a reminder as to why I have a severe dislike for a shockingly high number of people. Respect is not automatically given, it has to be earned, especially when one insists on being such a pompous ass for the majority of my life.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Thought of the Day
As much as I enjoy writing such eloquent pieces of self-focused rubbish, there comes a point where one becomes so disgusted and so sick of self.
Who I am.
What I am.
Why I am.
A threefold damnable truth intermingled with its own self deniable lies.
I feel like I am going to break if thigns continue on the way they are.
Self absorbed.
Self ordained.
Self proclaimed.
It feels like my once sacred outlet of writing has become infected by this disease, this filth that is created. The nobility, the worth, the purpose, the being all becomes intermingled and intermixed with concepts that contradict their own being.
I am sick of traditional wisdom. I do not care about what you deem to be the absolute and undying truth, your speeches about the good things in life...keep your money and go die with it, along with your health cares and bastardized versions of Christ and the church. Since you want your damn religion so much, by all means take the trash and go die along with it.
Who I am.
What I am.
Why I am.
A threefold damnable truth intermingled with its own self deniable lies.
I feel like I am going to break if thigns continue on the way they are.
Self absorbed.
Self ordained.
Self proclaimed.
It feels like my once sacred outlet of writing has become infected by this disease, this filth that is created. The nobility, the worth, the purpose, the being all becomes intermingled and intermixed with concepts that contradict their own being.
I am sick of traditional wisdom. I do not care about what you deem to be the absolute and undying truth, your speeches about the good things in life...keep your money and go die with it, along with your health cares and bastardized versions of Christ and the church. Since you want your damn religion so much, by all means take the trash and go die along with it.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Muck of the World
There is so much, so little real, so few things worth the bother.
Thankfully however, the things worth the bother are actually worth something. Doesn't change my apathy towards the more frivolous and stupid things in this life but it does mean I want to live.
Thankfully however, the things worth the bother are actually worth something. Doesn't change my apathy towards the more frivolous and stupid things in this life but it does mean I want to live.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Nightmares of Marriage
Last night I had an odd experience because for the first time I had a continuous nightmare and it was the subject of marriage of all things. I wake up anywhere from 3-5 times a night and like normal I woke up, however every time I went back to sleep it was the same horrible nightmare continuing on.
In the nightmare I was engaged to some annoying tart I had known only for a few weeks and my heavens...I do not understand how I could date someone that annoying or even considered marrying them. It wasn't that she was needy (who isn't?) but we are talking MTV reality television reject needy.
I have a somewhat high view of love and marriage and I would rather be doused in gasoline and set on fire then marry someone outside of equal love and commitment. My big problem with people like that is their love is performance based (like certain family members I have dealt with). As long as you do exactly what they want and expect of you then everything is fine. However, Hell itself comes for a visit should you get any single thing wrong, much less commit the sin of thinking for yourself. Yeah...no way I am going to tolerate that because what I have dealt with has nearly driven me insane as is.
So...fictional nightmare finance whose name I never knew, go find someone else to pester because I do not need a floozy like you bothering my dreams anymore!
In the nightmare I was engaged to some annoying tart I had known only for a few weeks and my heavens...I do not understand how I could date someone that annoying or even considered marrying them. It wasn't that she was needy (who isn't?) but we are talking MTV reality television reject needy.
I have a somewhat high view of love and marriage and I would rather be doused in gasoline and set on fire then marry someone outside of equal love and commitment. My big problem with people like that is their love is performance based (like certain family members I have dealt with). As long as you do exactly what they want and expect of you then everything is fine. However, Hell itself comes for a visit should you get any single thing wrong, much less commit the sin of thinking for yourself. Yeah...no way I am going to tolerate that because what I have dealt with has nearly driven me insane as is.
So...fictional nightmare finance whose name I never knew, go find someone else to pester because I do not need a floozy like you bothering my dreams anymore!
Migrane
Sleep is hard because of the pain. The non stop pounding of pressure combined with the stress of life and incomprehensible chemicals raging through my body have all equaled out to this pain that will not cease and feels as if my mind will simply explode.
Friday, January 4, 2008
No Rest for the Weary
I honestly am so sick of these feelings. I HATE having desires that have no hope of being satisfied or having a peaceful resolution. How arrogant is it that I want to take a more then slight angry stance against my creator because I never asked for this? I know I 'should' be humble like the rest of associates and suck up to Jesus but I am either to tired, to irreverent or spread so thin that I do not care about paying false lip service anymore.
The idea, the thought, the feeling, the desire, the discussion, the existence, the reality...I think you get the point...of sex, sexuality and everything related to that is currently in the process of driving me past my current state of Madness and into the realm of Vehemently Angry With a Strong Disposition to Express myself.
I know it is near pointless to say this but life does not feel fair because we are not allowed to choose to live and further still we are not allowed to exempt on the maddening confusion of sexuality.
I do not care right now that sexuality in and of itself is a good thing, I however do care greatly that the desires and feeling attached to it are in the process of making me miserable and angry. How did this even seem like a good idea before the fall happened?
Our natures are quick to err and so often life does not make much sense, so often we hurt each other and do not care. Human beings are physical/sexuality mixed with spirit/mind, that is why things are so odd. This unique blend of amphibian likeness is what differentiates us from everything.
Realizing and feeling I am right does nothing to alleviate the frustrations I feel, the desires that never leave me alone and the overwhelming urge to jump up and down while screaming at the heavens.
The idea, the thought, the feeling, the desire, the discussion, the existence, the reality...I think you get the point...of sex, sexuality and everything related to that is currently in the process of driving me past my current state of Madness and into the realm of Vehemently Angry With a Strong Disposition to Express myself.
I know it is near pointless to say this but life does not feel fair because we are not allowed to choose to live and further still we are not allowed to exempt on the maddening confusion of sexuality.
I do not care right now that sexuality in and of itself is a good thing, I however do care greatly that the desires and feeling attached to it are in the process of making me miserable and angry. How did this even seem like a good idea before the fall happened?
Our natures are quick to err and so often life does not make much sense, so often we hurt each other and do not care. Human beings are physical/sexuality mixed with spirit/mind, that is why things are so odd. This unique blend of amphibian likeness is what differentiates us from everything.
Realizing and feeling I am right does nothing to alleviate the frustrations I feel, the desires that never leave me alone and the overwhelming urge to jump up and down while screaming at the heavens.
Acthung Baby!
It has been nice not having written real posts about Christmas or New Years, for the sake of the world I decided it was best to leave the self loathing and deep reflection for others more qualified for the job.
That being said, I will now indulge into a musical rant that may or may not end up digressing into a rant on third world poverty, existentialism or the fact I am rather hungry:
So I woke up a half hour ago and turned my laptop on and by chance winamp was playing through the album Acthung Baby by U2. For those who sift through my music collection it is not a shock to realize I happen to enjoy the band but there is just something that is absolutely amazing about this album.
There are so many factors as to why I enjoy U2 so much...emotion, honesty, irony, complexity, atmospheric sound, relate ability among other things. But this one particular album goes well beyond that.
From first glance (or listen rather) it seems like U2 had completely lost their mind between the years 1989 and 1991, long gone are the metaphorical references to the western United States, over references to Christianity and the in your face approach to political activities. Instead there is a dangerous album that seems overly simplified.
There is an emphasis on personal relationship in the lyrics and the music almost makes it feel like you have arrived at a party. It's not until you have heard the record for the dozenth or so time do things really sink in and one can get a sense as to how dark this album is.
Dark irony as it were, a dozen songs that taken as a whole begin the first part of a story of leaving behind the stories you were told as a kid and trying to find out what is true by experience. Which in and of itself is not the best way of discovering life but it is the path most choose because it is so hard to simply sit back in life when you can go yourself.
The thoughts I rationalize myself would most likely scare the vast majority of people away from me so I don't intend to sound judgmental in the least, so often i want to just leave everything behind and really go into the world. I know I don't exactly have to live wild and stupid to get the point that there are problems in this world and that eventually you have to stop seeing yourself as the center of the universe.
Bah.
I wanted to write about the album but there are so many strings and so many directions of thought associated with that album that it is almost impossible for me to keep a single thought in place long enough to write it down. Maybe I'll just have to come back and write about individual songs before I can write about the album as a whole.
My point is this:
Most people I meet either love or hate U2, I do not judge you for either of these actions but I would advocate finding this album and taking a long listen. I very well could have horrid musical tastes but that hasn't stopped me yet.
That being said, I will now indulge into a musical rant that may or may not end up digressing into a rant on third world poverty, existentialism or the fact I am rather hungry:
So I woke up a half hour ago and turned my laptop on and by chance winamp was playing through the album Acthung Baby by U2. For those who sift through my music collection it is not a shock to realize I happen to enjoy the band but there is just something that is absolutely amazing about this album.
There are so many factors as to why I enjoy U2 so much...emotion, honesty, irony, complexity, atmospheric sound, relate ability among other things. But this one particular album goes well beyond that.
From first glance (or listen rather) it seems like U2 had completely lost their mind between the years 1989 and 1991, long gone are the metaphorical references to the western United States, over references to Christianity and the in your face approach to political activities. Instead there is a dangerous album that seems overly simplified.
There is an emphasis on personal relationship in the lyrics and the music almost makes it feel like you have arrived at a party. It's not until you have heard the record for the dozenth or so time do things really sink in and one can get a sense as to how dark this album is.
Dark irony as it were, a dozen songs that taken as a whole begin the first part of a story of leaving behind the stories you were told as a kid and trying to find out what is true by experience. Which in and of itself is not the best way of discovering life but it is the path most choose because it is so hard to simply sit back in life when you can go yourself.
The thoughts I rationalize myself would most likely scare the vast majority of people away from me so I don't intend to sound judgmental in the least, so often i want to just leave everything behind and really go into the world. I know I don't exactly have to live wild and stupid to get the point that there are problems in this world and that eventually you have to stop seeing yourself as the center of the universe.
Bah.
I wanted to write about the album but there are so many strings and so many directions of thought associated with that album that it is almost impossible for me to keep a single thought in place long enough to write it down. Maybe I'll just have to come back and write about individual songs before I can write about the album as a whole.
My point is this:
Most people I meet either love or hate U2, I do not judge you for either of these actions but I would advocate finding this album and taking a long listen. I very well could have horrid musical tastes but that hasn't stopped me yet.
Lack of Understanding
Conversations with people that feel different on issues from me confuse me. As arrogant as I am I do know that what little I do know is quite small...however seeing the massive pain in peoples lives I cannot help but wonder if perhaps I did manage to awkwardly stumble into the best decision on my life.
Sexuality is completely overrated. Culture has no idea what it is talking about because anything that has to mask it's pain with addiction is so broken that it has forfeited it's privilege to speak on anything.
I do not wish to sound arrogant but I will never understand why MTV has much of a sway as it does, I've talked to people for whom it was the promise land...and that really makes me sad. Besides the fact I cannot recall the last time I saw a music video I just almost feel their attempts at being culturally relevant are both laughable and missing the mark completely. Then again this is television we're talking about, it is nothing more then a ratings game competing for more money, they don't give a damn if the advice they give out is good or bad, as long as they get a better percentage then they can be happy for what they have.
It kills me to see people I love as equally or more so miserable then I am. I have many reasons for my problems and I'm not saying people should never feel bad, it is just seeing someone I love suffer and slowly die because of bad decisions really rips me up.
It's not like I possess anything special, it just seems quite evident that playing with fire is going to leave you burned. Gambling your life away for something you don't even really want. It is a frustrating experience to think about how many of us know what we genuinely want or genuinely desire, who we are is not who we are meant to be or who we should be, we are far to easily pleased.
I really like how C.S. lewis put it when he mentioned that we do not have strong desires, in fact our desires are far to weak. Because of pleasure we set ourselves back and damn ourselves to misery because we will not allow ourselves to see who we really are for fear of wanting to change.
Few human beings ever hit the mark of genuinely evil but we enjoy throwing around words like evil, sin, Hell and the like because if we can mock it then we do not have to take it seriously. I enjoy making fun of Satan as much as the next guy but at what point does fiction end and truth begins? It is easy to throw around semantically pretense and just miss the issues of life altogether.
Call me one sided but I am either right or wrong. As much as I enjoy self loathing I believe it is as just as wrong as any other sin. Being wrapped up in yourself so much that you ignore life and those around you is a sin. Left to our own devises we turn something like depression into a sick pleasure that we have trouble parting from. Do I even need to point out the same with how utterly screwed up the notion of sex is?
Sexuality is completely overrated. Culture has no idea what it is talking about because anything that has to mask it's pain with addiction is so broken that it has forfeited it's privilege to speak on anything.
I do not wish to sound arrogant but I will never understand why MTV has much of a sway as it does, I've talked to people for whom it was the promise land...and that really makes me sad. Besides the fact I cannot recall the last time I saw a music video I just almost feel their attempts at being culturally relevant are both laughable and missing the mark completely. Then again this is television we're talking about, it is nothing more then a ratings game competing for more money, they don't give a damn if the advice they give out is good or bad, as long as they get a better percentage then they can be happy for what they have.
It kills me to see people I love as equally or more so miserable then I am. I have many reasons for my problems and I'm not saying people should never feel bad, it is just seeing someone I love suffer and slowly die because of bad decisions really rips me up.
It's not like I possess anything special, it just seems quite evident that playing with fire is going to leave you burned. Gambling your life away for something you don't even really want. It is a frustrating experience to think about how many of us know what we genuinely want or genuinely desire, who we are is not who we are meant to be or who we should be, we are far to easily pleased.
I really like how C.S. lewis put it when he mentioned that we do not have strong desires, in fact our desires are far to weak. Because of pleasure we set ourselves back and damn ourselves to misery because we will not allow ourselves to see who we really are for fear of wanting to change.
Few human beings ever hit the mark of genuinely evil but we enjoy throwing around words like evil, sin, Hell and the like because if we can mock it then we do not have to take it seriously. I enjoy making fun of Satan as much as the next guy but at what point does fiction end and truth begins? It is easy to throw around semantically pretense and just miss the issues of life altogether.
Call me one sided but I am either right or wrong. As much as I enjoy self loathing I believe it is as just as wrong as any other sin. Being wrapped up in yourself so much that you ignore life and those around you is a sin. Left to our own devises we turn something like depression into a sick pleasure that we have trouble parting from. Do I even need to point out the same with how utterly screwed up the notion of sex is?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Oh you...
If you just knew how powerful your words were. One small word would have me transversing the highest heavens and the deepest caverns to find you. I've walked through so many valleys and for some reason you have been there at the top of most of them, just giving a small smile and a word of encouragement.
Keep this up and you may just have won me over before you knew it...
Keep this up and you may just have won me over before you knew it...
Cold Days Ahead
The future is as it always is, uncertain and dark with more then a simple touch of cold. It is hard to breath when there is no air, it is hard to thrive with life when you feel strong pressure to simply die.
It's not like I haven't considered this option before it is just most of the time it has seemed to be an utterly ridiculous notion with no basis, no real effect. Never before has it seemed like such a beautifully viable option, a simple solution to a life time of failures stacked upon each other. Cold and lifeless as this structure that is jokingly called a home, no sane human being could enjoy living here, no sane human being could desire this life here.
I have trouble with breathing, I would just like to lay down and embrace the raw darkness, no more hurt and no more pain.
It's not like I haven't considered this option before it is just most of the time it has seemed to be an utterly ridiculous notion with no basis, no real effect. Never before has it seemed like such a beautifully viable option, a simple solution to a life time of failures stacked upon each other. Cold and lifeless as this structure that is jokingly called a home, no sane human being could enjoy living here, no sane human being could desire this life here.
I have trouble with breathing, I would just like to lay down and embrace the raw darkness, no more hurt and no more pain.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Some Free Thoughts
I would like to sleep now, forever and a day. Sleep is something I normally despise because I do not like the blankness, the vulnerability, the waste of time, the emptiness that tends to surge upon my entrance into the new day.
Odd how I can take a simple pleasure billions of other people can enjoy and not only do I strip it of its joy but my mind twists and provides dark commentary as to why I do not like it.
Anyone can write about the evils of American foreign policy, anyone can point the finger at the corrupt Oil companies, it is quite easy to be bigoted towards something the rest of the world hates...so I do think it is rather admirable and might even say true punk for me to say down with the sleep and down with the aspects of our personal lives that are nothing more then little cancers we are nursing until they are given ample time to grow up and stab us bleeding into the heart.
There are admirable things in life, there are good things, there is happiness, there are smiles, there is a reason to celebrate, there are good reasons to live, good reasons to strive for life, there are purposes and so many other things but right now I do not care, I simply am to selfish and to caught up in my own personal drama to care.
When I write it is almost as if I can start to feel this connection to the whole of creation, there is the flow of words, this extension of myself, I feel some confusion, a little doubt...the words and worlds around me are nothing more then their own personal constructs made for the self glorification of one ego maniac after the next.
Thoughts upon thoughts upon desire upon the lack of control felt by us all. Some scream loud and others try to scream the loudest, just so they can appear to have fictional answers about why they deserve our adoration and worship. Self glorifying and narcissistic bastards, the lot of them.
Odd how I can take a simple pleasure billions of other people can enjoy and not only do I strip it of its joy but my mind twists and provides dark commentary as to why I do not like it.
Anyone can write about the evils of American foreign policy, anyone can point the finger at the corrupt Oil companies, it is quite easy to be bigoted towards something the rest of the world hates...so I do think it is rather admirable and might even say true punk for me to say down with the sleep and down with the aspects of our personal lives that are nothing more then little cancers we are nursing until they are given ample time to grow up and stab us bleeding into the heart.
There are admirable things in life, there are good things, there is happiness, there are smiles, there is a reason to celebrate, there are good reasons to live, good reasons to strive for life, there are purposes and so many other things but right now I do not care, I simply am to selfish and to caught up in my own personal drama to care.
When I write it is almost as if I can start to feel this connection to the whole of creation, there is the flow of words, this extension of myself, I feel some confusion, a little doubt...the words and worlds around me are nothing more then their own personal constructs made for the self glorification of one ego maniac after the next.
Thoughts upon thoughts upon desire upon the lack of control felt by us all. Some scream loud and others try to scream the loudest, just so they can appear to have fictional answers about why they deserve our adoration and worship. Self glorifying and narcissistic bastards, the lot of them.
New Year and New Day with Common Problems
The normal status quo is about the same. The question that must be asked is what shall I do with it and about it?
Making your own decisions for the first time is odd.
I'll need money for sure, health insurance won't hurt, food is good, water is better, creativity is a must and there must be so much of other things that I am not even sure what these 'things' might be exactly.
Old things really don't make me happy anymore, small stories and limited boxes are all they seem to be anymore. Empty constructs dependent on binary like every other computing machine. The inklings of humanity are indeed broad but are quite shallow in their soil.
Realizing the large world with near infinite possibility for the first time is quite terrifying. People settle for sub par things because the world scares the hell out of them and they have no clue how to respond to something so impossibly large. No wonder people are so miserable, we don't even reach a small percentage of the potential and happiness we could have.
I wish it could just be us two, no more of the headaches, no more separation by distance, no more of the entanglements of this broken world holding us back. No more broken visages and no more pretending to love you. I am so sick of this fake love I dance around, this pretending to love you while so much suffering goes on.
If you are more then just my imagination running wild I need to be able to see the path in front of me, even if it is just one step at a time. Any help would most certainly be appreciated and welcomed, every last shred of it will be taken to heart and exuberantly embraced.
Or so I say, at least until the next time I hurt, the next time cry, the next time things fall apart; then I will tear into you again screaming obscenity and cursing the fact I was ever made. It is absolutely amazing how easy it is to blame you for my failures when the only thing you have been responsible has been my success. You have loved and carried me beyond any possible understanding on my part. I want to breath but it is so hard, I want to walk forward but I can't even stand the weight of my own failures.
All I ever had was you, all I have ever wanted is you. Everything else I thought I wanted was just a desire to weak to realize what love is. My body is being ravaged by sin, by time and by failure. I'll have finished dying soon enough and then maybe we can see each other, maybe there will be a world without end that we can share. What is possible is only limited by the infinite love that you hold for me.
Making your own decisions for the first time is odd.
I'll need money for sure, health insurance won't hurt, food is good, water is better, creativity is a must and there must be so much of other things that I am not even sure what these 'things' might be exactly.
Old things really don't make me happy anymore, small stories and limited boxes are all they seem to be anymore. Empty constructs dependent on binary like every other computing machine. The inklings of humanity are indeed broad but are quite shallow in their soil.
Realizing the large world with near infinite possibility for the first time is quite terrifying. People settle for sub par things because the world scares the hell out of them and they have no clue how to respond to something so impossibly large. No wonder people are so miserable, we don't even reach a small percentage of the potential and happiness we could have.
I wish it could just be us two, no more of the headaches, no more separation by distance, no more of the entanglements of this broken world holding us back. No more broken visages and no more pretending to love you. I am so sick of this fake love I dance around, this pretending to love you while so much suffering goes on.
If you are more then just my imagination running wild I need to be able to see the path in front of me, even if it is just one step at a time. Any help would most certainly be appreciated and welcomed, every last shred of it will be taken to heart and exuberantly embraced.
Or so I say, at least until the next time I hurt, the next time cry, the next time things fall apart; then I will tear into you again screaming obscenity and cursing the fact I was ever made. It is absolutely amazing how easy it is to blame you for my failures when the only thing you have been responsible has been my success. You have loved and carried me beyond any possible understanding on my part. I want to breath but it is so hard, I want to walk forward but I can't even stand the weight of my own failures.
All I ever had was you, all I have ever wanted is you. Everything else I thought I wanted was just a desire to weak to realize what love is. My body is being ravaged by sin, by time and by failure. I'll have finished dying soon enough and then maybe we can see each other, maybe there will be a world without end that we can share. What is possible is only limited by the infinite love that you hold for me.
Another Night
It is funny how often I lay awake at night, my hands shaking from the anxiety of never sleeping, my eyes stinging from having run out of tears days ago, barely hearing the lies I tell everyone around me so I can hide from the world, the real funny thing is how often I just think of you. How I become enraptured by the smallest bit of attention you throw my way, my heart clings desperately to the smallest thing you say, the desire of wanting to know I can trust your intentions.
I'm sure that I have to lie to myself to be able to keep going, if I didn't lie you know the truth would destroy us, destroy me. You know I never mean to hurt you by it either, right? Good intentions are all you ever need to be a hero anyways.
I just would like to take a trip inside your mind, to be able to see how you think, how you feel, to know why it feels like I am the last human you would ever want to look at, to know if I really could be loved by someone like you, to know that my mind is playing tricks on me again.
All the same emotion, drama and feelings are all a confusing lot that I never know what to do with.
You are able to be a mystery while I beg to be understood, you hold your emotions under lock and key while I proudly wear them on my sleeves, you speak with the smallest of knowing whispers while I scream and shout my ignorance . Two polar opposites of effect and still I cannot help but think, dwell, pray and seek to be understood.
I'm sure that I have to lie to myself to be able to keep going, if I didn't lie you know the truth would destroy us, destroy me. You know I never mean to hurt you by it either, right? Good intentions are all you ever need to be a hero anyways.
I just would like to take a trip inside your mind, to be able to see how you think, how you feel, to know why it feels like I am the last human you would ever want to look at, to know if I really could be loved by someone like you, to know that my mind is playing tricks on me again.
All the same emotion, drama and feelings are all a confusing lot that I never know what to do with.
You are able to be a mystery while I beg to be understood, you hold your emotions under lock and key while I proudly wear them on my sleeves, you speak with the smallest of knowing whispers while I scream and shout my ignorance . Two polar opposites of effect and still I cannot help but think, dwell, pray and seek to be understood.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Goodbye
I'm sure you are there, somewhere. Thought I would at least say hey. Sorry we may not have talked in a while, I'm sure you know how these things are...life enjoys running circles around us throwing out confusion as if we were at some tacky Mardi Gra parade.
Why waste time and simultaneously ruin the moment?
I suppose it would be best to simply say hello and then part to our very separate ways.
Why waste time and simultaneously ruin the moment?
I suppose it would be best to simply say hello and then part to our very separate ways.
New Years Eve
I really don't have anything worth saying that hasn't already been said before, therefore I'll just borrow the words of a song that puts things rather nicely.
************
It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises,
I half pretend to keep this time, just like last year.
The band is loud and I'm wandering the shadows,
wishing I was never here.
I persevere.
A crowded room, these whitewashed tombs,
they raise their glasses high, they kiss the past goodbye.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve,
and yes I still believe, this New Years Eve,
will turn out better than before,
I'm holding on, still holding out,
until they close the door... on me.
It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities,
are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration,
a second passes by, yet nothing changes.
I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in.
Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.
A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again,
and I dig deep this time,
for something greater than I've ever been,
life to ancient wineskins.
And I was blind but now I see.
This New Years Eve, something must change me inside,
I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe, in You.
-Five Iron Frenzy, "New Years Eve"
************
It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises,
I half pretend to keep this time, just like last year.
The band is loud and I'm wandering the shadows,
wishing I was never here.
I persevere.
A crowded room, these whitewashed tombs,
they raise their glasses high, they kiss the past goodbye.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve,
and yes I still believe, this New Years Eve,
will turn out better than before,
I'm holding on, still holding out,
until they close the door... on me.
It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities,
are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration,
a second passes by, yet nothing changes.
I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in.
Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.
A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again,
and I dig deep this time,
for something greater than I've ever been,
life to ancient wineskins.
And I was blind but now I see.
This New Years Eve, something must change me inside,
I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe, in You.
-Five Iron Frenzy, "New Years Eve"
Monday, December 31, 2007
Goodnight
Wherever you are, I just wanted to stop and say goodnight.
You may read this...one day.
Is it possible for love to exist in ways before it could ever be known?
You may read this...one day.
Is it possible for love to exist in ways before it could ever be known?
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Day Dream
I sometimes wonder how often you think of me, if I ever cross your mind when you are out about in life. I wonder, do you ever think of me when you eat lunch by your window, getting to see the lives of people play out before them? Do I ever cross your mind when you go for a walk, hearing the birds sing their song to you? Could it be you think of me when you lay down to sleep at night, your beautiful mind awash from the days events?
It is a thing I am quite curious about, you see. I hold you in my highest regards and would not wish you ill, even when there is nothing to say.
It is funny to think we can live out our lives separate from each other, never knowing just what the other is thinking, maybe one of us hoping the other will say something. It is funny, right?
There really isn't to much more I can say that needs to be said, although less is indeed more it is not the same for all aspects and matters involving something as fickle as the heart.
Maybe an embrace awaits over the rainbows end.
It is a thing I am quite curious about, you see. I hold you in my highest regards and would not wish you ill, even when there is nothing to say.
It is funny to think we can live out our lives separate from each other, never knowing just what the other is thinking, maybe one of us hoping the other will say something. It is funny, right?
There really isn't to much more I can say that needs to be said, although less is indeed more it is not the same for all aspects and matters involving something as fickle as the heart.
Maybe an embrace awaits over the rainbows end.
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