It does seem that sometimes...loneliness...and isolation are the answers.

Extended Post Scripts

Sometimes it feels every step forward is several back.
Meeting someone I haven't seen in eight years was bizarre.
Just a happenstance meeting in the library.
Invitation to Church tomorrow.

What does it matter...if it matters...at mattering?

Like getting a key to the new store finally.
About a month after we open.
Maybe I can get some extra work in.
Maybe I will be crushed under the weight of my thesis.
Or my health finally gives out via heart failure, cancer or mental illness.

Maybe.
Something.
Everything.
Possibly.

It is so easy to live in hesitation.
That moment of not knowing.
Paralyzed for decades.

Wavering back and forth.
Misery to misery.
Ashes to the dust we become.

Even if you read this...very sentence,
would you know this was about you?
Or just think it was for someone else?

Somethings change.
Everything ends.

You made your decisions.
And so did I.
It seems that now,
we must understand why. 

Must be a strange thing to believe in love.

Hope is hope.
Right?

Last One for the Night

Tired of being tired.
So tired.
Yet again.
Words.
Less words.
More words.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

It's not what you are looking for
but maybe it will find you.

Things are getting better.
And not even a touch of sardonic thought to add.
Just tired and such.
Here we go.

It's amazing how almost dying can put life in perspective.
What you love.
What you care about.
What you treasure.

Or in my case how I have none of the above.

"nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

The plus side of self awareness, is that deep down...I know how incredibly horrible of a person I am and somehow manage to get away with it.

I wish

I wish...for so many impossible and irrational things.
So much hope and so many lite.
more, time and whatever...I'm sorry for not doing more..

Wishes in Pale Sunrise

I wish I could cry.
Let go.
Feel again.
Let the pain rush pass
and slip through my lips.

I wish I could cry.
Feel more.
Pain again.

But it doesn't matter.
The ones who would listen are gone.
It's a blank wall.

Scribbles on a page.
Passing by.
Day again.
Day again.
Another second.
One more labored breath.

Such meanignless phrases.
Time.
Love.
Loss.
Hope.
Doesn't make any sense.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Irksome

You know what is irritating?
Feeling attempts at being manipulated.
I'm not an idiot.
On the rare occasion I can put two and two together.

Oh well.

Such is life, right friend?

Jobs

Oh such a waste of breath.
Hate.
Anger.
Swear words.

My time is better spent sleeping
than planning nanny
to this host of fools.

I miss being excited.
Living life in anticipation.
Having conversations that stimulated and drove me to want to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

However, as of late, there has been months of pervading melancholy. 

I am sleeping in a more healthy and productive manner, eating better, taking vitamins and bothering to exercise in all senses...but there is still this pervading hole.

Sigh.

More Medical Fun

So my chiropractor is really concerned about my migraines, neck pain, vision issues and is wanting me to see a neurologist for a MRI and CT scan.

That is terrifying in the least.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Yeah.
Another day.
More work.
More being tired.
Yeah.

Life continues...

Psalm 25

"Turn to me and have mercy,
    for I am alone and in deep distress. 
 My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all! 
 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
    Forgive all my sins."
-Psalm 25:16-18

So much trouble.
So much pain.
Time rushes and falls.

Yet again here I am.
My life falls like grains of sand
trapped in Your hourglass. 

Remember me now and as the grains fall.
Soon everything will have passed
except for the eternal.

Wash me of my broken sins, the failures I hide from everyone and even attempt to hide from you. Please renew your Spirit within me...give me grace because I cannot handle this on my own.

I'm too tired.
Too broken.
Too confused.
In too much pain.

But I need You.
I love You alone.
You, You are everything.
My everything.
Now and forever.

Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Realizing I was having dreams woke me up from sleep.
That is a bit ironic...

Quote of the Day:

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
-Albus Dumbledore

"There Must Be Something in the Wind" - Blindside

"There Must be Something in the Wind" - Blindside

There must be something in the wind
That wants me to die
To leave all this behind
To let go of these chains
And let them fall
It's like I've always known you and
Still don't know who you are

And I can hear the thunder roaring
From a distance
And it's me on the shoreline
Slowly but surely
You're moving closer
And you're pushing the water
Yea you're pushing the water
Please come wash over me

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache
That's creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

Oh, the sky is electric tonight
My savior from myself
Is on the move
My long lost love
My redeemer
Come and remind me

The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have

I'm waiting for you

Open Window, Fresh Breeze

The sun hovered just beyond the horizon this morning, hiding behind endless layers of clouds. The light has not been too bright and the early morning hours never really got beyond hues of blueish gray.

You can smell the city on the breeze.

A bizarre mixture of fast food, oil, smog and pollen.

The sound is just as mixed with the calls of birds, reeving of motors and the occasional cries of a person or cat.

I wish it was possible to make sense of what is going on inside of me...as I can with what is going on outside the window.

There are proper nouns, objects, places, people and things...and inside of me there is this raging sea full of so many insufficient metaphors which seem to make less sense as the days go by.

Is this normal?

Surely I'm not the only one to question the reality of the world.
How we can be created to feel so much good and bad...and how a good God does Love.
It's far more painful to be Loved than ignored, hated or rejected.
Love drives in between the scales of armor and pierces the heart like nothing else can hope to ever do.

If you ever want to destroy someone totally, do not use hate.
Use love.
It rips apart the fabric of their very being and in its place...something new grows.

And this raging sea persists.
Tides rise and fall.
Cycles begin, end and than continue.
Day in and day out.
Hours and seconds tick away.
Those ticks become a black mark on the calendar by my door.

This madness we call life.
We live, we live and we live.
Every second with static and noise that only sometimes makes sense and in those miraculous moments somehow life happens in all of its imperfectly beautiful ways. 

On Depression

Perhaps the worst part, certainly the most annoying, aspect of depression and anxiety is this feeling of suffocation and fear.

It is all irrational.

There is very little basis for any of it.

And yet...the struggle is so hard.

It matches the physical pain of the fibromyalgia in terms of stress.

It's like having a weight on my soul while my spine is alight from pain.

This is frustrating beyond belief.
But I also choose to believe there is Hope.
Hope that I did not merely choose but chose me as well.
Hope to carry on.
Hope for strength.
Hope for Love.

Even while I feel like this bed has become a prison cell and that no one hears me...there is hope that someone, somewhere can read this and relate...and know they are not alone.

None of us are truly alone.
We may not get what we want out of life.
Things rarely go according to plan.
But at least Love still flies.

And another day...another chance, another breath and another means of living.

The more time I spend around these...humans...the less certain I am about what hypocrisy is...and I dare say I feel like I DO need to love myself...

"Where is everybody?"

I hate that feeling of depression...that pushes things to where you do not want to do anything.

Apathy is annoying.

Badgering and beating.

Trying to breath at times is hard.

But every time I stand up, every day I get up out of bed and keepkicking things around...it gets just a little easier.

Every time.

It's hard to stand up.

But time to stand tall and not give up.

Time and time again.

Ouchie.

I'm really tired of being in pain so often.

It stars to wear on the sanity after awhile.

Late Night Thinking

Still trying to work out thoughts.
Not happening very well.
Or easily.

Feels like my brain has just been blocked.
Well there is a block preventing me from writing.
Having creative outlets.

It's easy to stare at my ceiling fan listening to Nine Inch Nails or U2.
It is so easy because nothing creative is coming out.

The best I get is when working on decks for Magic but even still I'm just getting bored of it.

Not bored of life.
Just bored of what feels like a singular always repeating path with no real change.

I stopped playing games for the most part back in 2006 and while they have helped me cope with things the past couple of years...I may be in need of a break.

Or just a change.

A massive giant change.

So many mixed thoughts and none of them coming out...

Strange turn of events.
Socialness.
Weird.

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Need sleep baaadly...

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Need sleep baaadly...

Ridiculous Songs at Night

I feel the energy.
Hunger for hate.
Seething rage about to boil.
Kick the music into overdrive.
Sound waves starting to careen
create and crease as it starts to live.

Vibrations,
they make and create
blurred lines of emotions.
Screams and slamming
a beat
with tone
and reverberating.

Smash this,
break it in
and don't know
never know
what just to do.

Thesis Writing

Wow.
I didn't realize how hard it would be.

Seriously.

I have not had such a hard time writing...in...well...forever.

I am so freaking worried about getting myself expelled or kicked out for being too moderate and upsetting the status quo.

That is why I'm trying to work on several projects at once...I am hoping the excess of writing will help trigger something with my thesis and then I will be able to just throw it all down, get it down, get it approved and then dance across the stage and May and never return to that insufferable school.

But in the mean time I have to read for school, write some smaller papers and explore the realm of online writing. Right now it's just writing reviews and placing them online to give myself some focus...but that is better than just sitting here and hitting my head against the desk.

So This Is New:

http://lamecreation.tumblr.com/

Recovering from misanthropy is a hard job.

Meek Whispers into the Night

Oh Soul,
are you lonesome tonight?
Are you lonely tonight?
Are you looking for love,
just for tonight?

Tired Soul,
broken nails,
dirty face
and tear stained clothing
are all hurting like Hell,
getting tired of grace.

Oh Soul,
won't you come out tonight?
Will you speak out tonight?
Be moved tonight?
The hour grows late
and soon the chime shall ring
striking chords of midnight
and what have we to show?

Made to be of a consistency
reflecting that of
Celluloid and Cellophane.
False lies
and plastic smiles.

I hope it does not repeat again tomorrow night. 

World of Warcraft

Yeah...just...don't even say a thing.
Stigma.
Shame.
Guilty pleasure.
Wonderful music.
Familiar sounds.

The only thing that could hope to ever match it was The Matrix Online...

Must finish prospectus...must finish prospectus...must...finish...prospectus...

Frustrations and pain.
So annoying.
But at least things are not worse.

Seriously.
Could be infinitely worse and I'm glad to be breathing...to be alive and feel pain, as frustrating as it can be.

Quote of the Day:

"Love is not fantasy. Love is real, and true love is forever. True love comes without condition. It comes with sacrifice and selflessness. It comes in the form of freedom. I have felt it. I still feel it burning inside me like a raging fire that will not be contained. It sweeps over barren landscapes and devours the bleak darkness and the empty sorrow. It washes over pain and hopelessness until nothing remains but these: Faith, Hope, and Love… but the greatest of these is love.“

—	"The Spinal Cord Perception" by Joshua S. Porter

People being people is nothing new.
I just wish...well kind of hoped...
Hoping for hope.
And growth.
Being able to let go of pain.
And the past.

Yeah.
All those things.
At once.

Well...people suck.

On Fruit

Some people dislike fruit?
This is sad.
How can someone dislike an entire food group in which there is enough variety that the options alone could crush you to death?

"I Am Afraid I Am Me" - Showbread

"Lately i have found frustration among the incongruence
a movement of peasants and pacifists drowning in patriotic affluence
i feel as though i should do something but I'm staggered by the ramifications
they've baptized the empire into the church and heralded its sanctification

sometimes i feel as though I'm taking place outside of myself
but I'm afraid that i am me
I am me
 I'm me
 I'm me

"blessed are the meek" succumbs to "might makes right"
"turn the other cheek" succumbs to per-emptive strike
"love your enemies" is fossilized beneath the frozen tundra
and "blessed are the poor in spirit" is devoured by "God bless America"

you file the children into the classrooms, make them stand and say an oath
and when we ask "should i love God or my country?"
you smile and tell us "both."
we've hidden the God we claim we serve and driven him beneath the floorboards
but i can still hear this still, small voice
and i can't take it anymore"

So for all the crazy depressing stuff...life isn't so bad once you get past the silly melancholy.
As it's been said "This too shall pass" and I think that applies to both good and bad things.
I can and choose to smile in defiance of  a broken world.
There is good and I haven't given up.

Interesting Article:

http://joshdies.com/2013/02/08/the-jesus-follower-vs-the-arts/

" Maybe if Christians continue to flee in the face of art and culture they will continue to run the risk of creating tired, dishonest and irrelevant art and culture of their own. This is a risk our King calls us away from as he engages the criminals, the crooks, the hookers and the sinners like you and me. For those called to be creative, as their heavenly Father is creative, there is no private Christian culture, no umbrella for believers to hide beneath. The gospel is a powerful and dangerous thing, a lamp that cannot be covered by a shade."