Ahhh!
Stuff!

I am tired...so tired in ways and awake.
Clothes are washing...

Books are being read...the evening is on its way.

I still cannot manage any sort of coherent thoughts...
Ack.

I am forgetting something...it seems...

Amazing how my mind somehow manages to never turn off...just...

So...that was an interesting take on Robin Hood.
Brain tired.
Stress from life...and decisions to make...

Choice.
Indecision.

Hope...?

So many routes and roads to traverse...why can they never be the easy ones?

I...do...not...really...know...know...know...

I am...not sure.

Hmm...

You know...there is apparently a difference between saying and doing...who knew?

*Sigh*

People are so depressingly stupid...

"The ghost of hope still strikes its brilliant lightning.
Through the dark our hearts will scream,
for a world we’ve only dreamed.
And the past, it will decay,
so sing goodbye to yesterday
and I believe."

There is nothing quite like the feeling of loosing your mind!

Hooray!

=D

Quote of the Day:

"As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others -- and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer."
— Brennan Manning

Ack...essay writing...ack.

Argh.

Blurgh.

Blergh.

Blearghurgherghs.

Yes...try saying that last one five times fast.

I just...
The wonder and helplessness I feel at times...what hope prevails and drives this heart to force my way through the surreal landscape surrounding me?

I'm not sure...how and why but people speak of Hell with authority.
The grandeur of Heaven is reduced to mere humanistic terms...the physical and what we get out of it...not what truth may be...truth beyond our understanding and desire.

So many of the issues revolve around...

The words I wish to utilize silence themselves because of the narcissism involved with it.

Features...floundering and Hell...this and that...this and that...
Why do I bother to care?
What is it I am fighting for?

At the smallest...slightest...things divide and pain...
Jesus, why?
I don't want to carry this burden...but has it ever been my choice?
What is relevant in decision when it feels like all I can do...is...is...

It is clear I haven't dealt with things ending with this semester...seeing an empty ice cream box was enough to almost make me want to cry.

I had something profound...but it's gone...now it's just a mixture of exhaustion and not knowing where exactly to look right now...but everything is...is...and will be.

Chicago...doesn't feel all that far away right now...

More than ever I am getting the distinct impression this university isn't all that concerned about my well being...

>_< Ack Athletes.

Hope.
Burning so bright.
Hope.
Christ Jesus, You have carried me so far.
From here until eternity
may this life be Yours.

Yeah...I am a lamewad...

Moving apathy!
Hooray!

I think may be looking forward to having class just so I can get back to sleeping on a normal schedule again...it has been such an insanely busy couple of weeks of spending time with friends...saying goodbye...driving miles all over the place...such bitter sweet moments...

Hope remains that this is only a new beginning.
I still do not understand the how or the why...
I have to keep asking until I die...but there is hope,
that there are no true endings.

"Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you'll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes"

It feels like a slap in the face but I think God has been revealing to me just how shallow I am in all my relationships...how I am so mercenary, self-serving and self-seeking...

I still view people as a means to my own end...not as being beautiful, unique and wonderful creations of Father...I am so bitter and angry when plans don't go my way...why and when did I stop seeing the twists and turns of life being so breath taking beautiful?

I want a sense of wonder again...I want to see the unexpected as good...I want to see people as You do, I want to feel for them...love them like You do...

I want to no longer be so shallow but be deep...

Quote of the Day:

"Far away from all the lights and noise we felt You there/It's my favorite memory/You're so beautiful to me/Thanks for the songs/these seven friends and eight good years/It is You that made them sweet/You're so beautiful to me."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "It Was Beautiful"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klt3BlDC1lM

Hmm...hope.

Yes...that is the name of that alien feeling in my heart...that regardless of how the dice fall that everything will be okay at the end of the day...

Missed Phone Call

Waiting
hoping
praying.

Everything is falling as it might,
connecting in the ways it only can.

Flittering
glittering
intoxicating,

Just everything you ever were
becoming everything you aren't.

Believing you are
even when you only see
the stark contrast
of a negative image
being posted up on some screen.

Everything just is,
nothing more
and
nothing less.

Be as the state of being,
hope as you may
and never let
the ground catch up to you just yet.

Quote of the Day:

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."
-Gloria Naylor

I hate being in the mindset where I have to keep myself insanely busy or...I start to get lost in thoughts...feelings...emotions...recollections as it were.

I think that is what I have succeeded in doing to some degree or so the past few weeks...being so involved with friends I forgot the end is coming...I put it off and out of mind.

But now...the gripping silence of this proverbial sanitarium is a place I cannot stand much longer. To tarry here would be to court disaster and her sister insanity, the silence is its own brand of oppression...and yet...memories continue and sustain themselves.

I've been doing a lot of thinking...and keeping myself busy...thankfully I haven't gotten as lost as I am prone to being...however...this is the however which matters...the choice is coming and I have already made the decision.

The problem is understanding why I decided this way.

...can't I at least get a cookie while I mull this over?

Eh just...whatever...

You know...the fact I can't win at life...much less a fictional life in a game with utterly no consequence or worth is nothing short of damn irritating.

It's irritating to loose power...bargh...lousy Internet...

I hate feeling like everything I do to help only seems to make the problems worse and cause people more pain...

It's the kind of thing that makes one wonder if they are cursed or something.

It looks like Matt Pike will find himself on another night of no sleep and full of shenanigans...

I'm a silly loon!

*sigh*

You know...I really shouldn't ask for someone's input...their thoughts about...if I really am not ready to hear the worst.

It's silly...it is stupid to put so much stock in people.
It is silly, it is stupid to just believe and hope like that.
Faith is everything
and the sound of a heart breaking,
with the paint flowing
maybe just bleeding across your TV screen.

And really...yes it is hyperbole,
it is emotions revealing
it's heart
and it's disgusting
just a bit revolting
as we all hear what we want to be.

You're everything
just like I am nothing
baptized in the blood
of our self righteous murders,
killing the hope.

I hope my heresy doesn't hurt
or cause more to bleed.
We all are liars,
adulterers,
and murderers.
The absolute scum of the world
and yet...

Faith dictates Christ's love
in such incomprehensible means.
Mystic as it is knowledgeable.
Unreasonable wrapped in a vision
of blessed hope...

Maybe just maybe
you might believe
I might be of worth
with me just being me.

Quote of the Day:

“Christendom has done away with Christianity, without being quite aware of it. The consequence is that, if anything is to be done, one must try again to introduce Christianity into Christendom.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Platitude Place-Cards

I'm much too tired for this.
I am too weak...too weary for carrying this cross...

This burden is my ego, my self and my pride...it crushes me as I try to stay afloat.

Little Lamb, what did I do with the light yoke you offered me in exchange?
Did I really cast it aside for this traveling circus from Hell?

I'm crushed.
Everything is fleeting...falling...

The beaten, torn and blackened heart under my chest is pulling me to sin, getting me to drink this bitterness as everything burns around me.

I'm tired.
So weak.
So weary.

Jesus Christ I need You, not a feeling or a cliche.
But the Lover who takes pack such an unfaithful whore.
A Father who takes back His bastard son.

Such infinite worth and I treat it like a plaything.
Beauty, such beauty that is a horror to feel.
Dread hope.
That I am never alone.

Teach me to be faithful.
Rip everything else away.
Put me in my place.
Rip this pride from me.
I can do nothing.

Humble me.
I'm sorry for being such an ignorant, arrogant and apathetic child...

How can You have love for such as I?
Oh Lamb...Son of God...remember me...please pull me out of this maze...this muck.
Do not tarry...but rush to my side...

Lift me from the misery I lusted after and wanted to find...I need You...oh so desperately.

"Jesus is For Losers" - Steve Taylor

Parsing Out Life

Bitter apathy plays across your lips
while these angels cry red tears,
hoping you find relief apart from bitterness.

I can hold the mirror
but you have to look,
pain and fear
aren't the best vestments to wear
when you are handing out blessings.

Smile in the pain
while the night if falling
and we know the end is coming.
Even if Hell comes,
Heaven can be in the smallest spaces
if you just look.

No matter how wonderful or beautiful the future promises to be...change is terrifying. I would almost rather remain in utter misery, just right here, than face change of any sort...

But...maybe...just this once...

Man.
I'm a sinner...I'm dirty and worthless to God as I am.

But...it's grace that saves and redeems...I hope I don't sink too far before I give up and quit...so I might begin to live...

Quote of the Day:

"You knew one thing about a man who was carrying a cross out of the city... you knew he wasn't coming back."
-A.W. Tozer

I need inspiration oh I need it for writing right now...

Why does it seem like every time I try to go to church I get ridiculously sick?
I'm tired of migraines and being nauseated.
Was there really a point in my life where I wasn't nauseated every day?
Where almost every bit of food I ate made me feel like death?

Is this punishment?
For being so judgmental and not showing love?
Is this the price I have to pay for hurting people and pushing them from the cross?
If so...I am worthy of so much worse than this.


The future is wide open an that scares me...the possibilities make me feel the shame because I feel like it's doing nothing but revealing how shallow my faith is...


It seems like every time I feel I have something figured out...doubt, fear, pain all just creep up. My heart bleeds with this regret...and I just want...to be faithful.

That's all I ask.
All I want anymore.
With my living and dying breath I just want to be faith to You.
Nothing else matters.
Everything is fleeting.
Rip me from this comfort.
Love me, faithless wretch that I am.


"Just as you are
Just a wretch like me
Jesus is for losers
Grace from the blood of a tree

Just as we are
At a total loss
Jesus is for losers
Broken at the foot of the cross

Just as I am
Pass the compass, please
Jesus is for losers
I'm off about a hundred degrees

Just as I am
In a desert crawl
Lord, I'm so thirsty
Take me to the waterfall"

Ouch.
Migraine.
Soul disturbance too.
Hmm...

Things are so strange and wonderful...so strange...so surreal and beyond my comprehension.

Even the silence has its own silver lining to a degree...

I'm tired and full of my normal aches but there is a peace that I pray is from the Father and not just my own delusions.

Peace, hope and love...oh please more of all...please.

I had a bizarre dream where I was given a list of people to pray for by Rich Mullins. Most of the people on the list I have never met before...but I have been praying for them.

I have no idea what is going on in my tired and sick mind/soul/heart right now...

Wow my body hurts...but my soul...I think I feel something...maybe it is the peace of letting go?

I am considering lodging a Jobian complaint to God over my health problems as of late...but the last thing I want is an irritated Lord showing up on my doorstep making an account of where I was when He was speaking creation into being.