“Ceremony leads her bigots forth, prepared to fight for shadows of no worth. While truths, on which eternal things depend, can hardly find a single friend.”
-William Cowper
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I am feeling a serious amount of vindictive rage towards those "Christians" who seek to make those with a past feel inferior...as though they are somehow NOT human.
God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...
God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...
Quote of the Day:
“It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons...(as)...things.”
-Lawrence G. Lovasik
-Lawrence G. Lovasik
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Zero
Broken and decrepit
this machine is falling apart.
This lack of control
just dictating
and ripping sanity to pieces
as the music plays
moving the crowd.
A sea of glass
moving in twilight
showing the shallowness
of my soul
as the waves pull back
exposing the lies
laying beneath the skins
festering in the heart.
Shallow pools form here and there
painting a structure
of a heart
just speaking out silently
hoping you will look on.
Bidding you goodnight
and farewell
on your journey
as you walk along the beach
feeling crushed seashells
moving underfoot
as the distance
just pulls you onward.
this machine is falling apart.
This lack of control
just dictating
and ripping sanity to pieces
as the music plays
moving the crowd.
A sea of glass
moving in twilight
showing the shallowness
of my soul
as the waves pull back
exposing the lies
laying beneath the skins
festering in the heart.
Shallow pools form here and there
painting a structure
of a heart
just speaking out silently
hoping you will look on.
Bidding you goodnight
and farewell
on your journey
as you walk along the beach
feeling crushed seashells
moving underfoot
as the distance
just pulls you onward.
I'm not sure I can ever be paid enough to deal with the levels of drama that come from being around certain people...escaping that with my sanity intact might be reason enough to flee north...
Class issue...sort of resolved...I guess.
I hate having to do that...but health and sanity are preferred to things falling apart like an excessively cheap house of cards just tumbling down...
Life is becoming like...a really shoddy dance.
Moving several steps in one direction just to be forced back because life doesn't know who the heck is supposed to be taking the lead...I'm considering just kicking her in the shin and making sure I don't get left behind back here anytime soon. I hate my lock breaking and getting trapped in my dorm room and missing classes and meals...
Yes.
That was possibly a case of mixed metaphors.
I haven't slept in over thirty hours...so sue me.
Class issue...sort of resolved...I guess.
I hate having to do that...but health and sanity are preferred to things falling apart like an excessively cheap house of cards just tumbling down...
Life is becoming like...a really shoddy dance.
Moving several steps in one direction just to be forced back because life doesn't know who the heck is supposed to be taking the lead...I'm considering just kicking her in the shin and making sure I don't get left behind back here anytime soon. I hate my lock breaking and getting trapped in my dorm room and missing classes and meals...
Yes.
That was possibly a case of mixed metaphors.
I haven't slept in over thirty hours...so sue me.
Quote of the Day:
“People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
-Chuck Palahniuk
-Chuck Palahniuk
Sunday, March 14, 2010
And...yeah.
Knew it was coming...still...
It can be difficult to wish the best when you sort of...
Continuing this line of thought is asinine.
It doesn't matter what I wish or feel...if it doesn't line up with reality.
Dreams are best kept to books.
Stories and other bullshit nonsense preserved for those silly enough to believe.
It's a pity I'm more than silly.
I'm just a fool in the rain.
Waiting on the wrong block.
Knew it was coming...still...
It can be difficult to wish the best when you sort of...
Continuing this line of thought is asinine.
It doesn't matter what I wish or feel...if it doesn't line up with reality.
Dreams are best kept to books.
Stories and other bullshit nonsense preserved for those silly enough to believe.
It's a pity I'm more than silly.
I'm just a fool in the rain.
Waiting on the wrong block.
At least in the realm of fiction...where fate is determined by the rolls of dice and the whims of a GM I can win.
Sometimes.
Since I'm keeping a somewhat up to the moment play by play of Codex's adventures in the Wasted Wests I might as well attempt to write up stories about him and the parties adventures. It would actually give me something to do with that freaking 'Tale Telling' skill.
I haven't really focused on trying to write fiction outside of NANOWRIMO and the RP that was associated with MXO.
Actually have a post apocalyptic Hell in which to throw my creative thoughts into has been draining but fun...most anything is possible and it is nice...very nice.
Sometimes.
Since I'm keeping a somewhat up to the moment play by play of Codex's adventures in the Wasted Wests I might as well attempt to write up stories about him and the parties adventures. It would actually give me something to do with that freaking 'Tale Telling' skill.
I haven't really focused on trying to write fiction outside of NANOWRIMO and the RP that was associated with MXO.
Actually have a post apocalyptic Hell in which to throw my creative thoughts into has been draining but fun...most anything is possible and it is nice...very nice.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
*sigh*
Yeah.
I really, really, REALLY just want to punch myself in the face right now.
I could go for one of those weird existential 'Fight Club' moments where I find out Brad Pitt is my alter ego and we fight each other to the death in a skyscraper.
That would make the most logical end to most of this.
Yeah.
I really, really, REALLY just want to punch myself in the face right now.
I could go for one of those weird existential 'Fight Club' moments where I find out Brad Pitt is my alter ego and we fight each other to the death in a skyscraper.
That would make the most logical end to most of this.
I wonder if I will ever have a vision...a large vision for the world again.
When I was a teenager I felt I could do more than I could ever see...that I could touch the world and see some real change.
I'm fighting to ward off bitterness and not feel just consumed with the negative.
Please...please...revive these dry bones.
Revive this soul.
Help me to love and not hate.
Please...please...don't leave me here.
Make me new, renew Your love again.
Teach me to speak and sing anew.
God I need compassion and love in my soul.
I am so dry, so needy...God I am so needy.
I want to go where the streets have no name.
Where religion isn't bound to culture and people are free to breath and to believe.
I want to feel Your heartbeat next to mine
and I just want to get lost here.
Today and tonight.
Whatever may be and be.
When I was a teenager I felt I could do more than I could ever see...that I could touch the world and see some real change.
I'm fighting to ward off bitterness and not feel just consumed with the negative.
Please...please...revive these dry bones.
Revive this soul.
Help me to love and not hate.
Please...please...don't leave me here.
Make me new, renew Your love again.
Teach me to speak and sing anew.
God I need compassion and love in my soul.
I am so dry, so needy...God I am so needy.
I want to go where the streets have no name.
Where religion isn't bound to culture and people are free to breath and to believe.
I want to feel Your heartbeat next to mine
and I just want to get lost here.
Today and tonight.
Whatever may be and be.
Quote of the day:
“Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.”
-Elie Wiesel
-Elie Wiesel
Friday, March 12, 2010
"Red light, grey morning
You stumble out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay up to watch the adverts
You could lip-synch to the talk shows
And if you look, you look through me
And when you talk it's not to me
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing
If I could stay, then the night would give you up
Stay, and the day would keep its trust
Stay, and the night would be enough
Faraway, so close up with the static and the radio
With satellite television you can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin
And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough
Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter as an angel runs to ground"
You stumble out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay up to watch the adverts
You could lip-synch to the talk shows
And if you look, you look through me
And when you talk it's not to me
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing
If I could stay, then the night would give you up
Stay, and the day would keep its trust
Stay, and the night would be enough
Faraway, so close up with the static and the radio
With satellite television you can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin
And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough
Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter as an angel runs to ground"
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Note to self:
Stop taking what people say at face value.
Assume they are lying.
It may be for their benefit or for yours but the surest thing is that they are lying.
Ack...people frustrate me endlessly.
Seriously...I just wish they would decide upon what they want and if it doesn't involve me they can just piss off.
I have enough problems without dealing with high school level drama.
If a friendship is a friendship...good...but I have no desire to be a road bump people can back up over just for when they need an ego boost or to feel good about themselves. I have too much self respect to keep getting treated like this.
I am a human being.
I have feelings.
I deserve better than this second rate crap.
Gee...that feels better to type it out.
I also deserve more Swedish Fish, Candy Corn and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans!
Wooo!
Assume they are lying.
It may be for their benefit or for yours but the surest thing is that they are lying.
Ack...people frustrate me endlessly.
Seriously...I just wish they would decide upon what they want and if it doesn't involve me they can just piss off.
I have enough problems without dealing with high school level drama.
If a friendship is a friendship...good...but I have no desire to be a road bump people can back up over just for when they need an ego boost or to feel good about themselves. I have too much self respect to keep getting treated like this.
I am a human being.
I have feelings.
I deserve better than this second rate crap.
Gee...that feels better to type it out.
I also deserve more Swedish Fish, Candy Corn and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans!
Wooo!
"far away in distant skies
i see starlight in your eyes
do you think of miracles
are they only dreams for fools
she's the one who haunts my dreams at night
underneath the bluest moon
she makes hearts skip beats in triplets
the brightest light in any room
she hits the mark
the kindled spark
but i'll just drag her down"
i see starlight in your eyes
do you think of miracles
are they only dreams for fools
she's the one who haunts my dreams at night
underneath the bluest moon
she makes hearts skip beats in triplets
the brightest light in any room
she hits the mark
the kindled spark
but i'll just drag her down"
Quote of the Day:
"None of us has ever seen a motive. Therefore, we don't know and we can't do anything more than suspect what inspires the action of another. For this good and valid reason, we're told not to judge. Tragedy is that our attention centers on what people are not, rather than on what they are and who they might become."
— Brennan Manning
— Brennan Manning
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Ack.
I feel like death.
But I can and will still smile.
The pain will not rob me of this joy...
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
I feel like death.
But I can and will still smile.
The pain will not rob me of this joy...
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
The Baffling Nature of Want
People do not know what they need, much less what they deepest desires mean.
We all have these...things...inside of us, telling us what to do, dictating our direction, trying to convince us of what is right...wrong...acceptable...repulsive...and so on and so forth.
Love.
Hate.
Desire.
Need.
Morals.
All of these things.
We impress our feelings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, understanding of actions onto other people and get horribly offended when they do not realize or catch onto what WE want.
We expect people to play to our standards.
Our wants.
Our demands.
It's natural and what we expect of life because we are constantly immersed in the illusion that the world centers around ourselves. It can be assumed that the sociopaths among us did not learn as they grew up from childhood that their perspective is not the only in the world.
It is a struggle to find that balance of realizing we are not alone.
Both in the mundane and divine sense.
It is ridiculous and surreal...we are human and created in such an odd sense.
But here we are...to deal with the awkwardness of being human...of breathing, living, dying and trying to figure our just who we are, what we are doing, where we are going...it's a large and confusing circle that tends to make very little sense.
Which is why we get so upset when people do not understand what we mean by God, love, truth, living, compassion and actual honest to goodness bothering to show respect towards other human beings.
We all have these...things...inside of us, telling us what to do, dictating our direction, trying to convince us of what is right...wrong...acceptable...repulsive...and so on and so forth.
Love.
Hate.
Desire.
Need.
Morals.
All of these things.
We impress our feelings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, understanding of actions onto other people and get horribly offended when they do not realize or catch onto what WE want.
We expect people to play to our standards.
Our wants.
Our demands.
It's natural and what we expect of life because we are constantly immersed in the illusion that the world centers around ourselves. It can be assumed that the sociopaths among us did not learn as they grew up from childhood that their perspective is not the only in the world.
It is a struggle to find that balance of realizing we are not alone.
Both in the mundane and divine sense.
It is ridiculous and surreal...we are human and created in such an odd sense.
But here we are...to deal with the awkwardness of being human...of breathing, living, dying and trying to figure our just who we are, what we are doing, where we are going...it's a large and confusing circle that tends to make very little sense.
Which is why we get so upset when people do not understand what we mean by God, love, truth, living, compassion and actual honest to goodness bothering to show respect towards other human beings.
Being Here
This broken tomb is fading
yeah, just rotting from the inside out
and here I am
just waiting,
waiting to feel You here.
Feel the breeze push back my hair
and feel the fire singe my clothes
as You pass by.
I want to see You
and feel You pass by.
Feel the world break
and this realm shake
as Your presence comes near.
I want to be like Elijah
and know You have come
by the gentle whisper on the breeze
that would say 'peace be still'
to calm the raging seas
that rip apart my heart
and I want to see
what it means
to be loved.
yeah, just rotting from the inside out
and here I am
just waiting,
waiting to feel You here.
Feel the breeze push back my hair
and feel the fire singe my clothes
as You pass by.
I want to see You
and feel You pass by.
Feel the world break
and this realm shake
as Your presence comes near.
I want to be like Elijah
and know You have come
by the gentle whisper on the breeze
that would say 'peace be still'
to calm the raging seas
that rip apart my heart
and I want to see
what it means
to be loved.
Insufficient Praise
Jesus...I'm not sure if it's the pain screaming through my body...or the bit of conversation I just had...but thank you.
You just...I think I finally got the point You have been trying to get me to understand for a while.
...am I always this hard headed and silly?
You made a strong point.
To react negatively would...nullify the point.
I am having trouble keeping myself from being violently ill...the migraine is excruciating...my spine is singing out in dissonance...my heart is baffled...but oh my soul?
Will You promise...it will rejoice this much...if not more so when our eyes meet for the first time? When we embrace? Oh Lover..my Love...my sweet, sweet Love...can You promise to intoxicate my soul like this with every moment of prayer, every embrace and every time we brush against each other?
I just need You...please...please let the inferior slip away...marriage makes sense...to be able to teach others to see You...with such passion and intimacy...that the love for each other points TOWARD this...I don't need that silly trapping.
Just please...let me fall down this rabbit hole even further...let me drink of this grace...let me feel it burn my insides as it fills me with warmth.
Teach me...love me...oh never let me remain the same...thank you for grace...for the cross...for so much love oh Lover...oh thank You.
You just...I think I finally got the point You have been trying to get me to understand for a while.
...am I always this hard headed and silly?
You made a strong point.
To react negatively would...nullify the point.
I am having trouble keeping myself from being violently ill...the migraine is excruciating...my spine is singing out in dissonance...my heart is baffled...but oh my soul?
Will You promise...it will rejoice this much...if not more so when our eyes meet for the first time? When we embrace? Oh Lover..my Love...my sweet, sweet Love...can You promise to intoxicate my soul like this with every moment of prayer, every embrace and every time we brush against each other?
I just need You...please...please let the inferior slip away...marriage makes sense...to be able to teach others to see You...with such passion and intimacy...that the love for each other points TOWARD this...I don't need that silly trapping.
Just please...let me fall down this rabbit hole even further...let me drink of this grace...let me feel it burn my insides as it fills me with warmth.
Teach me...love me...oh never let me remain the same...thank you for grace...for the cross...for so much love oh Lover...oh thank You.
Billowing Heights
I want to go walk in a field of dandelions
and feel the wind again,
just like it used to be.
The hill where I could stand
and feel the ages pass
and I could just be me.
and feel the wind again,
just like it used to be.
The hill where I could stand
and feel the ages pass
and I could just be me.
I don't even have words right now.
The fact is...I just hope I have helped instead of screwing things up like I tend to.
Taking advice from me is about as safe as poking a rabid pack of lions with a stick.
Bad, bad, bad.
I want to help...but I somehow doubt my own sincerity...
At least I can't screw up praying.
Hopefully.
=/
The fact is...I just hope I have helped instead of screwing things up like I tend to.
Taking advice from me is about as safe as poking a rabid pack of lions with a stick.
Bad, bad, bad.
I want to help...but I somehow doubt my own sincerity...
At least I can't screw up praying.
Hopefully.
=/
Quote of the Day:
"Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it."
-Blaise Pascal
-Blaise Pascal
Monday, March 8, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"There are two types of men in this world- one is looking for a woman to make his life complete and the other is looking for a woman to join his complete life."
-Donald Miller
-Donald Miller
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Endlessly Rotating Circles (Poem)
I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel.
I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.
I need the profound almost as much as the sacred.
Resolutions resoluting as themselves.
As the profane holds hands with the sacred
and hope blossoms in the gutter,
the blood of saints acting as water.
Time is correcting itself
as it is falling at a minor speed,
leaking across the general mish-mash
passing through
to your mind.
I'm hoping...just hoping
as the music strikes its chord
and the grace
is just making life that much more crowded
that maybe
just maybe
everything may...
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.
I need the profound almost as much as the sacred.
Resolutions resoluting as themselves.
As the profane holds hands with the sacred
and hope blossoms in the gutter,
the blood of saints acting as water.
Time is correcting itself
as it is falling at a minor speed,
leaking across the general mish-mash
passing through
to your mind.
I'm hoping...just hoping
as the music strikes its chord
and the grace
is just making life that much more crowded
that maybe
just maybe
everything may...
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
Life is so utterly ridiculous that I have to just smile right now.
To spite you.
Yes you.
I mean you.
The one next to the other you.
The less ambiguous you...one...person...I mean.
Geez.
Maybe I should just give up and start using more proper nouns.
Heh.
Who am I kidding?
Certainly not myself.
I am not sure that has ever happend.
Of course it has but I like to pretend it hasn't.
To spite you.
Yes you.
I mean you.
The one next to the other you.
The less ambiguous you...one...person...I mean.
Geez.
Maybe I should just give up and start using more proper nouns.
Heh.
Who am I kidding?
Certainly not myself.
I am not sure that has ever happend.
Of course it has but I like to pretend it hasn't.
Endlessly Rotating Circles
I'm sitting here on the eve of another flight, another day of travel and I should be sleeping but my brain will not shut off.
I feel this need to write something so utterly profound it will cause people to throw millions of dollars at my feet and have women jumping into my arms and also so people will stroke my ego and remind me of how awesome I am...and...and...and...
Okay...I think if I would have to keep writing along that line of thought I would have to punch myself in the throat.
I have a lot on my mind, so much superfluous, so much anxiety, so much stress...for a variety of reasons and things. I'm terrified of what is to come...why is this so? Why do I feel such near crippling anxiety when I think about change...about the future...?
I latch onto things, onto people...in such an unhealthy and STUPID manner that I just wish someone would come up to me and slap the hell out of me. Maybe that would wake me up from my stupid childish dreams and I would start to realize how screwed up life is...and that no one cares enough to have to deal with my little child like tendencies for screwing things up.
I have emotions, I have feelings, I have wants, I have a desire to be held, I want to feel security, I want my heart to stop racing, I want to stop feeling needs, I want my sexuality to disappear and for me to become utterly bland...I want to drop out of all my classes and just start running down the road and maybe I'll find somewhere I can hide from everything and everyone...especially myself.
I'm running from the demons that ate my father and my brother.
Sexuality, drugs, alcohol, addiction, self hatred, depression, fear, dear, self loathing...God, do I even need to go on?
Do you see me?
Do you see this?
What have I become?
What am I becoming?
I'm tearing through this page as though it would somehow save my life...as if SOMEHOW this matters...when it doesn't.
You were supposed to make me happy.
Carry my cross, my shame and my petty little health problems and my want to be god of this age.
Can't you stop so I can fill your ear with moaning problems about girls and how I never got my shot at being a rock star?
Don't you want me to pile on my useless crown of shit that I have been wearing while sitting on this liar's chair?
I hate feeling like an animal.
I hate these impulses.
I hate feeling out of control.
I do not want to feel attraction, I do not want to have emotions...I would rather be dead on the inside then to feel these utterly useless desire to be near people who have no concern or want for me...it's being human...but I am sick of being human...I'm sick of who I am...because it's not enough for others...it's enough for you...for You...for me...for anyone...
It's just me being me being me being me.
I'm not even that upset right now...it's just this...these...are the nicest thoughts running through my mind right now.
If any of you had the gall to actually look through my prayer journal or my letters notebook...you would start to see how dark the night is...and how much of an acting fraud I am.
All of this is paper waiting to be burned...no other purpose to be served except fire...it's a chain of binary code burning into the light, asking for life because it what it is and nothing more and nothing less because it is code...words, symbols...numbers at the barest sense asking to be used to represent abstract thought which in the end, in the end ends up being nothing more than circular thought leading to more pain.
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
I feel this need to write something so utterly profound it will cause people to throw millions of dollars at my feet and have women jumping into my arms and also so people will stroke my ego and remind me of how awesome I am...and...and...and...
Okay...I think if I would have to keep writing along that line of thought I would have to punch myself in the throat.
I have a lot on my mind, so much superfluous, so much anxiety, so much stress...for a variety of reasons and things. I'm terrified of what is to come...why is this so? Why do I feel such near crippling anxiety when I think about change...about the future...?
I latch onto things, onto people...in such an unhealthy and STUPID manner that I just wish someone would come up to me and slap the hell out of me. Maybe that would wake me up from my stupid childish dreams and I would start to realize how screwed up life is...and that no one cares enough to have to deal with my little child like tendencies for screwing things up.
I have emotions, I have feelings, I have wants, I have a desire to be held, I want to feel security, I want my heart to stop racing, I want to stop feeling needs, I want my sexuality to disappear and for me to become utterly bland...I want to drop out of all my classes and just start running down the road and maybe I'll find somewhere I can hide from everything and everyone...especially myself.
I'm running from the demons that ate my father and my brother.
Sexuality, drugs, alcohol, addiction, self hatred, depression, fear, dear, self loathing...God, do I even need to go on?
Do you see me?
Do you see this?
What have I become?
What am I becoming?
I'm tearing through this page as though it would somehow save my life...as if SOMEHOW this matters...when it doesn't.
You were supposed to make me happy.
Carry my cross, my shame and my petty little health problems and my want to be god of this age.
Can't you stop so I can fill your ear with moaning problems about girls and how I never got my shot at being a rock star?
Don't you want me to pile on my useless crown of shit that I have been wearing while sitting on this liar's chair?
I hate feeling like an animal.
I hate these impulses.
I hate feeling out of control.
I do not want to feel attraction, I do not want to have emotions...I would rather be dead on the inside then to feel these utterly useless desire to be near people who have no concern or want for me...it's being human...but I am sick of being human...I'm sick of who I am...because it's not enough for others...it's enough for you...for You...for me...for anyone...
It's just me being me being me being me.
I'm not even that upset right now...it's just this...these...are the nicest thoughts running through my mind right now.
If any of you had the gall to actually look through my prayer journal or my letters notebook...you would start to see how dark the night is...and how much of an acting fraud I am.
All of this is paper waiting to be burned...no other purpose to be served except fire...it's a chain of binary code burning into the light, asking for life because it what it is and nothing more and nothing less because it is code...words, symbols...numbers at the barest sense asking to be used to represent abstract thought which in the end, in the end ends up being nothing more than circular thought leading to more pain.
This all feels tainted.
I'm waiting...waiting here...
Praying...hoping again...
There the night falls...
I hear the babbles of alien tongues
and the cries of the lost,
those who don't know
or want to understand
Your Love.
I thought I understood love.
I know nothing.
I am dust,
blowing in circles
and falling into the crevices of life.
I wish I could find peace here
but the air lifts me
and bids me come
as I fall here and there
just hoping
and praying
for an ounce of relief.
For Life to break character
and cast off the charade
so it can be said
and maybe even meant,
good night
and fare well,
sleep tight
and hope
just hope for the best.
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