One day I will stop sticking my foot in my mouth.
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Two Things I'm Giving Up:
1.Food - Every time I have eaten this week I've gotten sicker.
2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.
2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
Stone Heart, Broken and Bleeding
Compromise I shan't,
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.
Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.
It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.
You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.
I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.
Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.
It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.
You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.
I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
"Our selfishness consumes us
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"
Note for the Noveling Battle Friend
20k...I hope you know I'm proud of you for making a comeback.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.
There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.
Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.
There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.
Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.
Observation of the day:
Including Samuel L. Jackson in any film automatically makes the film utterly ridiculous, epic mind you, but utterly ridiculous all the same.
In the movie based of my life I want him to play the role of my big brother.
In the movie based of my life I want him to play the role of my big brother.
Quote of the Day
“The really unhappy person is the one who leaves undone what they can do, and starts doing what they don't understand; no wonder they come to grief.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Beloved, Dissonance is our Calling Card
You spoke and I listen.
You cried and I walked away.
With every gesture
every back and forth move
we share in this dance
I can't help but fall down.
I never can speak what I mean
or ever mean what I say
because sharing love
is like watching my sun
fall down early every day
and feeling what it means,
just exactly what it means to die again.
I can sit here and watch the sunset
longing to hear from You
but all I can do is wait
and try to listen.
I can lay here in pain
longing to feel You again
but all in all
every day is empty
as I search these wastes
longing for my Love.
Red light falling harsh
painting hues with blood
and the regret in my soul.
I never knew to love was pain
but Divine Love is crushing
as much as it is intoxicating
and the substance I'm drunk off of
while I wait,
longing just to hear
and feel You again.
You cried and I walked away.
With every gesture
every back and forth move
we share in this dance
I can't help but fall down.
I never can speak what I mean
or ever mean what I say
because sharing love
is like watching my sun
fall down early every day
and feeling what it means,
just exactly what it means to die again.
I can sit here and watch the sunset
longing to hear from You
but all I can do is wait
and try to listen.
I can lay here in pain
longing to feel You again
but all in all
every day is empty
as I search these wastes
longing for my Love.
Red light falling harsh
painting hues with blood
and the regret in my soul.
I never knew to love was pain
but Divine Love is crushing
as much as it is intoxicating
and the substance I'm drunk off of
while I wait,
longing just to hear
and feel You again.
Religious Acrobatics
In so many ways ministerial work reminds me of The Wizard of Oz.
There are flashy lights, tacky looking sunglasses, big projection screens and small guys hiding behind screens throwing levers.
For some people there is this fear of what may be out there...so we all need to wear glasses so we're not blinded by the brilliant glimmer of green light in our own personal Emerald Cities. It's really easy to see what you want to when the glasses you have on just show a person the only color they don't find offensive.
Someway and somehow ministers are supposed to be perfect beings, walking straight lines, always doing the right thing, can solve any problem and are willing to throw their families and personal relationship to God in the fire just for their flocks.
If Christianity in the Americas isn't going to fold like a bad card table it has become there needs to be some sort of reexamination of what the priorities are and what we expect from those who draw the short stick and get shoved to the front of the line to act as leaders.
The more I think about this the less any of it make sense.
Jesus tore down man built religious tradition.
As soon as Christianity became legal in the Roman Empire tradition sprang up.
A lot of Christian thought was mixed with the celebration of pagan holidays to attract people to 'our side'.
Somehow following a group of people is to be preferred to that of individual faith?
How is this group think, herd mentality supposed to work with Jesus?
I just want to help people.
I want to tell people Jesus loves them.
But for some reason I feel bound by church buildings and tradition.
It's as if I am not going to do anything until I get the approval of my peers and a fat bonus to go along with all my hard work.
America is supposed to be the land of the self sufficient but the whole idea of being independent is a just a farce to cover up our need to follow the leader more closely than any other country.
There is no need for me to wait to find a church or a religious institute but my heart is so afraid of being right.
I'm afraid of Jesus loving me.
I'm afraid of helping people by telling them that Jesus loves them.
I'm afraid of sacrificing my pride, my selfish desire and my plans by surrendering and letting Him control me.
I say how much I hate church games but mentally speaking I'm still playing one.
The only difference is I'm sitting outside the building while trying to figure out where everyone went.
Ultimately if I can do some good, if I can help someone, if I can sacrifice myself and my comfort and in someway...Jesus can use my egomania to give someone hope...that is worth any price.
I'm so tired of me...me...everything revolving around this...
There are flashy lights, tacky looking sunglasses, big projection screens and small guys hiding behind screens throwing levers.
For some people there is this fear of what may be out there...so we all need to wear glasses so we're not blinded by the brilliant glimmer of green light in our own personal Emerald Cities. It's really easy to see what you want to when the glasses you have on just show a person the only color they don't find offensive.
Someway and somehow ministers are supposed to be perfect beings, walking straight lines, always doing the right thing, can solve any problem and are willing to throw their families and personal relationship to God in the fire just for their flocks.
If Christianity in the Americas isn't going to fold like a bad card table it has become there needs to be some sort of reexamination of what the priorities are and what we expect from those who draw the short stick and get shoved to the front of the line to act as leaders.
The more I think about this the less any of it make sense.
Jesus tore down man built religious tradition.
As soon as Christianity became legal in the Roman Empire tradition sprang up.
A lot of Christian thought was mixed with the celebration of pagan holidays to attract people to 'our side'.
Somehow following a group of people is to be preferred to that of individual faith?
How is this group think, herd mentality supposed to work with Jesus?
I just want to help people.
I want to tell people Jesus loves them.
But for some reason I feel bound by church buildings and tradition.
It's as if I am not going to do anything until I get the approval of my peers and a fat bonus to go along with all my hard work.
America is supposed to be the land of the self sufficient but the whole idea of being independent is a just a farce to cover up our need to follow the leader more closely than any other country.
There is no need for me to wait to find a church or a religious institute but my heart is so afraid of being right.
I'm afraid of Jesus loving me.
I'm afraid of helping people by telling them that Jesus loves them.
I'm afraid of sacrificing my pride, my selfish desire and my plans by surrendering and letting Him control me.
I say how much I hate church games but mentally speaking I'm still playing one.
The only difference is I'm sitting outside the building while trying to figure out where everyone went.
Ultimately if I can do some good, if I can help someone, if I can sacrifice myself and my comfort and in someway...Jesus can use my egomania to give someone hope...that is worth any price.
I'm so tired of me...me...everything revolving around this...
"You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"
Finding Soul in this Ache
Baffling, babbling and more
as we go along
with what we've always known.
Dissenting, disconcerting
and fear,
fear of what it would be like
to travel beside you
and know what's in your mind.
Just another bit of fear
about learning who I am
and where none of us stand in this place.
Reciprocating as I feel,
just feel the arms of the Divine
as I lay here
wanting to escape
from these chains
this prison
but mostly
run far away from me.
Trepidation,
just fear of what I've become
with every moment
and every breath I take
while separated from You.
I can't breath while in pain
and all I can do
is hope
about hoping
while trying to fall
just endlessly into Love
and find grace,
purely refined grace
and this sacred
and holy place
where we can be one
and unified
and lost in the beauty
as I struggle to see
and fight of this blindness.
Let me feel
Let me see
Let me heal
and just let me be
while I stumble down this path
and not know my left from my right
and let me find only You.
as we go along
with what we've always known.
Dissenting, disconcerting
and fear,
fear of what it would be like
to travel beside you
and know what's in your mind.
Just another bit of fear
about learning who I am
and where none of us stand in this place.
Reciprocating as I feel,
just feel the arms of the Divine
as I lay here
wanting to escape
from these chains
this prison
but mostly
run far away from me.
Trepidation,
just fear of what I've become
with every moment
and every breath I take
while separated from You.
I can't breath while in pain
and all I can do
is hope
about hoping
while trying to fall
just endlessly into Love
and find grace,
purely refined grace
and this sacred
and holy place
where we can be one
and unified
and lost in the beauty
as I struggle to see
and fight of this blindness.
Let me feel
Let me see
Let me heal
and just let me be
while I stumble down this path
and not know my left from my right
and let me find only You.
Monday, November 16, 2009
"You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"
My Own Price
Apathy kill my heart,
indulge me as I indulge you.
Just take me and make me
everything I'm not
and everything I can't be
just so I can feel the feelings
of cutting inside
and having my heart bleed.
Make me live so strong
that the flame expands
filling every crevice
as the time passes
within and the ebb catches
and carries us all.
indulge me as I indulge you.
Just take me and make me
everything I'm not
and everything I can't be
just so I can feel the feelings
of cutting inside
and having my heart bleed.
Make me live so strong
that the flame expands
filling every crevice
as the time passes
within and the ebb catches
and carries us all.
White Washed Soul
Why are you here tonight?
Go.
Go far, far away,
Back to the nether from which you were spawned.
Neither hope or longing
you are merely despair wrapped in clothing
and never a hope's own dawning.
Flee.
Walk or limp while you still can
while my cares are meaningless
just like these contrived verses
as I hope to spell out
what only poetry every can.
Aching and longing
mixed with hope
but not for this
or anything in your realm
or the orbit of your persona
just a mild case of bliss
and of laying here moaning
longing for the day this pain
and every split nerve ends
along with this monotonous
dialogue
of conversing
with this blank wall.
Go.
Go far, far away,
Back to the nether from which you were spawned.
Neither hope or longing
you are merely despair wrapped in clothing
and never a hope's own dawning.
Flee.
Walk or limp while you still can
while my cares are meaningless
just like these contrived verses
as I hope to spell out
what only poetry every can.
Aching and longing
mixed with hope
but not for this
or anything in your realm
or the orbit of your persona
just a mild case of bliss
and of laying here moaning
longing for the day this pain
and every split nerve ends
along with this monotonous
dialogue
of conversing
with this blank wall.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Observation of the Day:
When someone reaches the point of eating a piece of cake spitefully it is safe to admit that something might possibly be wrong.
Quote of the Day:
“We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Flowing Red, Painted Pictographs
My soul lays open
dissected and flayed
on display as a cheap gimmick,
just like the cheap grace
I throw back
and act as though is was mine
in this first and primary place.
Every beat of this degenerate heart
is a beat so much closer
to be captured in Your hand
and the act of a final divorce
from this land of waking death.
Vagrant and degenerate
this heart wonders as it wanders
and I'm brought back to silence,
at the ineptitude of man and machine
as I try to find where I belong.
I just want this beat to end
and this song to finish
so I can wake to find
this eternal end to eternal grays
and the everlasting sunlight painted
in such a way only You can.
dissected and flayed
on display as a cheap gimmick,
just like the cheap grace
I throw back
and act as though is was mine
in this first and primary place.
Every beat of this degenerate heart
is a beat so much closer
to be captured in Your hand
and the act of a final divorce
from this land of waking death.
Vagrant and degenerate
this heart wonders as it wanders
and I'm brought back to silence,
at the ineptitude of man and machine
as I try to find where I belong.
I just want this beat to end
and this song to finish
so I can wake to find
this eternal end to eternal grays
and the everlasting sunlight painted
in such a way only You can.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
After last night...I have some serious doubts about people lodged in my head now...I don't want to be rude...and I hope this doesn't hurt or offend...I just...
I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.
My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.
And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...
It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.
I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...
I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.
My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.
And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...
It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.
I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...
Half Way
This novel in a month idea grows more insane every time I do it.
I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.
So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.
Wow.
Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.
I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.
My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.
Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.
The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.
I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.
I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.
The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.
"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17
"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.
So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.
Wow.
Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.
I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.
My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.
Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.
The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.
I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.
I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.
The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.
"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17
"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
Beatitude of Broken Faith
Faithless.
Faithless.
Faithless.
We all fall down.
Symmetrical in our betrayals
and lack of faith
in our sincerest tones.
Crucifying is easy
when you cast thought aside
and think you know truth
and can slam the nails in
at the perfect rate
because after all,
eternity is just a moments wait, right?
Faithless.
Faithless.
We all fall down.
Symmetrical in our betrayals
and lack of faith
in our sincerest tones.
Crucifying is easy
when you cast thought aside
and think you know truth
and can slam the nails in
at the perfect rate
because after all,
eternity is just a moments wait, right?
Bleeding Heart, Bleeding soul.
Lies, I want to scream.
Poison, I want to cut out.
Every thought racing through this mind,
every moment of existing beside you
is making me loose
every part of me
that I ever held onto
and every second burns my soul
as I wait in silence
to hear another denial
and pleasantly formed no.
I would have rather,
I would have rather
just had my heart
ripped out.
I would have rather
just had my soul
had this soul
nullified.
I would,
I would have rather
just had every last part of me
just washed away in these flames
then ever spend another wasted second
just pouring myself into useless cycles
of repetitious pain.
Bleeding myself into sin
just for what feels like your delight
as I spin myself into another lie
and twist and turn in a panic
because I realize
I realize and I know
how lost I am.
I got lost in believing you
and trusting in something never true.
The worse thing I can ever know
is how ultimately
it's all my fault,
everything false
and everything truly true,
it all my fault.
I'm a narcissist
so don't worry,
I'll take the blame
and baptize myself in guilt
and a bit more loathing
as I hold the door
and bid thee to walk quick
as I hold back spite
and take a deep draft
of how utterly useless
all in all this all is.
Rejoice, the day is coming.
Love beyond love
and this cynical heart of mine
will melt in the Light
and this,
even this forsaking bastard child,
this faithless Son of Adam
will be found and held.
At any point I could walk out into eternity
and find contentment.
But I hold myself back and embrace the pain
because it is my identity.
Do you see?
Do you feel?
Good night,
good bye
farewell
and
farewell.
Poison, I want to cut out.
Every thought racing through this mind,
every moment of existing beside you
is making me loose
every part of me
that I ever held onto
and every second burns my soul
as I wait in silence
to hear another denial
and pleasantly formed no.
I would have rather,
I would have rather
just had my heart
ripped out.
I would have rather
just had my soul
had this soul
nullified.
I would,
I would have rather
just had every last part of me
just washed away in these flames
then ever spend another wasted second
just pouring myself into useless cycles
of repetitious pain.
Bleeding myself into sin
just for what feels like your delight
as I spin myself into another lie
and twist and turn in a panic
because I realize
I realize and I know
how lost I am.
I got lost in believing you
and trusting in something never true.
The worse thing I can ever know
is how ultimately
it's all my fault,
everything false
and everything truly true,
it all my fault.
I'm a narcissist
so don't worry,
I'll take the blame
and baptize myself in guilt
and a bit more loathing
as I hold the door
and bid thee to walk quick
as I hold back spite
and take a deep draft
of how utterly useless
all in all this all is.
Rejoice, the day is coming.
Love beyond love
and this cynical heart of mine
will melt in the Light
and this,
even this forsaking bastard child,
this faithless Son of Adam
will be found and held.
At any point I could walk out into eternity
and find contentment.
But I hold myself back and embrace the pain
because it is my identity.
Do you see?
Do you feel?
Good night,
good bye
farewell
and
farewell.
Winding Self Destruct
The more I learn...
Jesus...just...why can't this charade end?
It's like everything...it is all lies...
My heart...God my head is exploding with pain...
What is the point?
I can't take this...
I didn't ask for this...
I never wanted this...
...just...I...
All I...all I wanted was...
...a simple
Just to be...
...and to feel..
I want...to know this and that...
Please end this pain.
Please end it tonight.
My Father, My Lover take me from this place of pain.
Deliver me before I crash.
Jesus...just...why can't this charade end?
It's like everything...it is all lies...
My heart...God my head is exploding with pain...
What is the point?
I can't take this...
I didn't ask for this...
I never wanted this...
...just...I...
All I...all I wanted was...
...a simple
Just to be...
...and to feel..
I want...to know this and that...
Please end this pain.
Please end it tonight.
My Father, My Lover take me from this place of pain.
Deliver me before I crash.
Quote of the Day:
"But how can the characters in a play guess the plot? We are not the playwright, we are not the producer, we are not even the audience. We are on the stage. To play well the scenes in which we are "on" concerns us much more than to guess about the scenes that follow it."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Burning Like a Plague...
God I am so sick to death of sexuality.
For once I would just like to browse the web, talk to friends, maybe even turn on the stupid TV and not have half naked images shoved down my throat. Believe it or not there are actually guys who do not enjoy seeing lingerie whenever they try to just check their email or watch a TV show.
I want this left up to the imagination.
I don't want this crap shoved down my throat.
Sexuality scares me.
I don't look at women and see their shapes and curves as something to grope and leer at...I see their souls as being something scared and beautiful...something to love and protect.
I don't want this tarnished crap in my mind...it is hard enough to live and try to keep lust out of my heart...I believe Jesus is serious in Matthew 5:27-30:
""You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.
"Let's not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here's what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile. And you have to chop off your right hand the moment you notice it raised threateningly. Better a bloody stump than your entire being discarded for good in the dump.""
I think Jesus is serious when he compares lust to adultery, if you can't control your mind it is the same as the actual act. Every sin starts in the heart...and it is not like I am trying to somehow be this self righteous jerk who doesn't lust or feel sexual desire or want...but I just want control of it.
I can't stand being around a lot of guys because of the 'guy talk' and acting as though women are just objects. That makes me so angry because it is like they cannot even have the basic respect for another human being.
Porn is so repulsive to me because it is just two bodies throwing themselves at each other just to 'entertain' and do nothing more than be empty and meaningless sex. What sort of sad life does it take for someone to actual go beyond looking at to DESIRING that?
I don't want it.
I want a pure heart.
I want to learn to love and have the darkness purged from my heart.
I want to maintain innocence in my mind and not have this oppressive darkness screaming about sex, sexuality or what I should do with my body.
It pisses me off so much that my sisters have to deal with this absolute crap that they are somehow not perfect because they are held up these pictures and videos. Who in the name of the depths of Hell would actually WANT a woman so shallow and needy that the only thing she can do is the same physical action over and over to cover up her empty heart and mind?
God...that sounds so judgmental and that is NOT how I mean for it to be.
It's not my place to judge another human's life or tell them that God doesn't love them or they are somehow insufficient.
I just see people throwing themselves at each other with no regard for the consequences...for the ripping of the soul...I don't want that. I want love, pure love...I either want it whole and pure as God designed it to be or I just want to be alone and by myself.
I do not and refuse this compromise of my soul just to please a person.
I want to be close to Jesus more than I ever want to make another person happy. There is no way I am ever going to get someone to understand this...I do not know how to explain how and why Jesus has had this effect on me...
It is the closest I have ever come to true encompassing head over heels and burning love that makes me sick to my stomach from how much passion I feel. My soul shiver, it longs...it aches...it NEEDS to be with my Love. I hate all these trite expressions in Christianity because it feels like they are cheapening it and trying to reduce my love into this paltry and pathetic bumper sticker...just like porn tries to turn women into these sex symbols.
Am I the only one who just gets sick in their stomach over this?
I want the sort of good tension that comes from balance in life...the tension of knowing that doing the right thing hurts like Hell but it is the right thing. I want that more than I could ever want a relationship of any sort...
Does that make sense?
Would it kill people to email me and tell me they feel that urgency?
That irreplaceable love that humans can't touch?
I just want...I need Jesus.
I hate this distance between Him and I.
He bridged the gap of eternity with the cross and His blood.
But what now?
What.
Now?
I want Love.
I want my Lover to carry me Home from this diseased world.
I will freely admit I'm a mercenary, a coward.
I would rather flee from this life then stay and suffer like my Christ.
If I am to be here...give me strength.
Help me withstand temptation.
Burn within me, burn away this weakness and inferior flesh.
Please?
Please?
There is nothing more I want.
Please.
For once I would just like to browse the web, talk to friends, maybe even turn on the stupid TV and not have half naked images shoved down my throat. Believe it or not there are actually guys who do not enjoy seeing lingerie whenever they try to just check their email or watch a TV show.
I want this left up to the imagination.
I don't want this crap shoved down my throat.
Sexuality scares me.
I don't look at women and see their shapes and curves as something to grope and leer at...I see their souls as being something scared and beautiful...something to love and protect.
I don't want this tarnished crap in my mind...it is hard enough to live and try to keep lust out of my heart...I believe Jesus is serious in Matthew 5:27-30:
""You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.
"Let's not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here's what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile. And you have to chop off your right hand the moment you notice it raised threateningly. Better a bloody stump than your entire being discarded for good in the dump.""
I think Jesus is serious when he compares lust to adultery, if you can't control your mind it is the same as the actual act. Every sin starts in the heart...and it is not like I am trying to somehow be this self righteous jerk who doesn't lust or feel sexual desire or want...but I just want control of it.
I can't stand being around a lot of guys because of the 'guy talk' and acting as though women are just objects. That makes me so angry because it is like they cannot even have the basic respect for another human being.
Porn is so repulsive to me because it is just two bodies throwing themselves at each other just to 'entertain' and do nothing more than be empty and meaningless sex. What sort of sad life does it take for someone to actual go beyond looking at to DESIRING that?
I don't want it.
I want a pure heart.
I want to learn to love and have the darkness purged from my heart.
I want to maintain innocence in my mind and not have this oppressive darkness screaming about sex, sexuality or what I should do with my body.
It pisses me off so much that my sisters have to deal with this absolute crap that they are somehow not perfect because they are held up these pictures and videos. Who in the name of the depths of Hell would actually WANT a woman so shallow and needy that the only thing she can do is the same physical action over and over to cover up her empty heart and mind?
God...that sounds so judgmental and that is NOT how I mean for it to be.
It's not my place to judge another human's life or tell them that God doesn't love them or they are somehow insufficient.
I just see people throwing themselves at each other with no regard for the consequences...for the ripping of the soul...I don't want that. I want love, pure love...I either want it whole and pure as God designed it to be or I just want to be alone and by myself.
I do not and refuse this compromise of my soul just to please a person.
I want to be close to Jesus more than I ever want to make another person happy. There is no way I am ever going to get someone to understand this...I do not know how to explain how and why Jesus has had this effect on me...
It is the closest I have ever come to true encompassing head over heels and burning love that makes me sick to my stomach from how much passion I feel. My soul shiver, it longs...it aches...it NEEDS to be with my Love. I hate all these trite expressions in Christianity because it feels like they are cheapening it and trying to reduce my love into this paltry and pathetic bumper sticker...just like porn tries to turn women into these sex symbols.
Am I the only one who just gets sick in their stomach over this?
I want the sort of good tension that comes from balance in life...the tension of knowing that doing the right thing hurts like Hell but it is the right thing. I want that more than I could ever want a relationship of any sort...
Does that make sense?
Would it kill people to email me and tell me they feel that urgency?
That irreplaceable love that humans can't touch?
I just want...I need Jesus.
I hate this distance between Him and I.
He bridged the gap of eternity with the cross and His blood.
But what now?
What.
Now?
I want Love.
I want my Lover to carry me Home from this diseased world.
I will freely admit I'm a mercenary, a coward.
I would rather flee from this life then stay and suffer like my Christ.
If I am to be here...give me strength.
Help me withstand temptation.
Burn within me, burn away this weakness and inferior flesh.
Please?
Please?
There is nothing more I want.
Please.
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