Woah...sleepy what evers...hmm...

Strange thought.

But I am tired beating my head on that door.

No sense trying to do something that never was really wanted.

Hmm...I also can't stand friends of convenience but that is enough confused and sleepy rants for the night.

Yay!

Quote of the Day - Part Three:

"Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further."
-Soren Kierkegaard

Expectation and hope are so very nice...but I think I need to go ahead and give them up and sell the extras I have kept in storage. The recession is hitting everyone hard so I'm sure I can find a buyer on ebay.

Cynicism, bitterness and self betrayal are so much easier to maintain because all one has to do is stagnate long enough and the world because the enemy.

Maybe that is the Church's problem. We're so good at sitting on our hands that we have nothing better to do than play games of who is more holy than whom.

Ultimately the problem is me, I'm not on the front lines in Africa or China doing mission work...so I don't have the right to point the finger. Heck, I won't even part with clothes or food to give to those who are freezing and starving to death.

Child of God I may be...but...I flaunt it too much for someone who doesn't realize what that means anymore.

"It's not if I believe in love
but if love believes in me."

Quote of the day Three:

"Bah, humanity."
-C.S. Lewis

If John Lennon was right in that "God is a Concept by which we measure our pain" then love itself is nothing more than this man invented self delusion by which we attempt to force order and structure into a senseless chaos that has no ultimate meaning or real purpose.

Love is is this tainted, useless, fetid, rotten and disgusting human invention that we use to justify waging wars, the ludicrous acts of procreation and reason enough to get out of bed in the morning.

Humanity is its own worst enemy because we do not allow systems of checks and balances unless they suit us and our needs, therefore negating the very purpose and reason thereof.

God, how I hate the arrogance of my own intellect.

May this rage, this outrage give birth to enough energy to help me punch a hole through this wall, so I can crawl through back into life.

"Undying" - Demon Hunter

Ever since the day that I was made I’ve been deciding the end
And I was made of wood and stone that won’t diminish or bend
So when the heavy hand of death is here to take me away
I’ll be the solid grip of time, forever holding my stay
Nobody ever made a force that took a beating like me
I call the earth and every scum to come and try to fight me
Cus when I made the choice to live beyond the dirt that we tread
I felt the curse of mortal limit fall before it was said

When this season ends…

One final heart-break
And blinding lights will guide our way
Free us our blind state
They will call us by our name
Undying

Tearing through these days I find the tolerance to strive and push on
I know what lies beyond this life for me is already won
No one can take away the blood that covers over my fall
Without the blood of perfect life I know I’m nothing at all
So now I reign forever hallowed in eternity’s hand
No man can shake me from the everlasting ground that I stand

When this season ends…

One final heart-break
And blinding lights will guide our way
Free us our blind state
They will call us by our name
Undying

We are the ones who will still remain when all is laid to waste
We are the ones who, when angels cry, will see them face to face
We are the ones

See my Sickness, See the Burns and Feel the Hope

I stayed this way
and just danced to this tune
because I thought
yeah I just thought it was you.
It wasn't until I realized
I made it about you,
just about you
how shallow this all ever way.

I speak about home
and hope about hope
all the time just dancing
in and outside of time
hoping for hope
and hoping to be,
just to be something I'm not.

I never played at being anything
unless it was a part
just being a part
of everything
and nothing
all wrapped into this nonsense
so I could distract
while I detract from my own soul
and not care as I die
all forgotten and alone
by the One Love
that carried this burden
that my crisis was
and seems to forever be.

At the end,
at our end
at every end
we just find we ended where we began,
hoping to find hope
and needing something more
beyond us
and at the end
it's not about us.
With shock and horror
we find that none are righteous
none were saints,
our absurd thoughts on morality
were nothing more than a play,
a bad play on words
while we pretend to know
that we know
when it is we know nothing
and act as thought everything
was ours for the taken.

If I cared more for truth
you never would have read this,
it would be in the rubbish pile
waiting for the flames.
This is an altar,
my desecration
waiting unashamed
in its horrid naked state,
waiting to be told
just how twisted
and broken it is.

If I cared for truth,
I would have burned this vile trash
and never looked back.
But desiring lust
my heart is forever entwined
in everything that isn't
instead of everything that is.

You are not me
and you never were.

You can see me
but you can't see
with these tainted eyes.
All we can all see
is our lack of hope
while waiting
and burning
and crying in here.

My soul's transgressions
are summed up in saying everything
and nothing
all at once
so I am thought wise,
but only Jesus sees me as I am.
Broken, needy, oh baby so needy,
and hopeless without His Love.

I'm not playing at playing
just seeing to be me
and nothing more
because I can't take this anymore.
I refuse to admit to the drugs,
the sex and bad rock
but you can take this poem
and cash it at the bank
and maybe,
just maybe it won't eat your soul
like it's devoured mine.

I'm ready to feel
just the weight of the eternal
being lifted
and to know what it is like
to see the sky peeled back
and the ecstasy
of my soul leaving this cadaver
as I long to hear Your sweet voice
just once, just once more
as I lay here dying,
covered in morose regret
and a lifetime of shame.

Christ have mercy
for I never had mercy,
Christ show grace
to the one who lacked grace,
Christ give love
to the one who made a game of love
and hold back Your wrath
just one more day,
so maybe,
just maybe
these will see Your eternal love
stretched
and cruelly pinned
to cheap wood
as we play this game
of religion and church
as You weep for us.

"I tried everything to find you
I even took the stairway to hell
I wrote these words down to remind you
that I know life is never pass or fail

so hand me the keys to your kingdom
give me back my garden of Eden
lead me to a place that I can call my own

a home
a sanctuary
home

and we are standing on the edge of it
trying to make some sense of it all
the fear is building and the hatred
until you know we're left with nothing left at all
you know I'm falling"
-Kevin Max, "Sanctuary"

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love."
-C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day:

"What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
-Irv Kupcinet

Hope is a bit trickier to have than one might think...

Such an overload...maybe I'll sleep tonight and things shall be washed away.

"If mercy fall upon the broken and the poor
dear Father I will see You there on distant shores."

"Between You and Me" - dc Talk

"Digital Love" - Daft Punk

Wow.

For once I'm actually speechless...

Good job Madam Muse.

But aren't you supposed to give me words instead of stealing them all away with such a small gesture?

The finite is pain laced as the eternal looks on.
I hate the feelings of irrelevancy.

I don't know what hit me when it hit me...but it did.
Now things can't be the same ever again.
I want my lips purified so I can speak and my soul washed so I may fly free.

I'm so grateful to feel any sort of love...any sort of connection anymore....thank you Father for putting these people in my path...even when I'm scared, afraid, terrified of making any decision...You never cease to pour on grace.

Take my life, take my soul, take these hands, take these feet, take my words and these lips...give them a holy kiss and let me serve You again.

Show me where to go and I will go.

I love You so freaking much, I can never cease to.
Help me to walk through this door.
Be my vision and strength.
Help me to give out twice the grace You give to me so freely.

My Father, my Love.
My Jesus.
Thank You.

"Live High" - Jason Mraz

"They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.
They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.

It's common knowledge that; you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful."
— Rob Bell

Quote of the Day:

"If the gospel isn't good news for everybody, then it isn't good news for anybody. And this is because the most powerful things happen when the church surrenders its desire to convert people and convince them to join. It is when the church gives itself away in radical acts of service and compassion, expecting nothing in return, that the way of Jesus is most vividly put on display. To do this, the church must stop thinking about everybody primarily in categories of in or out, saved or not, believer or nonbeliever. Besides the fact that these terms are offensive to those who are the "un" and "non", they work against Jesus' teachings about how we are to treat each other. Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor, and our neighbor can be anybody. We are all created in the image of God, and we are all sacred, valuable creations of God. Everybody matters. To treat people differently based on who believes what is to fail to respect the image of God in everyone. As the book of James says, "God shows no favoritism." So we don't either."
— Rob Bell

"Spartan" - Five Iron Frenzy

Billie Holiday on the radio
my sluggish heart is beating seven beats too slow
another sad song and another shot of blue
cold and unconcerned are anything but new
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think He’s right
If I mark the span of failure
is his burden just as light?

I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight

Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?

I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight

The angels are singing over the plains
the shepherds are quaking, echoing refrains
And all of our slogans designed to take away the pain
meant nothing to the Son of God that night in Bethlehem

Encouragement comes in all forms:

Always nice to know someone has already been recognized as the worst writer of all time, saves me the fear of claiming the title for myself.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amanda_McKittrick_Ros

Models, RPG's and Emulators

So the other day I was talking to my online friend who does modeling in Britain and we got onto the subject of Dungeons and Dragons and World of Warcraft. Neither of us knew the other was an aficionado of the pen and paper RPG realm and the ensuing dorky discussion led to her showing me a picture of her giving a high five to a statue of an Orc riding a Wargen (from Lord of the Rings) and that led to me making a playful jab about her being an Orc lover.

Turns out she actually mostly plays male Orc and Blood Elf characters on World of Warcraft. My initial thought was because of wanting to avoid lecherous perverts but it turns out she simply prefers the aesthetics of the male character models.

My mind was blown and I came to a conclusion:

"Not everyone that plays a game does so from the perspective of one who actually plays a role."

Whoa.

As my friend Nichole says "We're roleplayers, most everyone else are gamers." and this is true. When I play a character I strive to be as true to the character as possible. As a test I've been trying to play through one of the dozen or so remakes of Final Fantasy I and I am hating the game because for the most part there is NO story in the game. The most one can say of the story is that it is an exercise in Chaos Theory in how a dozen or so unrelated events could theoretically lead to the destruction of the world.

To be absolutely frank I am shocked the game series has lasted almost fourteen main incarnations and a dozen or so spin off games just going off of the first game. I'm about halfway through the masochistic exercise of trying to finish that game and plan on finishing it but only by having the emmulator speed set a 10X so I can get the pain over sooner.

And I just found my missing Peanuts Christmas shirts.
They make me so happy. ^_^

One year and ten months later I find 95% of my collection of Hallmark Star Wars ornaments.

The Star Wars Christmas tree shall live again this year after going AWOL last year!

God I hate pictures that remind me of the seemingly infinite grand nature of my failures.

The tears I'm crying feel pointless just like so much of my inescapable destiny when it comes to destroying lives and hurting people.

I'm damned to wander this world with the impossible scope of having to wonder at the very nature of my soul and what it means to cause pain.

If I wanted to express every layer of my doubt...I would ask if I was already dead and stuck in a purgatory I never believed in. It was bad enough having to return home but then to develop the intense feeling of my insides on fire as being the only heat to warm my soul at night...I wonder at my level of sanity and how long before I might find reprieve.

I'm wandering across this vastless wasteland and I do not understand how people have hope, what they are living for. I have the hope of Christ which is the only thing keeping me from ending my life sooner...how do people walk without God loving them and they knowing they were being held up?

I curse the day of my birth as being one of the manifestation of death and the realization that every human is imperfect and I am the crown jewel of that disgusting fact.

I'm a diseased and rotting bag of flesh that holds a soul.

Christ have mercy and end this farce before anymore innocent people are hurt by Your most beloved bastard son.

Jesus you have a strange sense of humor.
Distance is confusing...are you just screwing with the numbers right now because I'm so tired and am having trouble thinking?

I'm free for lunch tomorrow if you are, if you aren't too busy it would be good to see You for once and get a hug...I won't take up too much time...I just...need help to be able to give help.

Give me the strength I never had.

"Helpless" - Electric Light Orchestra

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"How extraordinarily stupid it is to defend Christianity, how little knowledge of humanity it betrays, how it connives if only unconsciously with offence by making Christianity out to be some miserable object that in the end must be rescued by a defence. It is therefore certain and true that the person who first thought of defending Christianity is de facto a Judas No. 2; he too betrays with a kiss, except his treason is that of stupidity. To defend something is always to discredit it."
-Søren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"Worldly wisdom thinks that love is a relationship between man and man. Christianity teaches that love is a relationship between: man-God-man, that is, that God is the middle term."
-Søren Kierkegaard

"Horse With No Name" - America

Sometimes the road less taken is the higher one but that doesn't mean it isn't full of moments that will suck.

Quote of the Day:

"We know too much, and are convinced of too little. Our literature is a substitute for religion, and so is our religion."
-T. S. Eliot

Forever in Timed

Uncertainty is seemingly always certain,
regardless of how contrived
that may seem.
Beauty strives in originality
but is always seen in the redeemed
in how everything will be remade.

A good, good day to you
and a fair and beautiful night
as we all drift
as we glide
sliding along
on these fragile wings of hope.

The future is coming along
at a frightening pace
and it's hard to say hello
even at the best of times
because I feel
I'm lacking in grace
and I just want to cry.

The morning is coming
so it's the right time
to just dry your eyes
wiping away ever tear
and just forever
try to forget
just this fear.

Expectations inevitably arise
and fall
and believe as they will.
But to hope is precious
as it is fleeting
and so quick to flee
as we dance across our time.

Good morning

A beautiful song for what I deem to be a beautiful day.
Smile, we live today and tomorrow we will be swept up into God's presence...today is a gift and although my hypocrisy runs deep...the beauty of Love outshines our weakness.

Smile for today is but a beginning of so much more.

I am confused.

What else is new?

Unspoken Domain

I'm looking, looking for something.
Feeling for something new
hoping for something old.
Knowing I'm going
and when I'm going
I'll be gone
so far gone from here
that I'll never need to hear
or stop to feel
what it meant to be
standing in the shoes
not sure of where I fall
or where this expanse is becoming.

The fact I'm an adult is terrifying.
I was told this was to be mine
and I don't even know
know what that means anymore.

Was I born here for purpose?
Born here for reason?
This isn't the land of my fathers
for that is a place I don't even know of.
I'm hoping to hope
and praying for more
for all this is going to be
is leading to places I've never seen.

I'll follow
but never pretend
or act like I am the one to lead
because
this isn't my story,
it never was
nor could it be
for I was created
and born
made to inhabit
this space and time
and so I shall
until the call Home
and everything
is brought together
in one accord
and onto one knee.

Quote of the day Two:

"In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed."
-Red Mage

Plans are falling together with a freakish speed!

Now just for the job to happen, the funds to roll in and then I am off to tour some schools!

Holy crap Jesus...do you know what you are doing?

=)

I have bested the laws of Thermodynamics and have produced brownies! Now that physics have become my mere plaything I am departing upon a grand baking adventure for the ages! Excelsior!

God I hate being so...sentimental and holding on to everything...I just stumbled across some mementos my grandmother left me after she died...God it hurts so freaking bad.

"Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?"
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Spartan"

I have entered the world of baking!

Huzzah!

Plus I'm listening to Queen too!

Woot!

I have such a very loose idea but an idea all of the same.

"The bravest thing I have is hope."

I'm hurting...intensely...I know You care...just please help me.

Please.

"They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star"