Psalms 51

"Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins."
-Psalm 51:1

I am so caught short today.
Words.
Words.
I waste them so often.
I feel so astray.

But Love has rescued, comforted and saved me.
Time and again.
Thank You.
Please carry me.
Wash me of my mistakes and help me to Love you.
Love others.
And learn Loving myself.
Thank you.

Psalm 50

"The Lord, the Mighty One, is God,
and he has spoken;
he has summoned all humanity
from where the sun rises to where it sets.
From Mount Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines in glorious radiance.
Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him."
-Psalm 50:1-3

I didn't realize this section...would be the reading today...and slight freakish how the poem I wrote reflected that.

Who am I?
Seriously.
I have spent so much time being sick, burned out, aching, feeling lost and depressed that it feels like I haven't seen my reflection...but when I look, I have no idea who is in the mirror looking back at me.

I feel such a longing hope.
In the midst of feeling such revulsion at myself.
What is the difference between conviction of the Spirit and self hatred?

Self hatred is an idol.
Proclaiming my knowledge and will equal to Yours.
Where as I want to be obedient...not fall into this mindless slavery of self service.
Crying out words of hope that are not hope.
Just false ideas.

It's all a blended mix.
I'm so reluctant to speak.
But then I do speak.
And feel like such a hypocrite.
I am nothing but broken and in need of You.

Once again, as always, I am in need of Your love.
To be rescued from myself.
From the false ideas and treasures I drown myself in.
Just wanting hope.
But not knowing how to ask for help.
Once I've reached the bottom of my rope.

Jesus Christ, thank You for everything.
Everything.
This pain has a purpose beyond me.
I want to fall in Love again.
Please do not reject me.
Love me for me.

Never leave me here.
Pull me, carry me, drag me and hole my hand.
But Love me for me.
Every day as I struggle as I live, love, hurt and breath.
Carry me, strengthen me and never let me go.
I love You.
So much.
So much.

Tribulation in the Sky

With every reflection of the on the water
of the sky
there are images,
of You and I.

Passing memories,
tribulation
and
exaltation.

Memories of You and I
reflecting on the water,
with images
of a burning sky.

Hope in You
and of being lost in Love,
tears of joy
and smiles of sadness.

I just want to be lost
and found
in these images
of You and I
reflecting
and showing
a brilliant burning sky,
Love becoming One
and Hope being mine.

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3

Abba, Daddy.
Be my shelter, my strong tower, my fortress, my Love, my Lover, my Protector, my Bridegroom, my Kinsmen Redeemer.

My soul is so disarray, fallen apart and needy.
I'm needy.
In need of You.
To throw my arms around You and weep,
to let all the pain out of this soul.
Please carry,
Please protect.
Please Love me.
Despite all of my failing and failures
please Love me.

I want to have no regrets.

"When I leave I want to go out like Elijah.
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire.
When I look back on the stars,
It'll be like a candlelight in central park.
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

Be Still and Wonder

It's always so silly to assume a human being is capable of sharing, understanding, collecting, connecting and being more than mere acquaintances.

Pain defines, aches, listen, leads and betrays.

What is Truth?
What is Truth?

Only You.
This world falls apart.
Whispering lies
and fallacies
leading in circles
as I look up in wonder.

Quote of the Day:

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

Psalm 45

"Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice."
-Psalm 45:6

Eternity...Grace...Love...none of this makes sense.
But despite my inability to understand...You are Truth.
The only Truth is You.
Everything is fading.
Everything is dying.

Please do not tarry in saving, redeeming and healing me.
I'm so tired, broken and weary.
I pray and wonder.
Holding out for hope.
Will you please not forget me?
Do not leave me to die.
Remember the promises of Your Word
and once again,
save me, love me and care for me.

Abba, Father, Love,
Infinite God
and
Lord of Lords,
King of Kings
all is Yours.

Please come.
Come quickly,
Oh Lord Jesus.

Dental Pain = Not Fun

Five root canals.
Four crowns.
Intense pain from swelling and possible infections.
And a month and a half of using Vicodin.

Weird, weird time.
So many good moments interspersed with intense fragments of bad.

I feel so close to making the right decision but...in ways I am not sure.

Doubt will always be here.
But I just might be in Love, more so than ever, and maybe I have a job that can work not just for now but for the foreseeable future.

I feel so close to being able to do ministry again.
My soul screams for You.
I need You.
So much.

It's kind of sad how easily excited and disappointed I am.
Expecting little and not getting it..shouldn't be so discouraging.

Life.
So silly.
And strange.

"Alas My Love/ The Hardway" - dc Talk

"Mind's Eye" - dc Talk

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble. 
 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea. 
 Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! "
-Psalm 46:1-3




"I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior"
 -dc Talk, "In the Light"










My soul aches. screams
and protests all the pain and fear.
In this tomb I live in.
My life is Yours,
but oh God,
how I fear so badly.
I ache and fear,
rescue me Love.
Rescue me my Beloved.

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
    I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
    for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1

Oh my King,
My Love,
Deliverer,
Savior,
Wonderful One,

So much life
so much pain
and so much grace.

Thank You for life.
Thank You for this life to call my own.
I miss jobs,
I fail at work,
I end up with so much debt in student loans and rent.


But still,
You are Good.
You are God.
You are Wonderful.


I want to give You my words,
this tired
and achey
and weary words
which may somehow
please
and 
 bless
You alone,
My Love.


Thank You.
I just need Grace.
To fall at Your feet.
Take this empty bottle of grief
that I clutch like a child to,
killing myself
all because of what I want.


Help me to accept
and stand in the downpour
and rain
of Love,
The Love of You.


Thank you.

Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
    Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
    let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
    to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:2-3


I've read this passage again...and again...and again.
How long?
How long?
I wait in pain.
Anguish.
In need of You.


So much is fleeting,
passing
and gone by.


How long until You return?
Until Healing?
Until things can be made right?

I wait for You,
for You alone
my Love.
Please do not tarry.
 

Painted in Twilight

Dust in the fading light,
catching the eye
as  the wind catches,
cradles us
in a loving embrace.

"The Day the World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

Slipping Away

Letting go,
the slip,
sensation of free falling
out of
away from
you.

"The First Time" - U2

So strange to have so many people in this house.
And there to be no connection.
No feeling.
No emotion.
Just this emptiness.

I wish I knew which truths were lies and what lies were truth.

But then...life might become too simple.

"Only" - Nine Inch Nails

Unperceived Thoughts (Merrily Onto Folly)

Words are falling.
Cascading,
tripping over themselves again.

I saw your face again,
reflected
in the mirror of my mind.

I sat here waiting.
Promises from years past
as I laid,
not knowing your sincerity
from pillow talk
in the middle of the night.

What mere abstract
was you
and
which were the lies
I made up
so I could sleep at night?

On and on,
so this story goes,
merest whispers on the wind
as I wait.

As ash and age
surely will follow,
and I,
am I,
fool and hopefully hopeless
to every bitter end.

Smiles with tears.
Crisscrossing
and
falling with the night.

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3

How long?
How long?
How long?
To sing this song?

My heart soars, swoons and falls
diving, colliding
and begging for You.
Time in,
time out
in every way
in every sight
sound
and light.

How was I alive before You?
How can I pretend to be alive without You?
The only esctsy of my soul
can be found
within Your love for me.
All of these fleeting jewels,
relationships,
sweet pains
are reminders of Love Divine,
that was carried
and spread on a Cross.

Thank You.
Again.
Again.
And again.
Your Love is greater than I.
And shall ever be.
Forever.
And ever.
Amen.