Incidental Transcendentalism

Dawn, is so peculiar.
Because of being so sick, so often I rarely take the time to enjoy anything outside of my room...much less the sun rising and setting.

The light coming to life and dying away.
Colors being painted across the sky, spreading across like the laugh of a child and then fading away like the last sparks of life.

We have these huge post marks of life and death.
Everything else in between helps some give some meaning.
It's so hard to remember how and why.

Contrary to popular belief I am not miserable all the time.
I just tend to feel things far too intensely for my own good.
Put me alongside those who are happy and I feel their joy.
Likewise for the miserable.




A pity Jesus said nothing about going to parties, concerts, playing more video games, watching more comedies and laughing more.

Then again, life is to be lived.
Who was it that said life was wasted on the living?
I've done and seen some amazing things.

Feeling the wind in my hair, the taste of salt on the air, the sounds of laughter and the mists of rain as a gentle kiss.+

So many of the small things in our lives reflect who we are, who we really are deep within us and behind all the masks we try to hide behind.


So that makes me wonder what my love of the absurd, silly and none sense says about me...if much at all.

As the day begins, much like it will end...in bed and darkness...I can't help but wonder what will or can happen today. How much pain, how tired, how life will happen and everything in and around the between.

Somethings and some people I may miss...but most I won't.
Most of the things I cannot.
Why waste my time worrying and grieving over things that were make believe in the first place?

Maybe I can have some non-cynical conversations today as well.
And maybe pigs will start flying as well.
Never know, right?

Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.

"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."




The one thing reality will not permit me is numbness.
No breaking from the pain.
Cycles...in and out, circular, moving, falling and being destroyed.

Why do I...and why should I care at all?

Moving beyond the open gate and into reality...seeing all there is to be seen and realize that none of it amounts to much...

Faith, hope and love...but where is the love?

Clever lines of jargon and disinformation...lies I fed to myself in order to invent you...make you up and become enamored with something that wasn't even real to begin with.

Curious...curious...

I wish sleep could take me and I would wake up to where everything was better...
One day...one day...one...day...

Placebo Verbiage

Words, words and more words.
Plenty of none sense.
The restless movement
being mixed
with relentless tension.

Words, words and more words.
Losing their meaning
and always redefining
just what it means
to be human.

Not sure what matters
or what the cost can cost
when everything
reaches a climax
of pointless heights.

Apathy in my cup
and wanting to find
hope and love
just waiting
and wanting to be found.

Making sense...of anything...is nowhere as easy as it used to be.

I'm getting way too old for handling any of this stuff...

Is twenty-five too young for retirement?

Isaiah 9

"The people who walk in darkness
will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness,
a light will shine."
-Isaiah 9:2

So much darkness.
So much pain.

I d not even have to think to find suffering, pain, rejection, despair and hate.

It's so murky, so confusing...it feels like every time I find something on this damn planet even remotely stable...uncertainty and pain flare up...

Is this your way of saying I should stay alone and find solace in solitude alone?
Or maybe I should just listen to Pink Floyd even louder and hope the good music at least does something encouraging?


I can't see.
I think I did.
At some point it seems there was more...

But here is blindness and I'm praying for a light.
Not just a tiny illumination...but a blinding reclaiming of every aspect...


I'm sick of my own ignorance.
Of the games played.
Of not seeing when I look.
I just need freedom.
Even if it's painful and awkward freedom.

I don't want to see by false lights.
I do not want to get my hopes set on falsehoods.
I just want to know, see and live truth.
Everything else is silly and pointless.

Please, please...illuminate my life.
Help me to find and destroy this darkness with Your Light.
Illuminate, burn and never end.

"Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when the
promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath a clear blue
sky?

Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on."

"I found a dark, infernal place I don't want to face anymore
Somehow, I won't stop feeding the pain
My heart's just the same as before

So now I'm stuck here
Between the guilty and the insincere
The words I spoke have left me here all alone
I should have known this
I never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise
I wish it all gone
I could've burned it when I had the choice
And now I'd die to kill the noise in my head"

Dreams Becoming Nightmares

The worst thing seems to be getting what we want.
Not what we need.
But what we want.

Nightmares are my reward for dreaming and dreaming too hard.

A statement that is a bit egocentric and full self-righteousness, yes but if you don't know that about me by now I don't think you ever will.

Literal nightmares.
Disturbing and upsetting enough that even seeing the painful scene last night, it because the fuel for my dreams.

Nightmares.

Whispers, voices from the other side of eternity, pressing from the aether and spinning into the chaos that runs the gauntlet of my nerve cells, neurological impulses making less sense today then they did yesterday.

Does it matter if I love you?
What if I always have loved you?
What if I had loved you since the beginning of time?

Impossibilities.
Words are meaningless.
The actions of a coward are nothing.

Negative reaction, not even two negative being able to make a positive because it is merely a wave of negative that creates, makes, breeds and...this.

This.

Do you see?

Can you see?

Does it matter?

Can it matter?

I keep wanting to withdraw.
At least that way I wouldn't have new hurts.
I could just let the current wounds fester.
I could create my own reality.
Which would be more real than this one.

Everything and nothing are playing out on the state.
Seeing, believing and failing to understand.
Why?
How?
Where?

Passing and falling, all over again.

Even the things I love I will begin to hate.
It is all just a matter of time.
Weakness.
And The Dark spreading and corrupting.

"Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
And a fucked up world it is too
Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father, he made the world in seven
He's in charge of Heaven
Will you put a word in for me"

Cave of Illusion

The crevice within is growing,
small rock chips and water droplets
all falling at their pace.

Whispered winds are moaning
dancing across the edge
making and moving as it will displace.

Certain people frustrate me to no end.
Granted, I must do the same thing to other people.
However hypocritical it is, they make me want to set them on fire all the same.

But I suppose some of the best prayers are either never answered or are simply a no.

I'm silly Lord.
Thank You for loving me.

Empty Case File

Smoke in the air,
cheap drinks across the room
and not enough change for the fare.

Looking for something,
a kind of reform
the kind of thing
is to find the truth
which is true for me
and not just
falsely printed liturgy.

Hearts on the sleeve,
and the Word
written on the heart.
Philosophy and religion,
holding hands
walking step by step,
truth in truth.

Bins with discarding notes
charting out discarded paths
and false mentalities.
Captain of my faith
and challenger of destiny
crying out for a real direction.

False direction,
fake dichotomies
and realizing this old tomes
are nothing but the chronicles
of a broken and disenfranchised soul
that has written it's way into tombs.

Murfhph.

That...is about...what sums it up.

I hate the feeling of just being on autopilot.
Nodding.
Agreeing.
Saying what's expected and needed.

I wonder, how much it matters...

Quote of the Day:

"I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started."
-Ernest Hemingway

Is there a nice way to say I hate humanity as a whole and hope you all finally create a big enough catastrophic event to wipe all of you out?

More nausea.
More chills.
I'm starting to see a reoccurring theme here...

Isaiah 8:11-13

"The Lord has given me a strong warning not to think like everyone else does. He said,

“Don’t call everything a conspiracy, like they do,
and don’t live in dread of what frightens them.
Make the Lord of Heaven’s Armies holy in your life.
He is the one you should fear.
He is the one who should make you tremble."
-Isaiah 8


So big I do not understand.
I am so finite I cannot grasp it.
Pain is real.
Love is real.
Grace is heartrending.
I only have a few answers.
None comfort me in my pain.

I pray, I cry out and wait for an answer...
Maybe none is coming.
Maybe the destruction is close at hand.
The best I can do is try to love and allow myself to be loved.

Exhausted and pain.
So much pain, confusion and confusion.
I'm not sure what matters and what does not.

However, You are bigger than all of this.
I will hold on, I will cling because I have to.
I may die without the answers but I believe this life isn't the end.

Things are so vapid and shallow...
I'm not meant for being here much longer.
Soon things will be better.
Less pain and grace to carry me there.

Sometimes I wonder why we converse...
Am I a blank wall?
Verses yet to be written?

Or is it closer to the fact I am just a sounding board...convenient for the brief time I am of use?

For I feel the seasons and tides change.

Meep.

Tired.
Achey.
Sleepy.

But can't sleep?

-_-

Body, you suck.
If you are going to freak out and be in pain, the least you can do is shut off for the time being and not make me have to deal with you.

The plus side is I am not longer losing my mind slowly.
You can't lose something you no longer have! ^_^

Why do I get made keeper of such horribly depressing news?

I suppose it's a blessing that people trust me enough to bring some of the horrific things in their life to me...

...but...I wish I could do more.

More than pray, more than listen...

But I'm not God.
I'm not hero.
I can't save the world.
I can just show up and do my best.
And hope, hope against hope that the right thing will happen...

Thoughts, thoughts, thought...more thoughts and a few dozen more.

Things are better.
Thankfully not worse.
So tired.
Oh so so tired.

Feeling, things and hope.
Something muttering,
voices carried on the wind
and I am waiting here.

Nausea and chills.
Woo.
@_@