"So love is hard and love is tough
But love is not what you're thinking of
September, streets capsizing
Spilling over, down the drain
Shards of glass, splinters like rain
But you could only feel your own pain
October, talk getting nowhere
November, December
Remember, are we just starting again

Please, please, please
Get up off your knees
Please, please, please
Please
So love is big, it's bigger than us
But love is not what you're thinking of
It's what lovers deal, it's what lovers steal
You know I found it hard to recieve
'Cause you, my love, I could never believe"

Oh...and I'll...'psychosomatic' you!

It's weird.

I bike ten miles while feeling like crap and I feel like more crap except it's like a better crap.

I'm still hurting, dizzy, nauseated and tasting metal...but overall I feel more relaxed and less like I'm dying.

And...this is how addictive my personality is...I've never smoked but I want to.
What the heck?
This second hand smoke shall be the death of me! -_-

*sigh*

I really need to work on being a nice person for once...

I just smacked myself in the face with the dvd/cd collections of Billy Joel and Barry Manilow...ouch... x_x

Smelling, tasting and feeling like there is metal lodged somewhere in my throat is starting to become irksome.

The plus side is it is cloudy and a high chance of rain.

I could use a lot more rain.

Bleargh.

Suffice to say that idea both sucked and failed.

I am giving up.

Hooray.

I just ate a cookie.

It is late at night.

It's also quite quiet at this late hour.

I miss having a group of people to do things with.

That was the better things about church when I was in high school and something I loved about college for the first couple of semesters.

I talk about the past too much...what about the future?

I've been biking ten miles plus a day...so as soon as I get access to the bike in the morning I'll be logging another ten miles or so. I've been eating apples and drinking water...it's the meal of fibromyalgia stricken heros!

Music is addicting as love was when I was less cynical and was more receptive to the idea of people being generally good and capable of rising above their base nature. It can be so hard to take people at their word and believe that they have good intentions.

I also spend too much time analyzing little details of no consequence.

I also spend this late hour scanning the internet for for remixed/acoustic/orchestrated/whatever pieces of music from RPG video games I grew up with.

And now...I don't know.

I'm here.

That is all I know.

Life goes on.

Yes it does...

*twitch*

Repressed rage growing.

Urge to wipe out creation amplifying.

Thankful

I could write about the negative...but the plus is I have a bed that is warm, a lovable psychotic cat that is sleeping on my arm right now, a glass full of the red flavor Gatorade, air conditioner to keep my room cold enough for me to sleep, a laptop that works, Internet that mostly works, I have all of my limbs and digits, I still have all of my hair, I may be in an an excruciating amount of pain but I am still alive, I may feel alone but I'm not.

I am my Love's and Jesus loves me with a deep, amazing, intoxicating love that has carried me so far...I'm so...unworthy, hurting, afraid but loved.

I'm afraid of pushing the ones I want to love away...help me please. I don't want to become my dad...I don't want to live in the past, I don't want to be anything except one who loves and will sacrifice to share Your love.

Thank you for carrying me this far...please make this new day be new...with Your love.

"Yeah I went with nothing
Nothing but the thought of you
I went wandering"

I have slept less than four hours in something like thirty hours...I'm bad at math...why am I not more exhausted?

Why can't my mind just be purged of all this mud and mire?

I'm putting too much stock into something that most likely won't even matter anyway...I just wish I could stop dreaming.

Enough.
Already.
Please.

"You want explanations
I don't even understand
If you need someone to blame
Throw a rock in the air
You're bound to hit someone guilty"

Boom

So...I should make a goal...right?

How about...if I don't get out of this house by January I'm going to pack my backpack, drive as far as my car will take me and then get out and start walking.

If I stay here much longer I feel like I'm going to have a blood clot form in my brain and explode from how...upsetting it is...feeling like I'm being treated like I am a child.

I'm overreacting...I'm feeling this surge or absolute rage because of how passive I am...when I am around certain people I shut down.

It's like having a key turned and I feel like I'm just a child again...lost, confused, just like the Sunday morning when I found out my dad died. A cheerfully bright sun and the feeling of my stomach having left my body.

I don't want pity, I don't want charity, I don't even know what I want except to be able to find a means to gather enough money to get out of this house and going where I think Jesus is saying to go.

I'm so freaking sick of people who pretend to understand how I feel as long as it is convenient for them. I want to scream at them and tell them I don't enjoy being sick, I hate being in pain and feeling like my insides are on fire, that if I eat ANYTHING I will become violently ill and not able to crawl to the bathroom much less walk down a flight of stupid stairs to go and get some stupid job so I can be 'successful' or whatever that is supposed to be.

Anger like this isn't healthy.

It comes from years of repressed emotions, feelings and the desire to tell people where they can go and burn.

I'm shaking from being upset, I want to cry, I want to throw this computer across this room, I want to punch a wall, I want to do stupid things so I can express the fact that YES I am upset.

But...I believe the verse is..."for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:20.

And taking revenge, yelling, acting like the stupid kid I am won't fix anything.

Actually voicing my opinions, my thoughts like a rational adult...that might fix something.

But God...I'm just so sick of people who do not understand...the people I want so desperately to understand either don't or they can't...for whatever reason...and I can't handle the constant pain.

I need prayer, please.

I need to feel Love...I need to be reminded it'll be okay...even though I feel like I'm stepping off into a bottomless pit...I know it'll be okay.


I don't believe in you, your meaningless crap about people being mere resources for my advantage. I refuse to believe your garbage you spew about the material. I would rather die in hunger and poverty being obedient then living with myself about being too much of a coward to sacrifice to do what I am told.

I can breath and I will.

This is not the end...I'm still upset but I'm feeling the worst of the anger bleed away.

I despise this part of me...that is so much of a coward that it would rather scream then try and talk...and rationalize...but I'm not giving up.

I do not care how bad it gets, I refuse to give up.

I will never give up.

Apparently I bait much easier than I thought.

I need deep breaths before I do something stupid.

"Closer to Me" - The Cure

Time to go take care of some stuff.

"One" - U2

"Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
I did.
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again"

Sleep?

What is that?

"Tonight the moon is a mirror ball
Light flickers from across the hall
Who'll catch the star when it falls?"

"If You Wear That Velvet Dress" - U2

In this one moment of breath, enraptured in this muse song I feel more alive in this fleeting second then I have my entire life.

"Waltz for the Moon" - Final Fantasy VIII Official Soundtrack