"But you know all about it-- the contempt, the abuse. I dare to believe that the luckless will get lucky someday in you. You won't let them down: orphans won't be orphans forever."
-Psalm 10:14
It's been a while since I've read Your word and felt a bright hope and a connection like this. Just...hearing and knowing that it is okay to believe in your peace, your goodness, your forthcoming mercy and love...it's...actually reassuring.
Thank you for loving me in my worse times, thank you for taking a bastard child and giving me a home, giving me love and trying to give me a purpose. I still don't get it but thank you for trying and trying again and again. Thank you for your love Daddy, thank you for being my Awesome God and my personal love...so many things I can't even give to words.
I don't want to stop here, please do not let me stop here, never let me stop and help me to keep pressing forward into whatever future there is. While the day lasts help me to prepare for the onslaught of the darkness, help me to find the place where you would have me be and go be ready to go to that darkness.
Don't let me get to far ahead, pull me back as needed but please, I beg you, help me to be ready for where you would have me serve and love others.
Thank you for saving this heart, soul, mind and body with your.
Thank you Father.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Day 9
"You took over and set everything right; when I needed you, you were there, taking charge."
-Psalm 9:4
Everything seems to be speeding up, going faster and faster, so fast it seems like I have no clue what to do. Out of control...faster and more pressing...my days and night bleed into this one long burst of activity that makes no sense.
Perspective makes everything seem alright, like there is a deeper meaning and more order...you alone see where everything is going, the rights...the wrong...the perfections...the good and bad...everything is in your hands, everything you see and touch and move...thank you for keeping me along for the ride so far. Thank you for holding me close and not letting me slip off into the pure chaotic darkness.
Please hold my hand as we walk through this night together. The dawn isn't to far off...but I'm still scared and still not sure on which way to go. Please help me to recover and to be able to not just walk but run into the daylight. Be with me, be my guard, my love, my beginning and my end. Please help me to become yours and restored, thank you so much.
-Psalm 9:4
Everything seems to be speeding up, going faster and faster, so fast it seems like I have no clue what to do. Out of control...faster and more pressing...my days and night bleed into this one long burst of activity that makes no sense.
Perspective makes everything seem alright, like there is a deeper meaning and more order...you alone see where everything is going, the rights...the wrong...the perfections...the good and bad...everything is in your hands, everything you see and touch and move...thank you for keeping me along for the ride so far. Thank you for holding me close and not letting me slip off into the pure chaotic darkness.
Please hold my hand as we walk through this night together. The dawn isn't to far off...but I'm still scared and still not sure on which way to go. Please help me to recover and to be able to not just walk but run into the daylight. Be with me, be my guard, my love, my beginning and my end. Please help me to become yours and restored, thank you so much.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Day 8
I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way? Yet we've so narrowly missed being gods, bright with Eden's dawn light.
-Psalm 8:3-5
I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.
I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.
I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.
I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.
Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.
I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.
-Psalm 8:3-5
I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.
I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.
I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.
I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.
Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.
I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Day 7
"Stand up, GOD; pit your holy fury against my furious enemies. Wake up, God. My accusers have packed the courtroom; it's judgment time.Take your place on the bench, reach for your gavel, throw out the false charges against me. I'm ready, confident in your verdict: "Innocent." "
-Psalm 7:7-8
Innocent.
That is a word I normally do not reserve for myself...just to take a tiny walk through the vocubalry I do tend to use...
"Hypocrite, jerk, bastard, liar, thief, adulterer, evil, uncaring, selfish, dumb, confused, sleepy, uncaring, mean, short sighted and...well you get the idea."
Bad words, words meaning that I am less then human, that I do not deserve your love and that I am nothing less then the most vile and horrible evil thing in your creation.
But at the end my words will mean nothing next to yours. I mean that in humbleness, not in an attempt to crucify myself. I have been cleansed and washed by the sacrifice of Jesus, a literal death and resurrection that paid for me. You died for me.
In all sincerity, thank you. With all the words I throw around, all the cliches I spout, thank you for picking me up out of the Hell I was bound for and thank you for setting me up on a firm rock. Things are not perfect but I want to rest in your hands, regardless of the end.
Wherever we go I want to be yours and yours alone. I love you, I need you.
-Psalm 7:7-8
Innocent.
That is a word I normally do not reserve for myself...just to take a tiny walk through the vocubalry I do tend to use...
"Hypocrite, jerk, bastard, liar, thief, adulterer, evil, uncaring, selfish, dumb, confused, sleepy, uncaring, mean, short sighted and...well you get the idea."
Bad words, words meaning that I am less then human, that I do not deserve your love and that I am nothing less then the most vile and horrible evil thing in your creation.
But at the end my words will mean nothing next to yours. I mean that in humbleness, not in an attempt to crucify myself. I have been cleansed and washed by the sacrifice of Jesus, a literal death and resurrection that paid for me. You died for me.
In all sincerity, thank you. With all the words I throw around, all the cliches I spout, thank you for picking me up out of the Hell I was bound for and thank you for setting me up on a firm rock. Things are not perfect but I want to rest in your hands, regardless of the end.
Wherever we go I want to be yours and yours alone. I love you, I need you.
Words and Again
Some things I just should have expected
other things I knew very well about.
Your word?
The trust?
Negotiationable fallacies lacking grace.
The words you say can almost take flight
and ride upon the winds of fate,
quite noble in your pursuits.
I'm at a loss for words while you are lost over you.
Melodic notes, striking chords and the rest fill empty air,
the reassuring thoughts of silence only act to remind me
again and again of that which I seek to loose.
Choosing thought, loosing sight with all the repetitions in vain.
Attempting to close doors on this part of my mind doesn't work.
Regardless of my attempt both you and the problem remain.
Repetition again and again.
The words remain the same.
I loose myself in soundless remixes of thought,
just so I can pause to reflect on the thought.
I'm not sure on this reflective thought or the consequence it follows.
Repetition again and again.
Words wrap and following in themselves.
I tried to find the way in its own self but I found nothing,
nothing but the same empty room that this began in.
The light doesn't enter such a place,
it curves and bends shape to avoid the confrontation.
The ever desperate attempt at life does nothing but this,
this false imitation of itself,
just whatever and ever it even means in the beginning and end.
I don't know.
It may just be words speaking for themselves,
words wastering, killing, wondering, dying and being this.
It may be this or it could be that.
I do not know the words I am trying to say,
just that they are themselves.
Words repetitious and superstitious.
Words themselves.
Words representing and living.
Roaring flames desperately alive.
Benin only in their incompleteness,
alive only in their self.
other things I knew very well about.
Your word?
The trust?
Negotiationable fallacies lacking grace.
The words you say can almost take flight
and ride upon the winds of fate,
quite noble in your pursuits.
I'm at a loss for words while you are lost over you.
Melodic notes, striking chords and the rest fill empty air,
the reassuring thoughts of silence only act to remind me
again and again of that which I seek to loose.
Choosing thought, loosing sight with all the repetitions in vain.
Attempting to close doors on this part of my mind doesn't work.
Regardless of my attempt both you and the problem remain.
Repetition again and again.
The words remain the same.
I loose myself in soundless remixes of thought,
just so I can pause to reflect on the thought.
I'm not sure on this reflective thought or the consequence it follows.
Repetition again and again.
Words wrap and following in themselves.
I tried to find the way in its own self but I found nothing,
nothing but the same empty room that this began in.
The light doesn't enter such a place,
it curves and bends shape to avoid the confrontation.
The ever desperate attempt at life does nothing but this,
this false imitation of itself,
just whatever and ever it even means in the beginning and end.
I don't know.
It may just be words speaking for themselves,
words wastering, killing, wondering, dying and being this.
It may be this or it could be that.
I do not know the words I am trying to say,
just that they are themselves.
Words repetitious and superstitious.
Words themselves.
Words representing and living.
Roaring flames desperately alive.
Benin only in their incompleteness,
alive only in their self.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Book Overviews
Novel 1 - Apocalypse Forthcoming!
A somewhat irreverent comedic romp concerning the end of the world. Nathan Peterson is your slightly above average college student who is trying to figure out just what it is he is doing in life...and then destiny throws an Armageddon sized curve ball his way. Setting off across country with a more then slight ragtag group of friends and misfits.
Jermius - Life long best friend of Nathan who discover innate powers to manipulate the world around him.
Angelica - A Guardian, divine beings set in charge of preventing to the end, who is assigned to aide Nathan in his quest.
Todd Manning - A man who does not understand subtly and has more arrogance then skill. He is sent as a representative of a mysterious group who may aid Nathan.
Jillian - A lady who works at local coffee shop that Nathan has had a long term crush on. By an ironic jest of fate she is also a chosen one.
Douglas - A friend who awakes Nathan in the middle night, claiming that he has had a vision concerning the end.
Nihilism R' Us - A philanthropically, philosophically and social conscious band that have no idea what they believe but end up helping the heroes.
Will they prevent the end or just end up making it worse?
Novel 2 - Service With A Smile
Nelvin is a vastly introverted individual who works for a large company in the sales department. He hates his job and does not mesh well with his coworkers. To make matters worse he has been visited by those he refers to as 'the shadows' ever since he was a child.
What are these hallucinations? Are they real or just the product of a sick mind? What does it take to move one man from the confines of comforting misery to living life?
A somewhat irreverent comedic romp concerning the end of the world. Nathan Peterson is your slightly above average college student who is trying to figure out just what it is he is doing in life...and then destiny throws an Armageddon sized curve ball his way. Setting off across country with a more then slight ragtag group of friends and misfits.
Jermius - Life long best friend of Nathan who discover innate powers to manipulate the world around him.
Angelica - A Guardian, divine beings set in charge of preventing to the end, who is assigned to aide Nathan in his quest.
Todd Manning - A man who does not understand subtly and has more arrogance then skill. He is sent as a representative of a mysterious group who may aid Nathan.
Jillian - A lady who works at local coffee shop that Nathan has had a long term crush on. By an ironic jest of fate she is also a chosen one.
Douglas - A friend who awakes Nathan in the middle night, claiming that he has had a vision concerning the end.
Nihilism R' Us - A philanthropically, philosophically and social conscious band that have no idea what they believe but end up helping the heroes.
Will they prevent the end or just end up making it worse?
Novel 2 - Service With A Smile
Nelvin is a vastly introverted individual who works for a large company in the sales department. He hates his job and does not mesh well with his coworkers. To make matters worse he has been visited by those he refers to as 'the shadows' ever since he was a child.
What are these hallucinations? Are they real or just the product of a sick mind? What does it take to move one man from the confines of comforting misery to living life?
Personal Upgrade
Broken or not, things are not the same.
To over analyze is almost as bad
as having to hear the thoughts,
the breathing on my neck or the proselytizing.
It's not like I can't make up my own mind
or I am somehow unable to think for myself.
It's not like you are somehow more
or somehow the next better version of me.
Really it's just okay to know you,
really you might be more then alright
but definitely maybe not better then most.
The looks you give make my stomach curl
and you never know what is left much less right.
So please keep still your heart and voice,
just long enough for my head to stop
pounding.
To over analyze is almost as bad
as having to hear the thoughts,
the breathing on my neck or the proselytizing.
It's not like I can't make up my own mind
or I am somehow unable to think for myself.
It's not like you are somehow more
or somehow the next better version of me.
Really it's just okay to know you,
really you might be more then alright
but definitely maybe not better then most.
The looks you give make my stomach curl
and you never know what is left much less right.
So please keep still your heart and voice,
just long enough for my head to stop
pounding.
Day 6
"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?"
-Psalm 6:2-3
I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!
Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.
I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?
Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.
You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.
-Psalm 6:2-3
I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!
Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.
I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?
Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.
You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Traverse Dirt
My soul is dirty,
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.
Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.
The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.
The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.
A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.
Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.
Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.
Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.
The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.
The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.
A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.
Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.
Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?
Day 5
"Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help."
-Psalm 5:1
I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.
Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.
There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.
Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.
I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.
I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.
Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.
-Psalm 5:1
I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.
Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.
There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.
Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.
I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.
I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.
Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.
Okay...as to why I'm irrationally freaking out...there is no reason...it is a phone call and phones do not bite...I am in actual pain so there is no need to freak and go batty. Anyone who does not understand is crazier then me anyways so ultimately everything will be okay.
And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.
And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Day 3
"But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high."
-Psalm 3:3
The last thing I think of you as a shield. My initial thoughts are that I need to do something to get something from you. That if I am nice enough, kind enough and caring enough then you will make me happy. Like there is some kind of magical 'happy' button that could be pushed.
Unless I'm just missing things you want to hold me enough and be equal in our love, you want to protect me, keep me safe, encourage me and hold me tightly.
It's not enough that I want to do better or to succeed, my being longs for you. The hollow emptiness that i keep trying to feel is just that, a gnawing longing for belonging and security. I run in circles because I'm used to this track but you are so much bigger then I give you credit for, then I realize as I even try to write to you.
Please lift me up onto this rock, this high place and hold me closer still. Help me to stop acting so silly and instead help me to simply be yours and you be mine, forever. However that looks like and however painful it may be you are my beginning and my end.
-Psalm 3:3
The last thing I think of you as a shield. My initial thoughts are that I need to do something to get something from you. That if I am nice enough, kind enough and caring enough then you will make me happy. Like there is some kind of magical 'happy' button that could be pushed.
Unless I'm just missing things you want to hold me enough and be equal in our love, you want to protect me, keep me safe, encourage me and hold me tightly.
It's not enough that I want to do better or to succeed, my being longs for you. The hollow emptiness that i keep trying to feel is just that, a gnawing longing for belonging and security. I run in circles because I'm used to this track but you are so much bigger then I give you credit for, then I realize as I even try to write to you.
Please lift me up onto this rock, this high place and hold me closer still. Help me to stop acting so silly and instead help me to simply be yours and you be mine, forever. However that looks like and however painful it may be you are my beginning and my end.
The Ever Increasing Preasure to Perform As a Star
The dark is where I dwell,
the light is to much for me.
I am to much for words.
Every small aspect of light is more then I can stand.
Every bursting ray,
every false pretense,
every supposed half truth is more then I can bare.
It's in the cold stale darkness I live.
The sterile environment in which the nothing claims.
I hold onto nothing because I cannot hold onto you.
Blind, deaf and dumb.
Only fools live down here.
Absolute only in our effort to die.
I can open myself up to your influence
and
then we move close just for a moment.
Shreds of hope almost as bitter as the dull pain.
I am inspired to run and scream.
My fingers can't grip because of the cold numb.
I grasp and stumble and fall forward,
face first into this bitter grating rust.
Your lips move and I don't hear.
Half thoughts concocted into lies.
If I heard I would never believe.
If you ran to my side I would never see you.
If I felt the cold metal sliding across the flesh,
along the veins, I would only dream.
But all in dreams, all in this living slumber I look for you.
I rip my flesh open while crawling across the broken shards,
crimson puddles under my broken form.
I've embarrassed myself again.
Oh deary, I broke character again.
I forgot the mask.
The blood across my face isn't very pretty.
I forgot I was supposed to live inside a sterile lie.
Don the cheerful grin of a drugged sheep.
Oh dear, I guess this means I am alone.
I am resolute as I hold tightly to you.
Look in my eyes and know this is truth.
See past the red mess and see my soul.
Know the things you would rather ignore.
Know the truth you could never be, feel or see.
Look and see this stark naked pain you hate.
See this bastard child that makes you feel shame.
Look in you mirror and drink in your own hypocrisy,
before you hurt another child.
The dirt between us is nothing more then bare shades,
disguises we hold up so we can stand one another.
Don't forget your masks.
Don your masks.
Wear your porcelain facade so you can hide from yourself.
I wear my own selfish blood because I'm afraid of His.
If I did not,
did not run,
did not hide,
did not become
a mere shade
of the person
the disguise
that I long
for me to be,
then we might could have been.
I almost miss the sun.
I almost miss the clouds.
I almost miss hearing your words
and seeing your smile.
There was a grassy hill with a swing.
We sat there and rocked back and forth.
It was just you and I,
people walked pass and never knew our love.
But, I saw to you and you cradle me.
I miss the fresh air of your breath blowing across,
and inside of me.
The pure gift of your love.
the light is to much for me.
I am to much for words.
Every small aspect of light is more then I can stand.
Every bursting ray,
every false pretense,
every supposed half truth is more then I can bare.
It's in the cold stale darkness I live.
The sterile environment in which the nothing claims.
I hold onto nothing because I cannot hold onto you.
Blind, deaf and dumb.
Only fools live down here.
Absolute only in our effort to die.
I can open myself up to your influence
and
then we move close just for a moment.
Shreds of hope almost as bitter as the dull pain.
I am inspired to run and scream.
My fingers can't grip because of the cold numb.
I grasp and stumble and fall forward,
face first into this bitter grating rust.
Your lips move and I don't hear.
Half thoughts concocted into lies.
If I heard I would never believe.
If you ran to my side I would never see you.
If I felt the cold metal sliding across the flesh,
along the veins, I would only dream.
But all in dreams, all in this living slumber I look for you.
I rip my flesh open while crawling across the broken shards,
crimson puddles under my broken form.
I've embarrassed myself again.
Oh deary, I broke character again.
I forgot the mask.
The blood across my face isn't very pretty.
I forgot I was supposed to live inside a sterile lie.
Don the cheerful grin of a drugged sheep.
Oh dear, I guess this means I am alone.
I am resolute as I hold tightly to you.
Look in my eyes and know this is truth.
See past the red mess and see my soul.
Know the things you would rather ignore.
Know the truth you could never be, feel or see.
Look and see this stark naked pain you hate.
See this bastard child that makes you feel shame.
Look in you mirror and drink in your own hypocrisy,
before you hurt another child.
The dirt between us is nothing more then bare shades,
disguises we hold up so we can stand one another.
Don't forget your masks.
Don your masks.
Wear your porcelain facade so you can hide from yourself.
I wear my own selfish blood because I'm afraid of His.
If I did not,
did not run,
did not hide,
did not become
a mere shade
of the person
the disguise
that I long
for me to be,
then we might could have been.
I almost miss the sun.
I almost miss the clouds.
I almost miss hearing your words
and seeing your smile.
There was a grassy hill with a swing.
We sat there and rocked back and forth.
It was just you and I,
people walked pass and never knew our love.
But, I saw to you and you cradle me.
I miss the fresh air of your breath blowing across,
and inside of me.
The pure gift of your love.
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